Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  “After a few more weeks, when I felt better, I researched everything there was to know about botulism. I knew every means of contamination and all the foods to avoid. I told myself I would never eat them again. I would never put myself in that position.

  “Then it got worse. I knew other things could make me sick, so I looked them up. I started noticing every time things were recalled at the grocery store or when outbreaks of food poisoning happened in the news.”

  Arden wormed closer and nuzzled his face under my chin. His hair tickled my nose, but I didn’t pull away. I buried my face in the silky strands and inhaled, memorizing him.

  Sunshine and lavender.

  “Then when I did eat, I’d spend days obsessing over how I felt, convinced I was getting sick and showing signs of food poisoning. Over the years, I cut more and more food out of my diet because I couldn’t manage them anymore. Just the knowledge of what they could do to me was enough to cause a full-blown panic attack. Smells would hit me hard, and I’d be retching before I even sat at the table.”

  “How did your parents not see this?”

  “I didn’t want them to know. I was ashamed and hated how out of control it was getting. I kept telling myself if I fought hard enough, I’d make it stop.”

  “You let them believe you were anorexic.”

  “Lies. They were easier to control. So I became stubborn and insolent and kicked up a huge fuss so they believed it. I made them think that I was choosing to be that way and they couldn’t stop me. The truth is… I’ve always been the sickly child. The weak one with a poor immune system who needed to be handled with kid’s gloves. Do you know how much I hate that? If they knew the truth… I didn’t think it would get this bad.”

  “So what all can you eat?”

  Arden explained about his short list of safe foods and how each item from before had slowly been eliminated. He told me about his concern that peanut butter was becoming harder to handle and he knew without it he’d be even worse off.

  He talked. I listened.

  “Could you eat something if you knew you were constantly being monitored for signs and symptoms? Would that make it possible to try something off the list?”

  His body stiffened, and his nails dug into my skin through my shirt.

  “I can only monitor myself so much. If I got sick, I might not be able to get help fast enough. My immune system is fragile. If I developed a high fever or became delusional, I could pass out and then who knows what would happen.”

  “Do you trust me?” I asked, lifting his chin and peering down into his eyes.

  “Iggy, I can’t.”

  “I can’t lose you, Arden. Let me help you. Let me try at least.”

  I encouraged him over and climbed off the bed.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Visiting hours were over in ten minutes, but I stopped by the nurses’ station to talk with Cassandra, the same nurse who’d been on shift when Arden was admitted the previous night.

  “Hey, Iggy. I heard you caused a stir here this morning.”

  “Little bit. I’m avoiding the parents. Do you mind if I stick around tonight? You won’t even know I’m here.”

  “I don’t know. We get in deep shit breaking rules like that.”

  “What if I can convince him to eat something?”

  Cassandra’s brow rose, and she tipped her head to the side. “Reports from the day staff said he was rejecting all efforts.”

  “Let me stay, and I’ll try.”

  She shook her head with a small laugh. “All right. Be invisible.”

  “I will. Do you think you can get your hands on a couple bottles of Ensure and a box of those Premium Plus crackers? Preferably the entire package so I can show him the expiration date.”

  Cassandra studied me a moment then pushed back from her desk. “Give me a few.”

  I waited by the desk while Cassandra went on a hunt for what I asked for. When she returned a few minutes later, it was with two bottles of Ensure, a high-calorie meal replacement drink, and a half-empty box of individual packets of crackers.

  “You really think you can get him to take any of this?”

  “Crackers, yes. The Ensure, I’m hopeful, but I won’t guarantee anything.”

  “Let me know so I can record it on his chart. Dr. Singhal will want to know.”

  Before I entered Arden’s room again, I took a steadying breath. This could go badly, and I needed to be prepared.

  He eyed me warily when I sat on the edge of his bed. His gaze flitted to the items I carried, specifically the Ensure. I set both bottles on his bedside tray and held out the crackers. He took the box and instantly searched for the expiration date before taking a package from within.

  Again, he eyed the drinks.

  “What are those?”

  “They are meal replacements. High calorie, high protein, lots of vitamins and minerals. I was hoping you’d try one for me.”

  He shook his head before I finished my sentence. “I can’t,” he breathed.

  “I’ll stay with you all night. I won’t leave your side. Arden, I’m a trained early responder. I will be hyper-vigilant of any signs or symptoms of you getting sick. We are in a hospital. If you are going to take a risk, this is the best scenario you could have.”

  “I don’t know anything about them. I have to look it up. I need to see if they’ve been recalled or what the ingredients are or—”

  “Arden. Trust me. Please.”

  I could tell by looking at him that his heart was in his throat, and I feared with the condition he was in that he’d make himself pass out if he didn’t remain calm.

  I sat beside him, and again, brought him onto my lap, this time with his back rested against my chest. My legs rested on the outside of his, and I wrapped my arms around his middle, whispering in his ear, “One step at a time. Crackers first. I know you can manage those. We’ll talk about easy stuff while you eat a few, okay? Then, I want you to try the drink for me. Even if you can only manage a few sips. I want you to trust that I won’t let anything happen to you.” His body shuddered, and I squeezed tighter. “I’ll be right here the whole time. I promise you.”

  To encourage his body to calm, I kissed along his neck and settled him back in my arms, stroking his hair off his forehead. I took the package of crackers he was busy fidgeting with and opened it while I talked.

  “Wanna hear some crazy college stories about Phoenix?” I asked as I handed him a single cracker.

  Arden turned it over and over before sniffing it and nipping the corner. “Sure.”

  “For the record, and Phoenix will probably deny it to this day, he is the worst flirt in the history of flirts. How he ended up with Carrie is anybody’s guess. No one is more awkward than your brother. In our first year of college, we used to go to all kinds of parties on campus. Phoenix would see a hot girl and lose his mind. Watching him try to pick her up was the equivalent to watching a train wreck.”

  Arden picked at his crackers and listened as I told one story after another. His focus was solely on me, and he tipped his head to the side a few times to watch me talk, thoroughly engaged. I caught a few hidden smiles that warmed my heart.

  He remained attentive to his food, dissecting his crackers in the same ritualistic way I’d seen him perform a few times now, but his tension released and his breathing calmed.

  Cassandra poked her head in once, and I winked, letting her know it was going well. Arden asked about my personal college relationships, so I reluctantly shared about my two long term boyfriends, glazing over a lot of personal details but ensuring he knew how those relationships had ended and why lying was such a sore spot for me. Plus, I didn’t want him thinking I was hung up on either of them.

  After a time, I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed one of the drinks. I knew he’d react, so when he stiffened, I was prepared and tightened my arm around him, bringing my mouth to his ear.

  “I�
�m here, and I’ve got you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  He didn’t relax again. He couldn’t, and I knew that.

  I turned the bottle over and found the expiration date printed on the bottom. Showing Arden, I read it out loud, emphasizing how far in the future the contents were good for. I knew it was important information for Arden, and he traced a finger over it, studying it and holding the bottle in place as he looked his fill.

  When he let go, I gave the bottle a good shake before cracking the lid. It was vanilla flavored, so the scent was fairly mild. Regardless, Arden arched away, turning his head to my shoulder.

  “I’m going to pour a small amount into the lid. It will be only about one ounce. I want you to breathe steadily with me, and then, I want you to take it and drink it.”

  “I can’t,” he whimpered, shaking his head and digging deeper into my shoulder.

  “Yes, you can, mi corazón. I’m right here. Nothing will happen. I will take care of you. Can you trust me?”

  His body vibrated as I filled the cap, each breath happening faster than the one before it. I placed the near-full bottle on the bedside table, knowing it would be challenging enough getting a single mouthful into him. But I wouldn’t give up.

  “Breathe with me. Rest your ear on my chest and copy my breaths. Listen to my heart.” He followed my instructions. “Close your eyes. You can do this.”

  I watched the steady rise and fall of his body as I continued to whisper calming words beside his ear. When the erratic rhythm settled, I kissed his cheek. “Okay. One capful. I will not let go of you. You are safe. I promise.”

  Fighting all his ingrained urges, Arden shifted around. Tears stained his cheeks, and his fear was palpable. All the steady breathing exercises went out the window. Wound tighter than a spring, his body rejected all his efforts, but he fought. He fought with everything in him until he was crying uncontrollably but reaching for my arm to bring the cup closer to his mouth. Knowing he’d never keep it steady, I helped.

  At his lips, I crushed his body to my chest in a firm hold. “I’ve got you. You’re doing amazing.”

  Tipping the cap, Arden sobbed. His nails broke through the skin on my arm, but I kept holding him tight. His stomach heaved under my palm, but he drained it in one gulp. Miraculously, he didn’t spit it out and swallowed it down.

  But the turmoil spiked the minute he’d ingested that tiny ounce of drink.

  In a raw panic, he turned in my arms and did all he could to crawl inside me, clinging with a wild, terrified look on his face, vibrating like I’d never seen anyone do in my life.

  Again, his stomach heaved, and he couldn’t catch his breath. I pulled him to my shoulder and stroked his back.

  “Breathe. Keep it down. You need it. I’ve got you. I’m so proud of you. You did it.”

  “I can feel it inside me. I can’t do it. I can’t. Iggy, I can’t…”

  He jerked and tried to escape, but I pinned him to my front, my neck damp with his flood of tears. Cradling him, I resorted to speaking endearments in Spanish, things I was not yet ready to say to him in English. Things that scared me because I knew it was too fast and too soon.

  “Tu eres el dueño de mi corazón. No te puedo perder. Peleare a tu lado. Lo haremos juntos. Nunca estarás sólo. Estoy contigo. Siempre. Mi corazón. Mi alma. Mi vida.”

  It took time. Five minutes passed. Ten. Twenty. When only a few shuddering breaths remained. I encouraged him to turn around again. We repeated the painful process of one tiny ounce of Ensure at a time until he’d taken nearly the entire bottle.

  After, he lay in my arms, his gentle sobs filling the air as exhaustion drained his fight. A few times, I thought he’d fallen asleep. I nuzzled his hair, kissed his head, cuddled him and continued to reassure him.

  “Iggy,” he whispered into the quiet room an hour or so later.

  “Yeah.”

  “I don’t feel good. My skin feels hot. I think I’m getting sick.”

  Using my wrist, I touched his forehead. “You feel cool to me. Do you want me to have a nurse check to be sure?” I asked, even though I knew it was in his head. If he needed reassured, I would reassure him.

  He nodded.

  I went and found Cassandra who happily checked Arden over, showing him the normal temperature reading.

  When she left, he crawled back into my arms and settled. That time, he fell asleep. I had a shift the next morning, but as promised, I didn’t leave his side all night. Snoozing off and on, I only stirred when Arden stirred, reassuring him I was still there when he woke.

  At half past five, I slinked out from under Arden and tucked him under the covers. He groaned and opened his eyes.

  “Where are you going?”

  Kissing his forehead, I said, “I work at seven, but I’ll check in with you later today. I promise. I’ll let Cassandra know to keep a close eye on you, but you’re doing great.”

  “I could still get sick,” he said, his panic resurfacing.

  I stroked his cheek and kissed him again. “Trust me, Arden. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  He grabbed my hand and searched my eyes. “Promise.”

  “I promise.”

  “You’ll come back?”

  “Of course I will, mi corazón.”

  “What does that mean?”

  I smiled and stroke the worry from his brow. “My heart.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Arden

  I lost stability when Iggy left for work. My insides churned, and beads of sweat broke out across my skin. The barely stable ground where I stood crumbled, and I felt like racing out of the hospital and hiding. Which was stupid since I couldn’t hide from possible poisoning.

  I pulled myself upright in bed and fought through one rush of panic after another, gripping the rails of my bed like I could somehow ground myself and make it better. More than once, my glands hardened and saliva pooled inside my mouth. My stomach clenched. Just when I was sure I was going to vomit, the nice nurse from the night shift came into my room.

  “Hey, hun. How are you doing? Iggy said you might need some company.”

  “I think I’m getting sick.”

  With a knowing look, she pulled out a thermometer and took my temperature. She showed me the normal reading when it beeped and smiled as she pulled up a chair.

  “Right as rain. Before your parents show up today, I just wanted to make sure you understood all your available options. The doctors will be back to talk with you, and maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to ask your parents to leave the room this time. Make sure the decisions you make are all your own. You are within your rights and the help you receive is solely up to you, not them.”

  “I know.”

  “I hope so.” She shuffled and crossed her legs, getting comfortable like she was planning on staying awhile. “So, I hear you have a lot of siblings.”

  “Yeah. Eight… well, seven now. There were nine of us altogether at one time.”

  “That’s a big family. Where do you fit in the mix.”

  I huffed a little laugh as I played with the sheets beneath me. I knew she was trying to distract my focus, and I appreciated it. “I’m smack dab in the middle. My twin sister, Ivory, was thirteen minutes older than me, so technically, I had four older and four younger siblings. But she’s gone now.”

  The nice nurse sat quietly, thankfully refraining from offering the usual platitudes people said when they heard about Ivory. I’d grown tired of them over the years. They weren’t helpful and only made me uncomfortable.

  “I can’t imagine that many brothers and sisters. I have one older brother, and he’s enough for me. Even though I’m thirty-one, he is always up in my business and being a pain in the butt.”

  I fought a smile and eyed the nice nurse. “Yeah, my brother Phoenix is like that. We don’t get along very well.”

  “Are you close to any of your siblings?”

  My mind drifted as I considered her question…

&nb
sp; Twenty minutes of lecturing plays on my emotions as I climb the stairs and head to my room where I’ve been grounded to for the next five days. My feet weigh a ton, and I drag them up each step, angry that I was caught skipping school.

  But I’ll do anything that cute boy, Jake Baxter, in science asks. Anything to snag his attention—including ditching class so I could experience my first kiss under the bleachers.

  Five stupid days. Ugh!

  I cross the threshold of the room I share with my twin sister and grind to a halt. Our beds have both been stripped to the bare mattress, and the sheets and comforters hang with precision over the furniture to make a far more sophisticated fort than we ever made as kids.

  It’s been years since we’ve done this.

  The flap that acts as the doorway slips aside and Ivory pokes her head out, her ponytail amok and falling from her elastic, static electricity making the stray ends rise and stick to the sheets above her head.

  “Get your ass in here. Hurry.”

  I can’t help but smile as my mood instantly lifts, and I close our bedroom door and dive inside.

  “What the hell!? You got the memo that we’re fourteen, right?”

  “Who cares. If you’re grounded, then you do it in style.”

  Our pillows are there, and she reclines on one, patting the other, encouraging me to join her.

  “Was it bad?” she asks.

  “Five days.” I lie beside her, wiggling closer so we can share a pillow. Ivory’s presence is always a balm on my troubled heart.

  “But was it worth it?” Her grin widens, and I can’t help but mirror her good mood.

  “Totally.”

  “I want to hear all about it.”

  I glance at the thin fabric sheets around us. The sunlight is dampened but still penetrates enough it isn’t dark.

  “What if someone hears us?”

  Ivory’s dainty fingers pull my head around, and she beeps my nose. “Remember when we used to make forts when we were younger and we pretended the world outside didn’t exist?”