Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  Pregnant?

  That piece of shit!

  I wanted to scream “Why didn’t you use protection?” or “What were you thinking?” but none of it would be helpful. It was too little too late for lectures. Nothing would change the fact that she was carrying some piece of shit, irresponsible asshole’s baby. Who the hell knocked a girl up then walked away like it was no big deal?

  My mind raced as I rocked Bryn in my arms, comforting her.

  When her gasping sobs lessened, I brought her to a chair and sat her down. Her hair stuck to her wet cheeks, so I tucked it behind her ear. All the times she’d been there for me, now Bryn looked at me with desperation in her eyes, begging me for answers.

  “There is no question about you carrying this baby, right?”

  “I’m not having an abortion. I can’t do that. I won’t.”

  “Okay. Then you need to tell Mom and Dad. Whatever they say, however they react, is on them. You are a grown woman. If they choose to turn their backs, then they’ll be down two children. But I will never abandon you. Do you hear me? You will always have me by your side.”

  More tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “What am I going to do?”

  “Have you considered your options?”

  “Chad wants nothing to do with me. I’m not married. I can’t be a single mom. I don’t want to be.”

  “What about adoption? There are so many people out there who can’t have children who would love and raise this baby like it was their own. You could give some couple the gift of life, and in turn, you wouldn’t need to take on motherhood at this point in your life. Some families are willing to consider open adoptions, too, which might allow you to be part of the baby’s life to some degree. If you wanted,” I tacked on.

  Bryn blinked and studied my face with watery eyes. “I didn’t consider that. Adoption. I’d still have to carry the baby.”

  “Yeah, but think of the joy you’d be offering another couple. I’m not saying you have to. I’m just saying, it’s another option.”

  I pulled a tissue from a box and offered it to her to dab her eyes while she rolled that idea around.

  “I’m scared, Arden.”

  “I know.” I pulled her in for another hug.

  “I don’t want to lose Mom and Dad. I see what it’s done to you, and I hate it. Why can’t they be more reasonable and supportive?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe in time.” I echoed Iggy’s words from weeks ago, unsure if I believed them.

  Bryn left twenty minutes later. She seemed more stable and was putting serious consideration into avenues she hadn’t thought about. When Iggy showed up at ten, I was too exhausted and emotionally drained to go to a movie, so we went home and cuddled on the couch with the TV on instead.

  I told him about Bryn and how we both feared the fallout it would cause with our parents.

  Iggy threaded his fingers through my hair and kissed my neck as I lay in his arms. “Unfortunately, it’s their loss.”

  “Bryn’s a good person. It’s not fair. I can handle being rejected. I don’t like it, but I can deal with it. I’d love to get my hands on that shithead boyfriend for abandoning her, though. Who does that? He got what he wanted and fucked right off. I’d love to kick his ass.”

  “She’s probably better off without his influence anyway. If he’s that kind of a jerk, he’d only cause more problems.”

  I sighed and turned in Iggy’s arms, ignoring the show on TV and burying my face against his chest, inhaling his scent. “You’re probably right. Plus, let’s face it, I’m not exactly very threatening. If I did run into that guy, he’d laugh me off, and I’d have to send my sexy boyfriend to beat him up in my place.”

  Iggy chuckled and tipped my head up to kiss my mouth. “Don’t get me tangled in altercations.”

  I hummed and kissed him again, fusing our mouths together and seeking his tongue. He gripped my ass and tugged me closer, grinding us together and groaning into our kiss.

  Just as things were heating up, my phone pinged. I growled and yanked Iggy’s arm back when he tried to grab for it.

  “Leave it. I don’t care who it is, I’m busy.”

  He folded his body over me, crushing me to the couch and bit into my neck. “It’s after eleven. It must be important, so at least check it. What if it’s Bryn and she needs you?”

  He snapped my phone off the table and flicked the screen. I gasped and tore it from his hand. “Snoop much. I’ll do it.”

  I pulled up the text. It was from Phoenix.

  Phoenix: Are you coming here after your movie date?

  Arden: Didn’t go 2 the movies, and no. I’m at Iggy’s

  It was rare I bothered sleeping at Phoenix’s anymore, but he still insisted on checking up.

  “Phoenix?” Iggy asked.

  “Yup, as always.”

  Iggy’s phone pinged next, and we both flipped our heads toward it, somehow knowing it was Phoenix. Iggy snapped his phone off the table and keyed it open to read the message. He laughed and turned it so I could see.

  Phoenix: Would you just ask him to move in with you already. He’s there every night. Get over yourself. You know he’ll say yes.

  I pinched my lips together, fighting off a smile as Iggy grinned back at me. “What should I tell him?” he asked.

  “Depends.”

  “On what?”

  “Whether you’re asking me to move in with you.”

  Iggy’s face turned serious as he ran a thumb over my cheek. “What if I was?”

  “Then I’d say yes, and you could tell him we’ll be over tomorrow to get the rest of my stuff.”

  Iggy’s face split into a wide grin a second before he crashed against my mouth in a consuming kiss. It was raw and hard and quickly sent a tingle of arousal from my head to my toes. We got lost in each other for a few minutes until his phone pinged again, breaking us apart.

  Iggy growled this time.

  “It’s late, “ I teased, handing him his phone. “It’s probably important.”

  He opened it so we could both see.

  Phoenix: You’re totally making out right now, aren’t you? Gross, dude. He’s my brother. I’m serious though, ask him.

  Iggy typed out a reply and hit send.

  Iggy: We’ll be by tomorrow for his stuff. Now piss off, we’re busy.

  Iggy chucked his phone aside, and he laughed as our lips found each other again. In less than a minute, it was my phone going off. Only this time it was ringing.

  I snapped it up and mashed the button as I brought it to my ear.

  “For fuck’s sake, Phoenix, you are such a cock block!”

  He burst out laughing on the other end of the line. “Then I have done my duty. But seriously, Mom called me earlier and said I needed to invite you to Sunday brunch.”

  All the fiery lust I was swimming in vanished and was replaced with a cold chill. “What? She wants me there?”

  “Yup, and I’m to tell you to bring Iggy.”

  I paused, unsure if I heard him right. “Are you… Did you say…”

  “Bring Iggy.”

  “They’re planning to kill him, aren’t they?”

  “No. I think they got a clue and realized they’ve driven you out of the family. They’re opening their minds a bit because I think they don’t want to lose their son.”

  Speechless, I cradled the phone to my ear, opening and closing my mouth. Iggy peeled the phone from my hand and talked to Phoenix after that because I couldn’t. When he hung up, he looked just as shocked.

  “So brunch,” he said.

  “You don’t have to go. I know what they did to you back then, and it’s unforgivable. I would never ask you to put yourself back in that position.”

  Iggy cradled my face and peered deep into my eyes. “Sometimes people deserve second chances. I’m not gonna lie, this will be very uncomfortable, but if this means they are willing to open their minds and hearts a bit, I’ll do it. For you.”

  Iggy didn�
��t let me think more about it. He slipped off the couch and proceeded to pick me right up into his arms and carried me into his—our—bedroom.

  He dropped me onto the bed and crawled over top of me, caging me in his arms and peppered kisses over my forehead, cheeks, and mouth.

  Mesmerized, he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and traced over the freckles on my nose. “Mi corazón, mi alma, mi vida,” he whispered.

  My breath caught in my throat. “What does it all mean?”

  “My heart, my soul, my life. I feel so many emotions surging inside me. They make it impossible to stop touching you, kissing you, inhaling you. I need to let them out before I drown on them. Arden, I’ve fallen madly in love with you.”

  My heart swelled to bursting, and I kissed him hard, wishing I could crawl inside him and live there forever. “I love you, Iggy. I love you so much, and I have for a long, long time.”

  Iggy worshiped me that night. We kissed until our lips were raw and swollen and didn’t sleep until the sun crested the horizon the next morning.

  Every thrust inside my body and every tender touch and kiss spoke of Iggy’s love. I’d seen it long before today and knew it in my heart. Hearing the words and feeling him express it as we made love was breath-taking.

  It was everything.

  Together, we climbed that precipice, and as one, we fell over the edge into bliss, shuddering in each other’s arms, sweaty and panting.

  When we eventually slept, it was tangled together, Iggy’s head on my chest.

  “I can hear your heart beating,” he whispered into the coming day.

  “It’s yours. It craves you. Always has.”

  “Mine.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Iggy

  I pulled into my mother’s driveway after church, intending on dropping her off so I could head over to pick Arden up for Sunday brunch at his parents’. My heart hadn’t stopped beating a frantic rhythm all day. To say I was nervous was an understatement.

  “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” Ma asked for the hundredth time that morning.

  “It’s the right thing to do. For Arden. Maybe they’re ready to change their views and accept him. If that’s so, I need to find forgiveness in my heart, Mama.”

  “Don’t let them walk all over you.”

  “I won’t. If there are any issues, Arden and I will leave. We already talked about it.”

  I cut the engine and got out, heading to the passenger side door to help my mother into the house. With her on one arm and her cane secured in the other, we made the short journey to the door. As independent as she was inside her familiar home, the outside world left her uncertain, and she clung to my side whenever we went out. I couldn’t imagine losing my sight so late in life.

  Inside, Ma left my side and wandered to the kitchen counter and her coffee pot. She felt inside the cupboard for filters and thumbed one from the packet as she skillfully prepared the pot.

  “Do you need anything before I go?” I asked.

  “I’m all set.” She waved a hand, beckoning me closer. Once she kissed me goodbye, she clutched my cheeks and blinked unseeing at my face. “You are loved, mi hijo. No matter what the outside world thinks, your mama will always be here.”

  “I know. I love you, too, Ma. I’ll call you next week.”

  Arden was pacing a hole in the floor when I got back to the apartment. When I went inside, his head shot up, pale blue eyes wide and panicked. After everything he’d been through, the idea of facing his parents with me on his arm worried him to his core.

  “Are you ready?” I asked, scanning him.

  He wore a pair of loose-fitting jeans and his usual hoodie. Although he’d gained a few pounds, it wasn’t yet enough to fill out his clothes, and they hung baggy.

  “Yeah. I guess. I don’t think Bryn is coming. She said she’s not ready to face them yet.”

  I snagged his hand, noting his chilled fingers, and pulled him to my chest. “She’s scared. Give her time.”

  “I know.”

  Together, we headed out to my car. Arden’s knee bounced the whole drive, and I had to admit, I felt just as nervous. Too many memories lingered. As a fragile, newly out, gay nineteen-year-old, I’d been unprepared to hear Nelson McMillan tear me apart, making me feel like less than a human being before throwing me out of his house. He’d left me a sensitive kid with so much self-doubt, I’d floundered for a long time. It’d been nearly enough to destroy Phoenix’s and my friendship.

  And here I was, ready to face him again in hopes that he’d changed his tune.

  For Arden, I kept telling myself. I was a big boy now.

  I parked across the street and killed the engine. Neither of us moved. Phoenix’s car was in the driveway, and I was grateful he’d arrived first. He’d proved himself over the past month, and I knew he’d stand up for both Arden and me.

  “Shall we?” I asked.

  “Shall we go home and forget about this and spend the day naked in bed instead? Yes, I think that’s a great idea. I’m glad you suggested it. Let’s go.”

  I chuckled and took his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Maybe this is the turning point. How will you know if you don’t go in?”

  Arden sighed, his gaze stuck on the house. “Fine. But if it’s not my sexuality, they’re gonna harp about food. I can’t decide what’s making me squirm more.”

  “Okay. A game plan. What will you eat? Are you adding extras? And how can I help?”

  Arden picked at his pant leg and puckered his lips as he thought. “Toast.”

  “Two pieces.”

  His shoulders fell. “Okay, fine. Two pieces.”

  “And?” He didn’t respond so I suggested, “Eggs?”

  “No way. Hard limit. I can’t eat eggs.”

  “Fair enough. Bacon? There will probably be fresh fruit too, so that’s an option.”

  “Um… Two pieces of toast and one slice of bacon… if it’s extra crispy so I know it was cooked a long, long time. Enough to kill all the bacteria.” He paused. “Okay, maybe not bacon.” He cringed.

  “Two pieces of toast and one slice of bacon,” I confirmed, despite his resistance. “Did you bring a drink?”

  He nodded and patted his backpack. It traveled everywhere he went, and he packed it full of foods he could eat, just in case.

  “Let’s do it.”

  We got out of the car and approached the house hand in hand. At the front door, Arden wavered. Before he could decide to open the door on his own, it swung inward. Nelson McMillan stood on the threshold, and my spine stiffened.

  His gaze passed between us before a tight smile formed on his lips. “Good morning. Come on in. Your mother was waiting for your arrival.”

  Arden’s grip on my hand tightened, and he pulled me up the steps. At the threshold, Nelson cleared his throat and lifted his chin, stepping in front of us.

  “Ignatius, if we could have a word?”

  Few people called me by my full name, and it sent the hairs on my neck to stand on end.

  Arden’s face drained of color, but I kissed his cheek, uncaring what Nelson thought of the gesture, and urged him inside. “I’ll be right behind you.”

  I hoped I would. Maybe Nelson would send me packing.

  Arden went inside, and Nelson stepped out on the stoop, closing the door behind him.

  I squared my shoulders and didn’t let him see me as anything but confident and unafraid.

  Nelson glanced along the street, a deep groove marring his brow. He seemed to be thinking hard, and I didn’t want to interrupt.

  After a time, he heaved a tired sigh. “I’ve spent my entire life following the word of God and guiding my children on a path I believed was true and pure. As a child, I was taught it was never my place to question my teachings. The church gave us the word of the Lord, and as His children, we listened and followed His path so we could earn our place in heaven and have everlasting life. Then, a little over a year ago, the Lord thought to test me in a
way I never imagined. My own son declared he was gay.”

  Nelson paused, his lips pressed together, eyes narrowed to a place in the distance, unseeing.

  “I prayed for guidance. I prayed Arden would find the right path and that he was merely acting out. Being defiant as some children are. The harder I fought, the further away my child became… from God and his family. So I asked myself why? Why would God want me to forsake my own child? Why would He challenge Arden in such ways? Why tempt him to follow this unholy path? My wife was miserable. My children argued with me. The peaceful structure I’d created in my home was upside down.”

  Another long pause ensued as Nelson scratched his clean-shaven chin, sadness melting the hard lines of his face. When he spoke again, it was softer.

  “Evelyn and I have spent the past few weeks meeting with a pastor in a new church, asking questions, seeking guidance, working through ways to help our family find balance again. Find acceptance and love.”

  He stopped and turned, looking me directly in the eye. “Your sexuality isn’t a choice.”

  It wasn’t a question, but I could tell it was a hard statement to make. Perhaps harder for a man like him to believe. I felt the urge to speak up for the first time. “No, it’s not. He made me this way.”

  Nelson nodded as though it was a revelation he was only then beginning to see. “I’ve been unfair to you, Ignatius, and I’ve been unfair to my son. I won’t lie. It’s uncomfortable for me, and it goes against years of teaching, but I won’t let it stand in my way of learning a new path and forging new bonds with my family. After much discussion, we will be joining a new church. One that is fully inclusive and believes Arden and his sexuality is not sinful.

  “I’m sorry for the way I treated you before. You’re welcome in my home and you seem to make my son very happy which is all a father can ask. Thank you for being there for him while he’s been struggling. For supporting him.”

  I ducked my head, unsure what to say. Ten years being outcasted by this family had taken its toll. But I wasn’t one to hold grudges. People learned, and people changed. Everyone deserved a second chance. Hopefully, this was the beginning of something new.