Cravings of the Heart (Trials of Fear Book 5)

by Nicky James

  It was the man in a suit. If memory served, his name was Finnley, the guy who struggled with a fear of falling asleep.

  “Nah, my boyfriend is picking me up. Thank you.”

  “No problem. It wasn’t too bad tonight, was it?” he said, bouncing his keys in his hand. “I was nervous during my first meeting too, but these people are really accepting and easy to talk to.”

  “It was pretty good. I was nervous. Embarrassed, actually.”

  “I used to feel the same way. It’s not easy admitting our fears. It took me a long time to own it to my husband, but he’s been a great support for me.”

  His husband? The man was gay too?

  “Iggy, my boyfriend, has been great. I’m not sure I’d have ever gotten this far without him. I’d have probably ended up dead. It was close.”

  Considering that possibility made me shiver. It wasn’t far from the truth. I’d been in a bad place and was convinced avoiding the shame and fear was the easier path. In reality, that had made me ten times worse. Lying to my family and doctors had made everything worse.

  “I’m glad you’re on the mend. Anyhow, it was good to meet you tonight. Arden, right?”

  “Yeah. You’re Finnley?”

  “Just Finn is good. Take care, Arden. See you next week.”

  I waved and bounced on my toes to keep warm while I waited for my ride.

  When Iggy pulled up, I couldn’t contain my smile. With effort, I no longer hid them from Iggy, and they were always rewarded with a face-splitting grin of his own.

  “How’d it go?” Iggy asked once I was settled in the car.

  “Not bad. It was interesting hearing other people’s stories. So many individual experiences. I feel less like a freak at least.”

  “That’s good. How’s the stomach? Are you calmer? Can we look at dinner now?”

  I considered and was surprised to find the cramping, knotting ache from earlier was gone. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  At home, Iggy let me root through the cupboards to decide how I felt about food. Over the past month, I’d taken strides away from eating strictly soup for dinner and sometimes ventured into unknown territory—with Iggy’s unwavering support.

  After such a successful meeting, I felt adventurous and pulled down a package of elbow macaroni from the cupboard. Dr. Kelby had tagged dried pasta as an extremely low-risk choice of food despite the article I’d read a long time ago about a young girl getting worms from ingesting it. Dr. Kelby had explained the probability of that happening was almost non-existent, and the circumstances surrounding the article I’d read must not have been fully revealed. She’d said it was a prime example of why I should avoid Googling everything.

  Besides, elbow macaroni wasn’t any different than eating ramen noodles, in essence. Maybe it wasn’t a huge step forward, but it was a step nonetheless. It was about finding the courage to step outside my comfort zone. Eat the whole wheat bread or the yellow brand box of crackers. Eat the elbow macaroni or the bowtie noodles. To an outsider, I’m sure it seemed ridiculous. To me, it was life changing to be able to open that door and explore other brands.

  Iggy grinned when I pulled a pot from its place in a lower cupboard and started filling it with water. I’d tried other pastas a few times. Since I didn’t eat canned anything or much produce, I usually used a small amount of margarine like I would on my toast and a sprinkle of salt and pepper instead of sauce.

  Iggy wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my temple as I clicked on the burner to boil the water.

  “How about some protein with it?”

  I stiffened, but he squeezed tighter. “I’m going to fry up some ground beef for mine, and you should try a bit too.”

  “Maybe.”

  Iggy found the meat in the fridge and brought out a separate pan. He worked on frying the ground meat while I took care of the noodles. My nose twitched at the smell, and a few times, my stomach convulsed but I swallowed it down and regained control.

  Iggy removed the ground meat onto a plate when it was finished, but he left about a half a cup in the frying pan and cranked the heat.

  “Iggy…”

  “Just in case you change your mind.”

  He handed me a clean spatula and traded me places, taking care of draining the soft noodles into the strainer and dividing it into bowls. My bowl was significantly smaller.

  I stared at the sizzling meat and stirred it around. My brain went on a rampage, envisioning microscopic bacteria and parasites. I set the temperature to the maximum.

  By the time I shifted it around the pan for another ten minutes, it was practically charred, and Iggy reached over and flipped off the heat.

  “Come on.” He held up a separate bowl and encouraged me to scrape the near-ruined meat inside.

  We sat across from one another at the table. Iggy mixed his ground beef into his pasta and added parmesan cheese and other spices. I kept everything plain.

  He ate, and I stared at my food. The noodles I could handle. The meat made my throat stick to itself. I picked at my noodles, eating them one at a time as Iggy tore into his food like it was the easiest thing on earth.

  I envied him.

  When Iggy was halfway through his meal, and I still hadn’t lifted my fork to the over-cooked ground beef, he nudged my foot under the table.

  “Do you need help today?”

  I blew out a breath and shook my head. Remembering all the other people from group therapy tonight and all the separate battles going on in their lives, I stabbed a small amount of blackened ground beef onto my fork.

  I’d managed a tiny ounce of chicken last week and bacon at my mom’s. I could do this too.

  I squeezed my eyes closed and popped it into my mouth. It was crunchy and tasted overly singed, but I ate it all. Then I took more, fighting that internal battle while I ate the small bits of meat in the bowl.

  “It’d probably taste a million times better if you didn’t kill it in the pan,” Iggy said when I wiped my mouth and the napkin came back with black smudges.

  “Probably. I just—”

  “I know. You’ll get there.”

  It took over an hour to get through my meal. When I didn’t melt down into tears, it was progress. After, Iggy snuggled me on the couch while we watched a movie. My heart raced, and my mind spun, but he reassured me through it all.

  When I panicked and was sure I was getting sick, he calmly kept me in check. He was my pillar of strength, my cheering squad, my shoulder to cry on, and the man I loved with my whole heart.

  When he promised me every day would get better, I believed him.

  EPILOGUE

  Arden

  The college auditorium was packed to bursting. A runway had been built off the stage and seats had been removed on both sides to accommodate. Sheer white fabric had been hung on the stage, and white fairy lights shone through sporadically. An arched doorway, weaved with white flowers, marked the area where the models would enter to unveil the unique formal creations the students of my fashion design course had created.

  I was sweating bullets in my suit—which I wasn’t used to. I wasn’t often this warm, but my stress level was through the roof. My entire family was here—minus Paisley who was now in Europe somewhere and Bryn who canceled last minute because of an important engagement she couldn’t miss.

  Bryn’s absence hurt. She, of all people, knew how important this was to me.

  She’d told our parents about the baby a few weeks back. It hadn’t gone over well, but they hadn’t disowned her like she’d feared. They were begrudgingly on board with her plans to give the baby up for adoption, understanding she didn’t feel she was ready to be a mom.

  Iggy squeezed my hand and kissed my temple as people milled about finding seats and chatting.

  “You okay?”

  “No. I’m freaking out.”

  “You’ve done the hard work. All you need to do now is enjoy the response when everyone sees it.”

  Iggy was the only pe
rson outside my model, Tara—a friend of Carrie’s—and Matilda who’d seen my gown. I was proud of it but showing it off to the world was a huge step. It was exposing my personal artistry for the first time and hoping it was well received.

  Iggy tugged my hand, urging me to follow so we could find a seat with my parents.

  I ended up wedged between Phoenix and Iggy. My parents were a row in front with my younger siblings, and Carrie sat on Phoenix’s other side.

  The show started off with the head of the fashion department giving a brief rundown of our program and its goals. He explained about the notable people in the audience that evening which included the heads of many major clothing labels in the industry. My pulse spiked at the reminder, and I pasted myself against Iggy, seeking his comfort.

  He wrapped an arm around me and stroked a constant pattern of comfort along my shoulder.

  Then the show began.

  My dress was fifth in line. The anticipation nearly killed me. Because of the nature of what I’d created, I’d had to meet with the lighting crew so the full effect of the dress was revealed. When the announcer introduced Midnight Dream, the actual name I’d settled on for my creation, my mom spun around and grinned.

  “This is you, right?”

  I nodded, unable to hide my nervous smile.

  The announcer spoke, explaining all the key elements I’d ensured were highlighted, as Tara, the woman wearing my wedding gown came onto the runway.

  Once she’d reached the far end, the lighting in the auditorium changed and the starry night effect came to life, glowing and shimmering for all to see. Under the glimmering tulle, the intricate beadwork lit up with constellations. The gasps from the audience brought goosebumps to my flesh. I held my breath, shaking on the inside as Tara strolled the runway, turning and showing off the train that was layered in a way to give the impression of a star-filled sky just like how Iggy and I had seen it on one of our first dates.

  It wasn’t until Tara left the stage again that the lights changed back and I was able to suck in a much-needed gasp of air. Iggy hugged me so tight, and my parents turned around to exclaim their love for it too. It was overwhelming and exhilarating.

  Carrie leaned over and whispered, “I’m seriously regretting not having you design my dress, Arden. You are so talented. I’ve never seen a wedding dress more beautiful or unique.”

  The rest of the show disappeared into a buzz of whispered congratulations all around me. I never thought I’d ever gain my family’s support and here they all were looking as thrilled and happy as ever.

  By the time the show ended and we made it to the after party in a large hall in another wing of the college, I was suffocated by swarms of people all exclaiming how much they’d loved my design. I clung to Iggy’s hand the whole time.

  An older, well-dressed gentleman approached through the crowd and offered his hand to shake.

  “Horatio Nacht. I’m the fashion director of Vortex Designs. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  My knees almost gave out as we joined hands and shook. “Arden McMillan.”

  “Your gown is the talk of the show. Incredibly artistic and original. I don’t often see such unique and intricate work from students. It can take years to build up skills that you showed here tonight. I’m impressed.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  My cheeks flamed, and I forced myself to stand straighter.

  “I’d be interested in taking a look at your portfolio sometime. Hear some more of your ideas. Vortex could use a young, energetic mind on their team. Someone whose vision moves with the times and brings out fresh new looks people can’t ignore.”

  “Wow. Thank you. I’d love to share my ideas.”

  Horatio pulled a card from his wallet and handed it to me. “Give my office a call and set up an appointment with my secretary. I look forward to meeting with you.”

  I took the card with trembling fingers and a smile I would ordinarily hide—except I couldn’t wash it off my face for the life of me.

  We shook again, and once Horatio had moved into the crowd, I spun, wide-eyed toward Iggy who scooped me up in his arms and hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe.

  “I’m so proud of you. You’re going to make those dreams come true. I know it.”

  Tears sprung to my eyes as I hugged him back. For so long, my life seemed to be circling the drain, for once, I felt empowered and ready for my future.

  As the crowd dissipated, including my family who needed to take the kids home, I joined Iggy in a quiet corner as we shared a bottle of water. I couldn’t wait to get home and celebrate on our own. As I was about to suggest just that, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

  When I pulled it out and saw it was a text from Bryn, irritation stirred in my gut, and I almost pocketed it again without reading it. I couldn’t believe she’d abandoned me. Anger simmering, I pulled up her message.

  Bryn: Are you mad?

  Arden: Yes.

  Bryn: I have a very good reason why I couldn’t make it. Hear me out.

  Arden: Not sure I care. You know how important this was to me.

  As I waited for a reply, Iggy nudged me with a questioning look.

  “It’s Bryn.”

  He rubbed my back, knowing I was sore about her absence.

  My phone buzzed again.

  Bryn: I have signed paperwork and found a couple to adopt my baby. I met with them this evening for the first time. They live locally. I remembered a conversation we had months ago and knew right away what I wanted to do, but I wanted to make sure everything was in place before I told you. It’s two men. A gay couple looking to start a family. They are the most amazing guys I’ve ever met. Arden, I’m going to have a hand in changing their lives.

  I stared at her message, reading it over and over as tears sprung to my eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” Iggy asked, his tone laced with concern at seeing my tears.

  I looked up from my phone and smiled through watery eyes.

  “Bryn found a gay couple here in Dewhurst to adopt her baby.”

  Iggy’s lips parted. His smile matched my own as I dove into his arms and hugged him. My heart swelled. My sister really was going to change two men’s lives, and I couldn’t be more proud of her. Whoever the couple was, they were two very lucky men.

  THE END

  Thank you for reading. I’d be forever grateful if you could take a few minutes and leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads and/or BookBub. Even a couple of sentences help tremendously.

  Stay Tuned for the FINAL installment in

  The Trials of Fear

  One conference.

  Six couples.

  Lots of surprises.

  Coming Soon…

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  Other Titles by Nicky James

  Standalone Contemporary

  Trusting Tanner

  Twinkle Star

  Love Me Whole (available in audio)

  Rocky Mountain Refuge

  The Christmas I Know

  Trials of Fear

  Owl’s Slumber

  Shades of Darkness

  Touch of Love

  Fearless (A companion novel)

  Lost in a Moment

  Cravings of the Heart

  Healing Hearts Series

  No Regrets (available in audio)

  New Beginnings: Abel’s Journey (available in audio)

  The Escape: Soren’s Saga

  Lost Soul: AJ’s Burden

  Taboo

  Sinfully Mine

  Historical

  Until the End of Time

  Steel My Heart

  Tales from Edovia Series

  Something fr
om Nothing

  Buried Truths

  Secrets Best Untold

  Table of Contents

  Note to Reader

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Where you can stalk find me:

  Other Titles by Nicky James