Back Off: Reed Security: Book One

by Robin Leaf

  Fionn shrugs. “It makes you human, Noah.”

  “I’m so sorry I kept you out of this, Fionny. It’s just that… Cristiana asked –”

  He holds his hands up. “Say no more. I know how it is when the woman you love insists.” His hands slap on his lap, rubbing his thighs. “So, now what?”

  “I dunno. She sounded pretty done with me.”

  He smirks and gets up to retrieve my discarded phone, shoving it in my hand. “And you’re letting her get away with that?”

  Forty Five

  Cristiana

  I lean my head against the door. Behind it is the man I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face.

  I love him, but I can’t keep doing this… this dance of desperation. It hurts too much.

  I haven’t really had a chance to decide if I want to maintain this heartbreaking status quo, or if I’m ready to just let go and suffer that heartbreak.

  Hell, I don’t know if I can let go, but I can’t keep this up.

  It’s not really his fault. It’s not really mine. We are the victims of the obligations our decisions have brought us. I knew this relationship would be hard; I just never thought it’d be torture.

  He taps his knuckles against the door again. “Please, cariño, just… please, open the door,” he pleads softly.

  I take a deep breath, feeling the tears sting in my eyes. If I open the door, and he touches me, I’ll cave. I know I will. I’ll fall into his arms and let him seduce me with his words, and in a few months, we’ll be right back in the same rut again. I just can’t let that happen.

  But I can’t ignore him, either.

  “Okay,” I sigh. “But you can’t touch me. Promise to keep your distance.”

  He chuckles. “I promise I’ll try.”

  After another deep breath, I open the door and quickly back away, not even looking at him. I’m afraid I’ll look into his eyes and get sucked in by his tractor beam of hotness, needing to touch him, which means he will touch me, and all courage will be lost, crumbling at his feet, leaving me a heaving mass of orgasmic bliss.

  And why am I against that again?

  Oh, right. Because it’ll be fleeting, and when he leaves, my hell will return.

  But it’ll return when he leaves anyway, so why not get a few orgasms out of it?

  Santa mierda, Nana. Focus.

  Oh, fuck. I made eye contact. God, he looks like shit. Beautiful shit, but shit nonetheless.

  Dammit. I want to hold him.

  No. Be strong, Nana. Be. Strong.

  “You’re biting your thumb,” he observes. “Are you nervous?”

  I am. “No… yes.” I exhale roughly, moving my thumb away from my mouth. “Fuck, Noah, I don’t know how to feel right now.”

  He smiles tightly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, me neither.” He shrugs. “I know I love you, just as much, if not more, than I ever have.”

  I nod. “I can safely say the same thing.”

  He sighs, running his hand over his head. “Then why are we here right now?”

  I can say and do nothing but swallow the sob that wants to break free, blinking away the tear that has collected in the corner of my eye.

  Taking a step forward, he stops. “I told you from the beginning we would go with the flow until this wasn’t working. Then we’d adjust…” he trails off, looking down at his feet and taking a deep breath. “Or we would end it if that’s what we wanted.” He lifts his head, but his eyes are closed so tightly, he looks like he’s in pain. “Is that what you want?”

  I shake my head and blink away more tears. “It’s not.”

  His eyes open, eyebrows shooting up, and the smile that graces his face is heartbreakingly beautiful.

  “But I think it’s what I need.”

  That joy that graced his face just seconds ago melts away faster than I like, but what replaces it isn’t sadness. It’s anger.

  “So you’re not even going to give adjustment a chance? We’re not going to discuss this? You’re just going to declare it over without giving me a chance?”

  “How are we going to adjust it? Jason is sick, Noah. He needs you. You have to put him before me, rightfully so.”

  “You’re going to blame this on me?” He starts to pace, and his voice keeps getting louder. “From the get go, you,” he points at me, “put Ignacio first. You didn’t even discuss it with me. You just agreed to put yourself in an impossible situation and made me take a back seat to him and his needs.” He stops in front of me, throwing his hands to the side. “God, Nana, I can’t even touch you, much less even be seen with you in public. Hell, I can’t even tell my family what you mean to me because of him.”

  “He was emotionally fragile, Noah,” I say, matching his volume. “I had to help him.”

  “No, you really didn’t,” he shouts, waving his hands around. “You could have walked away, and no one would have been the wiser. Or you both could have admitted that your relationship was fake and you were standing by him as a friend, but now, you’re stuck playing this public role at the expense of us.”

  “Just like you’re stuck to Jason,” I accuse. I know it’s a weak comeback, but I can’t help but throw it back at him.

  He laughs humorlessly. “Jason is overseas.” He steps up to my face. “You’re sleeping under the same roof as him. Cooking with him. Watching TV with him. Going out to dinner with him. Seeing him every day. What you should be doing with me.”

  Something snaps inside me, like he just shook the soda can of my anger, and when he popped the top, the jealousy I vowed didn’t exist comes spewing forth from the depths of my soul.

  “Yeah, well at least I’m not living with someone I slept with, someone who brags that you gave her five orgasms.”

  He pulls at his hair. “She lives in her dead brother’s apartment, which happens to be in my building. It’s not anywhere near the same thing. I barely see her. And I am certainly not taking her out on dates or watching movies with her on the couch.”

  “No, but your dick sure as hell has been inside her. And you did ditch me to rush her to the emergency room when there are others who are perfectly capable of taking her.”

  He shakes his head. “Fionn was passed out from the blood, and you expect me to trust Bryan to get her to the ER and take care of her?”

  “Why not?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest. “You entrust me to him. And I certainly don’t brag to him about how many orgasms you give me.”

  He rolls his eyes. “God, Cristiana. That’s not exactly how it… Trust me, she wasn’t bragging because she wants me. She was under the influence of morphine when she admitted it.” He shakes his head. “Wait, how the hell did you hear about it?”

  “Bryan took me to my dance session this morning, and asked me if it was possible for a woman to have that many orgasms in one night. When I inquired why he was asking, he told me the whole story.”

  Tilting his head down slightly, his mouth wrinkles, his brows furrow, and his eyes narrow. He looks downright murderous.

  “He told you?” His fists clench and unclench. “He’s not supposed to reveal –”

  I take a step toward him. “Why? Are you upset that he revealed her secrets,” I point at him, “or yours?”

  His eyebrows shoot up at that jab, and he shakes his head once. “I’ve never kept what I did a secret from you.”

  “You’re right, you didn’t. But that doesn’t mean I want it inadvertently shoved in my face.”

  He moves a step closer, and leans down to look in my eyes. He’s so close, I can feel his hot breath on my face when he says, “If Bryan was allowed to know about us, he never would have shoved it in your face.”

  Recoiling, I step back. I know he’s right, yet again.

  He starts to turn away, even takes a step in the direction, but faces me again.

  “You know,” he says, his voice resigned, “you told me that you didn’t want our relationship to be a dirty little secret. Yet here we are, a year later, a
nd I can’t help but feel that all we are is an affair. All we do when we see each other is spend our time in bed, and it’s not enough for me. I want it all.” He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I came here to fight for you… for us. To keep what we have going.” His hand drops, and his eyes soften. “But now I see it’s not enough for me… for us. I want all of you.”

  His hand tentatively raises to my face and cups my cheek, wiping my tear with his thumb. When his forehead rests on mine, I let out the sob I’ve been holding.

  “I love you, Cristiana. I always will. You know that, right?”

  I nod, because I can’t do anything else.

  His lips warm my forehead before he steps away.

  A huge clap of thunder makes me jump, and I can’t help but think it’s fitting that it starts raining at the moment he lets go of me.

  I can’t watch him leave me, so I turn away. The door opens, and it feels like forever before I hear it click closed, effectively ending our relationship and beginning my hell. I slide down the wall, bringing my knees to my chest and cry into my hands.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” Ignacio screeches. “Don’t let him walk away. You love him. What is wrong with you? Go after him, Fuego.”

  I shake my head, sniffling, unable to answer him. I feel him approach.

  “Nana?”

  I can’t answer. I’m sobbing, wailing, so overcome with grief. When that door clicked closed, it felt like he took a huge part of me with him.

  Arms wrap around me, pulling me into a chest I don’t really want to be snuggled next to. It feels so awkward, but I’m too desperate for any sort of affection right now to care. His hand runs down my hair and back repeatedly, and it is comforting, even if it is strange. My sobs slow until I’m nothing but empty.

  “It’s over,” I say quietly. “It’s just over.”

  “And do you want it to be?”

  Shaking my head against his chest, I sigh. “It just has to be.”

  “But why?”

  Raising my head, I find Ignacio’s worried face. I try to smile, but it feels more like a wince.

  “Because I can’t give him what he wants.”

  He swallows, eyes wide. “Oh.”

  I push off his chest and force myself to stand. “Sorry about your shirt,” I tell him and walk upstairs to my room without looking back.

  Forty Six

  Noah

  “So, the doctor is encouraged,” Jason begins as we walk to the car. I accompany him to all his appointments where they do the heart tests, and this is the second to final one. “In the three weeks since my last treatment, I’ve shown an additional fifteen percent improvement, which makes it an almost eighty percent reversal of the damage the virus caused.”

  I take a deep breath. This news… well, it’s a bright spot in my downward spiral as of late, the one that started a month ago when I walked away from Cristiana.

  “So now what?” I ask.

  “Well, there’s one more treatment scheduled for a month from now. After that, the plan is to take me off the immune-suppressors, and then one more heart test before I’m released to only two appointments a year.” He turns toward me. “And I can do it without you next time, Noah. Each treatment gets easier, and I really think Tillie and I can handle it from here on out.”

  “Don’t be a dumbass, Jason. I’ll be here.”

  “No,” he places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently, which he’s never done before. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I can’t keep asking you to drop everything to run to my aid. I’m stronger now, and I can… No, I need to handle this on my own.”

  “You know you don’t have to be alone. You choose to be.”

  He looks down at his feet. “I know what you mean, but there’s a chance all this could reverse itself. Until I’m sure –”

  “You know she’s living with Allison now, right?” I ask harshly. “If you wait too long, you’ll lose her.”

  Blinking at my tone, he cocks his head and narrows his eyes. “I’ll take my chances.” He studies me, so I turn to walk toward the car before he sees something wrong and asks… “What’s your deal, Noah?”

  I stop and drop my head. “There’s no –”

  He places his hand on my bicep and turns me around. “Don’t fucking lie to me. You’ve been kind of an asshole the whole time you’ve been here.”

  I have to smile. Jason rarely curses, and he just dropped two major ones.

  He frowns. “Don’t point out my word choice and just tell me why you’re being a dick.”

  Chuckling, I shake my head and walk toward the car again. I can’t confide this to Jason. He’ll hear the story and internalize the guilt, thinking his illness is the reason I lost the love of my life. Truth be told, it’s all on me. However, I can’t leave him hanging. I have to figure out a way to tell him something.

  When we reach the car, I look at him over the roof. His expectant look is almost funny.

  “I fucked something up.”

  I open my door and sit, adjusting in my seat. He joins me, and out of my peripheral vision, I see his eyes narrow again as he waits for me to elaborate. When I don’t, he sighs.

  “So,” he shrugs, “whatever it is, which you’re obviously not going to tell me, un fuck it up. Whatever you think you did, figure out a way to make it right. It’s what you do.”

  Starting the car, I turn to face him. “It’s not that easy, Jase.”

  “Only Darla calls me Jase,” he snaps before clearing his throat and softening his tone. “So, you gotta work hard to figure out your shit. Dickhead Noah needs to fuck the fuck off.”

  I smile. I like this loosened up version of him.

  ***

  Late night flights suck, especially since sleeping on a plane is impossible for me. I just can’t do it. When the plane lands, I call Fionn, making sure he’s on his way to get me.

  “Grace be to God, Noah,” he says when I get into the car. “You look even worse than ye did when ye left.”

  “Once I get some sleep –”

  “I don’t know if ye’ll be getting much sleep.” He pulls into traffic, glancing my way before maneuvering through it. “There’s been a bit of a development since ye left.”

  Fuck.

  “Is it work or family?”

  He furrows his brow. “Well, it’s a bit of both.” Great. “Rest on the ride home.” Looking at me pointedly, he adds, “Ye’ll need it.”

  ***

  Scotty cues up the video and pushes play.

  “Just because these pictures look like Ignacio is kissing model Jessica Sinclair doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening,” Michelle from the Sippers defends.

  “Right,” Jacquie rolls her eyes, “he could be just smelling her breath, with his eyes closed, and his hand on her waist, and hers on his butt. I’m sure it’s totally innocent.”

  Michelle nods. “It is the second set of pictures we’ve seen of Ignacio with another woman though. And in the set we showed you Monday, he appeared to be holding hands with Condie Jessup. Rhea, can we get that picture back up?”

  “Yeah, that’s it. Jeez, Michelle,” Jacquie directs, “look at the way he’s looking at her. It’s enough for me to think he’s got a thing for Condie, then this week he’s possibly kissing the model. It looks as though they’re trying to hide, but they’re not doing a very good job.”

  “Maybe he forgot the paps follow him everywhere.” Michelle waves her hand, then stops and slaps her forehead. “Wait, does this mean he and Cristiana are no longer a thing? I just love her on that new show, Dance Like No One’s Watching.”

  Jacquie lifts her wine glass. “Yeah, that show is pretty awesome. She chose a good team of dancers.” She takes a sip. “You know, Michelle, these could be pictures from a photo shoot or a new video from Ignacio.”

  “God, I hope that’s the case. I would hate to find out Ignacio is a cheater.” She clinks her glass to her sisters.

  Scotty
pauses the video. “Ever since this aired yesterday, we’ve had to increase our security around Ignacio. As a precaution, we put an extra man on Cristiana.”

  I bring my hand to my face and rub my eye. “Who do you have on her?”

  “Bryan and the new guy, Zane.”

  I nod. “Where are they now?”

  He sighs. “As far as I know, they’re at home, but I think Bryan said she’s due at the studio by five. It’s the first live show tonight.”

  I nod and walk out of the control room. I need to see her with my own eyes, the sooner the better.

  ***

  Joe, of all people, opens the door, and grunts at me, furrowing his brow.

  “What are you doing here, Boss?”

  “I came to see Cristiana.”

  “She’s not here.”

  “Who is it?” Ignacio calls from over his shoulder.

  I feel my rage rise to the surface when I hear his voice. Pushing past Joe, which isn’t easy, I ball my fists and stomp toward Ignacio.

  Putting his hands up, he starts to back away. “Wait, I did this for the both of you.”

  I stop and grind my jaw, seething through my teeth, “Explain.”

  He looks over my shoulder, I assume to see if Joe is close, and he visibly relaxes. “I heard your argument a month ago. I know I’m the reason you two aren’t together. She’s been so different, sad and angry, since then, so I tried to talk her into staging a public break up. She said she made the commitment to me, and she was going to follow through with it not matter what. When I tried to tell her that wasn’t necessary, and she said that if we broke up, it would make losing you worth nothing. She shut me down and wouldn’t even discuss it.” He smiles. “You probably know this, but Fuego tends to be a little stubborn.” He waves his hand. “I knew without our fake relationship in the way, y’all would get back together. So, I took the choice out of her hands.”