In Development

by Rachel Spangler

  Her footsteps faltered, and she ground to a stop. Cobie came up short next to her. “What is it?”

  She stared at her, searching the eyes she’d stared at so many times, never once wondering what secrets lay behind their dark reflective surface. Cobie and Talia had been lovers. Why hadn’t she realized that? They’d spent months together working toward Vigilant. Why had she never examined Cobie’s drive in that area when she’d passively accepted so much else in her life and career? And perhaps more importantly, how had Cordelia uncovered in five minutes what Lila had missed for months?

  “It’s nothing,” she said, then resumed climbing the stairs more slowly. “Just a little winded.”

  It wasn’t a complete lie. She was having a hard time getting a deep breath. Cobie and Cordelia. Cobie and Talia. Why hadn’t Cobie told her? She hadn’t exactly asked the questions Cordelia had, but Cobie had never opened up to her as easily as she did to Cordelia either. Why Cordelia? Why Talia?

  Why not Lila?

  “Lila?” Cobie asked again, “are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes. I’m fine, I’m just . . . I’m just . . .” She pursed her lips as the unpleasant end of that sentence struck her.

  Jealous.

  • • •

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Cobie said, raising a champagne flute. “Thank you all for joining us tonight to benefit such a worthy cause. Whether you were a kid who loved to read or an adult who loves to write or you’re just a human being who understands we are all better off when the general population is literate, I think we can agree that reading education benefits us all.”

  A few people applauded lightly.

  “Words matter. Words help us define who we are as artists and as people. As actors, singers, writers, or poets, we depend on the written and spoken word to help us convey everything we love, everything we feel, everything we need the world to know.” Cobie sought Lila’s eyes in the crowd, locking her own gaze with those stunning blues. “With that, I would like to welcome to the stage a songstress and wordsmith who has a better grasp on the language and music that invoke the fullness of our human connections than anyone I’ve ever met. She also happens to be stunning and funny, and she knows how to throw one hell of a party. Please welcome our host, Lila Wilder.”

  The audience parted to grant a path, and Cobie did an admirable job of keeping her jaw off the floor as the beadwork of Lila’s dress shimmied and shook on her way to the stage. Cobie had been standing impossibly close to her all night and had yet to find an unflattering aspect to the flapper get-up. Low cut at the top and high cut at the bottom, it shivered with Lila’s every breath, flashing as red as her pouty kissable lips. What she wouldn’t give to slip the spaghetti straps off those proud shoulders.

  A cold sweat broke out across the back of her neck. She was never going to see that dress on the floor. She would never again see the beautiful body beneath it. She couldn’t, and she knew all the reasons why, but knowing something and making peace with it were two different things. She extended her hand to Lila and watched red-tipped fingers slide slowly across her palm, but instead of merely helping her onto the stage, Cobie gave a gentle tug and pulled her into her arms. Without waiting for the surprise to fully register, she kissed her, a quick but sensual kiss full of heat, longing, and a desire for something she couldn’t claim as her own. Lila kissed her back. There was no question, no hesitation, no subtle rebuke for going off-script.

  The combination left her dizzy as she steadied Lila with a firm hand passively on her hip, then she stepped back. The famous faces of the crowd came slowly back into focus, but they all seemed dull and distant compared to Lila’s satisfied smile. Cobie didn’t know what exactly had just passed between them, but she liked it more than she should have, and from the look on her face, Lila did too.

  Still, they had a job to do, so she backed off the stage to a few catcalls and several nods of respect as Lila took her seat at the piano and adjusted the microphone.

  “Thank you, Cobie. That was too generous. And the introduction was nice too.”

  Laughter rippled through the room.

  “She’s something else, isn’t she ladies and gentlemen? Smart, talented, and sexy as all get out.”

  A smattering of applause prompted Cobie to take a little bow.

  “I’ve already bought about thirty tickets to her new supervillain movie, and it’s not even out until next Christmas,” Lila continued, “but in the meantime, I wanted to share a little something we worked on together.”

  Someone gave a high-pitched whistle, and Lila laughed. “Not that kind of something. I’m going to play you a number that will appear on the album I started laying tracks for this week. Cobie has a songwriter’s credit on this one, and I’m pretty proud of it. I hope she is too.”

  Cobie forced a smile as Lila’s fingers came to rest on the opening chords of “Validate.”

  Her voice came in soft but strong, and Cobie was glad for her long sleeves to cover the goosebumps rising on her arms.

  “We all play the same game, though we’re all dealt different hands. It doesn’t mean we can’t work together to take a better stand. You can play your way, and I can play mine. Still we can help each other on the uphill climbs.”

  Lila closed her eyes and sang with a soulfulness Cobie had heard before, but never on something they shared.

  “We all make choices the best that we can, you be you, and I’ll be who I am. I’ll stand beside you through day and night. I’ll always defend your right to fight. Because no one else gets to judge, it doesn’t matter how you rate, you only need you to validate.”

  A tingle went up her spine each time Lila sang the chorus, and though she mostly felt mystified to hear her words, she did share some of Lila’s pride. This song would stand for the rest of her career as something to look back on fondly. No matter what happened from here, they would always share something lasting, something good, something real.

  She looked around the room as beautiful people nodded or swayed to the music. Lights twinkled overhead and reflected on the floor-to-ceiling glass walls while their song held everyone’s rapt attention. She was a part of this. All of it. If everything ended tonight, at least they went out on a high note.

  The thought did little to soothe the ache in her chest as she finally faced the fact that this was the last hurrah. Starting in a matter of minutes, they would pull the plug that would send everything spinning down the drain. She shook off the thought.

  Not yet.

  She didn’t want to go there yet. Closing her eyes, everything else faded. She let Lila’s voice wash over her in an attempt to hold onto this moment a little longer. Just the two of them, their words, their emotions, their legacy.

  As applause thundered through the cavernous space, a terrifying jolt of awareness hit Cobie squarely in the chest. She was alone. She wasn’t with Lila. Everything about this moment was based on a lie, one she’d willingly told everyone in the room. Why did she feel nostalgic for that? Why did she want to drag out the charade? Why get emotional about ending her time as a professional liar? Had she gotten so used to lying it felt normal?

  She sighed, and after checking to make sure Lila was completely surrounded by her adoring public, she slipped out onto the terrace.

  Had she made peace with lying about her feelings for Lila because somewhere along the way she’d stopped lying? Or had she started believing the lie? She didn’t know which, but she couldn’t deny that she’d kissed Lila tonight because she’d wanted to. And that scared the crap out of her. Despite all her best efforts to hide behind professionalism or ambition, she’d developed genuine feelings for Lila. But did they justify anything? Could she make herself less of a liar by becoming more of a fool? Those feelings didn’t absolve the lie, and they weren’t mutual. It took two people to make a relationship.

  She leaned against the terrace railing and stared out at the dark shimmering waters of the Hudson. Who had she become?

  “That was quite a sh
ow,” a woman said as she stepped out of the shadows, her dark robes rippling softly on the cool breeze.

  Startled, Cobie stepped back and then smiled as she recognized Cordelia Esme’s kind expression.

  “Yeah, Lila’s quite the performer.”

  “Just Lila?” Cordelia asked. “You seemed pretty adept in the limelight yourself.”

  Cobie shook her head. “That’s just her influence rubbing off on me.”

  “So you’re not a fan of the high life?”

  Cobie shook her head, which felt just a little clearer. “If you’re referring to the flashing cameras and throngs of reporters following me around all the time, no.”

  “It’s exhausting, right?” Cordelia said conspiratorially. “What’s wrong with those people? Don’t they have lives of their own?”

  Cobie chuckled. “I guess they’re just doing their jobs, but really, why does anyone want to know where and what I ate last Friday? I’m not that interesting.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t go that far.”

  “I would,” Cobie said. “If it were up to me, I’d be at home in sweatpants watching reruns of The West Wing.”

  Cordelia eyed her suspiciously. “Who told you?”

  “Told me what?”

  “That The West Wing is my favorite show of all time.”

  “No, it’s my favorite show.” Cobie laughed. “I called it. I’m going to snuggle up with CJ Craig all day tomorrow to recover from tonight.”

  “Is there any way we can just do that now?” Cordelia asked.

  “You can, but if I sneak out now, there’ll be all kinds of hell to pay.”

  “Oh, right,” Cordelia said. “You’re sort of in charge here tonight.”

  “Oh, I haven’t been in charge of anything for months,” Cobie said. Then her face burned, and she rushed to pull her foot out of her mouth. “That sounded bad. I’m so sorry. Please don’t take it the wrong way. The last few months have been amazing and wonderful and—”

  “Don’t worry,” Cordelia said quickly. “You’ve been busy. That’s not a reflection on anyone. It’s easy to let life run away with you. It’s just the nature of the business.”

  “Yeah?” Cobie asked, wishing that were the case. “You been there?”

  “Maybe not quite at the level you have. I do have to keep a really tight rein on things like my press and events and appearances, but my line of work lends itself to periods of quiet withdrawal more than yours does. Everyone sort of expects folk singers to disappear into the woods alone a couple times a year.”

  “God, that sounds nice,” Cobie said. “I have a log cabin in the Catskills. Cute, cozy, quiet. Actually, just about a mile from Talia’s.”

  “Sounds amazing.”

  “It is, or at least it was last time I was there.”

  “When?”

  “Christmas,” Cobie said miserably.

  Cordelia edged a little closer along on the rail. “It doesn’t have to be that way, you know.”

  Cobie shrugged. She did know, but she also knew she’d made her choices and had to live with them.

  “I’m not trying to brag, and I wouldn’t say this to anyone but you right now, but I’ve made plenty of money to live really well. I could never record another thing and be fine. I don’t need the fame or the fans or the contracts anymore, and knowing that, really being okay with what I have, has given me a tremendous amount of freedom and peace and contentedness.”

  Cobie nodded. She got the point. She had enough. She had more than she needed. She didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to do. And yet here she was, afraid to go, afraid to stay, afraid to lose something she’d never have. The things that seemed so important a few months ago were within her grasp now. She could be done. Life could be so easy, so simple again. Just her and her work and her little house in the woods.

  “I didn’t mean to get heavy on you,” Cordelia finally said as she stepped away. “I don’t know you. I only know Lila in passing. Who am I to tell you how to live your life? You live in a foreign world by my standards.”

  Cobie turned and rested her back against the rail, cold metal radiating through the thick skin of her jacket. “Then why are you here tonight?”

  “What?”

  “You don’t know me or Lila. You’re not a fan of glitz and glamour. You’re not trying to get noticed by the press. If you like the quiet life, why wade into all of this tonight?”

  “If we’re on the record, if there are any members of the press lurking around,” she said in a stage voice, “I’d say I’m here because I care about childhood literacy. Words matter, stories matter, equal access for all voices matters, and like you said, I want to live in an educated society.”

  “And if there weren’t any reporters lurking around, would you give me an honest answer?”

  Cordelia’s smile turned sweet. “My formal answer is ninety percent of the truth.”

  Cobie stepped closer. “What if I wanted the other ten percent of the truth? Would you tell me?”

  “Probably. I’ve never been good at pretense,” Cordelia said. “The other ten percent of the truth is that I just really wanted to meet you.”

  A soft gasp escaped Cobie’s lips before she could stifle the reaction. “Me?”

  “Now I’ve said the wrong thing,” Cordelia said with a grimace. “I know you’re with Lila. I’m not trying to stir any drama. Please don’t think I’m throwing myself at you. I meant what I said. I wanted to meet you.”

  “But there are so many more famous and interesting people here tonight. Why me?”

  Cordelia’s smile turned bashful again. “Because you seem like a major movie star who also manages to be really real. Like someone I could sit on a porch with and talk to about whatever was weighing on my mind.”

  Cobie looked around. If you substituted terrace for porch, that’s exactly what they were doing. “Well I guess that’s true enough.”

  “And you’re steady. You don’t change who you are all the time to chase trends. You don’t let the pressure make you into something you’re not.”

  Until recently, Cobie thought.

  “And you’re gay.”

  Cobie laughed. “Truest statement you’ve made all night.”

  “When you came out, I was so happy because you weren’t teasing us or toying with the idea to see if it was advantageous from a career standpoint. You just stood up and said, ‘This is who I am.’”

  “It hadn’t occurred to me to do it any other way.”

  Cordelia gave her shoulder a little shove. “And that’s what I like about you. Also, you look really good as Vale. Really good. And now I’m gushing again. I should have quit while I was ahead, if I ever was ahead, which I’m not totally sure of.”

  Cobie laughed a little harder this time. “You were, and you still are. Honestly, this is the most enjoyable conversation I’ve had in weeks. I don’t get many people saying they like the things about me you claim to like.”

  “Except for Lila.”

  Cobie frowned. “Lila. Right.”

  “She obviously likes you a lot.”

  Cobie turned to look back out over the river. “Yeah. That’s true.”

  Sometimes it did feel like Lila liked her a lot, but usually those times came directly on the heels of a massive argument when it seemed like Lila couldn’t stand her or, worse, couldn’t care one way or another about her presence, or her feelings. The worst part, though, was not knowing which Lila to believe.

  This moment with Cordelia was the first real one she’d had in ages. Maybe that’s why she didn’t want to go back inside, even though she should walk away before she said anything else. She had a job to do, and flirting with one of Lila’s contemporaries wasn’t on the schedule for the evening. Not that Lila would care. The longer the two of them talked, the more likely people were to notice, and the more people who noticed, the more drama they’d stir. And Lila loved drama. Hell, she’d probably give them her blessing.

  And yet it still didn’t feel rig
ht. Maybe because flirting with Cordelia wouldn’t be for the press. Cordelia was too close to the type of person she could really fall for. She had all the talent, fame, and money in the world, but she didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. She remained laid back and honest amidst everything she’d accomplished. She clearly didn’t have experience playing games, and she admired all the sides of Cobie she used to like about herself. All signs pointed to her being the kind of person Cobie would like to spend time with. And that’s exactly why she should walk away.

  Cordelia reminded her of who she was, who she could be again, and that person didn’t flirt with other women while her girlfriend waited inside. Of course, Lila wasn’t really her girlfriend, but she felt a loyalty to follow through with what they’d started, no matter what they may have morphed into along the way. And even if that devotion wasn’t a two-way street, she wouldn’t break her end of the bargain. They all deserved better.

  Her phone buzzed, and she fished it out of her pocket to check the notification on the screen. Lila asked, “Where are you?”

  She hung her head. “I’m sorry. I have to go. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, but it’s complicated.”

  “Hey.” Cordelia laid one hand softly on Cobie’s. “It’s okay.”

  Cobie gave a mirthless laugh. How could she possibly understand?

  “Trust me,” Cordelia said and slipped the phone from Cobie’s hand. She tapped the screen a few times and handed it back to her. “I know you’re fully committed to Lila, and that makes me respect you even more. But if you ever need someone to remind you that you’re a pretty great catch yourself, you’ve got my number.”