The Diary of a Nobody

by George Grossmith

  CHAPTER XVIII

  Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I amlet in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An oddinvitation to Southend.

  APRIL 8.—No events of any importance, except that Gowing stronglyrecommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost menine-and-sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in themud. It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper.The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at theoffice when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk theink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: “Stop thatknocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?” That young monkey, Pitt,took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon,it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the morning.” Tomake matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought itwiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked them ifthey would take it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the fullprice returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could notdo that—buying and selling were two different things. Lupin’s conductduring the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been mostexemplary. My only fear is, it is too good to last.

  APRIL 9.—Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie andmyself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thoughtwould be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime)had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, and he stayedto supper, an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of thesparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent as a present.Gowing sipped the wine, observing that he had never tasted it before, andfurther remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands.I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn’t look agift-horse in the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied: “And he didn’t likeputting it in the mouth either.”

  I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting itmyself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them.The sparkling Algéra is very like cider, only more sour. I suggestedthat perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied:“Oh! I don’t think so.” We had a very pleasant game of cards, though Ilost four shillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lostabout sixpence: how he could have lost, considering that Carrie and Iwere the only other players, remains a mystery.

  APRIL 14, Sunday.—Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I awokewith a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum.Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of ourcongregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to find alarge newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, evidently thrown overby those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever we have friends,climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory, tap at the windows,making faces, whistling, and imitating birds.

  APRIL 15.—Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, throughthat stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it onthe table.

  APRIL 16.—The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice,Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at theMansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr.Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery Company,would in all probability be present. Lupin, in his usualincomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it was a “bounders’ball.” I didn’t ask him what he meant though I didn’t understand. Wherehe gets these expressions from I don’t know; he certainly doesn’t learnthem at home.

  The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived anhour later we should be in good time, without being “unfashionable,” asMrs. James says. It was very difficult to find—the cabman having to getdown several times to inquire at different public-houses where the DrillHall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places. Noone seemed to know it. However, after going up and down a good manybadly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea itwas so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who onlygrumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and wasimpertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a’bus.

  Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it wasbetter late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though,as Carrie remarked, “rather short for an officer.” He begged to beexcused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped weshould make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked roundthe rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing. I couldn’tfind a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being inuniform. As we were entering the supper-room I received a slap on theshoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: “Mr. Padge, Ibelieve;” he replied, “That’s right.”

  I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself athome with Carrie at once.

  There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne,claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless ofexpense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular likingfor, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked himto sit at our table, and I must say that for a short fat man he lookedwell in uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back.It was the only supper-room that I have been in that was notover-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, everybody being sobusy dancing.

  I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her namewas Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr.Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must look after yourself.” Hereplied: “That’s right,” and poured out half a tumbler and drank Carrie’shealth, coupled, as he said, “with her worthy lord and master.” We allhad some splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow.

  The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some morewine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also some peoplewho had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil. Itoccurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me inthe City, as they were so polite. I made myself useful, and assistedseveral ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There is nothinglost by civility.”

  The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room.The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, andas I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms to themand escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr.Padge: “It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. Padgereplied: “That’s right.”

  When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter who hadbeen attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder.I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, butnevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. Hesmilingly replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,” alluding tothe shilling. “Your party’s had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at1s., three bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and asixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!”

  I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficientbreath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to whichhe answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that theinvitation didn’t include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who wasstanding at the bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured meit was quite correct.

  The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under anymisapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there was nothingto be done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managedto scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on mygiving my card to him, said: “That’s all right.”

  I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined tokeep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would ent
irely destroy thepleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoymentfor me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin.Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we werewishing her “Good-night,” asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visitto Southend? On my replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, shevery kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down and stay at our place?”As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished togo, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay tillMonday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, giving us theaddress and particulars of trains, etc.

  When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the roadsresembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty ingetting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, a man saidhe would drive us, anyhow, as far as “The Angel,” at Islington, and wecould easily get another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; therain was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of thecab.

  When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed tired out. Carrie gotout and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolute horrorI remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabmanhow we were situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; thecabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober, called meevery name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized me by thebeard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes. I took thenumber of a policeman (who witnessed the assault) for not taking the manin charge. The policeman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen noassault, and that people should not ride in cabs without money.

  We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when I gotin I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word, as Iintend writing to the _Telegraph_ for the purpose of proposing that cabsshould be driven only by men under Government control, to preventcivilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that Ihad had to endure.

  APRIL 17.—No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said hewould soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc.

  APRIL 18.—Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton,called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in thedrawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it,as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. It was Mrs. James’suggestion, and of course Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests.For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m aplain man, and don’t pretend to be in the fashion.

  APRIL 19.—Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a ratheroffensive tone accused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in his cisternand letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his. Hesaid he should have his repaired, and send us in the bill.

  APRIL 20.—Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had beenon his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroomdoor, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown tohim a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got between thedoor, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the door hard, to give itan extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fell backwardsdownstairs.

  On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed outof the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, and remarked itwas very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though I had mysuspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that he had onlyrun out to open the door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this wasthe second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to inquire. Isaid I knew nothing about it. Cummings said: “It was mentioned in the_Bicycle News_.”

  APRIL 22.—I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails agood deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, shereplied: “Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. It’s all the fashion now.” Isaid: “I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head.” Carrielaughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does it now.”

  I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. Whenever she does shealways introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie’s head. One ofthese days I feel sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I am sure itwas Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-coloured paperwith white ink. Nonsense!

  APRIL 23.—Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us thetrain to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to staywith her. The letter concluded: “You must come and stay at our house; weshall charge you half what you will have to pay at the Royal, and theview is every bit as good.” Looking at the address at the top of thenote-paper, I found it was “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.”

  I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her kindinvitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point.

  By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I ordereda new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards’, and chose the pattern bygaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture withwhite stripes down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, Ifound it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green withbright yellow-coloured stripes.

  I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said:“What mixture did you say you asked for?”

  I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.”

  Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to know thetruth.”