Reflections

by Reflections (epub)

  Kitty suddenly felt helpless. All traces of reality escaped her and she felt she was sinking into something dark and cloying she could never escape from. She knew it would be much worse than it had been for Beth nearly drowning in the sea. Gasping for breath, panic spreading through every nerve of her body she turned and fled.

  She slammed into something hard and immovable and she fought against it, her terrified screams emerging silently and terrifying her all the more.

  ‘It’s all right, Miss Copeland, it’s me Jacob.’ He was forced to clamp her arms to her sides. ‘Kitty, Kitty, listen to me. You’re safe, nothing can hurt you.’

  Kitty felt she was dying and the vile sensations she was suffering would stay with her and imprison her forever. Suddenly the last of her resources went, her knees sagged and she slumped against the strong thing obstructing her.

  The next thing she was aware of was an acrid smell and she shifted her head away from it. She heard Winifred’s anxious voice. ‘The smelling salts are working, Reverend, she’s coming round. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize Miss Copeland had slipped out. I’d just brought in her morning tea and realized she was no longer here. Thank goodness she had the good sense to put on her furs. Oh, poor lady. Will she be all right? Shall I ring for Doctor Powell?’ Winifred sounded almost in tears.

  ‘I’m sure Miss Copeland was just a little overcome,’ Jacob said. Kitty found comfort in his strong firm voice. ‘Run and fetch another cup. I’ll stay with Miss Copeland. If I think she needs the doctor I will ring for him to be summoned.’

  Minutes passed, and Kitty was sitting with her feet curled up on the sofa, drinking a second cup of well-sugared tea and almost stuffing down butterscotch biscuits. For some reason she felt a ravenous thirst and hunger. She had her fur coat round her shoulders and the blanket was over her legs.

  ‘Are you warm enough?’ Jacob asked, from a nearby armchair.

  ‘I am, thank you. I feel rather foolish now.’

  ‘You have no need to at all. You were clearly distressed. Miss Copeland, may I ask why you were beside Philip Tresaile’s grave? I take it you had a significant reason.’

  ‘I don’t know what made me go out there really. I overheard Winifred talking about the Praed wedding, about how Beth looked awfully nervous in the chapel. They talked about the goodness in Beth. I felt guilty about hating her so much.’ Kitty put her head in her hands and her voice fell low. ‘I haven’t told you this. I should have, you’re a priest and you have the right to know while I’m sheltering under your roof. After Beth told me about her and Stuart I went into a rage. I pushed on her and that’s when she fell. I didn’t intend her harm but I’m responsible for the fact that she so very nearly died. I thought I had killed her. It’s what drove me mad. Hearing about her today I was overcome with guilt at not forgiving her, when it was me that should beg for even more forgiveness from her. I suppose I went out to Philip’s grave, a favourite place of Beth’s for reflection, to try to gain something from the peace that is always to be found there, from his innocence. It came to me that Beth had lost her twin brother, that she had never known him. It made me feel an utter wretch.

  ‘And then I felt completely vulnerable and panicked.’ She gazed up at Jacob in anguish. ‘Everything is such a mess. I’m such a mess. Beth’s life is a mess and so is Stuart’s. They betrayed me. It hurt me more than anything I’d ever known. If I hadn’t given way to fury, hated Beth at that moment and just railed against her instead, if I’d walked back to Owles House and left for Wiltshire and given myself a chance to come to terms with the confession the consequences wouldn’t have happened, nothing would have become public. The whole thing wouldn’t have become so sordid. I’ve hurt and frightened people who didn’t deserve it, people who have always been kind to me, Mrs Vyvyan, Joe and Mrs Reseigh. I’m a terrible person and I hate myself.’

  ‘No, you mustn’t hate yourself,’ Jacob said firmly, in the manner of an order. Then he became soft and soothing and took a careful hold of Kitty’s hands. ‘Miss Copeland, Kitty, listen to me as a priest and as your friend. You are allowed to be human. You were taken by surprise by Miss Tresaile’s confession. Of course you didn’t mean to hurt her, and your reactions were entirely natural. It’s because you are good and honest that your mind could not cope with the horror of everything.’ He saw her desperate tear-filled eyes, and moved by more than pity and the desire to help her, he gently placed his hands either side of her face. ‘Listen to me, Kitty. You did nothing wrong.’

  ‘Not at first perhaps, but you would advise me to forgive Beth and Stuart, wouldn’t you? Or I won’t receive forgiveness from God.’

  ‘It’s part of my job but it’s also the best way, Kitty, to bring yourself peace. You can forgive Miss Tresaile and your brother but it doesn’t mean you have to be as close to them as you were before. You might find that hard or impossible for a long time or for always. As I said before, you are allowed to be human, and none of us are perfect. My advice to you is to do what you are able to comfortably do each day.’ Jacob was reluctant to retreat from her but he had already compromised propriety and he retook his seat.

  Kitty too sat back then gave a wan smile. ‘Beth found peace and so much more once she had forgiven Mrs Vyvyan.’

  Winifred entered the room. ‘Excuse me Reverend Benedict, Mr Copeland is here asking to speak to you on a matter of some importance. He says to apologize for coming here but to stress it’s a matter that really can’t wait.’

  ‘Oh,’ Jacob said, disappointed his time with Kitty had been cut off. ‘You had better show him into the study, Winifred. Excuse me please, Miss Copeland.’

  Kitty waited a couple of minutes then she was up and heading for the study to listen at the door. Was Stuart planning to leave Portcowl right now? She could not allow that without speaking to him. He was her brother. He had always been good to her. She had always looked up to him. They had always loved and needed each other.

  She overheard Stuart say, ‘It concerns the safety of someone living in Portcowl.’

  Kitty’s heart dropped with a sickening thud. Had someone threatened Beth at the wedding, threatened her very safety over the scandal? If so, it was partly Kitty’s fault. Without a thought she barged into the study. ‘Was it Beth you were talking about? Is she in danger? I’m sorry, but I have to know.’

  ‘Kitty!’ Stuart leapt up from his chair opposite the desk and headed for her. ‘How wonderful to see you. How are you?’

  Jacob was astonished at Kitty’s interruption but pleased about her obvious concern for Beth.

  ‘I’m not concerned about myself,’ Kitty replied, her eyes darting over Stuart’s face. ‘You’re so pale and thin. You need a shave. Um, yes, were you talking about Beth, Stuart?’

  ‘No, not Beth but, indirectly, her sister Evie.’ Stuart’s eyes followed the flicking path of Kitty’s. ‘Can’t tell you how much it means to have you talking to me. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’ll do anything you want if you’ll forgive me. You’re a bit pale and thin too, Kitty, but just as beautiful. Will you…?’ He tentatively reached out a hand towards her.

  Kitty bypassed his hand and stepped up to him leaning against his chest for a hug. ‘Of course I forgive you. I could never turn against you altogether. I just lost my way.’

  ‘Thank God, thank God,’ Stuart murmured, holding her tighter and tighter.

  Jacob allowed them time to unite and pass through the first crucial emotions. Then he said, ‘Why don’t you both take a seat so Stuart can tell us why he’s here. And afterwards you can both talk in the comfort of the drawing room alone.’

  Twenty-Seven

  Down on the little beach below Owles House Beth was half-heartedly tossing sticks for Chaplin. The dog soon tired of her poor efforts and raced off to explore the rocks and pools, leaving Beth to gaze sullenly out at sea. The wind had turned to the east and it was bitingly cold but she welcomed the chill eating through her flesh and into her bones. She took anything that punished her as a just fate.
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  She had left the wedding as soon as she and Christina were able to squeeze past the noisy joyful clamouring crowd on the chapel forecourt, pausing only to tell Evie how beautiful she looked. Thankfully, once Alison and Rob Praed had made their spectacular entrance, the happy young couple and the service had claimed the attention of her antagonists. As Beth’s ears had taken in the soaring harmonious Celtic voices of the hymns, she had envied Alison Praed, an ordinary woman marrying her decent, hard-working man and looking forward to a steady contented life, carrying on decades of tradition.

  Once home Beth had changed out of her finery and then, to please Christina, joined her and Joe to eat a meal of Scotch broth and hot rolls. ‘You did marvellously well, darling.’ Christina had patted her hand as they had eaten. ‘You were very brave to turn up on such a big occasion; people will appreciate that. Things will get better, you’ll see.’

  Beth had smiled for Christina’s sake. Things would get better but not everything. She did not care about the gossips, only that what she had believed was the right thing to do was a huge, foolish mistake.

  Joe had stayed quiet throughout the meal, and Beth knew he was still concerned about Kitty. Beth had told Joe more than once how sorry she was about the offence and anxiety she had caused to him, their mother and so many others. Joe had shrugged, a typical gesture of his, but Beth had seen how disconcerted he was at the whole episode, and he had mumbled, ‘It’s what grown-ups do, mess up. I’ll be one quite soon. Hope I don’t make the same mistakes.’

  When Christina had gone upstairs to rest, and Joe was doing some school homework, Beth had changed again and called the eager Chaplin outside for exercise.

  There was not much point, Beth decided on the inhospitable shore, in passing all the distasteful stuff through her mind again. If she made herself ill and depressed, it would be unfair to her mum and Joe. She must make the effort never to be selfish and foolish again, make it her reason for living. She would wait for Chaplin to run himself ragged then she’d return to the house, make a hot drink and prepare the food for tonight’s dinner. She must make the effort to keep busy.

  Suddenly Chaplin started a riotous barking and was racing for the wooden steps. Beth looked up and her whole being lurched with apprehension. She was frozen to the spot. Kitty was coming very slowly down the top steps and Chaplin was excited to see her. Beth bit her bottom lip and gazed down at the sand, sure that Kitty needed to rail against her again. Beth assumed Jacob Benedict had driven her here. He would then probably take her on to the railway station and she would leave for Wiltshire.

  She heard Kitty call to Chaplin, with delight, ‘Hello, old boy. How are you then?’ From the edge of her eye Beth saw Chaplin had reached Kitty and the pair went through a friendly reunion. A stifling heaviness weighed down on Beth. She felt horribly alone and like a traitor. The only lightness of spirit she felt was the gladness that Kitty was well enough to make the journey to have another go at her.

  ‘Hey, Beth? We’re both here!’

  Beth looked up again and there on top of the cliff was Stuart. She closed her eyes and gave way to the sudden overwhelming relief of knowing the sister and brother were reconciled. At least she didn’t have to bear the guilt over their broken relationship any longer. So Stuart had brought Kitty here.

  ‘Beth! Come up!’ Stuart shouted. ‘Kitty can’t manage all the steps down to you.’

  Down to me, Beth thought, her body giving a jerk. She must climb the steps. She couldn’t expect Kitty to come down to her. Hardly daring to raise her eyes Beth began the trudge across the sand. She felt such trepidation yet she was pleased to be able to see Kitty to say sorry again, even if Kitty had harsh things and recriminations for her.

  Stuart was now helping Kitty to ascend to the top. Chaplin was one step behind them. ‘Come on Beth, there’s nothing to worry about,’ he shouted down to her.

  Nothing to worry about? Beth hastened her steps. Surely this did not mean Kitty had forgiven her too? She hurried so Kitty wouldn’t have to stay longer than necessary in the exposed coldness, but she couldn’t bring herself to look up at the Copelands, fearing the apparent sociability on Kitty’s part would change once they were eye to eye.

  She reached the top and was on the cliff path and, still keeping her head down, found it necessary to clear her throat before saying, ‘Hello, Kitty.’ Finally she faced her old friend, feeling like a criminal, penitent and deserving of any punishment coming her way. It was the most uncomfortable feeling of her life.

  ‘Hello, Beth. Mr Benedict kindly lent us his motor car to get here,’ Kitty said, and she explained that she wanted to talk things through, to tell Beth she no longer hated her, that she understood her failings. ‘I also want to ask your forgiveness for pushing you which nearly led to your death.’

  Briskly but brightly, Stuart said, ‘It’s too cold to stay talking here. Mrs Vyvyan is expecting us and will have hot drinks ready. Let’s all hurry to the house.’

  Beth could only nod. She had listened to Kitty with ever increasing amazement and joy as her misery had been dispelled. Then she and Kitty were hugging and wiping away tears of emotion.

  The group set off for the house.

  A short time later the walkers were refreshed and warm beside Christina’s roaring log fire. ‘Well, I suppose you girls have a lot to say to each other,’ Christina said. ‘I’m sure Mr Copeland won’t mind withdrawing with me to the kitchen.’

  Before Stuart closed the door, he said, ‘I don’t suppose either of you really know where to start. I know you’re both very sorry and all that, as I am. Why not make things less awkward and painful and decide to take your points as read and go on from there. You were once as close as sisters. Why worry if one of you has more to be sorry about than the other. Neither of you meant to harm the other. Concentrate on building up a new relationship.’

  ‘I think Stuart made some very good points, don’t you?’ Kitty said, adding a small smile, ‘It’s the college principal in him.’

  ‘I agree,’ Beth replied. ‘I can still hardly believe you’re here. I’ve missed you so much, Kitty.’

  ‘This must be worse for you, Beth. Don’t let it be. I feel differently about everything now. The visits from Joe, and Mr Benedict’s counsel after I’d stood at baby Philip’s grave, and finally when I thought Stuart was about to leave Portcowl – he’d turned up at the vicarage on a village matter, I’ll tell you about that in a moment – made me see everything clearly. I am sorry for screaming at you that day and for pushing you. I’ll always feel bad about that. If you had died I don’t know… if I could have coped with it. My trouble was I’d always seen things in a rosy picture.’

  ‘Not trouble, Kitty. There’s nothing of trouble about you. You weren’t naive, just wonderfully honest and giving. I’m sorry about my deceptions and how long I kept them up. I was selfish concerning Louis, Martha and Connie, and you, and I shall always feel bad about that. I swear there are no more secrets. I’m sorry for Stuart now that he’s lost everything, but glad he’s got you. He has, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Stuart and I are fine.’

  ‘And us? I don’t expect you to want to put our friendship back on the same footing. Will you leave and never come back again?’

  ‘We’ll be fine too. I want the past left there and for us to go on as before. I mean I could never forsake dear Joe and Christina. I love to be mothered by Mrs Reseigh, and to hear Richard and Lily squabbling. I love the cove. I want to see if Mark and Claire Opie will actually marry. And then there’s Evie. I want to go to her wedding. And it’s Evie who is connected to the reason Stuart came suddenly and urgently to the vicarage.’

  Kitty relayed the incident Stuart had witnessed in the Praed backyard. ‘Mr Benedict thinks Davey Vage was certainly there intent on mischief, maybe to cause Rob injury to prevent him supporting Evie as his wife. Mr Benedict thought it unwise that he or Stuart should inform Rob what had happened. Rob would inevitably confront Vage in a hostile manner and the result of that might
work in Vage’s favour. Evie is devoted to her father. Mr Benedict thought it would be wise if you were to mention the incident to Evie and leave it to her to question her father.’

  ‘I agree. I won’t get the opportunity today. I’ll see her in the morning. Thanks for telling me, Kitty. It’s not right Evie has to put up with this.’ Why couldn’t the wretched man let Evie live her life how she wanted? She wasn’t doing anything in the slightest wrong wanting to marry the man she loved, and Rob wasn’t a bad lot any more. Davey Vage certainly was though, and rotten and, Beth felt, somehow dangerous. Beth was sure of one thing: she would not allow Vage, whatever the cost to herself, to ruin Evie’s chance of a happy future.

  ‘Are you going to continue to stay at the vicarage?’ Beth asked, enjoying a normal conversation with Kitty.

  ‘For two or three more days, then Stuart and I will travel home, to my house, that is. Stuart will stay with me for the foreseeable future. He’s already put his property on the market. He will be giving the proceeds to Connie for the children. She’s said he can go over to Ireland and have Louis and Martha for the weekend before Christmas. He’s booked hotel rooms.’

  ‘And then you and he will spend Christmas together? If… if you care to, you will still be very welcome, both of you, to spend Christmas here with all of us. Joe would love that,’ Beth added quickly. ‘I don’t mean that as emotional pressure, please don’t think that.’

  ‘Thanks for the invitation. We haven’t made a decision about that yet. We both need to catch our breath, so to speak. But we’ll keep in touch.’

  ‘That’s more than I could have hoped for just a little while ago,’ Beth said, shivering, more with the continuing release of all the stress and strain than anything else.