Ha!Ha!Ha!

by Steve Beaulieu

  • • •

  “Hey Pizzetti, I heard the jury is ready to hang you now. Two hours and they’re on their way back to the courtroom. What a joke this case was.”

  Charlie had learned to hate the jail guards with a deep passion, and even more so every time they put him back in manacles, because there was no mistaking that they always made it as painful as they could. Soon he’d hear the verdict. Maybe.

  He tried again on the way to the courtroom.

  Squeeze. Concentrate. Squeeze…squeeze. Take it all back…all back.

  It was useless. His ability and the power he thought it gave him turned out not to be so great after all. It had abandoned him when he needed it most. And his reverse time trick never did let him become the Casanova that Charlie hoped it would make him. The few girls who said yes to a date in high school put quick stops to any make-out sessions he started. He tried pushing it a few times, but they never gave in and he always ended up feeling sorry for them, so he always backed off, most of the time feeling so humiliated that he would travel counterclockwise to just before he tried to kiss them. Once he even went back to the day before so that he hadn't even asked the girl out, to her knowledge. At least that way the girls couldn't compare notes and laugh at his feeble attempts.

  Charlie was hoping things would change once he attended college. Just a few students from his class were going to the Ohio State University, so for him it made perfect sense to go there. With such a large campus, who would know that he used to be chubby and called Grease Tub?

  Shortly after Charlie moved in to his dorm, he realized just how right he was. College life was very different, and now he had new opportunities. His Grease Tub days were definitely a thing of the past. He had thinned out nicely over the last few years, and he decided he really wasn’t a bad looking guy. But best of all, he started noticing that some girls were actually attracted to him. He could hardly believe his luck.

  Charlie wanted to impress, so he made sure that he was never a fool in any of his classes. Every time he gave a wrong answer, he squeezed his eyes shut, concentrated, and came out the golden boy. Tests were the same way. If he had a problem, he would go to the front of the room and grab the teacher’s answers and then take off running, hide, read the answers, and reverse time. For longer tests he would often have to do this several times, but it made no difference to Charlie, as long as he came out with an A.

  Charlie knew that Nadine DeWine, a really cute girl in his freshman composition class, liked him. He’d seen her gazing at him more than a few times, and decided to ask her out.

  “Charlie, you must be the smartest guy on campus,” she told him over dinner. This was the kind of moment Charlie had waited for all his life, to be praised by a girl who really seemed to like him, and so he breathed in the odor of their pizza, noticed the hoop earrings Nadine was wearing, let the background murmurs of the other customers flow into his ears, soaking all of this into his memories. He didn't want to ever forget the sights, sounds, and smells, but most importantly how this made him feel.

  Yet it was all a lie, and deep down he knew it. He was smart, but far from the smartest. He’d cheated, and although it didn’t always feel right, he wasn’t about to stop. Not when things were going his way.

  • • •

  He really liked Nadine. Things just seemed to click between them, and soon they found themselves spending every spare moment together. Over spring break, she even went with him to his parents’ house.

  Then in April, Charlie got a C on a research paper for his history class. He'd worked hard on it and was very frustrated that he would need to write it again. Sometimes it just got so tiring. No one else had days as long as he did with all his counterclockwise trips.

  Before the bell could ring to end the class, Charlie must have read over the professor's notes on his paper twenty times. As everyone filed out of the room, Charlie, shut his eyes, squeezed, concentrated, and was back in his dorm room, books spread all around him, laptop with a blank Word page starring him in the face, telling him he hadn't even started yet. Two weeks back. That was his biggest reversal yet.

  First he needed some rest before he could start working on his paper. He knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate since he'd been out late with Nadine the night before. And his roommate Ryan wasn't in. That was good. Ryan was a nice guy, but because everyone thought Charlie was such a genius, they'd always ask him for help with school work, and Ryan didn't have a problem waking up Charlie when he was stuck for an answer.

  So where was Ryan? It was just a little after 6 p.m., and as Charlie lay on his bed, trying to relax and fall asleep, he wondered if he could remember much from this night when it originally happened two weeks ago. But nothing came to him and he wondered, for just a minute, if all his backward trips were having an effect on his memory.

  Just as he was on the verge of sleep, Charlie sat upright on his bed, angry at himself for being so incredibly stupid. Why hadn’t he tried to get a look at any of the papers that received good grades so he’d know what the professor was expecting? What an idiot, he told himself.

  He was mad and felt like his face was beet red, and a thought came to mind that maybe he should just skip writing the paper altogether. He was so tired and the idea was so tempting. But two weeks? He'd have to wait two weeks and then be humiliated at failing the project, grab the papers off the professor's desk and run out of the room, find a place to hide and read them, then travel back in time two weeks yet again. The whole thing was crazy, and it hurt his brain to even think about it. No doubt he needed to sleep for a while before he could make any major decisions. But he felt like Grease Tub all over again.

  He'd probably been asleep for two minutes, he figured, when he woke up to someone knocking on his door. He just couldn’t get a break.

  "Forget your key again, Ryan?" he said as he pulled the door open.

  “Do I look that bad that you think I’m a guy?” Nadine asked as she stepped into his dorm room.

  This wasn’t at all on Charlie’s radar. Had she come over while he was working on his paper? He really couldn’t remember. He was so tired that everything was becoming one big blur. All he wanted in the world at this moment was sleep so that he could have a clear mind to figure out what his next move should be.

  “Been working hard on your paper?”

  “Yes,” Charlie answered through gritted teeth. His frustration had reached a new level and he didn’t think he’d ever been as enraged in his entire life as he was at this moment. He didn’t want to be mad at Nadine, but he felt as if he couldn’t help it. He was so upset at the situation and all the pressure he put himself under.

  “I thought you might want to take a break and go grab something to eat. Maybe even go to a movie tonight, if you think you have time.”

  Charlie felt like laughing hysterically at Nadine’s use of the word time. She didn’t even begin to understand time and its consequences. No one did, not like him.

  “No,” he muttered, trying his best to keep his voice calm. “I don’t have the time. If you don’t mind, would you just go? I really need to get some rest.”

  Nadine gave him a funny look and actually took a step backwards.

  “Okay, Charlie, I’m sorry I bothered you. Sleep and an attitude adjustment is what you need.”

  Then something inside Charlie snapped, and to him, Nadine was no different than Jacob Moran rounding third base and thanking the Grease Tub for serving up such a delicious fastball.

  “No one talks to me like that,” he shouted. “I’m better than all of you.”

  He slapped her hard across the face, and it felt good. Before she could recover or say anything, he’d grabbed her wrist and swung her across the room. Nadine cried out as she crashed hard against his desk and slipped to the floor.

  A kick to the stomach took the air out of Nadine’s lungs and Charlie knelt down beside her.

  He felt as if he didn’t have control of himself or his actions, yet he never felt more alive tha
n he did at this moment. Maybe it was the fatigue, or some kind of temporal problem from traveling counterclockwise so many times through the years, but the reason didn’t really matter. He was in charge. Charlie Pizzetti was better than everyone else, and they needed to know that.

  He knelt down and cradled her head in his hands and looked into Nadine’s eyes. She was hurt and scared, and it made him feel powerful. There was nothing like it in the world, he realized. Absolutely nothing.

  “Charlie, please…please let me go.”

  “Got your breath back again, do you? Go ahead and cry some more.”

  Nadine screamed with as much force as she had left in her body, and Charlie’s first impulse was to run, forgetting for just a moment that he was like a god compared to the rest of humanity, that he was in control here. Infuriated that she could make him forget who he was, he smashed her head into the floor as hard as he could, then rolled over onto his back and started to laugh hysterically.

  There was a noise behind him and his door opened and there stood Ryan with several other guys from the dorm. He turned his head and looked at Nadine again. Her eyes were open but nobody was home, he realized. A pool of blood surrounded her head.

  “I can bring her back from the dead, you know.”

  “You killed her?” Ryan asked, voice quivering.

  “I can do anything I want,” Charlie told them. “I have the ultimate power. I can reverse time.”

  He burst into fits of laughter while the others stood there with worried looks on their faces. They didn’t understand. Charlie heard sirens in the background. Somebody had either called the campus police or an ambulance or both. He knew that none were necessary. He would squeeze his eyes shut and go back now. Nadine would be fine. He really did like her, maybe even loved her. But he got upset, and the pressure was too much. He needed to do this. For his very sanity he needed to do this.

  Squeeze, concentrate, squeeze.

  Nothing, and now he could hear shouting out in the hallway.

  Squeeze, concentrate, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

  Everything was a blur after that, from being read his rights to the handcuffs being excruciatingly tight on his wrists to his ride in the squad car. Something had gone horribly wrong, and this time Charlie couldn’t go back.

  • • •

  Just before the trial began, Charlie realized that this was the first time he had attempted to travel counterclockwise after he had just gone counterclockwise. Maybe that was why he’d failed. And had that attempt negated his powers temporarily, or maybe even permanently? He couldn’t afford to think that way, because there was too much at stake, not just for him, but for poor Nadine. He had gotten so out of control, and she was so scared to see him like that. And now it seemed as if there was nothing he could do, no way he would ever be able to change things, to see her and hold her again.

  “Mr. Foreman, will you please address the court.”

  “We, the jury, find the defendant guilty of murder in the first degree.”

  Squeeze eyes shut. Concentrate. Squeeze.

  “We, the jury, find the defendant guilty of murder in the first degree.”

  Squeeze. Concentrate. Squeeze. Take it back, take it all back.

  “—find the defendant guilty of murder in the first degree.”

  Squeeze. Oh please, please, please. Squeeze.

  “—guilty of murder—”

  Squeeze. Squeeze. Squeeze.

  “Guilty.”

  Squeeze.

  “Guilty.”

  Squeeze.

  “Guilty.”

  Squeeze.

  A Word From Ed Gosney

  I fell in love with superheroes when I watched Batman and Robin battling the forces of evil in the mid- to late-Sixties. It was fun, exciting, and campy, but for a young boy, it was everything I needed. Then Saturday morning brought Super Friends to my TV, along with after school reruns of Spider-Man and other Marvel cartoons that didn’t have very good animation, but had great opening theme songs. Ultimately, the glamour of television superheroes led me to little mom and pop stores that had racks of comic books you could buy with pocket change.

  Years passed, and while I wasn’t always loyal to comic books, they were always loyal to me, available whenever I needed to escape from the rigors of this world. Then one fateful day I found myself surrounded by mountains of white boxes full of comic books, and knew I had to stop, so I went cold turkey for eight years. Sadly, I had to eliminate a large part my collection, and while not an easy thing to do, my family needed room to breathe.

  But like a supervillain who gets locked up and keeps breaking out of prison, the allure of comic books is too tempting to resist. Once again, I’m buying comic books. I’m choosier, mostly purchasing back issues to help complete runs of the comics I loved so much as a kid. Along with that, I also read a lot of digital comics on my tablet. There are both economic and storage advantages to going digital, and I’ve been enjoying it very much.

  These days, I share my love of comics through a weekly blog I post on my website called “Cool Comics in My Collection.” You can find it at www.edgosney.com. While visiting, consider signing up for my newsletter so that you don’t miss out on freebies and updates on my fiction. You can also find all my books and stories on Amazon, and feel free to reach out to me via email at edgosney62@gmail.com.

  THE GALA

  BY MORGON NEWQUIST

  THE GALA

  BY MORGON NEWQUIST

  THE FLUORESCENT LIGHTS whizzed dizzyingly above her as Keres Tenebrae spun herself in the rolling chair. Bored, bored, bored. She had finished all her work and now she drowned in insufferable boredom. It didn’t matter that it was three a.m., she never slept anyway.

  The door behind her opened and shut softly, but Keres did not stop spinning. It made her brain feel like it was being sloshed about in her skull. Sometimes that feeling made the voices go away.

  “Keres, I thought I asked you to stop visiting me here,” Thanatos said in a mild and not unkind tone, but she could hear the frustration in it. She stuck her feet out to stop herself mid-spin. Her black boots left several deep scuff marks on the tile floor before she slowed completely.

  “I’m sorry,” she said instantly, completely meaning it. She looked at her boss’s face, suddenly feeling guilty. She had forgotten that he’d asked her that. She forgot a lot of things.

  He was dressed as a normal man, not as his alter ego. Combed grey hair, a grey beard, and thin glasses framed a middle-aged and kind-looking face. No one would ever guess that he moonlighted as the mysterious, infamous supervillain Thanatos.

  “I am just bored,” she explained, sitting up straight in his chair. He sighed fondly.

  “Ah,” he answered noncommittally. Well aware of what happened when she got too bored. When the voices and the emotions filled her up, he always had a distraction for her. He moved to his desk, and after flipping through some paperwork, pulled out a newspaper article. He turned and handed it to Keres. She read it with little interest until a choice few words stood out at her.

  “A charity gala? A ball?” she gasped, ice-blue eyes going wide. She turned to look at Thanatos.

  “Yes, hosted by Riley Hirsch, too,” he supplied. Some part of her brain made the connection that she was the daughter of the Banshee and Achilles, but most of her squealed internally at the thought of pretty dresses, fancy food, and men in tuxedos.

  “All of our...friends...should be there,” Thanatos said, putting special inflection on the word friends. Keres nodded.

  “Oh! Oh! Can I go! Pleeeeaassse? I never got to go to prom. This would be magical!”

  “Yes, my dear, you may,” he replied, and this time, she did shriek out loud. He winced at the pitch of it.

  “But you must get the rest of your work done first,” he said sternly once she’d fallen quiet.

  Keres nodded excitedly.

  “Yes, yes. I can get it done!” She didn’t even know what he wanted her to do this time, but she would de
finitely get it finished in time to go to the gala. Tonight she would be a real-life Cinderella.

  “Yes, of course. You’re always such a good girl.”

  Keres glowed, the terrible emotions that were her constant companions vanishing for a moment with his praise.

  “Thank you!” she cried, taking the to-do list from him enthusiastically. This would be the best day ever. She half-ran and half-galloped out of his office and into the street, excitement bubbling in her chest. It drowned out the sadness, at least for a little while.

  • • •

  Keres sat in Diana Strickland’s office, tinkering with the various awards and little collectibles that littered the room. This was her first stop for the day. Not only did she need to complete the task for Thanatos, she needed to prepare for the gala. She felt sure they wouldn’t let a skinny little plebe like her in, so she had to look the part.

  Thanatos had many irons in the fire. He always did. This ensured that one way or the other, he would get what he wanted in the end.

  Today it was her job to keep one of those irons hot.

  The sound of a key in a lock made Keres perk up. She sat up straight in the chair behind the desk, hoping to look intimidating. She always managed to, despite her tiny size.

  “Your bill is due!” she shouted cheerfully as the impeccably dressed lawyer walked in the door. The woman screamed, spilling coffee everywhere and dropping her folders. Keres laughed. Good luck getting that stain out of the pristine carpet.