Love At Every Size

by Jordan, Jesse

“Go ahead, it doesn’t matter, and he’s upstairs anyway,” Melissa says, smirking. “I’m going to lay it on the line with you, Louden. I’m going to get some of your dick, or else you’re going to be out of a job.”

  I blink, stunned. This cannot be happening. “What?”

  “You heard me,” she says, biting her lip. “Either you meet up with me for drinks, and you let me take you back to my place where you fuck me until I’m satisfied, or else I go to the administration.”

  “But Melissa, I’ve got a girlfriend,” I state lamely. “I’m not even single!”

  “Like that matters?” Melissa says. “Louden, I don’t want to date you, I want to fuck you. I’ve heard the rumors, you and the fat girl that you’re doing these fatty love meetings with. Hey, if that’s what floats your boat I don’t care. Be a chubby chaser. But you’re going to be my fuck toy boy, and when I snap my fingers, I don’t care if you’re on a date with her, if you’re moving in together, hell, I don’t care if you’re walking down the aisle over at First Baptist Church with her. You get to my side, ready, willing, and hard as a fucking rock.”

  “This is total bullshit,” I grumble, feeling violated and defeated. “What makes you think you can get away with this?”

  “Who do you think the administration is going to believe? The assistant men’s basketball coach, who’s got a daughter and has been known as a player for a long time... except for his ex-girlfriend who’s seeing another man, or the seven figure new hire who’s been in relationships with Hollywood A-listers?”

  I shake my head, unable to deny her point. I’ve kept myself private since Cathy’s birth, and because of that the rumors have swirled. I didn’t care before Denise because it didn’t matter. But now- “Dammit Melissa, this isn’t fair.”

  “Who said I’m fair?” she asks, chuckling. “Listen, I’m not a total cold hearted bitch. Friday night, your girlfriend’s got a fatty support meeting on Friday nights, right? Well, that’ll be date night for us. We meet up at the same bar we went last time, but this time we end the date with you buried balls deep inside me. Or... I go to the Athletic Director on Monday. You don’t want to be trying to find a new job coaching, Louden. Not with a little girl and a sexual harassment gig on your record. They blasted the fuck out of the Hollywood guys with only the word of some actresses. What do you think they’ll do to you? Think about it.”

  Melissa leaves, and I get dressed quickly, my stomach churning, partly from the workout, but mostly from the blackmail. I head upstairs, where I find Billy in his office, early for once after the last of the academic meetings are complete. Hell, we don’t even have meetings with players right now, not with finals coming up. They need to focus on the books.

  “Coach?” I ask, sticking my head in his door. “You got some time?”

  Billy looks up from a book, High School Basketball Coaching, nodding and setting the book aside. “Of course, Louden. Just doing a little bit of preview reading. What’s wrong?”

  “Who says anything’s wrong?” I ask Billy, who laughs softly. “What?”

  “Louden, your hair’s a mess, you haven’t made yourself your post-workout protein shake that’s nearly a religious habit for you, and most telling, you don’t call me Coach any more unless we’re in front of players or you’ve got something on your mind. Last time I saw you this worked up, it was the day after Lana moved out. So sit down and close the door, son. Talk with me. But first, go make yourself a protein shake, I can see your hands shaking.”

  I do what Billy says, coming back in and sitting down, the shaker cup held in both hands to make sure I don’t drop it. “Thought you hated these things? The smell makes you nauseous.”

  Billy shrugs. “I’ll Febreeze the office when we’re done. Now, start at the beginning, tell me what’s wrong.”

  I think, and start all the way back to my first meeting with Denise. I tell him everything, how a taunt became a kiss, how a kiss became something more. “Billy, I didn’t intend to get involved with her, I swear to God. But once we did, I haven’t felt this way about a woman since... well, since the start of my time with Lana. I haven’t said anything because you know how I am with words about my feelings, but really, I like this woman a lot.”

  Billy nods, sipping his huge coffee. “Okay, go on. Because nothing you’ve said would have you like this, Louden. I’ve known you for a decade, and you’re right, you screwed the pooch with Lana. But you’re a wiser man than you were then. So what’s wrong?”

  “Melissa Kelly,” I say, laying that side out for him, starting with her first approach to me in the weight room and ending with her ultimatum while I had a towel around my waist in the locker room. My voice catches a few times while I tell him, and when I finish, I take a deep shuddering breath before I drain half my protein shake. “Shit Coach, what am I supposed to do?”

  Billy thinks, then shakes his head. “You say she’s got a picture of you in just a towel?”

  “Yeah, I’d just gotten out of the shower though! I wasn’t trying to take beefcake shots for her or anything!” I half yell, frustrated to the point I swear I might cry. I haven’t cried since Lana left me. “Dammit Coach, I’m telling the truth!”

  “I believe you,” Billy says quietly, and I sag into my chair, trying to hold back the tears. “If anything Louden, that right there tells me you’re telling the truth. You’re a horrible actor son, and right now you’re behaving like someone who’s getting sexually harassed. I had to do the training on that a few years ago, remember? You’re behaving just like a sexual harassment victim, Louden. And like I said, nobody’s going to confuse you with Leonardo DiCaprio. So you’re telling the truth, that I can see.”

  “So what can I do, Coach?” I ask, wiping at my eyes. “I don’t want to lose Denise, I don’t want to lose my job, and I sure as hell don’t want to be Melissa’s fuck puppet!”

  Billy thinks, then sighs, shaking his head. “I wish I had some good advice for you, Louden. I really do, but this is part of the reason I’m walking away from college ball, going to high school. I’m not built to deal with this sort of stuff any more. In my mind, I’m still taxed out with the way players acted back in the nineties. So on that side, I don’t know. All I can say is you’re in a tough spot. Melissa’s right, she’s a high profile hire by a university that’s desperate to do everything it can to put the football scandal from the Pizza Bowl behind it. That was just one of the reasons the university hired her, and I can guarantee you that Melissa’s going to have a high powered team of lawyers to attack you or the university if you go to the AD first. So it’ll become a matter of who they believe, you or her.”

  “And nine times out of ten, they’ll believe her,” I say, feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut. “Does nothing I’ve done for the past ten years count?”

  “Unfortunately probably not,” Billy says. “Louden, you can tell the AD about Lana, or Cathy, or all the good stuff you’ve done. All Melissa has to do is show that picture, claiming you sent it to her, and get a few of the students to talk about the few times you did one night stands on road trips since you broke up with Lana, and you’re behind the eight ball. They’d rather lose you than lose her.”

  “So I’m either a fuck puppet or unemployed,” I whisper, shaking my head. “What would that do to my daughter, Billy? What about Denise, even?”

  Billy shakes his head, leaning forward. “I don’t know, son. Like I said, it’s another reason why I’m moving down to high school level. I can’t handle this type of stuff any more. Whatever you decide to do though, I’ll support you as best I can.”

  I look up at Billy, reading the meaning behind his words. He’ll support me, but if Melissa carries through with her threat... my ass is hanging in the breeze, and there’s not a damn thing Billy can do about it.

  At least I get back to my desk before I start crying... and I keep it quiet.

  Chapter 18

  Denise- An Open Book

  “You have some explaining to do.”

  Lou
den’s barely put his bag down when the words are out of my mouth, and I know that I’m being unfair. I’ve been stewing for days now, unable to get Cassandra’s accusations out of my mind. Every time I think of answering Louden’s e-mails, I see the pictures of Melissa Kelly looking all sexy in her bikini, and the picture of the two of them in some bar, her hand on his crotch.

  What hurt the worst was that I looked up Melissa Kelly, and we’re the same height. She’s got the build that I starved myself, tortured myself for years to have and couldn’t. If she had red hair I could have used her pictures to make my ‘goal’ pictures from back when I was going through the madness.

  And she grabbed his crotch. Each time I think about that anger takes over, and I know that I can’t reply to anything Louden says. Even now, looking at him as he put his bag down, I’m trying to control my anger.

  Louden turns around, and a little bit of the anger fades. He’s got a haunted look on his face, and his normally chiseled jaw has become even sharper, to the point he’s looking drawn out, exhausted. “I do,” he finally says, his voice almost papery. “Please, I’m asking you... just let me talk in my way. And listen?”

  His almost pleading voice shakes me to the depths of my stomach. I’ve never seen Louden as anything other than confident before. Even when he told me about his dyslexia, it was embarrassed, but not like this. He was quiet because he was shy then. Now, he’s shaken up. I nod, gesturing to the seat next to me. “Sit down, Louden. I can’t promise I won’t have questions, but... I promise I’ll listen.”

  Louden nods gratefully and slumps into the chair, and in the light from overhead I can see the shadows under his eyes, he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. “Go ahead and ask.”

  “Tell me about Melissa Kelly. Are you seeing her?” I ask softly, and Louden winces at her name.

  Shaking his head, Louden swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “She was the woman I mentioned when I said that I was asked out on a date by another woman. She approached me the morning after you’d told me you wanted us to be just professional, and I was... dammit Denise, I fucked up. I should have told you then that I didn’t want to be professional, that I wanted more with you. But she asked me, and I was like, well, what the hell.”

  “And since then?” I ask, and Louden looks over. “I saw of a picture of you two, she was grabbing your crotch.”

  “I told her no that night, but she hasn’t paid attention. It’s every fucking day, she’s coming by my office, hitting on me. I’ve told her no in every way that I can think of, but then....”

  Louden’s voice cracks as he tells me about Melissa’s ultimatum in the locker room and his discussion with Coach Two Eagles. As he talks, I watch him carefully, part of my training as a counselor is seeing when people are lying.

  And according to that side of me, Louden’s telling the total truth, he’s been a victim of sexual harassment. He’s showing all the classic signs of stress, the traumatic signs that I’ve been trained to see in women who are victims of harassment or domestic violence. It’s the first time I’ve seen it in a man though, and it’s just as disturbing.

  “So... I’ve been trying to figure out what to do. Denise, I don’t want to lose my job, but I don’t want to fuck her. I... you...”

  He stops, his throat working as he tries to hold back the tears, and I’m stabbed through the heart. He’s probably been trying to tell me this for days, and in my anger and fear I’ve been ignoring him. I take a deep breath, and try to set it aside.

  “Louden, I’m feeling torn. The counselor in me believes you. I can pull out some of my old textbooks, you’re showing all the classic signs of someone under stress and traumatized. But the woman in me, she’s scared. Louden, it’s been hard for me to even believe that a man like you would be interested in me as more than a side piece. Even after the dates, even after the nights we’ve been together, there’s a scared woman inside of me who says that you might be playing me, that there’s no way you’d turn down a rich cover model girl for me.”

  Louden wipes at his face, a desperate light in his eyes. “What can I do, Denise? How can I show you that I’m not a player, I’m not trying to sidepiece you?”

  “You?” I ask, thinking. “Nothing. But maybe there’s someone who can help us both.”

  * * *

  “Miss Roberts, thank you,” I say nervously, shaking the hand of the woman whose front door I’m standing in. God I feel like an idiot. “I know that this is sort of out of the blue.”

  “It is, but when Louden called me, I heard it in his voice. I’ve only heard him sound like that three times in all the years I’ve known him, so I knew it was important. Come in, and call me Lana. Would you like some wine? My boyfriend just brought me a bottle he ordered from some wine shop in Italy, and I’d feel stupid drinking the whole damn thing by myself,” Lana says, smiling.

  She’s shorter than me, and I can see why Louden says she’s beautiful, she’s got that girl next door sort of fresh beauty that hasn’t faded at all even though she’s thirty now. She’ll be the sort to not score modeling contracts, but still turn heads for at least another decade.

  “I think I can handle a glass or two,” I admit, feeling a little out of place in my business suit while Lana’s in jeans and an old Mount Reston long sleeved t-shirt. “Mind if I take off my jacket?”

  “As long as I get to feel jealous about you rocking that awesome suit better than I ever could,” Lana says, chuckling. “Of course not. So what’s the crisis?”

  “Well, tell me, you said that you’ve heard Louden sound the way he did on the phone three other times. What were they?” I ask as the two of us sit down at the four person kitchenette table. Lana’s got a nice house, not too big, but cozy, good for a single mother with a daughter.

  Lana takes out a corkscrew and opens the bottle, pouring two glasses of the dark purplish-red wine before handing me one and sitting down. “Louden’s the sort of man that would have been adored back in the fifties, he doesn’t show his emotions as much as he feels. He’s got that sort of John Wayne slash Gary Cooper sort of stoic vibe. The three times his voice cracked like that, there was the time he didn’t get drafted by the NBA, and he’d just found out that the most he’d get was a D-league deal. They said he was just a touch too slow, a couple inches too short, that he was too much of an outside player to play small forward, and too much of an insider to play shooting guard. His dream was crushed, really, and I held him all that night as he sobbed like a baby in my arms. Then when Cathy was born, and we saw our daughter. He cried for joy then.”

  Lana’s voice goes soft, and she stares at her wine, swirling it in her glass. “The third was two years later, when I said that I was leaving him. We both cried that night.”

  “Why’d you leave him?” I ask, curiously. “Did he ever... you know, cheat on you?”

  Lana looks up, her eyes flashing angrily. “Never! Say whatever you want about Louden Graham, but he never cheated on me. Hell, even when we were dating, he’d go to these tournaments, these away games where he could have gotten his play on. And he never did. He’s loyal to a fault, sometimes. I left him because, at the time, I was number three in his life, and I couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “Number three?” I ask, and Lana nods.

  “For most of our relationship, basketball was number one to Louden. He lived, breathed, ate and slept basketball. It’s how we met, and how I got through to him to buckle down and study, simply to keep basketball in his life. When he got into coaching, he tried to make me number one, but the needs of a basketball coach, I couldn’t ever be more than tied for first place. He tried though, my God how he tried. After Cathy was born, all that effort was given to her. And I... I couldn’t take that any more. I was greedy, I was self centered, and I left him. It’s the one decision I wish I could take back.”

  “Why?” I ask, sipping my wine. “You deserve to be number one in your man’s life.”

  Lana shrugs. “I know that’s what the books s
ay, and probably what you tell your clients. Maybe that’s why I enjoy being with Craig, my current boyfriend. You see, Louden loved me, but there was always something that stopped him from asking me to marry him. We’ve talked about it, and I understand what stopped him, even if I didn’t at the time. Either way, he’s grown in the two years that we’ve been apart. He’s a good man, Denise.”

  Lana takes another drink of her wine, finishing off her glass and refilling, giving me an ironic grin. “So, are you going to tell me what brings you to my kitchen to share some damn good wine with me?”

  I drain my own glass, accepting a refill before I answer. “Well, let’s just say that Louden and I are seeing each other,” I say before explaining everything. Lana finishes her second glass of wine while I’m talking, listening intently the whole time.

  I’m moved when her face clouds as I tell her about Melissa Kelly’s threat, and Lana sets her wine down to ball her fists in her lap, and I reach my conclusion. “So, I feel like shit. I mean, I doubted Louden, but in talking with you I don’t know how I could have.”

  Lana glowers for a moment, her voice growling slightly. “That bitch... sorry Denise, not you, this Melissa Kelly. I know the girl that she’s talking about, she was one of those that yeah, Louden played around with one night with back when he was a sophomore. And yeah, she had a thing for him when he and I started seeing each other, it made things difficult for a while. I thought she was out of our lives. Guess not. Jesus... I’m pissed for a couple reasons. One, Louden doesn’t deserve this! In the two years we’ve been apart, he’s become a better man, better than most men even if he’s not perfect. But also, she’s threatening my daughter.”

  “But you can take care of your daughter, right?” I ask, looking around. “I mean, this is a nice house.”

  “That Louden pays a big chunk for,” Lana says softly. “When we broke up, he vowed that he would continue to take care of me and Cathy. So he’s got no retirement fund, and he drives the beat down used car he does because he owns it outright, he bought it with an inheritance from his grandparents. He looks like he’s making a lot of money, and I guess he is, because he’s paying for my lifestyle as well. Cathy’s college fund has fifteen thousand dollars in it already, while Louden’s driving a ten year old Honda. So while you’re right, I could take care of my daughter on what I make in my job, I’ve done okay for myself, but not in this house. More than that though, Melissa’s threat is a threat to Louden’s chance to be a father. And he’s one hell of a father, Denise.”