Ash Addict

by Al K. Line

  I looked deep into her eyes, searching for regret, sorrow, even humiliation at being found out. I searched for shame. I found none of those things. All I found was Sasha, with a hint of disappointment maybe. Sure of herself as always, knowing more about everything than I ever could, ever would. Self-confident, certain of her actions, self-assured and with the deep-seated righteousness all fae possessed. The belief that they always knew best, knew what was good not only for themselves, but you, and everyone else as well. It was infuriating.

  "You don't understand. You don't know what we did, what happened," she soothed, making my blood boil.

  "Why don't you tell me then? You betrayed me, Sasha. You! You're meant to protect me."

  "I do, and I will, for as long as you need me."

  "I need you now. I got kidnapped and tortured. I was helping Ivan get Mikalus' ashes, to destroy them. Cerberus' warehouse is ready to blow, who knows what's happening there right now, and Ivan bloody killed me and you gave him the okay to do it. You colluded, conspired, and betrayed."

  "I did none of those things!" Sasha said crossly, folding her arms across her considerable chest and distracting me in the process.

  "You did. I bet this is why you've been so clingy lately, isn't it? I thought it was because of what happened with your sister, how I saved you, remember? Like I did once before? Rescued you from imprisonment, released you? I thought it was because of that. But no, I bet it was because you already made the deal and felt guilty? Right? You felt bad because you knew what you'd done, how much you'd betrayed me. Ugh, you're meant to look after me. That's what you promised. Now you go giving my life away like it's nothing." I collapsed onto the sofa, suddenly exhausted. Too many emotions were vying for attention and it had wiped me out, left me empty of everything but disappointment.

  "My love, you don't understand at all. Please, let me explain what I can."

  I nodded, and grunted. It was all I could do. All I could bear.

  "I have been staying closer to you lately because I felt you needed my help. You are a child, Arthur. A dear, sweet wizard but a child nonetheless. Yes, you rescued me, and you saved me from my sister, and I may have been coming to your aid more often since then because it made me realize quite how precious you are to me. But there is another reason."

  "Ha, I knew it."

  "It is because you are foolish, and you keep getting yourself killed."

  "Do not," I grumbled.

  "No?"

  "Maybe a little bit," I admitted.

  "Rather more than that. But it is not my place to constantly save you from yourself. You make your own decisions, and besides, I cannot always be there to stop you doing something silly. Like when that witch killed you repeatedly, and you tore through the gift of life I gave you at a ridiculous rate. Those are not the actions of someone who cares, those are the actions of someone looking to end it all. You were suicidal whether you knew it or not."

  "She had a gun," I protested. "There was nothing I could do about it. Was that why Death was so grumpy? Because he expected me to arrive with the ashes and fulfill whatever bargain you'd arranged?"

  "No, that wasn't the reason. Not the only one, anyway. He's a complex character, as you'll learn."

  "I already know that!"

  "You know next to nothing," hissed Sasha. My head snapped up. She never spoke like this, was always softly spoken and kind with me. "You don't know how things work. You squander your lives and complain when one is used for the greater good. How selfish, how juvenile. Just like a child."

  "This is my life," I protested. "You and Ivan betrayed me."

  "We did not! Ivan acted on the understanding that what he did was inevitable, that you would waste the lives and your future. Maybe that has changed. Since you found Penelope you have been more cautious, truly have something to live for, but you are your own worst enemy, Arthur Salzman. You act irrationally, you court death, and would be long gone from this world if it were not for me, so do not presume to lecture me on what's best."

  "Maybe all of that is true. Maybe I was reckless, maybe I still am, but that's my decision to make. Not yours. I choose. I'm a grown man and I choose."

  "Very well, that's as it should be. But don't blame me for wanting to look out for you, to try to stop you doing something selfish. Which you did anyway, dealing as you did with that witch queen. You were low, and you acted irrationally."

  "Okay, whatever," I said, waving it away. "What's this deal you made with Ivan? When did you make it?"

  "He came to me, told me of the ashes. Don't ask how we met, the vampires have their ways and our paths cross occasionally. He voiced his concerns, was worried about what he had done, and it was then I understood that it was fate. There are, ah, things you do not know, cannot know yet, that made me give voice to an option I knew would assist not only him, but you, and Death, and everyone else. What's one life when you have many? What difference does it make when the inevitable has to happen anyway?"

  "What inevitable? I don't know what you're talking about."

  "And neither did Ivan. I assured him that if he were to give you the ashes then kill you, that it would be no bad thing. In fact, it would help you both."

  "How?"

  "It doesn't matter, because it looks like you got out of it. Like you always do." Sasha looked disappointed, like she wanted things to be different.

  "What's the contract? What did I sign? I know I didn't sign it physically, but I agreed somehow. What is it?"

  "All in good time, my love. For now, you must help your friend and hope it isn't too late. Where is he? I can feel it, time is of the essence. You must act, and fast. However you do it, you must destroy the ashes before morning. There are only a few hours left before everything changes, before the world changes and then I am afraid I cannot help."

  "I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean by all this?"

  "I can say no more. Just listen, and do as I say. Destroy the ashes, for good, or the vampires will rise and humanity will be lost. Not immediately, but soon. And there is no coming back from some things. Goodbye, my love."

  She was gone.

  I was more confused than when my computer beeped at me.

  All Forgiven

  I sat, thinking for a few minutes, going over the conversation with Sasha, trying to figure out what was happening, what I was involved in. I came up blank. Whatever she was up to, Ivan knew nothing of it, had taken her at her word. That if he killed me it was no bad thing, that in fact it would help not only me, and him, but her and everyone else too. He took it on trust. Maybe I should have done the same.

  Maybe I should have trusted him, but that's a little hard when someone stabs you.

  The more I thought about it, the less sure I was of anything. All I knew, now I'd calmed down and could think a little more clearly, was that however angry I was with Sasha for toying with me like this, I did trust her. Sure, I knew she was manipulative, and certainly dangerous, but she loved me, and I her. She would never do anything to hurt me intentionally; she made a promise to protect me to the best of her abilities and that was what she'd always done. So she must be doing that now, too.

  If she couldn't tell me things, it was for a reason. Maybe she actually couldn't, maybe she didn't want to, maybe it was something entirely different. I was like a child to her, she was right about that, but I wasn't one, not in the human realm anyway, so I had to act like a man and take this hit then move forward.

  If Sasha said I had to see this through with Ivan then that's what I'd do. If she said he thought he was doing the right thing, then I should take her at her word. I don't think I overreacted, but now I'd seen her I understood that Ivan wasn't being selfish, he was doing what a bloody faery tasked him with. Somehow, killing me was the best way to help us all out and stop the mistake he'd made having devastating consequences.

  Reluctantly, I swallowed my pride and called him.

  "Where are you?"

  "Trying not to move. This stuff is still
eating through me. You said it would be over by now."

  "Guess it's taking longer than I thought. Listen, stay put, I'll come get you."

  "I thought we were done? I thought you hated me?"

  "We were. I did. But I spoke to Sasha."

  "She explained?"

  "She explained nothing, but I trust her, and she told me why you did it, so I guess that's good enough."

  "I'm sorry, I truly am. She promised me it was for the best, would be all right and that I had to do it, for reasons she wouldn't say. She's your faery godmother, Arthur, she has to protect you. If she said do it, then who am I to argue?"

  "I know. I get it, okay? All forgiven. We'll find a way to end this. Oh, and she said it had to be tonight, before dawn, so let's get a move on. Think of a way to do this, because we're running out of time."

  "Thank you."

  I hung up. Time to get my skates on.

  First, I needed another coffee. The world could wait. I'd be no good if I zonked out before I could save the day in what I assumed would be a suitably epic, amazing, wizardly way.

  Picking Up Where We Left Off

  I was on a merry-go-round as I so often was when deep in the magic game. Back and forth, round and round in ever-decreasing circles. Seemed like I spent half my life going from barn to house to car to house. In portal, out of portal, to the city, back to the country, and on and on. I'd get chased, I'd blast, I'd run, I'd shout at Vicky then do it all over again and again until I caught a break. Maybe this time it would be different, but it didn't feel like it as I returned to pick up a wayward vampire who not so long ago I'd wished dead, just to make things even.

  I was worried, truly concerned, and that didn't happen often. Sasha's words had cut deep, and I had to force myself to rise above a mire of self-loathing, questioning my motives, maybe even my sanity, and dig deep to search for why I did what I did. Had I been suicidal? Was I still? Was Sasha right about the way I acted? Did I have a death wish?

  Over the years I'd often pondered such questions, as I knew I was wayward, gung-ho, took risks and was always close to the edge. But I enjoyed it, didn't want to die even if the gift of extra lives had made me play fast and loose with my mortality. Always pushing it too far as why not, right? Why worry? If I screwed up, I'd always get another shot.

  That time with the mad witch queen had been a step too far though, burning through lives like they were going out of fashion. Could I have stopped that? Did I let it happen because I couldn't be bothered to fight and struggle in this painful world? I didn't think so, but what did I know? We're often our own worst enemy and it's very difficult to judge yourself honestly, to look inside and accept what you find. It's a scary proposition, to evaluate your own needs, wants, and desires and not just run screaming into the hills because you despise what you find deep down in the dark places where you hide away all the nasty stuff about your own shortcomings.

  We're all flawed, God knows I was, still am, but I was certain that however low I got, however sad, alone, full of despair I'd been, and it was many, many times over the years, I was never suicidal. I needed the excitement, the danger, the risk-taking, because that was what made me feel alive. I'd accepted that a long time ago. It didn't mean I wanted to end it all, it just made me who I was. The Hat. A damn good wizard, an even better thief, and a pretty decent runner. Oh, and a great lover, which goes without saying.

  Personal flaws aside, and I was aware I had many, what was more concerning was Sasha's involvement. Part of it was because of me, Sasha had my best interests at heart, I should never have doubted that, but she was involved because the ashes had deeper implications than I'd imagined. The last time, nobody knew what kind of man Mikalus was, now we knew. He was hellbent on changing the face of the vampires for ever. If he was resurrected and went off with the ash addicts, which I assumed he would given half the chance, then Sasha was right, it would be the end of it all.

  And then there was Cerberus. The warehouse would blow, so it had to be dealt with soon too. Sasha never normally concerned herself with mortal affairs that weren't about me or my family, but this time it seemed like she was overstepping the line, meddling in things that were none of her business. I thought there were rules about such things, that they couldn't interfere like this, but then, I guess it was all linked back to me, so that was why. Either that, or it was her excuse so she could screw around and get away with it.

  Why had she made this arrangement with Ivan? It must be because she knew the deal done with Death was inevitable so why not kill two birds with one stone, that was why. But I wasn't about to make any deal, because I still didn't know what it was. There had to be another way, I just had to find it. We had to destroy the ashes, and there had to be an easy solution to that problem.

  Should I spread them about, make it hard for them to be gathered back up? That would buy some time, but not long. And then what? Go through the whole rigmarole again in a few days, weeks, or years? No thank you. Ivan, and Sasha, were right. This had to be done, it had to be ended. Permanently.

  I racked my brain as I drove to collect Ivan, but I came up blank. How do you destroy something that cannot be destroyed? And how could I diffuse the situation at the warehouse? I could only imagine what was happening there now. It would be chaos as more adepts reached their destination.

  I pulled in to the parking spot, got out, and trudged through the dark woods to collect Ivan. Hopefully, he'd have a better plan than me. Because I had nothing, and time was running out. In a few hours this would all be over, one way or another.

  A Bit Awkward

  "Hey," I said, nodding at Ivan.

  "Hey," he replied, looking as sheepish as I felt.

  "Um, you know, er..."

  "Yeah, crazy, eh?"

  "Haha, too right." I kicked at the dirt with my boot.

  "What a night." Ivan rubbed his nose, then ran a hand through his hair.

  "And it isn't over yet."

  "I bet. So..."

  "So, let's get to it."

  And that's how men say sorry.

  To the Batmobile

  We had to wait several more excruciating minutes for the magic black holes to pop out the other side of Ivan's flesh and for him to recover. He'd fared better than most, better than anyone else, as he was the first to ever survive a Hat special.

  I filled Ivan in on what Sasha had said, and he told me what he could of the deal he'd made with her, of his doubts, of his reticence to kill me. But she'd insisted it was no bad thing, and would solve the problem of Mikalus along with something else I faced. He was confused, but trusted her as he knew same as me that once you get a faery godmother, it's hardwired into the fae to do all they can to ensure you remain safe. Granted, they can't keep track of time too well, and their idea of protection is often very different to your own, but the fact remained, whatever she was up to, she was trying in her own way to guard me.

  Then we moved past it, vowed never to speak of it again. Not by voicing our agreement, men don't do that, but by grunts and steadfastly avoiding the topic, pretending like it never happened.

  We were almost at the car when a familiar sound came from overhead.

  "It's the damn helicopter again," I said.

  "I'm surprised they took so long. Wonder who it is?"

  "Does it matter? Not a friend, that's all we need to know."

  "Let's go," said Ivan, opening the passenger door.

  "Where?

  "I have absolutely no idea. I don't know what do, how to deal with this now. All my hopes were pinned on you-know-what."

  "I'm sure we'll think of something," I said optimistically, opening the driver's side door. "But I'm not dealing with Death, whatever Sasha told you. There's something fishy going on, and somehow I just know that isn't the answer."

  "Sure? Sasha seemed certain it would work."

  "One hundred percent."

  The world turned blinding white as a searchlight hit the car, the chopper rapidly descending now it had its mark.
<
br />   Guess the quiet interlude where I got to reflect on past mistakes and set myself up for more in the future was over. Action stations.

  "To the Batmobile," I shouted.

  "We're already here, and shouldn't it be called a Vampmobile?"

  "No bloody way. If anything, it should be a Wizmobile." I got in, started up the car, and left before anyone shot at us.

  Too late, I'd hardly pulled from the layby when the windscreen exploded and showered us in glass.

  "Shouldn't safety glass just crack but not break?" moaned Ivan as he brushed shards from his hair.

  "No, it just isn't as sharp, and certainly not when it's shot out by a bloody machine gun."

  "Fair enough."

  We smiled at each other, then I floored it and tried not to think about all the glass I was sitting on. It's a nightmare to get out of your bottom. I speak from way too much experience here, but it's all part of the game.

  At least we'd bonded. There's nothing like a secret power intent on your destruction to make two guys get along.

  Quest For Destruction

  The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting the result to be different. So driving down a road being chased by a helicopter seemed like a stupid idea. They'd follow us, and I doubted they'd give us the chance to hit the main roads and lose them at a service station or a busy junction, if there were any.

  No, we had minutes at most before they either shot the tires or downright killed us and swooped in to pick up the pieces, those pieces being Mikalus, and not us.

  I killed the lights, sped up, and took twists and turns on the lanes hoping we'd lose them that way. But the helicopter was too close, and this time they had a searchlight, so I put my own lights back on as crashing wasn't a good idea either.

  Without warning, and I blame myself as I had seen no street signs, I hurtled past white lines and found myself driving straight across a main arterial road, one of those strange bypasses that appear from nowhere, leaving you unable to work out why they're there at all.