by London James
“What are you getting at, Gray?” I’m starting to get a little impatient now. He doesn’t know the situation. He doesn’t get it.
“Well, thirteen years of love, memories, and friendship, broken over one night. It’s been two years since you have talked?”
“Yeah, so?”
“I mean, the friendship must have not meant that much to either of you if you guys were willing to give up thirteen years. It’s sad.”
“She’s the one that didn’t try!”
“I know, but it doesn’t mean you had to stop. And you let your anger with her get in the way of your relationship with your dad? Man, all those years ended, for what? Some teenage mistakes?” He slaps my shoulder, yawns, and gets to his feet. “Well, I hope you work it out. All this mushy shit has made me sleepy.”
And there it is.
“Night, Gray. Thanks for listening. I’ve never told anyone that before.”
He knocks on the frame of the door and smiles, “Man, that’s what friends are for. I’ll bust your ass for it another time when you aren’t face to face with the love of your life. Who is also your sister.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I throw a pillow at him, but he shuts the door just in time, and his laugh carries down the hall until he enters his room.
I can’t help but wonder if he is right. I look out the window again and see the snow coming down a bit harder now, and there is still no sign of Everly coming back. I stare at the picture in my hand and know Gray is right. It still doesn’t change anything, though. I’m not ready to talk to her. I’m not ready to forgive her, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know if can. I didn’t throw away thirteen years. She did.
And it does hurt because I look at all relationships differently now. The effort, the time, the emotion, I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. Everly took that from me, and I’m still working on trying not to see new relationships through a veil of fog, but two years later, I can’t see anything through the thick.
I sit the picture frame face down on the nightstand and flop down on the bed. I stare at the ceiling, thinking about all the years of memories we made together. It is fucked up. All those years as friends, sharing our closest memories, and she ruined it. It’s time that I let it go. And I don’t mean the last two years.
I mean the last fifteen.
I can’t live like this anymore. I’m ready to let it go. And these past two years, I had no idea how angry I still was until I saw her in my dad’s house this morning. All those feelings I had pushed aside came roaring back. It slammed into me hard, and now I can’t turn them off.
I don’t know how long I lie in bed, but it’s long enough that the house is quiet, and the night is at its darkest, and my eyes are finally starting to get heavy when headlights beam through my bedroom window, and a car door slams.
Everly.
I turn to my side and debate on going to talk to her when I hear the door close to the room next to me. I get up and walk over, pressing my ear against the wall to see what she is up to.
“Blaire, I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while. I wonder if she is still living the punk goth fantasy.
“Yes, he really did say that. No, I don’t know if he knows I heard what he said.”
I pinch my brows together, wondering what the hell she is talking about. I haven’t spoken a word to her.
“Listen, he said for his friend not to waste his time. And he said that I’m not a good person, so that’s that. And no, I don’t want you to kick his ass.”
“Damn it,” I mutter under my breath. Guilt churns my stomach. I said those words to Gray out of anger; I didn’t mean them.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. Yeah, I met a guy tonight, and we have a date tomorrow.”
A date? I push away from the wall and start to pace next to the bed. This is exactly what I wanted, isn’t it? To bury the last fifteen years and move on with my life? But now that she has taken my advice, I don’t like that the tables are turned.
If she goes on this date, it could lead to kissing, sex, or worse a relationship, or worse than that, marriage. Then I’d lose her forever. And I don’t have her now, but she’s always been my Everly, even if we aren’t friends right now.
I have to sabotage that date.
I mean, it’s the only thing that could make this situation worse, and then maybe, just maybe, we can finally go our separate ways and pretend we didn’t love each other for the last fifteen years.
At least that’s what I tell myself. It isn’t because somewhere deep inside me I know that she’s mine and is supposed to be with me. Everly can’t be with anyone else.
Chapter Four
Everly
Want to know a secret?
I don’t have a date tonight. I only told Blaire that to get her off my back about needing to move on and ‘sow my wild oats’ while I’m still young and pretty. Her words, not mine. I have never felt the need to do that.
The only one I ever felt that for hates me, and it’s my fault, and that’s something I’m going to have to live with forever because I don’t ever see that changing. I flip over to my side and sigh, putting my hands under my cheek as I look at the out of place door that connects to Rowan’s room. Of course, I picked the room right next to his.
Subconsciously, I knew that when deciding where to stay. I chalked it up to not being here for so long, but my soul tugged to him, and I couldn’t ignore that. Not while being this close to him. It’s sad, knowing at one point we were as close as two people could ever get, and now I have to settle for being in the room next to him.
If it was up to me, I’d be in another country.
I roll to my back, pulling the covers up to my chin and debating whether I want to get up or not. If I stay in my room, I’m safe. I don’t have to see my previous lover and future stepbrother or have awkward ‘family’ breakfast.
Ugh, freaking put me out of my misery already. I shove a pillow over my face and scream until I have no more breath in my lungs.
“Huh, that oddly feels better,” I say to no one but myself.
This house is going to be my new home away from home now. The place I come to because my mom is here, shacking up with his dad. No, I’m sorry. She is in love and happy. I get it; the Michaels men are irresistible. I don’t blame her for falling for him. It would be hypocritical of me if I did.
Five more days. I can survive five more days, right?
“Don’t be a coward, Everly,” I mumble to myself and toss the covers off my body. I shiver as the cold air drapes over my skin like another blanket, and I run to the bathroom to turn the hot water on in the shower.
I shuck off my large Metallica t-shirt that I stole from Blaire and toss it on the floor. I don’t listen to them, but it’s so comfortable, and I’m pretty sure she stole it from a guy because it’s huge. I remember when I used to wear Rowan’s shirts or hoodies. A small grin plays at my lips from the memory. His hoodies were so soft and engulfed me, falling to my mid-thigh. And they always smelled so good.
Oh damn, did they smell good. Rowan’s choice of cologne was always expensive, and I wonder if he still wears it or has a new scent now. I hope not because it would be tragic. I remember being sixteen and lying in bed, smelling the sleeves as I fell asleep because it made him feel that much closer to me when he couldn’t stay over.
I depended on him to fall asleep. He brought safety, his arms, his body, everything about him, and when he couldn’t spend the night, he’d always leave his hoodie behind because I told him one time I couldn’t sleep without him, and it worked like a charm.
I don’t know where that hoodie is now. I know I never gave it back, so it’s somewhere in my apartment up in New York. My hand goes to my chest, and my heart starts to ache, and tears start to brim my eyes again. The last two years have been easy living with the pain because I haven’t had to see him—out of sight, out of mind. It’s true. The feelings I’ve pushed aside have s
lammed into me, sending me into a frenzy of emotions. And now I have to actually deal with them.
I stare at myself in the mirror and move my hair over my shoulders, covering my breasts. He always liked my long hair.
Oh, I have an idea. I throw it up in a messy bun and rinse off in the shower real quick. I toss on a tank top and jeans and spray my perfume that I’ve worn since I was fifteen. I almost forget my purse, but I grab it on the way out. My feet echo down the steps, and when I get to the lobby I turn towards the kitchen where I hear Gray, Rowan, my mom, and Mr. Michaels talking.
“Good Morning, sleepyhead,” my mom kisses me on the cheek, and I snatch an apple from the bowl in the middle of the counter. I do what I can not to make eye contact with anyone because that means I’d get roped into a conversation, and that’s the last thing I want right now.
Mr. Michaels puts down his newspaper and stares up at me through his bifocals. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”
“Oh, I’m going to go get my hair cut,” I grin, biting into the crunchy apple.
Rowan chokes on his orange juice, and Gray slaps his back. “What do you mean you’re cutting it?” His eyes are watering from the cough, but he still manages to narrow his eyes into slits.
“Oh, you can’t cut your hair, darling. It’s too beautiful,” my mom laments, running her fingers through the long locks.
I know my hair is pretty. It is the one thing I’m confident about in myself. It’s a pretty honey brown color, long with natural waves. I’m lucky, but I’m done having long hair, and it may or may not have to do with Rowan.
“I just want something new.”
“I get it. You need a fresh look, chop off the past and charge forward to the future, right?” Gray says before sipping his coffee.
“Exactly.” I crunch into the apple again and moan as the juices burst across my tongue.
Rowan chokes again and wheezes out, “I’m fine. Really.” He cuts his eyes to me, and if I’m not mistaken, I see a twinkle of emotion. “You can’t cut your hair.”
A part of me wants to comply and make him happy, but I have to stick to my guns. He and I have no future. I can’t do things because of him anymore.
“It’s not up to you, Rowan,” I fire back, and I don’t miss the way his chest stops moving when his name leaves my lips. I haven’t addressed him by name since we got here, and I never planned on it. Old habits, I guess.
He pinches his lips closed, and I don’t miss the way Gray grins around the rim of his coffee. Oh, so he knows about us, great.
“Well, what are you thinking about doing?” Gray asks.
“It’s a surprise.” I wink cheekily with a tilt of my shoulder.
He purses his lips. “Oh, fun. I love surprises.” Gray tilts his shoulder too, mocking me.
I giggle from the feminine move, and I forget for a minute that I’m supposed to be angry and unhappy because I’m near Rowan. I slide my eyes to Rowan, and the usual hateful shine in his eyes is gone, replaced by a softened look. The same one that made my teenage heart flutter like a million butterflies.
But it’s gone as quick as it came, and I hide my pain. I give my attention back to Gray and smile. “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s just time for a change, you know. It’s time to chop off the past, like you said. It’s time for a new me.”
“What was wrong with the old you?” my mom asks, tilting her head, seeming a bit worried.
“Just some things I want to leave behind, that’s all. It’s time to move on.” I want to look at Rowan when I say it, but since I don’t really mean the words I say, I can’t. “Anyway, I need to go.” I grab another apple for the road, my coat from the hallway closet, and sprint out the door.
Once I shut the door behind me, I lean against it and push all the air out of my lungs. It freezes in the cold, still air. No wind to take it away, the miniscule frozen particles fall to the ground with slow, unhurried movements.
I push through the snow that fell in sheets throughout the night and make it to my car in the ornate garage. I’m so glad I don’t have to brush off tons of snow, it’s the worst. I stop walking, mid-step, and turn around after feeling someone staring at me. It’s intense, but it doesn’t alarm me. I’m not scared.
Looking up to Rowan’s room, I see him standing at the window. His shirt rides up when he leans against the frame, showing a little strip of his stomach. I stare at him as he stares at me, and I’m not sure what passes, but it feels like I’m dancing with the devil. I refuse to be the one that breaks first.
I can’t tell if he is challenging me or looking at me with earnest. I need to remember he isn’t the same Rowan that I fell in love with. We don’t know each other anymore, and we wouldn’t love each other today.
That’s what I need to start telling myself.
He smirks and nods, rubbing his hand over his thick scruff. Almost enough to be called a beard. I remember when he couldn’t grow a peach fuzz. He gives me his back and disappears from the window. The curtains fall back, swaying until they find their place. Was he actually there? Or was I staring at a ghost?
Snow starts falling again, and I tilt my head up, letting the snowflakes fall on my face. It’s refreshing, and it brings me back to reality, not locked in an unspoken war with Rowan.
After a few more minutes of standing in the cold, I get in my car and start driving to downtown Spokane. It really is a beautiful little town. Mountains surround every direction, and the trees are Douglas Firs, tall, large, never-ending, and powdered with the winter snow. The roads are abandoned, but as the light peeks through the snow that’s falling, the town is waking up.
Which is a relief because if it was closed, I’d have to go back to the house, and Rowan would see I didn’t cut it, and he would think he won.
I pull into a parking spot in front of the salon and make my way inside. Luckily, no one is here that I know, so I don’t have to spill my life story or catch anyone up.
“How can I help you?” a nice-looking woman with long, dark hair and olive skin greets me.
“Hi, I was hoping for a haircut.”
“Sure, follow me.” She grabs a cape and drapes it around me as I sit down. “What are we thinking? A trim? Such beautiful hair.” She runs her fingers through it in awe.
“No, I want to cut ten inches and donate it. I saw a sign out front that said you guys did that, that’s true, right?”
“Yes, it is. This is natural?”
“All natural,” I nod.
“Gosh, I feel like cutting this would be a crime.” She grabs her scissors and locks eyes with me in the mirror. “Last chance, doll.”
“Do it.”
She makes the first snip to the ponytail she gathered it in, and a few seconds later, my head is lighter. She holds up what used to be my hair, and I cup my mouth with my hands and start to laugh. My hair falls right above my shoulders now. I love it. My face looks brighter, and my eyes seem bigger. I know it isn’t possible, but my hair seems like it has natural highlights too. Maybe it’s because I’ve never cut it so short, and I’m looking at myself in a new way. No longer is the sad, broken girl who has only loved one man, staring back at me.
A new woman has emerged. One ready to blow caution to the wind.
“You must have really needed a change to cut this beautiful hair off.”
Oh, she had no idea how bad I needed this. Plus, I needed to get ready for my fake date, and what better way than to get a new haircut?
Chapter Five
Rowan
“Do you like it?”
I stare out over the view that Gray found and want to laugh. Of course, the Overlook is for sale. And of course, Gray fell in love with it. And then he asks if I like it?
A build up of laughter starts to shake my shoulders. Unreal. I can’t escape her even if I tried, and now he wants to build our headquarters on the land where I fucked the woman I love for the first time? The same place where she tore my heart out and stomped on it?
Damn it to hell, m
an. Everywhere I look, she is there. I can’t escape it.
“What’s so funny? This is prime real estate, Rowan. It won’t last long.”
My laughter finally slows. I look around and walk to the place my truck was parked two years ago. The view is still the same. All of Spokane is before me, nestled between the mountains. The sky goes on for miles, a bright, blue color, so different than the night and the stars this spot remembers.
Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I shake it off like all the other girls I have been with over the years? I’ve been with a lot of women to try and forget Everly, but it never worked. They were only a temporary solution to the real fix I needed.
“I know this spot is all. It’s where all the teenagers would come to make out,” but not Everly and me. We came here all the time, but it was just to hang out and be near each other. I wanted to kiss her so badly, every single time, but the loyalty to our friendship held me back. What if I kissed her sooner? What if we admitted our love to each other at an earlier age? Would we be together today?
“Oh, so this is where you and Everly, you know,” he clicks his tongue to signify having sex.
I sigh, “Yeah.”
“Well, I love you bro, but I don’t want to miss out on a great property over a girl.”
“No way, this place is amazing. We would be stupid not to take it. Let’s do it.” I bounce on my heels and smile, trying to look excited, which I am. I just might have my office on the opposite end of where I am standing.
“Really? Are you serious?”
“Yeah man, this is the best view in the entire town. Pretty sure all the teens are going to be pissed, having to find another place to get their freak on, but they’ll live.”
“Holy shit, we have a plot of land!” Gray whooped and pulled me in for a hug. “I can’t believe this, man. We did it. Out of a dorm room, nonetheless.”