Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  A young child’s brain is growing connections throughout the first years of life, and the interactions this infant has with the world around her are shaping the way she will grow and develop. Isn’t it wonderful that the things we instinctively long to do with babies—touch, tickle, smile, love—are the very things that nurture health and happiness?

  CHILDREN ABSORB THE ENERGY OF FEELINGS

  The nonverbal signals you send your child are far more powerful than your words. Young children are acutely sensitive to nonverbal communication. Infants “tune in” to human faces and actively seek connection with the adults around them. When Mom sits down to nurse feeling annoyed, tired, or cranky, her baby squirms, fusses, and won’t settle into nursing. A baby as young as a few weeks of age can sense the tension in her mother’s body, feel the rigid muscles in her arms, and hear the thumping of her heart as she lies close to her mom’s chest.

  Alicia enjoyed quiet mornings and afternoons with her three-week-old baby, Julian. Her husband was at work and their older children were in school. Julian slept much of the time. During his waking moments, after being fed and diapered, he seemed content to watch his mother move about the kitchen. Alicia was certain those brief smiles were not gas.

  Every day, however, around four o’clock in the afternoon, Julian would start to fuss. Holding and cuddling did not seem to comfort him. Could it be that the baby sensed the stress his mother was feeling about getting dinner on the table and taking care of the older children when they came home from school? This seemed to be a reasonable explanation, because the baby would calm down as soon as the busy evening had passed and Alicia was able to relax.

  CREATE A CALM ATMOSPHERE

  It is both wonderful and a bit unsettling to have an infant or very young child around the house. Because little ones are so directly attuned to the emotional states of their parents, it is helpful (if not always possible) when you are able to relax, stay calm, and find ways to build a loving, trusting connection with your child. Your family won’t suffer if you have simple dinners while adjusting to a new baby (and helping him adjust to you). A calm atmosphere is much more pleasant—and much healthier—for everyone. You can be more sensitive to your baby’s moods and needs when you slow down and take time to read the energy of all the members of your family.

  After a tiring day at work, Manka made her daily trek to the childcare center to pick up her infant son, Tahir. She hurriedly gathered up the baby and his various belongings, rushed through traffic, and, once home, settled Tahir into his high chair with a snack. Since she usually arrived home before her husband, she immediately set about fixing dinner. This was the worst hour of the day for mother and son. Tahir fussed, squirmed, and pushed his crackers onto the floor. Manka cut herself as she tried to slice the vegetables, spilled too much spice into the pan, and was thoroughly exhausted and frustrated by the time her husband walked through the door.

  Manka’s husband, Sundar, felt pretty miserable himself, coming home to a squalling baby, undercooked or overcooked meals, and a wife who spent the evening complaining. Watching her husband crush the crackers into the floor when he went over to hug Tahir didn’t help Manka’s mood.

  One evening, Sundar pushed aside his plate of soggy vegetables. He gazed across the table at his weary wife and began to discuss their miserable evening routine. An understanding smile on his face, he assured Manka that he would be glad to make sandwiches for both of them if he could come home to a more relaxed wife and child.

  Manka felt relieved. She admitted that she felt overwhelmed preparing the elaborate meals they had both enjoyed before Tahir’s birth. The next evening, when Manka entered the house with Tahir in tow, she put down all of the bags, papers, and toys she had carried in with her. She gave Tahir a big hug and snuggled with him in the rocking chair, where they spent the next half hour playing tickling games, cooing and smiling at each other. When Sundar walked through the door, he found Tahir giggling as Manka nibbled his toes. Tahir shrieked with laughter as his dad joined in the fun. A short while later, a relaxed family enjoyed toasted cheese sandwiches washed down with hot cups of canned soup. Food hadn’t tasted this good in far too long.

  Tahir and Manka needed time to reconnect each day far more than anyone in the family needed gourmet cooking. By slowing down and allowing time to make the transition from the hectic daily routine to their family time at home, Manka was able to tune in to Tahir’s needs—and her husband was able to share the evening’s tasks. The entire family thrived as the energy in their home improved.

  TANTRUMS: EMOTIONAL MELTDOWNS

  Everyone has feelings. In fact, researchers tell us that emotion (not logic or reason) is the energy that runs the human brain. Still, emotions are not mysterious forces that take over and cause difficult or embarrassing behavior. Emotions are simply information, and are intended to help each of us make decisions about what we need to do to stay healthy and safe. There’s no denying, however, that strong emotions can be challenging. Like it or not, all young children have tantrums from time to time. Understanding why tantrums happen—and how to deal with them—can help you remain calm and composed in the midst of even the most severe emotional storm.

  Nicholas’s family walked through the shopping mall together. Two-year-old Nicholas was holding the last bite of his cookie in one hand and a new box of crayons in the other when he spied a display of stuffed Easter bunnies in a store window. He darted off, pointing to the display and dropping the crayons in his haste. Mom and Dad followed him to the store window, retrieving the spilled crayons. They admired the bunnies together. Not surprisingly, Nicholas wanted one. “Nicky’s bunny!” he said, pointing to a particularly jolly blue specimen. His parents agreed that the bunnies looked lovely and suggested that perhaps another day he might get one.

  Nicholas wasn’t satisfied with this answer. He fell to the floor, a writhing mass of pumping legs and pounding fists, wailing with a noisy sincerity that would impress any passing Hollywood producers. Mom glanced around in embarrassment while her husband stood over young Nick, telling him to get up right now! Nick landed a random kick on Dad’s knee. Dad’s voice got louder than Nick’s. Mom, meanwhile, wished she had a bag to put over her head. Surely, everyone was watching and thinking what horrible parents they were.

  In fact, Nick’s parents aren’t horrible at all—and neither is Nick. They were sailing along pretty smoothly until the bunnies intervened. Nick’s parents tried to respond to him in ways that did not invite a power struggle; they had given him one special treat already and they responded to his demands calmly. So why did Nick throw a tantrum? Is he a spoiled brat? Does he “just need a good spanking”? No. The most likely answer is that Nick threw a tantrum “just because”—he wants what he wants and he wants it now. He has no understanding of concepts like reasonable, practical, or delayed gratification.

  Tantrums are loud, highly visible, and embarrassing (at least to adults). They are also quite normal. Young children have all the feelings adults do. They feel sad, excited, and frustrated, but they lack both the words for those feelings and the skills (and impulse control) to cope with them. In fact, the part of the brain that is responsible for emotional regulation and self-calming (the prefrontal cortex) is not completely mature until a person is twenty to twenty-five years old. If you think about how hard it can be to control your own feelings, you shouldn’t be surprised that your toddler will rarely be successful at it.

  Once adults understand why children’s overloaded senses sometimes flash into tantrums, they can quit feeling responsible for them. Sometimes, no matter what you say or do, your child will get overwhelmed and throw a tantrum. Adults can learn not to add to the chaos. Remember those mirror neurons? It is unfortunate (but all too human) that Nick’s dad got into the act by throwing a tantrum of his own. Nick’s tantrum will pass quickly but it may take his parents—now carrying their howling son to the car—longer to recover their equilibrium.

  GIVING IN IS NOT THE ANSWER

 
You may be wondering, “Okay, then what am I supposed to do when confronted with a temper tantrum—especially in public?” Giving in may stop the tantrum for the moment, but it has some negative long-term effects.

  What do you think your child is learning and deciding when he has a tantrum and you give in? Our guess is that he has just learned a negative life skill: do whatever it takes to get your way. He may be deciding, “I’m loved when I get what I want—and I know how to get people to give me what I want.” Children repeat what “works.”

  Instead, follow the advice of Rudolf Dreikurs, one of the earliest parenting teachers. Dreikurs advised parents to “shut your mouth and act,” remembering that what you do isn’t as important as the attitude behind what you do. You might pick up your screaming child and carry him to the car. Do this with a calm, kind, and firm manner—which may require several deep breaths to calm yourself down first. Allow him to have his feelings; in fact, you can even empathize with him, and label those feelings so he begins to understand them. “You’re really disappointed that we didn’t buy the blue bunny.”

  There are three reasons to avoid lectures:

  1. He can’t “think” when his brain is flooded with emotions.

  2. Words are often like throwing fuel on the flames.

  3. Silence prevents a second meltdown—yours!

  When he does calm down enough to be able to hear your words, avoid scolding. Breathe with him. Give him time to reboot his brain. Validate his feelings. In time, he can learn to soothe his own difficult emotions.

  The Brain in the Palm of the Hand

  Dr. Daniel Siegel has a simple and creative way of explaining what happens in your brain when you get upset, and why calming down is the first important step to solving a problem with your little one. You can see a video online of Dr. Siegel explaining “the brain in the palm of the hand” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk). It is well worth the two minutes it takes to watch.

  THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CALMING

  Brain researchers tell us that when we “lose it” (and all parents do from time to time), the prefrontal cortex effectively “disconnects,” leaving us with input from only the parts of the brain responsible for emotion and physical sensation. And because all humans have mirror neurons, anger and tantrums are contagious. None of us does his or her best work when angry.

  The first step in dealing with a tantrum (either your own or your child’s) is to calm down. Breathe deeply and count to ten. Researchers tell us that focused, calm breathing helps the brain “integrate”—that is, the brain reconnects and the ability to think clearly and look for real solutions is restored. Once you have taken time to cool off, help your child do the same. And he does need your help: Emotional regulation is a skill that will take him years to master.

  HELPING YOUR CHILD CALM DOWN

  Young children lack the ability to recognize and manage their emotions, and punishing them for this inability isn’t fair or helpful. If your child is three years old or a little older, you may be able to use positive time-out (which you learned about in Chapter 5) as one way to teach her to calm down when she is angry or unhappy.

  Focus on soothing a child younger than three before dealing with problems. Gentle touch, rhythmic breathing, or soft music may help her regain control. It is also okay to simply allow her to have her feelings until they dissipate, without trying to change them or fix them. If you are calm enough, sit nearby and send out loving energy without interfering. Remember, the goal is to help her calm down, not to punish her or make her “think about what she did.”

  Baby-Sized Overload

  Marjorie and Karen’s attempts to soothe their youngest daughter with walking, singing, and stroking only made her cry harder. When they finally put her down, she seemed relieved. She would cry a minute or two, then relax and fall asleep. Their well-meaning stimulation actually prolonged her distress; what she really needed was time alone.

  Remember, crying is communication for infants, not misbehavior. Each parent must learn to interpret the message her child is sending. Crying does not always mean the same thing; it is not reinforcing negative behavior to respond to a baby’s cries. Sometimes the appropriate response is to let a child release tension by crying. Eventually, parents will learn what the crying means—and that may depend on the overall atmosphere and sense of belonging a child experiences.

  Be sure your child is safe and healthy, then decide what (if any) action is called for. Little ones will learn to manage their emotions more quickly when they are given time to practice in a safe, responsive environment.

  WHAT ABOUT HEAD BANGING?

  Q: I have three girls, ages five, three, and two. I am wondering how I can stop my two-year-old from having temper tantrums or hurting herself. I’ve already tried ignoring the tantrums. If she doesn’t get what she wants, she falls to the floor and begins to bang her head, sometimes very hard. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

  A: Tantrums, head banging, holding one’s breath—all are very common in young children who aren’t getting their way. All are very upsetting to concerned parents. Sometimes these behaviors are the means by which a child vents her frustration. Your two-year-old may also have discovered that these behaviors “work”—in other words, they get her something she believes she needs: the object of her demands, or your attention and involvement. Two-year-olds are developing autonomy and want the right to make their own choices—even when they lack the skills to do so appropriately.

  If you’re worried that your daughter may bruise herself by banging her head on something hard, pick her up and, without saying anything, move her to a softer spot (the carpet, her bed, a pillow). You might try saying, “I’d like to work on this with you, but we can’t talk when you’re so upset.” (Even if she doesn’t understand all the words, your calm tone of voice will communicate with her.) Then let her know you are available when she’s calmed down. Make sure she’s in a safe place, and take some deep breaths to calm yourself. It will take time, but if you’re kind and firm, she’ll get the message that you can’t be manipulated by tantrums, tears, and threats.

  Weathering the Storm: What to Do During a Tantrum

  What can parents and caregivers do to help a child through a tantrum? Here are some suggestions:

  • Calm yourself down first. Example is the best teacher, and you will respond to your child’s intense emotions more effectively when you are calm. Take a moment to breathe deeply. Once your child is safe, walk away for a few seconds to gather your own resources. Do whatever it takes for you to remain kind and firm.

  • Provide safety and damage control. While tantrums may be part of living with young children, damage and injury need not be. It may be wise to move a child to a safer location or, if you are in a public place, to a more private corner. Without yelling or lecturing, calmly move out of your child’s reach any objects that may be thrown or damaged.

  • Resist trying to “fix” a tantrum or coax a child with rewards. Offering to give a child a disputed item teaches him that tantrums are a good tool for getting his way. Remember that tantrums are normal but giving in to demands will only earn you more tantrums. Remain kind, calm, and firm, and let the storm blow over.

  • Avoid getting hooked by your child’s behavior. Tantrums are rarely as personal as they seem. Remember that your child is not being malicious or “bad,” and lacks the ability to fully control his emotions.

  ACTIVE LISTENING: GIVING NAMES TO FEELINGS

  Children constantly send nonverbal messages. Their facial expressions, gestures, and behavior provide clues to perceptive adults about what they are feeling. An eighteen-month-old child cannot tell you, “I’m feeling tired, confused, and frustrated that I can’t reach the cookie jar.” He doesn’t have the words to express such a complicated sequence of thoughts and feelings. What you might hear are wails and shrieks accompanied by a toy thrown to the ground, a crumpled-up face, and a small body collapsing on the floor.

  Surviving the Storm: What to D
o After a Tantrum

  After a tantrum, try the following:

  • Allow emotions to settle. Give your child a quiet moment to cool down and catch his breath. Talk quietly about what happened and reassure your child that while his behavior may have been inappropriate, you love him very much.

  • Reconnect. Children may need a hug after such a powerful emotional storm. Tears and sniffles often follow tantrums as the child clears out the overload of emotions. A wordless, comforting hug may help both of you feel better.

  • Help your child make amends. When everyone has calmed down, any damage should be addressed. Thrown items can be picked up, torn papers gathered and discarded, or pillows stacked back on the bed or sofa. Adults may offer to help a child with these tasks. It may also be appropriate to help your child repair additional damage, such as a broken toy. Recognize your child’s abilities and development and don’t expect things she can’t do, but allowing her to squeeze some glue, run the Dustbuster, or put tape on a torn book may help her feel a sense of self-control again and give her a very real way to learn about making things right.