by Anna Stone
Lindsey took the hint. “No. Thanks, June.”
June nodded and began clearing the table. Lindsey got up and headed back to her room. It was safe to say that her and Camilla’s plan to watch a movie together was canceled.
Lindsey sighed. Things had gone from wonderful to confusing in the space of a few days. She thought about calling Faith to talk. Although they had spoken yesterday, Lindsey hadn’t told Faith that she’d had sex with Camilla. She didn’t think Faith would understand why Lindsey felt so uneasy about it. Faith’s Zen attitude to life never helped when Lindsey was worried about something. And these days, all she did was worry.
Lindsey stopped at the bottom of the stairs. She would have to find some way to entertain herself for the rest of the night. She decided to check out the home theater by herself. A movie night was just what she needed.
All she had to do was find the theater. Lindsey knew it was on the second floor somewhere. She could ask June, but Lindsey didn’t like bothering her over small things. She still wasn’t used to having ‘help,’ which was what Camilla called the mostly invisible staff who ran the house.
Lindsey headed upstairs and began to wander, opening doors at random. She found the library, and the gym, but no theater. She was sure it was nearby, but everything looked different at night.
Lindsey continued down the hall. Soon, she found herself facing a set of white double doors.
The doors to Camilla’s rooms.
Lindsey stopped before them. Camilla had made it clear that Lindsey wasn’t allowed past this point without her express permission. But Lindsey was tired of being kept in the dark. And she was worried. Camilla had seemed off at breakfast in the morning. What if something was wrong?
Tentatively, Lindsey pulled one of the doors open and peeked past them into the hall. It was empty. She glanced over her shoulder. No one else was around. She slipped through the door and closed it behind her.
Lindsey started down the hall. What was she doing in here, anyway? Was she going to knock on Camilla’s door and try to talk to her? Spy on her just to make sure she was in one piece? Burst in and demand to know what was going on?
Lindsey rounded a corner. When she reached the door to the playroom, she paused in front of it. All kinds of naughty thoughts about the other night filled her mind. As she stood there silently, she heard voices coming from the end of the hall.
Raised voices.
Before Lindsey knew what she was doing, she was walking toward the voices. As she got closer, they became clearer.
“I pay you to look after the house, not to nag me.” Camilla. Her voice was shrill. “I should replace you with someone who actually follows my orders.”
What the hell? Lindsey stopped at the door to the room the voices were coming from. It was open, just a crack, but Lindsey couldn’t see through it. She listened instead.
“We both know you’re not going to do that, Camilla.” June? It was June’s voice, but it had a firmer, less deferential tone. And Lindsey had never heard June address Camilla by anything other than ‘Ma’am.’
“Will you just leave me alone?” Camilla said.
“Sure, I’ll leave you alone. Right after you eat something.”
“Do I look like I want to eat anything?”
“There’s no better time than now,” June said. “Those painkillers should have kicked in.”
“Well, they aren’t doing shit.”
“I’m sorry, Camilla. But you still need to eat. You haven’t eaten anything all day.”
Camilla let out a groan that made Lindsey’s stomach lurch.
Against her better judgment, Lindsey pushed the door open even more, just enough so that she could see inside. The large room was dark, lit by a single lamp next to Camilla’s bed at the far side of the room. Lindsey could only just make out Camilla’s figure on the bed, curled up in a ball, the sheets twisted around her. Her hair clung to her forehead, and her cheeks were pale.
“Come on, Camilla.” June was seated in an armchair by the bed, her arms crossed. A covered silver serving tray sat on the nightstand next to her. “You’ve been running yourself into the ground lately. You can’t afford to not look after yourself. You know that just makes things worse.”
Camilla uttered a curse which Lindsey was shocked to hear come out of her mouth. “Fine. If it’ll get you off my case.”
“Good.” June picked up the tray from the nightstand. “And will you be getting out of bed, Ma’am?”
“I’ll sit at the table,” Camilla said through gritted teeth. “I hope you’re happy.”
“In a few days, you’ll be happy that you got out of bed. The last thing either of us needs is you stomping around the house, angry that you let yourself lie around doing nothing.”
“I hate that you’re right,” Camilla grumbled.
“I’d be pretty bad at my job if I hadn’t figured out what you’re like after all these years.” June got up and turned toward the table at the other side of the room.
The table that was right between the bed and the door.
Shit. Before Lindsey could act, June spotted her and froze.
Camilla turned toward where June was looking. “What-” Her eyes locked onto Lindsey’s, and her face clouded over.
Lindsey’s every instinct told her to shut the door and get out of there as quickly as possible. But Camilla’s eyes held her there. And even from this distance, Lindsey could see every emotion boiling within them. Surprise. Disappointment. Anger. Betrayal.
Lindsey’s heart sank. She had messed up. She had seen something Camilla didn’t want her to see. But Lindsey’s concern outweighed her guilt. Camilla could yell and scream at her all she wanted. She just needed to know that Camilla was okay.
But Lindsey didn’t get the chance to ask. Her eyes still on Lindsey’s, Camilla spoke, her cold voice cutting through the air.
“Close the door, June.”
“Yes, Ma’am.” The housekeeper walked over to the door and shut it in Lindsey’s face.
Chapter Ten
“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Lindsey asked.
June began clearing dinner from the table, stacking the dishes on the dining cart next to her. “We’ve been through this. All you need to know is that she’s okay.”
It had been two days since Lindsey had witnessed the scene in Camilla’s room. Two days, and she still hadn’t seen Camilla. Lindsey had asked June about her a dozen times, but the housekeeper remained tight-lipped. Even more infuriatingly, June continued to act like nothing had happened at all.
“She didn’t look okay.” Lindsey’s mind went back to that night. She’d gone over it again and again in her head. From what Lindsey had overheard, it sounded like it was something that happened a lot. Was Camilla sick? Was there something seriously wrong with her? Was she dying? Naturally, her mind went to the worst possible explanations. “If she’s okay, why is she still locked up in her rooms?”
“She’s not locked up,” June said. “She has everything she needs.”
“Can’t you just tell me what’s wrong with her?” Lindsey’s voice shook. “Please, June.”
June stopped what she was doing. “Look, it’s not my place to say. Camilla doesn’t like to talk about it.”
“Camilla can speak for herself.”
Lindsey and June turned to the doorway where Camilla stood. She was dressed in a pale pink satin robe, her brown hair hanging loose. She looked a lot better than the other night, but she seemed drained, and her lips were pressed in a thin line.
“Good evening, Ma’am,” June said, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. “Would you like some dinner?”
“Later,” Camilla replied. “I need to have a word with Lindsey.”
Oh. Lindsey had been so worried about Camilla that she hadn’t given much thought to the fact that she’d gone into Camilla’s rooms when Camilla had expressly forbidden it.
And Camilla looked furious.
“I’ll get out of your hair.�
� June grabbed the cart of dishes and practically sprinted out of the room.
Camilla strode to the head of the table and sat down. “Lindsey.” She clasped her hands in front of her. “We need to talk about the other night.”
Lindsey’s stomach stirred. Camilla’s face was hard and cold. Just how mad was she? Would she throw Lindsey out? End their arrangement? Lindsey didn’t care at that point. She just wanted to know that Camilla was all right.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” Camilla said.
“What do you mean?” Lindsey asked. “I just want to know what’s going on. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I have a chronic medical condition called endometriosis.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s what happens when the tissue that lines the uterus starts growing in other places in the body,” Camilla said. “Places where it shouldn’t grow.”
Lindsey frowned. That sounded horrifying.
“It’s relatively benign. But it causes some problems with inflammation and pain, as well as a laundry list of other symptoms. If you want the grisly details, you can look it up.”
“Is it going to kill you?” Lindsey asked.
“What? No, not at all.” Camilla paused. “You were that worried?”
“Of course I was! You just disappeared without a word, for the second time, and then I saw you curled up in bed in too much pain to eat, talking about taking painkillers and yelling at June to leave you alone! What was I supposed to think?”
Camilla’s expression softened. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I would have spoken to you sooner if I knew you were so concerned. I assure you, I have a long and full life ahead of me, okay?”
Lindsey nodded.
“Now, is there anything else?”
“No.” Lindsey had a million other questions, but it was clear that Camilla didn’t want to discuss this any further.
“That’s not all I wanted to speak to you about,” Camilla said. “You came into my rooms without my permission. You invaded my privacy. You broke one of my rules.”
“I’m sorry.” Lindsey looked down at the table. “I was just worried about you.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that my rooms are off limits. You agreed to the rules when you came here. And you agreed that if you broke them, you would be punished.”
Crap. Lindsey had forgotten all about that part of their agreement.
“I want five hundred lines. ‘I will not go into my Mistress’s rooms without her permission.’ Five hundred lines, neat and legible.”
“Yes, Mistress,” Lindsey replied.
“I’ll check on your progress tomorrow night.” With that, Camilla got up and marched out of the room.
Lindsey put down her pen and flexed her fingers. She’d spent most of the day at the desk in her sitting room, writing “I will not go into my Mistress’s rooms without her permission” over and over again, and she had barely made any progress.
She let out a groan of frustration. At this rate, it would take her days! Lindsey had chosen writing lines as a punishment because she thought it would be easier than the other options, but she hadn’t anticipated the number of lines Camilla would make her write.
And real punishment was nowhere near as fun as the ‘discipline’ Camilla had doled out in the playroom that night.
Lindsey began again. I will not go into my Mistress’s rooms…
She sighed. After she learned that Camilla was not, in fact, dying, she began to feel the weight of what she’d done. Lindsey hadn’t just disobeyed Camilla’s orders. She’d violated Camilla’s privacy in a big way, and she’d seen Camilla at her most vulnerable. It was obvious that Camilla didn’t like being vulnerable.
There was a knock on the door to Lindsey’s sitting room. Was it Camilla, come to check on her? She got up and opened the door.
“Oh. I mean, hi June.”
“I brought you some dinner.” June held up a tray. “You didn’t come down, so I thought you might be hungry.”
“Thanks.” Lindsey had been so busy writing lines that she’d lost track of time. Besides, her overwhelming guilt had caused her to lose her appetite.
“I’ll set it up for you over there.” June headed to the table by the window and set the tray down. She removed the lid and laid everything out. “Do you need anything else?”
“No.” Lindsey paused. “Did Camilla go down for dinner?”
“No. She’s still not feeling well.”
“Oh.”
“Are you all right?” June asked.
“I’m fine.” But Lindsey couldn’t keep her voice from quavering. “Thanks for bringing dinner.”
June hovered by the table. “Lindsey, Camilla isn’t angry with you.”
“She seemed pretty angry to me,” Lindsey said.
“Well, yes, she’s angry with you. But she’s mostly angry that she didn’t get to choose how you found out about her illness.”
“Did she say that?” Lindsey asked.
“No,” June replied. “But I’ve known her for so long that it isn’t hard for me to tell what’s going on in her head.” She patted Lindsey on the shoulder. “I’ll come back for everything in an hour.”
As June left the room, Lindsey noted to herself that for a woman who ‘sees and hears nothing,’ June sure knew a lot about what was going on between Lindsey and Camilla. But Lindsey was grateful. She was beginning to think she’d need an instruction manual to understand Camilla. And after the scene she’d witnessed, it was clear that June and Camilla were closer than they seemed.
As Lindsey ate her dinner, she thought on June’s words. Maybe this punishment wasn’t just because Lindsey had broken Camilla’s rules. But it wasn’t because she was mad at Lindsey either. Maybe it was Camilla’s way of taking back control the way Lindsey had taken control away from Camilla.
A short while later, June returned to collect Lindsey’s tray. When she was done clearing the table, June announced that Camilla wanted to see her.
“She’s in her bedroom,” June said. “Do you remember the way, or do you want me to take you?”
“I remember.” Lindsey hesitated. “She said I should go to her room?”
June’s lips curled up at one side. “I see you’ve learned your lesson. Yes, Camilla gave you her express permission to go to her room. She also said to ‘bring your lines.’ I’m assuming that means something to you.”
Lindsey nodded. So there were things that June didn’t know about her and Camilla’s relationship after all. Lindsey liked that she and Camilla still had their secrets.
“I recommend you don’t keep her waiting,” June said.
“Right. Thanks.”
Once June had left the room, Lindsey grabbed her notepad and made her way to Camilla’s wing. She was nowhere near finished with her lines yet, but at least she could show Camilla her progress.
Lindsey went through the white double doors and continued past the playroom until she reached Camilla’s bedroom. She knocked on the door and waited.
“Come in,” Camilla said.
Lindsey opened the door. The room looked a lot brighter than last time she’d seen it. Camilla was sitting up in bed, her legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. She had a book face down on her lap. Although she didn’t seem to be back to her normal self, she looked a lot better than the night before. But she still wore that same cold expression.
Camilla pointed to the bed next to her. “Come. Sit.”
Lindsey sat down. “I’m sorry. I haven’t finished my lines yet.”
“It’s all right.” Camilla took the notepad from Lindsey’s hand and placed it on the other side of the bed. “This isn’t about the lines. I wanted to talk to you about everything that’s happened.”
“I’m sorry,” Lindsey said again. “I know I shouldn’t have gone into your rooms without permission, and I know I shouldn’t have spied on you.” Her lip quivered. “I’m sorry for forcing you to tell me about something you didn’t want me to
know about.”
“Lindsey, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you. What I wanted was to tell you on my terms. You found out in the worst way. And you saw me on one of my worst days in a long time. I wasn’t ready to tell you. Not yet.”
“You could have told me,” Lindsey said. “I would have understood.”
“It’s always hard to know how someone will react. Most people react badly.”
“How do you mean?”
“Where do I begin?” Camilla said. “There are the people who dismiss what I go through as ‘lady problems,’ or don’t understand how debilitating it can be. They see me walking around and living life like everyone else, so they don’t believe there is anything really wrong, and they think I’m just being lazy when I can’t do things because I’m ill. It’s the curse of an invisible illness.”
“I would never think anything like that,” Lindsey said.
“I wasn’t afraid you would. Although it’s frustrating, I can deal with people like that. What’s worse is when people pity me.” Camilla’s eyes focused on something in the distance. “I don’t want pity. I don’t want to be told that it’s amazing that I’m still able to live my life despite everything. Sure, it’s hard sometimes. But that’s just how it is for me. We all have to play the hand we’ve been dealt.” Camilla gave Lindsey a half smile. “And I have to say, apart from my illness, I’ve been dealt a very good one.”
Camilla’s voice grew fainter. “I don’t want you to treat me any differently. I don’t want anything to change between us. And most of all, I don’t want this to change the way you see me.”
“Camilla.” Lindsey placed her hand on Camilla's arm. “This isn’t going to change the way I see you. There’s nothing that could make me see you as anything other than the strong, funny, beautiful woman you are. And I promise you. Nothing is going to change between us.”
Camilla leaned over and kissed Lindsey on the forehead. “Consider your punishment over.”
“Really? But I’m nowhere near finished.”
“I’m feeling generous. No more lines. But there’s something else I need you to do.”