Attack of the BULLIES

by Michael Buckley

  “Don’t I wish!” Flinch cried.

  “Pufferfish, you’re the heir to a squirtable-cheese empire.”

  “Huh?”

  “Your mission is to protect Tessa Lipton,” the principal said, ignoring Ruby’s confused expression. “Oh, and keep your upgrades off-line.”

  “What? No powers?” Matilda cried.

  “Not unless you want one of those government workers to go back to the office and tell their bosses that a bunch of kids with superpowers helped keep the president’s daughter safe.”

  Once inside, Ruby marveled at the floors, which were waxed to a mirror shine. Photographs of famous Sugarland Academy alumni decorated the walls, many of whom Ruby recognized from the world of politics. Two of them were former presidents. But it was the students who truly impressed her. They walked to their classes in single-file lines, spoke in hushed tones, and behaved like grown-ups. Not one of them had drawn a mustache or a goatee on any of the portraits. There was no goofing off, no pulling pranks, and no shoving people into lockers. Ruby felt like Dorothy Gale, swept away by a twister and dropped into a magical world, except, unlike Dorothy, Ruby didn’t want to go home.

  She couldn’t help but feel that this was where she was supposed to be. Sure, she loved her friends, but sometimes she wondered if being a spy was really all it was cracked up to be. Her life was so chaotic, every day a new disaster. Even when they did beat the bad guys, ten more popped up to take their place. Plus, she was missing a lot of classes in order to save the world, and she worried about the long-term effects of going to school without really going to school. Once she turned sixteen, the team would cut her loose to fend for herself, but if she went to this school, the bastion of intellect and planning, she would be prepared for a life of power and prestige. Maybe she should transfer. Sure, she would have to give up her upgrades, but she’d get to go to a school that taught a class on “the art of sitting still”! She wasn’t sure if a person could have a school for a soul mate, but she was certain she was falling in love with Sugarland Academy.

  The principal escorted them to the main office, where they met Ms. Turnston, the school secretary. Turnston was a bony woman who couldn’t have weighed more than the paperweight on her desk. Her serious, tight-faced expression seemed to suggest that laughter was something that should be eliminated for the safety of others. Oddly enough, Ruby found the woman’s lack of humor comforting. It was nice to be around people who took life seriously.

  “Are these the five new students I was informed would be arriving today?” Ms. Turnston asked sourly.

  The principal leaned in close. “Yes, and I hope you’ll use your discretion. These children have very important families.”

  The secretary’s frown deepened. “Sugarland’s student body is made up of the upper echelon of the elite of Washington, D.C.,” she snapped. “Discretion is this school’s top priority.”

  Her sermon made the principal take a step back. “Very good,” he said, nodding.

  The NERDS were required to read and sign several codes of conduct. One strictly prohibited silliness, and another threatened expulsion for “the passing of gas, the picking of boogers, or the digging for earwax.” Ruby saw her friends bristle at all the rules, but she secretly loved them, especially the pamphlet on the proper steps for asking a question.

  The principal and the children took a brief tour of the grounds, including the school’s greenhouse, film production studio, art museum, and rock climbing wall, then Ms. Turnston gave them their class schedules and a farewell scowl. “I trust you can find your way from here, and, please, stay off the grass. It’s imported from Iceland.”

  “Wow, even the grass is fancy,” Jackson said.

  “Remember, no upgrades,” the principal said after wishing them luck. “Don’t let Tessa out of your sight, and stay in touch.”

  He slipped away, leaving the children alone.

  “We should probably not hang out together,” Ruby told the others. “People will notice that the five new kids are suddenly best friends.”

  Matilda nodded. “Makes sense.”

  “I’ll keep an eye on the cafeteria. I hear they have a pastry chef on staff!” Flinch said, licking his lips.

  “And I’ve got the outside of the school covered,” Duncan said, removing a remote control from his backpack. He flipped a switch and a dozen floating pods materialized in the air. “I brought the Hovercraft Robotic Surveillance L-114a’s.”

  “Um, the what?” Jackson said.

  “Don’t you guys have any interest in the gadgets our science team creates for us?” Duncan said, sighing. “These are floating cameras with a space-age camouflage mode that makes them invisible to the naked eye. They’re whisper-quiet, too.”

  He pushed a button and the machines vanished as quickly as they appeared.

  “I have them positioned all over the campus,” Duncan continued. “If Ms. Holiday shows up, we’ll see her coming a mile away.”

  “Smart thinking, Gluestick,” Ruby said. “All right, let’s keep our real eyes on Tessa, and remember, she’s a person surrounded by dignitaries and royalty. If you must talk to her—and I highly recommend that you don’t—but if you do, try not to act like morons and idiots.”

  Her teammates stared back at her, offended. Then they scowled and walked away, leaving Ruby all alone.

  “Not that you act like morons and idiots … all the time. Just some of the time!” she called after them.

  Ruby stalked Tessa Lipton. She followed her down hallways and into bathrooms, and hovered while Tessa drank from the water fountain. It wasn’t long before Ruby had a pretty clear picture of who the first daughter was: the queen of Sugarland Academy. Tessa held every student in the palm of her hand. Kids raced to get her lunch. They rubbed her tired feet. They carried her books to class. One even offered to chew her food. At first Ruby chalked up Tessa’s popularity to her being the daughter of the most famous person in the United States, but when she was told the son of the country’s most famous actor and the daughter of the world’s biggest-selling hip-hop artist also went to Sugarland, she realized that was too simple of an explanation.

  There had to be another reason, and Ruby was determined to discover it. She decided to do recon at lunch, so she invited herself to eat with a trio of girls whose table had the best view of Tessa’s “permanent” seat. Their names were Deonne, Charlotte, and Mary Alice, and as luck would have it they were the best of friends, notorious gossips, and overly impressed by wealth and fame.

  “You’re the daughter of Harvey Pickens—the squirtable-cheese billionaire? Wow! You are so lucky. At my house, our servants are forced to slice the cheese by hand!” Deonne said. She was as thin as a flagpole, with a set of braces that even Jackson would find unsettling.

  “My father says it is unbecoming to feel sympathy for the help,” Charlotte whispered. She wore sunglasses and said everything in a hushed tone.

  “Oh, Charlotte. We’re not barbarians,” Mary Alice said. She had long, luxurious red hair and more freckles on her face than there were stars in the sky. “If cheese can be squirted, the servants are wasting valuable time best spent running our baths and attending to our ponies.”

  “I guess you are right,” Charlotte said.

  “So, I hear the president’s daughter goes here,” Ruby said.

  “Oh, yes,” Deonne replied. “Tessa. Quite a lovely girl.”

  “Lovely,” Charlotte peeped.

  “A true gem,” Mary Alice added.

  Ruby was suddenly envious. “So you’re friends with her?”

  “Oh, no,” Mary Alice said. “She’s horrible.”

  “Horrid, really,” Deonne agreed.

  “Foul,” Charlotte said, then looked around to make sure she was not heard.

  “I’m confused,” Ruby said. “I thought you said she was lovely.”

  “To look at,” Charlotte whispered. “But her personality is awful.”

  “She’s mean! And rude!” Mary Alice added.


  “She’s what my yacht captain would call ‘insufferable,’” Deonne said. “But you didn’t hear that from us.”

  “She has a lot of power at this school,” Mary Alice said.

  “You don’t want to cross her. Last year she was so mean, a girl fled the country and sought asylum in Iraq,” Charlotte whispered.

  When Ruby ran into Flinch in the hallway, his face was covered in blueberry pie.

  “THIS SCHOOL HAS A BAKERY!” he shouted, barely able to control his shaking body.

  “I told you it was a special place,” she said. “But you need to stop eating sweets. You’re going to freak out, and besides, you have pie all over you.”

  “I didn’t eat this pie. Tessa Lipton shoved my face in it. She’s vicious. She stomped on my lunch. Twenty-five oatmeal cream cookies died an early death because of her. What am I supposed to eat for my fifth desert today? I didn’t bring a backup treat!”

  “I’m sorry about your cookies. Just keep your distance. Be subtle.”

  Flinch beat on his chest and bellowed. “I am the KING OF SUBTLETY!”

  Later, Jackson was waiting for Ruby after her class on the History of Quiet Amusements. They found seats in the back of the library and spoke in whispers.

  “If Ms. Holiday needed an inside man to help her kidnap Tessa, she wouldn’t lack for volunteers. All the students hate her guts,” he said. “Most of the teachers, too. Apparently, little Ms. Lipton runs this place like a dictator, only with a lot less mercy. The last principal quit because Tessa kept sending her mean texts.”

  “I know, Flinch told me,” Ruby said gloomily.

  “You’re disappointed with her?”

  “No, I’m disappointed with the school. I thought it was different.”

  “Sorry, Puff. Every school has a bully, even a school with a space shuttle and a hospital attached to it. You don’t belong here, anyway.”

  Ruby blushed. It was as if Jackson had read her dreamy thoughts about being a Sugarland griffin.

  “Everyone here is too bossy,” he continued. “Who would you tell what to do?”

  Pufferfish growled, but Jackson just laughed. “Do you think that maybe we’ve got this one wrong?” he asked. “Kidnapping isn’t Ms. Holiday’s style. Most of her stunts are giant robots and mutant bunnies.”

  “I don’t think we know anything about her anymore. When she clobbered Agent Brand and tried to kill Flinch, I chalked it up to her being infected by the villain virus. But when we destroyed the corrupted nanobytes, she was still evil and crazy. She’s obsessed with taking over the world, and kidnapping the president’s daughter is probably a good way to do it. President Lipton would hand over anything to save his kid.”

  Jackson sighed. “Ms. Holiday was the coolest adult I knew. I’m sure you guys would have kicked me off the team if not for her.”

  “We did kick you off the team,” Ruby reminded him.

  “Yes, but luckily I am charming and friendly and a valuable asset,” Jackson replied.

  Just then, Matilda stormed in, receiving a big shush from the librarian. Wheezer ignored her and approached her teammates.

  “The president’s daughter called me a pigface,” she said. “I’m going to kill her and before you tell me no, let me remind you that our mission is to keep her from being kidnapped. Technically, we succeed if she’s dead.”

  “You can’t kill her,” Ruby said.

  “What if I put her in the hospital? Nothing serious—just a broken face.”

  All three agents sneezed simultaneously. Gluestick was on the com-link. “If Tessa gets kidnapped, how bad would it be if we didn’t try to rescue her?”

  “You had a run-in with her, too?” Ruby asked.

  “Yes, and so did my underpants. I’m going to be pulling them out of my behind until I’m old and gray. Her forearms have monkey strength!”

  “Listen, team, this isn’t the first time we’ve had to protect someone who was intolerable,” Ruby said.

  “Yeah, but Tessa isn’t a swimsuit model like the last one,” Jackson grumbled.

  “Luckily, Tessa is probably safe,” Duncan said. “The day is almost over and we haven’t had as much as a whisper from Miss Information.”

  Jackson nodded. “We should call the principal and let him know we’re going to be following the First Jerk around again tomorrow.”

  Suddenly, Ruby felt the floor begin to shake. She held on to her seat and watched as several books fell off the shelves and tumbled to the floor. “Duncan, what’s going on?” She asked. “Are there tanks outside?”

  “There’s nothing outside,” Duncan said. “I have no idea where that noise is coming from.”

  The sound was getting louder and the shaking more intense. “What about a helicopter?” Jackson asked.

  “What kind of helicopter cracks marble floors?” Matilda asked.

  “The walls in the main office are crumbling like crackers,” Duncan said.

  Pufferfish, Braceface, and Wheezer ran out of the library and toward the noise. In the hallway there was an explosion of snapping wood, pulverized concrete, bursting pipes, and boiling steam.

  “Maybe it’s an earthquake!” Flinch cried as he joined the com-link.

  Ruby shook her head. “It’s not an earthquake. It’s her, and she’s not coming from the sky or outside. She’s coming from underneath! Where is Tessa right now?”

  “She’s in pre-algebra,” Duncan shouted. “Room 111-A.”

  “Go!” Ruby shouted, and she, Jackson, and Matilda dashed off to find the classroom. As they turned the corner, Flinch appeared like a lightning flash in a thunderstorm. The hall was empty so no one spotted his superspeed. Duncan joined them outside of Tessa’s class, but it was too late. They could see through the window in the classroom door that the floor was buckling, being thrust upward as a large, metallic drill broke the surface.

  Ruby threw open the door. “Everyone listen up. Get out of this room now!” she shouted, but the students were far too shocked and terrified to follow instructions. “Listen to me! All of you are in danger. I need everyone to get up from their desks and—”

  She didn’t get to finish. The drill shot up out of the floor like a whale breaching the waves. It fell down hard on its side, knocking students and desks over in a massive shock wave.

  The agents leaped into action when the large machine fired a rocket directly at them, a plume of black smoky death trailing behind it. Ruby barely had time to shout a warning and dive out of the way before the missile crashed into the very spot where she and the NERDS had been standing. Ruby staggered to her feet and squinted through the black air for Tessa Lipton. She couldn’t let Ms. Holi—no, Miss Information—take the president’s daughter, but she couldn’t see and her ears were buzzing like they had been colonized by honeybees.

  But Ruby “Pufferfish” Peet didn’t need any of those senses. She had a sixth sense her doctor called “overactive allergies.” She closed her eyes and tried to tune out the screech in her ears. Instead, she listened to the messages her body was telling her. Her puffy glands and runny nose were speaking loud and clear.

  A row of red sores appeared on her forearm. She knew what that meant—goons. She was allergic to goons, and by the number of bumps she could tell there were eight of them spilling out of a hatch in the machine. A sudden swelling in her right big toe meant one was in striking distance. She swung, made contact, and felt the bad guy slump to the floor. Now there were seven bumps, so only seven goons. But where were they? The itching of her ear allowed her to play a game of hotter/colder. The closer she got to the next villain, the more her ear itched, and soon she was whacking him in the jaw. Six bumps.

  A phlegmy cough meant there was someone behind her. She was allergic to being snuck up on. A quick turn matched with a swift kick to the goon’s groin sent him toppling over in pain. Wait—puffy lips! A fast elbow behind her, right into the Adam’s apple of another of Miss Information’s toadies. Four bumps left.

  “Pufferfish, are y
ou OK?” Duncan shouted through the noise. “We can’t see you!”

  “I’m fine,” Ruby said, smashing another goon in the face. “Find Tessa!”

  But then there was a ridge of red, hot sores sprouting up her back. She was allergic to betrayal. The only explanation: Miss Information had arrived.

  “I can’t let you do this, Ms. Holiday,” Ruby cried, forgetting her old friend’s alias in the panic of the moment.

  “Don’t call me that!” the former librarian bellowed. “My name is Miss Information—or Master, if you want to get a head start on what the world will soon be calling me.”

  Even through the mask Ruby could hear the woman’s rage. Why did she hate to be called by her real name? Was she really that disconnected from reality? If only Ruby could reach her, take her by the hand, and let her know they still loved her. Unfortunately, she had more immediate problems. A stinging pain in her ears told her that the other goons had surrounded her. She was allergic to being surrounded.

  She swung at one, clipping him in the temple, and he fell over with a thud. Her right leg shot out behind her and nailed a second thug in the belly. She could hear the wind exploding out of his mouth even if she couldn’t see his face through the smoke. There was only one punk left to worry about and then she could deal with Ms. Holiday, but he had abandoned the fight and snatched Tessa. He dragged the poor, screaming girl into the bizarre drill machine while Miss Information looked on.

  “Don’t do this, Ms. Holiday!” Ruby begged.

  The villain stood motionless, staring at Ruby. She tilted her head as if trying to shake something loose from her brain. For a moment, Ruby believed she had gotten through to the former librarian. But then another rocket fired out of the machine, and Ruby was forced to leap for her life once more. By the time she had recovered, the drill was spinning and the machine was slipping back into the massive sinkhole. There was nothing Ruby or anyone else could do to stop it.