Can I Give My Husband Back?: A totally laugh out loud and uplifting page turner

by Kristen Bailey

  ‘So, in the first ever time of our Christmas quiz, we actually have a tie break situation.’

  My head looks up. Simon looks confused and holds his hand in the air.

  ‘We were ahead though? How has that changed?’ he asks.

  ‘Your team got one answer wrong in the last round.’

  I stand up and may put my hands to my mouth. Please say that again out loud for us all to hear and so I can record it, play it back for all in the medical community and have it as my ringtone.

  ‘Really?’ he exclaims.

  ‘Well, yes.’

  ‘Which answer would that be then?’

  ‘You put skull when the correct answer we were looking for was cranium.’

  Beth and Lucy cannot hide their glee and the heckling is both petty and loud. Jag has the broadest smile on his face.

  ‘The diagram was not clear.’

  ‘My sister got it right,’ announces Lucy to the room.

  A few of the teams stop to observe the drama about to unfold. It’s why we’re all here really, never mind the school’s fundraising efforts. We’re here to gawk and find out whose marriage is best, who’s had the most convincing plastic surgery, whose child is Grade 8 oboe and who had the best holiday in Dubai this year. Simon glares at me. You should know that, Simon. Bones are your thing. I only deal in hearts and cut through the occasional rib.

  ‘So please could a representative from the Ho Ho Hos and the Noel It Alls come to the front of the room. We have a tie break question and whoever answers first will win.’

  ‘And the subject…?’ asks Faith on Simon’s team.

  ‘It’s another question on the human body.’

  ‘I got this!’

  I stand up from my chair and make my way to the front of the hall as people clap and Lucy and Beth cheer me on drunkenly. I stand with Simon and wait. Mrs Buchanan knows exactly what she’s doing and I don’t doubt that this is for her entertainment too but I know what I have to do. Simon stands in front of me and I think about a time when his back was turned and I was always behind him, watching, following, letting him take the lead, never believing I was good enough. His stare is both conniving and different to me now. I’m not intimidated by it. It doesn’t dictate my self-worth. I look right through it and wonder what I ever loved about it.

  ‘So, for the prize tonight. The first person to put up their hand and give me the right answer is the winner today. Ladies and gentlemen, some quiet please.’

  Please know this, please know this. Let’s take this bugger down.

  ‘What are the names of the three bones…’

  ‘I know!’ I shout, my hand raised in the air.

  Crap. She didn’t finish the question, did she? I went too soon. Three bones. Which three bones is she talking about? It’s either arm or ear. But the arm was part of the diagram. So was the leg. I need to take a risk. I don’t like risks. Unless she’s talking about the torso. Ear. There are three bones in the ear. I have to get this right.

  ‘Malleus, incus and stapes, also known as the hammer, anvil and stirrup.’

  The whole room is quiet. Then Mrs Buchanan smiles and nods. A corner of the school hall erupts so much that Beth falls off a chair. Leo waves over at his wife. Maddie points to me with both hands and Mark tries unsuccessfully to start a chant in my honour. Other less inebriated teams look on confused and I realise we may have given ourselves quite the reputation. I’d like to say Simon is gracious in defeat but he goes over to challenge Mrs Buchanan.

  ‘It was not pointed out that we could answer at any time. I think you should do that tie break again,’ he states plainly.

  ‘Oh, suck it up Chadwick. We won.’

  ‘Mature.’

  ‘Just better.’

  ‘Touché,’ he says, and then goes to shake my hand.

  He can’t take this away from me. I know we’re in a school hall swathed in holly with parquet floors, and it’s just £100 shared prize money, and a resin trophy shaped like a brain but this moment belongs to me and I’ll take this over all those other moments where he humiliated me and made me feel like I was nothing. I beat him in a contest in his own specialism.

  Mrs Buchanan laughs under her breath as I take the envelope and trophy from her hands and hold it above my head, jiggling it lightly. I think Mark may have just thrown up in his wife’s handbag but this moment is mine and it’s really very very sweet.

  Later that evening we all part ways. Maddie gives me the biggest hug and tells me she is going to share our victory all over Facebook. Beth has gone on a mission to find food. Jag and Lucy wait outside the school booking Ubers whilst I try to level my reputation out by helping stack some chairs in the school hall.

  ‘Well done,’ a voice pipes up behind me.

  It’s Faith, Leo’s wife. I’ve not really engaged much with her over our shared time at this school – I knew we were levels apart when I saw she wore Balenciaga trainers on the school run.

  ‘Strange to bring a nanny to a quiz night? Is she your nanny?’

  I know exactly what she’s doing here. She’s trying to work out who the young girl was who was sat in her ex-husband’s lap. I need to do something for Leo in some sort of divorced club solidarity. The alcohol in my bloodstream will no doubt help things along.

  ‘She is. Her name is Elsa. She’s twenty-six.’

  ‘That’s interesting.’

  ‘Not as interesting as the sex I hear they’re having.’

  Her face drops. I say drops. She’s had a fair bit of Botox from the looks of it so I think that vacant expression may be shock.

  ‘In your house?’

  ‘Oh no, Leo and I have become friends. We talk. It’s nice to hear that he’s happy.’

  She tries to stare me out. I don’t know how to extend this lie to make it not sound ludicrous. Do I say ‘Elsa’ is a part-time actress? Or that she’s part of Swedish royalty? Either way, it pains me to see her so angry that her husband may actually be moving on, just like she has. That it’s a race to see who reclaims their happiness the quickest.

  ‘Well, divorce is a funny game as you very well know,’ she retorts.

  Can you kill someone with a resin trophy? She wanders off to find her young entrepreneur fiancé man and I stare at her wondering to what capacity divorce can just transform you into such a bitch. Maybe she was always one. Well done Leo for getting away from that when you did.

  I collect my bags to leave, Mrs Buchanan waving at me as I do. I think she likes me now. I then make my way out to go find my Uber buddies through the school’s winding parquet corridors. I hope Beth has sourced chips. A sound grabs my attention though. A jarring crash to the floor. I tiptoe over to see the source and find Simon, sat on the floor of a darkened hallway, outside a classroom lined with Santas made out of paper plates and cotton wool. In front of him are the remnants of a smashed phone. I think about a similar phone on my mother’s patio two years ago.

  ‘I hope that’s insured.’

  ‘Look, it’s Mastermind herself. Nice work, Callaghan.’

  I gather bits of shattered screen into my palms, thinking about young children walking along here tomorrow morning.

  ‘Thank you. You never come to these things, why are you here?’

  ‘Truth?’

  ‘For a change?’

  ‘I thought Susie might be here. She had bought tickets at an open evening for Oliver.’

  ‘She’s got a pretty small baby, chances are she’d give it a miss.’

  ‘True.’ He rubs at his temples. ‘I think I fucked up there. I don’t think she’ll take me back.’

  ‘Well, she’s a wiser woman than me. Have you met the baby yet?’

  ‘No.’

  He sits there quiet. It’s a rare thing to see him so still, processing his emotion rather than just acting on it. He was not usually so big on thought.

  ‘How could you label it a skull? I feel embarrassed for you.’

  ‘I’ll take that, the shame. Or maybe I let you win?’<
br />
  ‘You’re the most competitive man I know so that’s a lie. How’s your mum?’

  ‘Getting there. Thanks for asking.’

  I turn to walk away.

  ‘I’m sorry I tried to kiss you in that hospital room.’

  I’m silent and stop. There’s a tone that I can’t quite read.

  ‘Are you OK, Simon?’

  He catches my eye to check for any hint of sarcasm.

  ‘It’s a bit of a mess, Ems. I don’t know how to make this right… what do I do now?’

  I look at him. Is that what I wanted? Defeat? Him lying on the battlefield, bloodied and broken, my leg cocked on his body whilst I wave a flag of victory for all the wronged women out there?

  I take a deep breath. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, the girls are looking forward to seeing you.’

  He nods and I take my leave. Outside, Jag and Lucy are in hysterics recalling the events of the evening.

  ‘Hold that trophy up. Let’s get a picture of you,’ says Lucy.

  ‘That was a pretty crazy night. Well done you,’ Jag says, locking arms with me.

  ‘Was the dance too much? In front of everyone?’

  ‘I believe Maddie filmed that…’ Lucy informs me.

  ‘She did?’

  ‘I’ve just seen it as an Instagram Story.’

  ‘We’re going to get banned from the next one, eh?’

  ‘I thought we were great value. Did you see the team to the far left? The Silent Knights? I’ve seen cadavers with more character,’ Jag jokes.

  His phone rings and he breaks off to speak to a lost Uber driver while Lucy smiles broadly. I like this one, she mouths at me. Behind us, the school door opens and Simon walks out. Jag and Lucy say nothing but roll their eyes when he’s out of view. I watch him grapple with his keys to escape into the car. But before he opens the door, he holds my gaze and salutes me. It was just a game, Simon. But maybe it’s time to just stop playing.

  Twenty

  ‘Oh no, I think you’ll find the big seventies bush is coming back into fashion. I don’t know why but I’ve had a lot of men ask me to grow mine out, like down the creases of my thighs.’

  We all sit around my dining room table enthralled by Lucy’s latest revelation about her love life, while I’m slightly worried about what constitutes a lot of men. We’ve extended quiz night to pile back to mine and give my sisters the chance to get to know Jag further. It also feels like something I should have done during my marriage. Informal takeaway nights in the comfort of my own home, involving alcohol, chat and people I liked instead of surgeons and people whom Simon was trying to impress. Beth had drunk too much of the quiz night wine to buy food sanely so before us are the remnants of a KFC bargain bucket, a selection of Thai food, a giant bag of chips and some battered sausages. I bite into a spicy fishcake to hide my horror at learning about my sister’s body hair situation.

  ‘Leo was all about the hair.’

  ‘What’s the deal there? You’re still seeing Leo?’ I ask, curious.

  ‘Kinda. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t want to marry me. It’s very lustful. I think I’m a distraction, I make him feel better about himself. I feel like I’m offering him a service.’

  ‘You make yourself sound like a prostitute,’ adds Beth.

  ‘A kind one with a heart of gold. I make him tea and let him jizz on my boobs. He’s got a decent willy.’

  ‘LUCY!’ shrieks Beth.

  I seek safety in chips, Jag looks over in complete shock. It’s not like I didn’t tell him about this sister before.

  ‘Leo doesn’t even want me to shave my pits.’

  ‘I don’t shave my pits,’ mentions Beth. I want to add that I don’t either unless necessary but don’t want to scare Jag away.

  ‘Yeah, but that’s not a fetish thing,’ adds Lucy. ‘That’s a lazy comfort thing. You shave them in the summer when they’re out?’

  Jag laughs. ‘Like my back. I only shave it when I have to, it’s a tiring endeavour otherwise.’

  ‘How do you shave your own back?’ Lucy asks.

  This naturally piques my interest as I am sure that unless he’s a contortionist then it’s impossible. I also realise this is something that he may require me to do moving forward if this became serious.

  ‘This is embarrassing. I ask my mum.’

  Lucy and Beth roar with laughter while I sit there wondering when talk turned to body hair. There was me thinking we’d at least attempt to have civilised conversation about politics and the state of the environment.

  ‘And with that revelation, I am going to the loo to die of shame.’

  He gets up and grazes my hand as he does. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Beth. They wait until he’s locked the door of my downstairs cloakroom before they say anything.

  ‘Like how hairy are we talking? Planet of the Apes?’

  ‘Lucy! I haven’t seen it yet.’

  ‘But how?’

  ‘Because I haven’t slept with him yet?’

  ‘But you’ve been on dates and stuff?’ asks Lucy.

  ‘Well, we kissed but we’re taking it slowly.’

  ‘Shit! Tonight then? You could shag him tonight.’

  ‘I haven’t thought that far ahead,’ I explain.

  ‘Beth and I can piss off out and then…’ She does a strange rave-style dance as she thinks of her plan coming together.

  Beth looks worried. ‘Do you want to sleep with him?’ she asks.

  ‘What do you think of him?’

  ‘Honestly?’ replies Beth.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘He fits in the jigsaw. Will always says we’re a hard outfit to infiltrate. Ask Danny up north, Tom when he was here, maybe even Simon… You don’t enter into a relationship with one Callaghan sister, you get a whole gaggle of them. He’s coping remarkably well considering.’

  ‘Did Simon fit in the jigsaw?’ I ask her, laughing.

  ‘Maybe he was that annoying rogue piece that was a bit misshapen. We forced him to fit in when really—’

  ‘We should have just thrown him in the fucking bin,’ adds Lucy.

  ‘He seems like a good man, Emma,’ says Beth, hurt still haunting her eyes from Will’s absence. I grab her hand. Jag returns from the toilet and Lucy jiggles in her seat. Don’t you bloody dare sister.

  ‘We were just saying Jag…’

  ‘Were you still talking about my back?’

  ‘No, but we need wine. There is not enough wine and we thought you could walk down to the corner shop and get some?’

  Beth and I wonder what she’s up to.

  ‘Yeah, I could get wine. Any other requests?’

  If she tells him to get condoms in then I will skewer her with a chopstick.

  ‘Anything you might fancy or need?’

  She’s walking an incredibly thin, thin line.

  He gets up to retrieve his coat and I offer to give him money but he refuses. I hand him my keys and he heads for the front door. Beth stares Lucy out.

  ‘Seriously?’ she says.

  ‘We need to prepare you if you’re going to sleep with him.’

  ‘Like mentally?’ I ask.

  ‘Like have you had a tidy?’

  ‘You just said men like seventies bush,’ interrupts Beth.

  ‘Yes but I do it as a request. First time, I’ve always at least tidied up the flaps and done a bit of topiary.’

  Who is this woman? How can you raise five girls in exactly the same house and come up with such a random entity?

  She stands up and heads for my kitchen drawers, rifling around until she pulls out a pair of scissors. ‘Show me your bush,’ she orders.

  ‘Lucy! I prepare food with those scissors.’

  ‘And we’ll wash them?’

  Beth is in hysterics as she sees this scene unfolding in front of us.

  ‘I’m not getting my bush out in my kitchen.’

  ‘You’re so dull. I’m trying to help. What are your pits like? Shame there’s no time to tackle your u
pper lip.’

  I put my hand over it instinctively. ‘I have a moustache?’

  ‘Well, you’re not Tom Selleck but it could do with a bleach.’

  ‘You’re being cruel now, Luce,’ says Beth. ‘But I think we do need the comedy of seeing Lucy trimming your bush in the kitchen.’

  I stand up reluctantly and unbutton my jeans.

  ‘Ha!’ exclaims Lucy. ‘You’re wearing nice pants, you knew this was going to happen. Just peel them back and let me have a look.’ I let her have a glance and she tuts loudly.

  ‘Be quick for god’s sake. This is something that no one needs to see.’

  ‘Do you want a shape?’

  ‘Like a heart? No!’

  ‘You’re a heart surgeon, it’d be cute!’

  ‘No!’

  ‘I’ll trim the length then. Beth, put your hand out…’

  ‘Do I have to?’

  ‘Don’t you love your sister to at least hold her pubes?’

  I don’t know what’s happening here. One sister is very close to my private regions with a sharp object and I hear the creak of metal as she shears away. The other collects the trimmings in a napkin in her palm. This feels like an opportune moment to ring Meg and Grace and start a FaceTime chat. That time we all took one for the team so Emma could reclaim her sex life.

  ‘Thank you, Lucy.’

  ‘You don’t say this enough I feel.’

  ‘We don’t,’ says Beth.

  ‘You want me to look at yours, B?’

  ‘I’m good.’

  ‘What if he’s into weird stuff?’ I ask.

  ‘Like?’

  ‘I am very vanilla. I think I’ve only done sex in five positions.’

  ‘Well, no one breaks out all the moves on their first time,’ says Beth. Lucy gives us a look like she begs to differ.

  ‘And he can’t cum in me. I’m not on anything. I might get pregnant.’

  ‘That’s what condoms are for?’ says Beth.

  They both give me a look that says I am the doctor and I should have an inkling about how reproduction works and the preventative measures that I can put in place to stop myself getting pregnant. I think back to a time about when I had sex with Stuart Morton. I’ve forgotten everything, again.