Crushed

by Jennifer K Thomas

  Waiting for you to remember how good we are together.

  We’ve spent too much time assuming things. We need to talk and figure us out.

  You’re not mine to think about, but I do anyway.

  Your voice is my favorite sound, and my ears haven’t heard it for too long.

  I’ve wasted too much of my life missing you, when I should have been with you.

  I keep thinking about our kiss at the investor dinner. It’s time to make up for all the years I should have been kissing you.

  Maybe I don’t deserve you, but I would like to become the kind of man who does.

  His words are more poignant than I anticipated. I shouldn’t have read the cards. Luke invades my dreams more than once as I try to sleep.

  I wake up exhausted in the morning. Despite my tiredness, I’m prepared for whatever new tactic Luke is planning for today. When lunch is delivered, I’m not overly surprised. In another attempt by Luke to get my attention, Mexican food has been provided for all the administrative staff, compliments of our new investors. The fact that it’s from my favorite restaurant is probably not a coincidence. I’m still disturbed by him knowing where to show up the last couple of times I’ve seen him. As puzzling as it is, I have no intention of ever getting the opportunity to ask him about it.

  Luke is the type of man who is used to getting what he wants. I’m not foolish enough to let him hurt me again. If I ignore him, he will eventually find someone else to pursue. It’s obvious by the way women react to him and the way he carries himself that he has been thoroughly enjoying his single life. The life he craved when he broke up with me. At some point he will tire of the chase, move on, and forget about me once again. I need to stay away from him until that happens because I don’t always have a clear head about what’s best for me when he’s near.

  Luke leaves one more voicemail Friday morning, but all messages and deliveries have stopped by Friday afternoon. I congratulate myself on being strong enough to resist the charms of Luke Taylor. Linda called out sick, and after a long meeting discussing new software implementation, I get ready to head home a little early. It’s Grant’s weekend with Amelia, and I’ll be spending the weekend alone. I asked my mom earlier in the week if she wanted to have dinner, but she reminded me this is the weekend she’s traveling to Florida to see my aunt Susie.

  I pick up the phone to call Vivien.

  “Hey Jess,” she answers after one ring.

  “Hey there. I know it’s last minute, but what are you up to tonight?”

  “Eddie and I are going to dinner and a movie. You’re welcome to join us.”

  Her invitation is sincere, and I have joined them before, but I don’t feel like being the third wheel tonight. “Thanks, but I’ll pass this time. You two enjoy your evening together.”

  “Are you sure? We’d love for you to come.”

  “Yeah, thanks for the offer though. Tell Eddie I said hi.”

  “Okay. Call you tomorrow?”

  “Sounds good.” I hang up and dial Emily next.

  “Hi sexy lady.”

  “Em, what are you doing tonight?”

  “Actually, I have a date.”

  “Oh yeah? Who’s the lucky guy?”

  “Someone I met at the gym. He’s Luke Taylor hot.” She must be in a playful mood, because she laughs at her comment, a comment she knows will annoy me.

  “Okay, that cannot be your new phrase.”

  “Fine, he’s Hemsworth hot.”

  “Which one?”

  “Does it matter?” We both laugh.

  “How did you meet this guy?” I’m eager to hear. Emily often has amusing stories about her dating life.

  “He got on the stair climber next to me as I was about to get off. Needless to say, I stayed on for another thirty minutes, talking to him.”

  “Did you ask him out or did he ask you?” Emily tends to be aggressive with men. We’ve tried to suggest she let them come to her, but she rarely listens.

  “He asked me out,” she says hesitantly.

  “Emily, what did you say to him?”

  “Nothing. I just told him that since he already made me hot and sweaty at our first meeting, I couldn’t wait to see what our first date would be like.”

  “Emily!”

  “Jessica!” Emily mocks my tone and laughs.

  “I give up.” I shake my head even though she can’t see me. “I just talked to Vivien, and she invited me to dinner with her and Ed. Aren’t you going to invite me to join you tonight?”

  “Are you asking to have a threesome with me and the hot gym guy?” Emily teases.

  “Absolutely not. I was simply pointing out that Vivien is a better friend than you,” I tease back.

  “Vivien has sex more regularly than either of us. That’s why she’s nicer. Consider me going on this date my attempt to be a better friend.” “Wow, it’s going to have to be some amazing sex for that to happen.”

  “I think he’s up for it.”

  “You’re awful. Have fun tonight and be safe.”

  “Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I hang up, turn off my computer, and gather my belongings.

  I’m not terribly disappointed everyone had other things to do tonight. I could use the quiet. My original plans involving a new romance novel I downloaded to my Kindle and a hot bath will remain intact.

  “Good night, Albert.” I wave to one of the maintenance guys. “Have a great weekend.” I always feel guilty saying that, knowing that his position will require him to work all weekend.

  I’m distracted as I walk to my car, mentally deliberating dinner options while trying to locate the keys in my purse. When I look up, I notice a limo parked directly behind my car.

  “Great,” I mutter. It probably recently delivered someone who is getting married on the property tonight. I hope the driver is still inside so he can move the vehicle. I’m already brainstorming an alternative plan to get out of the parking lot when the driver gets out and walks to the back passenger door.

  “Excuse me?” He doesn’t respond, so I assume he hasn’t heard me. I smile when he opens the door, waiting for a bride or groom to emerge from the limo.

  My smile disappears when I see it’s not a member of the bridal party. It’s Luke.

  Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I’m surprised. I open my mouth, but he raises his hand before I have a chance to say anything.

  “We need to talk. Get in.” His words are short and sharp but not angry.

  “No thank you.” I alter my path to walk around the back of the limo.

  Luke steps aside enough to remain in front of me. “You can make this more difficult if you want, but you will end up talking to me. I’m known to be very persistent, and I will come back here as often as I need to until you have a conversation with me.” The serious expression on his face makes me believe every word he says.

  I still don’t want to talk to him though. “That’s called harassment. I don’t think there’s anything left to—”

  “As often as I need to,” Luke says. Him running a hand through his hair reminds me of a younger Luke…less sure of himself, less in control. “Please, one conversation.”

  I nod. I know him well enough to know he’s not bluffing. I move to the door of the limo.

  He motions for me to enter first. I slide in and scoot all the way to the other side. He gets in after me. When he notices where I’ve chosen to sit, he smirks.

  “Drive,” he says to the driver, who has returned to the front seat.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you. This is only going to be a quick conversation.” I try not to panic.

  “Yes, it’ll be quick. I don’t want to block others in the parking lot.”

  The driver rolls up the partition, and I’m effectively confined in a small space with Luke. I’m
more nervous than I’d like to admit but determined not to show it. I imagine I’m in a business negotiation.

  I busy myself digging my phone from my purse. I feel his eyes on me, like he’s studying me, trying to read me. When I raise my gaze to meet his, he closes his eyes and tilts his head back. I don’t want to misread the situation, but he almost seems nervous. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Luke this uneasy. He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair again. I wonder if his hair is as soft as I remember.

  “You’re upset about what happened at the soccer game, about what I said.” He pauses and looks directly at me. “I said you need to let him go, because you do. But not for the reasons you’re thinking. You need to let him go not because he’s moved on, but because you deserve better.”

  “Of course I do.” At least we can agree on something.

  “I’m serious. You deserve someone who values you.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.” Does he realize he’s fueling my reasons to stay away from him?

  “I also said he didn’t want you.”

  The words make my heart sink as far down into my stomach as they did the first time he said them. “If you came here to recap what you said to me last weekend, there’s no need. I remember.” My delivery is sharp, and Luke flinches.

  “I regret that my words sounded harsh, but I didn’t get to finish my thought.” He sighs. “I was going to say that he doesn’t want you…the way I want you.”

  His words make my heart ache in an entirely different way this time. I hate that he affects me so easily, but I maintain my resolve. “What you’re offering isn’t something I’m interested in.”

  “What do you think I’m offering?”

  “Sex.” My forwardness shocks me as much as it does him.

  He nods. “Don’t get me wrong, that would be great, but I apologize if I gave you the impression that’s all I’m interested in. I could never just have sex with you anymore than you could with me.” He leans toward me. “I meant every word I wrote on those cards.”

  “I didn’t read all of them.” I fidget with the hem of my blazer.

  “You’re not very good at that, you know.” Luke leans back against the seat.

  “What?”

  He smiles. “Lying.”

  I don’t think discussing the words he wrote is in my best interest. His charm can be distracting, so I change the subject.

  “Okay, so if not just sex, why in the world would you think I’d put myself in a position to be hurt by you again?” The words are honest, and they feel powerful coming out of my mouth.

  “Good. This is what we really need to talk about.” Luke rests his elbows on his knees. “We never discussed what happened between us. As much as neither of us is looking forward to this conversation, we need to have it.”

  “Actually, we don’t. I know what happened. You graduated and left.” I bite down on my lip, hoping the pain there will somehow lessen the pain in my heart. It doesn’t.

  “It’s time we laid it all out.” Luke watches me earnestly.

  “Fine.” I take a deep breath. “I loved you, and you left. You left, and it felt like the years we were together didn’t matter, like they weren’t real. I don’t know, maybe they weren’t real for you, but they were for me.” Tears collect in my eyes.

  “Of course they were real. My feelings for you always have been.” He looks at me, then away. “Fuck, this is harder than I thought. Truth? I was an eighteen-year-old kid, away from home for the first time. People kept telling me I was making a mistake being tied down to a girlfriend thousands of miles away. I was playing on one of the best college baseball teams in the country and getting a lot of attention from everyone.” His lips tighten. “I started believing my own hype. I talked myself into believing that breaking up would be best for both of us. That we got together too young and we needed to go out, experience other things. Other people.” He shakes his head and closes his eyes. “Hearing you break down on the phone that night, the night I ended things…” He pauses. “I felt like shit after we hung up, but I was still convinced I was doing the right thing.”

  I’m not surprised by Luke’s reasons for breaking up with me. That much I figured out on my own. I am surprised by his admission of how the breakup affected him. My recollection of that evening is of me crying and him repeating, “This will be better for both of us.” At the time, I interpreted it as him not really caring and trying to minimize my reaction.

  “I admit the first few weeks were kind of fun. I was able to flirt and not feel guilty about it, but I wasn’t happy. I felt like a loser for missing you so much, so I pretended I didn’t. By the time I came home for Christmas break, I knew what I needed to do. I was going to ride into town, beg for your forgiveness, and we’d pick back up where we left off.” He gazes at the limo’s ceiling. “I was so cocky, it never even crossed my mind that my plan wouldn’t work.”

  I remember that Christmas break. It was my senior year, and I’d spent the majority of the first semester moping around and listening to sad breakup songs. Karen was growing tired of my depression and insisted we go to a party that one of the guys on the football team was throwing. I didn’t want to go, but I felt like I owed it to her for being such a crappy friend. I met Grant at that party.

  “Matt was home from college too. When I told him my plan, he said we should go to a party a friend of his younger brother was throwing, that maybe you’d be there. When I arrived, the place was packed. It took me a while, but I finally found you. You were sitting at a table in the backyard with Karen and some people I didn’t know. You were stunning in a red V-neck sweater, and you were smiling. No, not simply smiling—glowing.” Luke lets out a long sigh. “I don’t know what I expected, but I was surprised to see you so happy. A guy sat down next to you and handed you a drink. You looked at him, and in that instant I knew. You looked at him the way you looked at me the first time we met. I realized in that moment I was watching you love someone else.” Luke’s eyes contain a sadness that wasn’t there before.

  My heart squeezes in my chest. I had instant chemistry with Grant. I hadn’t wanted to go to the party, but once I was there, I felt like it was destiny. Grant was from out of town, visiting his cousin. He was clearly interested in me. He was attentive and expressive of how he felt about me, two things I was desperately craving. The memory of Grant and me is as painful as the realization that Luke witnessed it.

  “It was the worst night of my life up until that point. I made Matt promise never to say anything to anyone, especially you. I know it isn’t fair, but I was so angry at you for picking him. I really believed you were supposed to be with me, and I blamed you for not knowing it too.” Luke isn’t looking at me anymore, like it pains him to do so. “Matt would hear things and keep me updated on the status of your relationship. The new worst night of my life occurred when Matt called to tell me he heard you were engaged. I decided then I would never allow someone to get close enough to hurt me. Or to be hurt by me.”

  Even though I did nothing wrong with Grant, knowing Luke’s side explains some things. “Luke, I don’t know what to say. You can’t be mad at me for moving on after you broke up with me.”

  Luke shakes his head. “I know. I didn’t handle any of it how I should have. I thought my feelings had dulled over the years, until I saw you at the reunion. I honestly didn’t think you’d be there. I got hopeful when I spotted you standing there alone. Then I saw your wedding ring, and the anger I felt years ago came roaring back to life. I watched you and couldn’t figure out why you looked sad even when you were laughing. Then I heard you were getting a divorce. I hated to see you pretending to be all right when I could see you weren’t. I was still angry, but not with you.”

  “Please don’t…I can’t…” My eyes refill with tears, but this time I’m unable to keep them from spilling over. I wipe my cheeks.

  “I was mad at myself. M
ad at the thought that I may have caused you to look or act like that at one point.” Luke slides over next to me, but he doesn’t touch me. “I understand why you don’t want to discuss anything about your divorce with me. I hate that you have to go through this, but I have to admit, I wonder if things didn’t work out with Grant because you’re supposed to be with me.”

  “Luke…I don’t know what you’re expecting me to say.” I repeat the same words for a second time in the last few minutes.

  “I don’t have any expectations. I’m sure we will need to revisit this subject again at some point, but I wanted you to know my side.” He reaches up and wipes my cheek. “We both could use a break from this topic, which brings me to the other subject I came to talk to you about. I have to attend a charity dinner tonight in San Francisco, and I want you to come with me.”

  His invitation startles me. I swipe under my eyes in case any mascara has run. I glance around as the car comes to a stop. We’re in the parking lot of the French Valley Airport. It’s a small local airport, used primarily for private planes. “Right now? I can’t go with you right now.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m a mother. I have responsibilities.” I assume Luke is unfamiliar with the constraints of being a parent. I’m sure he can hop on a plane and go anywhere at a moment’s notice, but I can’t.

  “Do you have Amelia this weekend?”

  “Well, no.” I try to come up with another excuse. “I haven’t packed anything.”

  “My assistant has already made arrangements to have everything you might need waiting for you when we arrive.”

  “How could she…how would she…you don’t even know what size I wear.”

  “I can accurately guess what size you wear.” Luke smirks at me.

  The implication that he has examined me closely enough to determine my size makes heat rise in my cheeks.

  “Listen, no pressure, no expectations. I would simply like to spend some time with you.”

  I rack my brain for another reason why I can’t go. I don’t trust myself around you would be the honest answer, but I know he would get too much enjoyment out of that response, so I remain silent.