Crushed

by Jennifer K Thomas

  A showdown with him is not a good idea. I want no part of being a grown woman causing a scene at a respectable fundraising gala. The mature way to handle this is to bite my tongue and get the hell out of here.

  I’m not surprised when I find Luke waiting for me when I exit the restroom.

  “Everything okay? I was beginning to worry about you.”

  “Yep.” I answer simply, afraid if I speak too many words my anger will show through them.

  “Good. I’m really glad you’re here tonight.” He gives me a full smile.

  He’s confident he has me right where he wants me. My pride overrides my desire to avoid confrontation. I have an intense desire to knock him down a few notches.

  “You are disgusting, and I am leaving,” I announce matter-of-factly.

  Luke lets out an incredulous laugh. “Okay…clearly I missed something.” He raises his hands in front of him as I storm past him. “Hey, wait.” He follows me back to our table. I picture a puzzled expression on his face, but I don’t know for sure because I don’t look back. At the table, I quickly grab my purse and spin around.

  Luke’s eyes widen when I glare at him. “Talk to me. What’s going on?” He reaches out to touch my arm, but I pull back out of reach.

  “Do not touch me.” I’m careful not to raise my voice above the clatter of the room. “This was a mistake. I wish you well. What you’re doing here with the charity is amazing, but I have to go.” I walk past him toward the elevators.

  “Will you please wait a minute?” He follows me again through the ballroom. “We were having a nice evening, and then all of a sudden, you’re acting like you found out I murdered someone.”

  We walk past a table of young women. They’re all batting their fake eyelashes at him. They’re obviously the ladies from the restroom. My stomach churns.

  I will give Luke credit for not being a complete idiot. He quickly assesses the situation. “Shit…wait.” He continues to chase me to the elevator. “At least have a conversation with me.”

  I don’t respond until I have pressed the down button. “I will not discuss this here. Not in front of these good people and definitely not in front of your…fan club.” I wave an arm at the ballroom, where Luke’s harem has undoubtedly returned to their glasses of chardonnay and boring dates.

  He follows me in as I step into the elevator but doesn’t dare say anything. The door closes, and we stand in uncomfortable silence. I consider telling him to go back to the party, but Luke is not easily deterred, and he clearly intends on talking about this sooner than later. I need to deal with him directly, but the conversation will wait until we have some privacy.

  I try to appreciate the quiet as we walk to his car, knowing what comes next isn’t going to be pleasant. When the driver emerges to open the rear door for us, Luke waves him off. He opens it himself, and I slide in past him. Once he’s settled inside too, he instructs the driver to drive us back to his apartment. The driver nods and closes the partition.

  “All right, let’s talk.” He rubs the back of his neck.

  “No thanks.” I turn and gaze out the window at the passing city. It’s easier to stand my ground when I’m not looking at him. Besides, I could use a few more minutes to steady my emotions.

  “No thanks?” He sounds bewildered. “That’s not an acceptable response.”

  “You, sir, are in no position to lecture me about acceptable behavior.” A fake cackle escapes from my throat.

  Luke sighs. “I knew this would come up sooner or later. Obviously, I was hoping for later, but…”

  I forget my strategy in an instant and turn my scowl at him. “Oh, I’m sure you were. My guess is the fact that you’ve slept with the entire city wasn’t something you were planning on sharing with me.”

  “I haven’t slept with the entire city and I knew I was going to have to share my past with you at some point, just maybe not this weekend.” Luke shakes his head. “I’ve been a single man for a long time—”

  “I don’t know where you’re going with this, but excuse me for thinking that sticking your dick in anyone who will let you is repulsive.” My voice is louder than I intend. “You’re lucky it hasn’t fallen off.”

  “First and foremost, I always protect myself—”

  “Stop. I really don’t want to hear anymore right now.” My face must convey the emotions that are threatening to explode from me, because Luke sighs and closes his mouth. “Why am I even here? You clearly have enough activity to keep yourself busy for a very long time. I don’t understand what kind of woman you think I am, but I’ll tell you who I’m not. I’m not a woman who shares sex stories in a bathroom and laughs about sharing a man with all my girlfriends.”

  “You know that’s not what I think.” Luke frowns.

  “Do I? It’s become very apparent I know very little about you, what you think, and how you live your life. I would never sleep with half the men in the room and then try to convince you you’re special and different.”

  “My sleeping with other women doesn’t invalidate my feelings for you. I would’ve rather been with you than any of them.” Luke purses his lips together when he looks at me. “I would’ve been with you, but you went and fell in love with someone else.”

  “Don’t you dare! You left. What was I supposed to do?” He flinches, and I turn away.

  Seconds turn into minutes as we sit in stillness and struggle with what comes next. I can’t come up with anything else to say. I realize I’m furiously twirling my hair around a finger and force myself to stop.

  “I’m sorry.” His words hang in the air. I remain silent and focus on the cars driving next to us for a few more minutes.

  Once I’ve calmed down I respond. “It’s not my place to say anything about your lifestyle. I just think you’re better than that. You have much more to offer than that.”

  “Of course I do. I haven’t wanted to offer anything more.”

  We don’t talk for the remainder of the drive to Luke’s apartment. I suspect it’s not because neither of us has anything to say, but because there is too much to say. Too much that still needs to be said, things our exhausted hearts and heads are not prepared to hear tonight.

  “Thank you, Dean,” Luke says after we exit the car. He waves to his driver, and we enter his building.

  In the elevator, Luke lets out a frustrated sigh. “Well, tonight didn’t play out how I envisioned in my head.”

  “I imagine not.”

  “I really thought that if we spent some time together…” Luke leans against the elevator wall.

  “Luke—”

  He raises a hand to stop my thought. “It’s been a long night. I have to be honest. I’m out of my element here. I’ve never had this much trouble with, well, anyone.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you apologizing? There’s nothing you need to be sorry about.”

  “This should’ve been a night to celebrate you being appointed to the board.”

  “I don’t care about the recognition. I only care about one person’s opinion of me at the moment.”

  “I don’t want to mislead you. I don’t know if there is anything left for us.” I’m so confused. I try to be as honest as I can. “I need to be cautious.”

  “I understand. I’ve been cautious too, just in a different way.”

  I sigh and look down at my shoes. “Luke, I’m not sure we’re meant to have some storybook ending. I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago. Real life doesn’t play out that way.”

  “Fairy tales may not be real, but I do believe some people wind up with a happy ending.”

  We exit the elevator and enter his apartment.

  “Good night, Luke.”

  “Good night.”

  For the first time, I hear a whisper of defeat in his voice.

  Despite my t
iredness, I can’t sleep. I make a pros and cons list regarding giving Luke and me another chance. When that doesn’t work, I try to not think about him at all. I download and begin to read a new novel. After twenty minutes, I realize I remember nothing about the last ten pages I just read and turn off my phone. I thought relationship stuff was supposed to be easier to handle as an adult. I feel like I’m fourteen years old again…indecisive and downright frightened of my emotions.

  Maybe a warm drink will help. It’s late. I’m sure Luke has already gone to bed. I get up, determined to find my way back to the kitchen.

  I’m surprised when I open the bedroom door to see the glow from the fireplace. Luke is sitting on the couch. My entrance startles him, and his head jerks up from the paper he is reading.

  “I didn’t think you’d still be up. I didn’t…I didn’t mean to bother you.” I’m already confused about my feelings for him, and his half-naked body isn’t helping. He’s wearing pajama pants but no shirt. The light from the fire dances across his bare chest, illuminating exactly how muscular he is.

  “No problem. I was catching up on some work.” He sets his laptop aside and stands.

  When he does, I see the definition of his Adonis belt. He did not have that in high school. He is not overly big, but he clearly works out. By the time my eyes reach his face, he is smirking. I’m mortified I was so blatant in my admiration of his body.

  “Do you want something, Jessica?” I hear a subtle hint of seduction in his voice, and heat rises in me. I don’t know if he means to do it or if it’s my imagination that assumes everything he says is laced with sexual innuendo. I shake my own dirty thoughts and remember what I came out here for.

  “I’m in search of tea. You know, to drink? Like chamomile or something? I’m having trouble falling asleep and thought it may help. Sometimes when I can’t sleep, a cup of hot tea does the trick.” I’m rambling and should stop, but the words keep spilling out.

  “Sure.” He takes off to the kitchen.

  I follow him and take a seat at the counter bar. He searches through one of the cupboards and grabs a box of tea bags from a top shelf. The motions make his back muscles move and flex. Up until this moment, I never thought a man’s back could be called sexy. My eyes are drawn to the waistband of his pajama pants. I wonder what he looks like under them. It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen Luke naked. Not to mention that his body has changed in some very exciting ways.

  Without warning, Luke shoots me a glance over his shoulder. He smiles knowingly. “Quit checking me out.” He takes the honey out of the cabinet as well.

  What’s wrong with me? I need to get ahold of myself and stop ogling him, even if he likes it. His familiar words make my heart ache though. Did he use those same exact words from the day we met on purpose, or was it merely a coincidence?

  Before I have a chance to open my mouth and undoubtedly embarrass myself further, he says, “Chamomile tea with one spoonful of honey and a splash of milk?”

  “Yeah. How did you know that?”

  “I remember a lot of things about you.”

  I don’t know if it’s the heat from the fireplace, being so close to him and his half-naked body, or that he can be so charming, but it is suddenly very warm inside the apartment.

  He finishes making my tea and hands me the cup. He leans back against the kitchen counter as I sip the sweet, creamy liquid.

  He clears his throat. “About those women tonight…I’m really sorry you had to hear that. I’ve lived my life unapologetically the last ten years because I didn’t believe my actions were hurting anyone. I certainly didn’t know my behavior was ever going to cause you any pain. If I would’ve thought I would ever be having this conversation with you…” He trails off.

  “It wasn’t fun to hear, but it really isn’t any of my business. I’m not in a position to have an opinion on how you’ve lived your life.”

  “Of course you’re going to have an opinion about it. I hope you can see beyond that though. I wanted us to have a nice weekend. A chance to remember the good and not only the bad, but I guess we’ll have to relive some of both.”

  I take a deep breath before bringing up the topic that causes him the most pain. “Luke, I can’t be sorry about my marriage and my life with Grant.”

  He shakes his head and crosses his strong arms across his chest. “Of course not. I shouldn’t have said anything about that. You don’t owe me any kind of explanation.”

  “I didn’t even know about your feelings after we broke up and I started dating him.”

  “No, because I never told you. That was my fault.”

  “Yes, but knowing how you felt does explain some things. I can’t wish things had turned out differently, but maybe now we can both get some closure.”

  “I’m not looking for closure.” He gazes straight at me, arms still crossed.

  “I know you’re not.”

  “But you are?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe that’s all that we can get out of this.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. And deep down, you don’t think that either.”

  “How do you know that?” I tilt my head.

  He pushes away from the counter and leans across the bar. “Because you’re here. That you even came here means you have some inkling this is a beginning and not an ending.”

  “Maybe this is all too complicated, too painful for both of us.” I take another sip of tea, and my gaze drops to the marble countertop.

  “Life is complicated. If great things were easy, everyone would do them.”

  I lift my eyes back up to meet his. “Luke, I can’t promise you anything right now.”

  “I’m not asking you to. I’m not doing a great job of reassuring you this is right, but I am going to.”

  I don’t respond to his bold assertion. I have always admired his ability to be absolutely certain about things. I don’t have that. Unfortunately, his unwavering belief in us is non-transferable. Sometimes wanting something to be true isn’t enough to make it so.

  I finish my tea and return to the guest bedroom. This time I fall right to sleep and dream about Luke in his pajama pants.

  Chapter 11

  I awake to sounds of light knocking on the bedroom door. It takes me a minute to interpret my surroundings. Dull light peeks through the blinds, indicating it is morning. It’s either really early or cloudy outside.

  I could tell him to go away, but I’ve never knowingly fought a losing battle. I make sure I’m still fully covered by the fluffy blanket I spent the night wrapped up in.

  “Come in,” I say warily as I reclose my eyes.

  His head appears first. I open one eye. If he’s going to wake me up, he better have caffeine. He pushes the door fully open. He has a bag in one hand and a mug in the other. He sets the coffee on the nightstand. I can’t resist its seductive smell and rise to a sitting position. I take a small sip to make sure it’s not too hot. I usually prefer tea, but this is perhaps the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had. I take another taste and enjoy the heated liquid running down my throat. I imagine it warming my entire soul as it wakes me up and soothes me at the same time. I release a small throaty “mmm.”

  “I’ve never seen anyone drink coffee like that.” He is staring at my mouth.

  My goal was not to draw any attention to myself, so his comment makes me blush.

  He clears his throat. “My assistant picked these up for you. Get dressed and we’ll go for a run.” He sets the bag on the end of the bed. I only now notice he has running clothes on.

  “I don’t run anymore.” I take another mouthful of heaven in liquid form.

  “I was afraid of that.” Luke frowns. “Well, today you start again. Meet you downstairs in thirty minutes.” He leaves and shuts the door.

  I’m not shocked he wants to go for a run. It was something I grew
to enjoy in high school, but I stopped many years ago. This is going to be painful, definitely physically and probably emotionally. I’m curious about what topics may come up during our run though, so I will join him…after I finish my coffee.

  I join Luke out front, where he is stretching. I bend and pull my limbs in an attempt to coax them to loosen up. After several minutes, I’m warming up despite the chilliness of the damp morning air.

  The first ten minutes are awful, and I consider quitting with each stride. I can’t decide which is burning more, my lungs or my legs. I can’t remember why I ever enjoyed this. I make deals with myself along the way, like if I make it to that next tree, I’ll stop. If I make it past the next building, I’ll tell Luke I’m turning around. But I don’t stop. I just keep making new deals.

  Eventually the endorphins kick in, and everything seems less painful. My thoughts drift to the subject that haunts me daily—my impending divorce. Ever since I found those texts on Grant’s phone, I have been carrying around a heaviness. I know others have felt it and even attempted to talk to me about it, but I haven’t been ready to let go of it. In a weird way, the sadness makes me feel safer. It’s a reminder not to put myself in a position where I could experience this level of pain again. This is the first time I’ve admitted this to myself. I cringe because it doesn’t sound healthy even in my own head.

  My body tells me it’s time to stop when I get a sharp pain in my side. I slow, and Luke stops running too. We walk up the block and land in front of a small bakery. I inhale the scents of butter and sugar as I walk in a circle and continue to cool down. Luke paces back and forth but isn’t nearly as fatigued as I am.

  He examines the pedometer on his wrist. “Three miles. Not bad, Adams.”

  I remember a time when I heard similar words.