Crushed

by Jennifer K Thomas

  As I approach the door leading back into the concert, I see Luke. He’s leaning against the opposite wall, eyes cast down. He raises his eyes to mine when I’m standing in front of him. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah. They’re really amazing live.” I keep my voice light. Maybe some appreciation will stop him from looking at me with such sadness. “I’m having a great time. Thank you again for planning this.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Never mind.” He pushes away from the wall and walks away.

  “Wait,” I call after him. He pauses and turns around, but I don’t know what to say next, so we only look at each other. He shakes his head and turns away. “Wait,” I say again. “What’s wrong?” It’s a stupid question, because I know what’s wrong.

  “Nothing. Let’s go back in.” He doesn’t look back at me as he continues toward the door.

  “Will you please wait?” I yell this time, and he stops.

  “Why?” he snaps. He turns around while rubbing his face. “Sorry, this is not the plan.”

  “What is the plan?”

  “Certainly not this.” He throws his hands up in an “I give up” gesture. “Things are never this hard for me…ever. I don’t know what to do, okay? I don’t know how to fix…” He waves back and forth between us. “And that fucking song. Does that song hold any meaning for you anymore? Does it make you feel anything?” He squints his eyes at me.

  “Of course it does. You’re clearly upset with me. If there’s something you need to say, go ahead and say it.” I brace myself.

  “I don’t have a problem saying it, but you have a problem hearing it.”

  “I’m ready.” I’m not, but I’m ready to rip this bandage off.

  “When did you last hear that song?” He wraps his arms across his chest.

  “I don’t know,” I lie. It came on the radio a month ago, while I was driving Amelia to school one morning. I covered and said my allergies must be acting up when my eyes began to water.

  “No? Well, I do. I remember the exact moment I last heard that song. You know why? Because I have never listened to it in its entirety since.” Luke lets out a rush of air. “I heard it at that damn party. The night I saw you with Grant. It was on when I walked into the house. I thought it was a sign we were supposed to be there that night.” He appears to be deciding whether to continue or not. “I was so angry when I saw you with him, I almost told him to get his hands off my girl…but I didn’t.” He closes his eyes. “I left and sulked and decided that song was cursed. I knew we’d hear it tonight. I knew it would stir up feelings in me. I thought maybe it would stir up feelings in you too.”

  “Luke…” I reach out to touch him, but he takes a step back.

  “Listen, I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen years old. Yes, I fucked it up, and I know that. I see the possibility of something great between us, something life changing, but you don’t. Or you don’t want to.”

  I start to respond, but he cuts me off.

  “I don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve already spent too much of my life without you in it. I thought I could show you this weekend. I thought I could get you to remember how good we are together. I don’t want to let you go again. Please tell me I don’t have to.” His eyes are wet, and he’s wearing the most heartbreaking expression I’ve ever seen.

  The look on his face makes me decide in an instant. Any doubts I ever had about his intentions seem absurd at this point. I grab him by his sweater and kiss him hard. His body reacts before his brain does, and he kisses me back with equal fervor, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

  He releases my mouth but maintains his hold on me. “I can’t do casual with you, not with you.”

  “Did that feel casual? We both know there are too many feelings involved for that.”

  He kisses me again but breaks contact too early. I need more. “We need to get out of here.” He leads me outside and texts his driver. He pulls me into his chest as we wait on the sidewalk. “I want to be alone with you, but we can take this as slow as you want to.”

  “I think being apart for ten years is slow enough.” I stand on my tiptoes and whisper in his ear. “I want you now.”

  I hear Luke’s sharp inhalation right as the car pulls up.

  We get in, and he raises the privacy partition.

  “Are you sure?” He is breathing hard.

  “Yes. Absolutely yes.” My own breathing is difficult to regulate.

  “One more question.” He rakes his eyes over my body. The anticipation makes me tingle. “Now, or wait until we get back to the apartment? Honest answer please, because it’s going to be difficult to stop once we start.”

  My body is tingling and I only need a second to consider my answer. “Now.”

  I lean back, and he climbs on top of me. He kisses me fully and deeply. I don’t remember ever being kissed quite like this. I remind myself to keep breathing.

  “I apologize in advance for being too eager during round one.” He unbuttons my blouse, watching me closely. He’s tentative, like he’s afraid I’m going to change my mind. I give him no indication of doing so, and he moves his mouth down to my collarbone.

  “Round one?” I manage to mumble.

  “Uh-huh.” He hums against my already sensitized skin.

  “That’s what they all say.” I’m already overwhelmed, so I attempt to insert some humor.

  He lifts his head. “They do, do they? Well, it sounds like ‘they’ have never followed through on their promises. I always do.” He winks and undoes my jeans.

  It’s evident he’s trying to pace himself and not just rip my clothes off. He pauses between buttons, zippers, and clasps to place kisses on whatever body part he has bared. He removes my jeans and then my blouse. After he takes my bra off, he puts his mouth on my already hardened nipple and sucks. Electricity courses through me, and I can’t help but moan. I feel his mouth smile against my skin before drawing my nipple back inside. I wonder if it’s possible to orgasm from this alone.

  He doesn’t break suction as he reaches down to remove my panties. Only once he’s stretched his arms as far as they will go does he remove his mouth from my breast. He finishes with the panties and gazes at my completely naked body.

  “Fucking gorgeous.” Luke lowers his head between my legs. He lifts my legs up at the knees and spreads them apart, giving him full access.

  He begins with a light lick. After a few more, he changes his approach to include kisses. He lets a kiss linger and gently pulls me into his mouth. He quickly releases me and repeats the sequence again. My pleasure is building, and I can’t control the noises I make to let him know it.

  He continues his assault until my breath is ragged and my hips are thrusting toward him. He reaches up with one hand and squeezes my nipple. The sensation distracts me for a moment, so I’m surprised when he slides his fingers inside me. I arch and rasp out something unintelligible.

  “You taste so good. I want you to come in my mouth.” He lowers his head again. This time he’s more aggressive. He thrusts his fingers faster and sucks harder. The combination of sensations makes me climax suddenly and forcefully. He continues to suck as I ride out the waves rippling through me. As I’m winding down, he releases me and takes off his jeans. I feel a little guilty for not helping, but I feel weak and shaky. He finishes removing his boxer briefs and catches me admiring the view. He grins at me in a way that makes my insides fire up again.

  “I needed to be inside you, like, thirty minutes ago. I promise I’ll take better care of you once we’re back at the apartment.” He pulls a condom from the pocket of his jeans.

  He moves me to the floor, and I give him a lazy smile and nod to let him know it’s all right to proceed. After the condom is on, he enters me quickly and fully. Coming fresh off an orgasm, I’m quickly able to acclimate to his size. He moves with power and determination
. I wrap my legs around him and use my muscles to grip him as he pounds into me.

  His moans fuel my arousal. I continue to squeeze him as he thrusts. A few minutes later, he tenses and then releases. He collapses on me, and we stay like this for a moment, both relaxed after finally releasing our pent-up sexual energy.

  His head is on my shoulder. “Do you think we would have to wait another ten years for it to ever be that amazing again?”

  “Are you already trying to get out of your promises?” I tease.

  “We’re only getting started.”

  Chapter 13

  Luke follows through on his promise once we’re back at his apartment. I don’t know what I was expecting, but he’s passionate and attentive. He looks at me with such adoration, I can’t remember what I was so nervous about. By the end of the night we’re exhausted, as much from our sexual activity as from the flood of emotions that has swept through our lives this weekend. I fall asleep easily while he strokes my hair.

  I awaken to the smell of bacon. Drawn by the smells of breakfast and thoughts of Luke’s amazing coffee, I’m motivated to remove myself from his cozy, disheveled bed. I search the room for something to throw on.

  “Good morning,” I announce as I enter the kitchen. He’s at the stove, tending to scrambled eggs and bacon.

  “Good”—he pauses when he sees me and smiles—“morning. My pajamas look good on you.”

  “Thanks.” I sit at the counter.

  “Hope you’re hungry.” He turns his attention back to the pans on the stove. Why is there something so sexy about a man cooking? It helps that he is also wearing a pair of his pajama bottoms and didn’t bother to put a shirt on.

  “Starving. Hey, do you happen to have any more of that—” Before I can finish my sentence, he places a mug of coffee in front of me. It already has milk in it and, I assume, the correct amount of sugar.

  “I made you coffee. After watching you drink it last time, no way I was going to pass up an opportunity to see that again.” He flips strips of bacon. “After breakfast we have a little time to clean up, but then we need to get to the airport.”

  “Okay.” I never would have expected at the beginning of this weekend that I would be sad to see it come to an end. It has been a rollercoaster but worth it.

  “Glad to see you smiling.”

  “I’m glad I came.”

  “I’m glad you came too…several times.” He tries to hide it, but I catch a glimpse of his mischievous smile.

  “You really are terrible,” I say with a groan.

  “But seriously, I was right about this weekend. We can both agree I have great instincts and should be the decision-maker of the relationship. In the future, we can avoid disagreements and save a lot of time if we agree I’m right and move on.” His words drip with sarcasm.

  “So you’re saying I should simply agree with whatever you say going forward?” I pretend to consider his suggestion as I take another sip.

  “It would save a lot of time and conserve our energy.”

  “Conserve our energy?”

  “Yeah. We’re going to have to find ways to conserve energy, so it can be used for more pleasurable pursuits.” He plates the food and brings it to the counter.

  “Let me see if I understand you correctly, you want me to agree with you so we don’t waste time arguing, so we can have more sex?”

  “That’s ridiculous. I don’t believe that’s what I said at all.” He sits across from me.

  “Maybe I could quit my job and lie in bed all day, waiting for you to get home and have sex with me?” I sample the eggs. They’re delicious.

  Luke shrugs and picks up his fork. “That sounds very chauvinistic, but if that’s what you want to do, I could support that.”

  I crumple my napkin and throw it at him. He catches it and sets it on the counter.

  “When did you learn how to cook?” I ask, taking another bite of perfectly cooked bacon.

  “I did pick up some new skills between the ages of nineteen and twenty-nine.” Luke’s comment is followed by an uncomfortable pause. “I didn’t mean that to sound like it did.”

  I set my fork down and look at him. “We both have pasts. We’re going to have to learn how to navigate this without constantly worrying about hurting the other person’s feelings. Let’s agree to take it easy on each other for now while we figure things out.”

  “Sounds good.” Luke looks as relieved as I feel.

  We finish our breakfast, discussing San Francisco and all the places he wants to show me when I come back. Despite his protests, I help clean up. I pour myself one more cup of coffee and make sure to take a picture of the bag in the cupboard so I can track it down later and order my own. My reconnection with Luke is the highlight of the weekend, but this coffee is a close second.

  The rest of the morning is filled with mundane tasks like packing and showering. Well, showering would be mundane, but he decides to join me. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I suppose I figured he wouldn’t be ready again so soon. After Grant and I had sex, he wouldn’t be interested again for a while, sometimes weeks. Then again, we’re getting divorced, so I probably shouldn’t be using my experiences with Grant as any kind of bedroom activity barometer.

  He holds my hand on the way to the airport and continues to hold it during most of the flight. We catch up on emails and texts, so we don’t speak much, but the silence between us has already morphed into a comfortable one.

  The pilot announces we’re getting ready to descend. “When do I get to see you again?” he asks.

  “I’m not sure.” I haven’t gotten that far in my planning today. I’m proud of myself for enjoying the moment and not overthinking too much.

  “I have to fly to London tonight. I’m supposed to be gone until a week from Tuesday, but I can make arrangements to be back next weekend if you’re free.”

  “I have Amelia next weekend.” I hesitate. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you to meet her yet. Not as my…I mean as someone I’m…” I struggle to find the right words.

  He squeezes my hand to halt my rambling. “First of all, I am yours. I meant it every time I said I don’t want to be with anyone else, so please call me your boyfriend or whatever other title you want to give me.” He smiles at me reassuringly and releases my hand. “Second, I get it. I’ll officially meet her when you’re ready.”

  “Thank you.” My thoughts jump to another dilemma.

  Luke senses my uneasiness. “What?”

  “About work…”

  “Now that’s a different story. I have no intention of not telling everyone you’re mine. I have waited a long time to be able to do that again, and I’m not wasting any time or energy on what others think. Neither should you.”

  “Calm down. It was only a thought. I just don’t want to be the source of any gossip or to look bad in Mrs. Bianchi’s eyes, that’s all.”

  “People will always gossip. I plan on giving them lots to talk about anyway, with how much attention I plan on giving you.” I shake my head, knowing this is something he will absolutely follow through on. “You have nothing to worry about with Mrs. Bianchi. That woman thinks so highly of you, she will understand and trust you.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Trust me. Remember, always right.”

  I can’t help but giggle, remembering our conversation at breakfast.

  We agree that since I won’t be available next weekend, Luke should stay in London as originally planned. I’ll miss him, but I’m looking forward to spending time with Amelia. Besides, his absence will buy me some time to decide how to tell everyone I’m dating him.

  I arrive home with a few hours to spare before Grant returns Amelia. I start a load of laundry and straighten up the house. Then it’s time to make some phone calls. I dial Emily first, anticipating she will be the least troubled by the
latest development in my love life.

  “Hello beautiful.”

  “Hi Em. You have a minute.”

  “I just pulled up to the gym. What’s up?”

  “How was your date Friday?” I ask.

  “Boring. He talked about his job and his mom most of the night. At one point he even brought up his ex-girlfriend. I don’t have time to teach someone proper dating etiquette. I need someone who needs less training.”

  I laugh. “I’m not sure you should need to train anyone. Sounds like he just wasn’t the right guy for you.”

  “I guess. How was your weekend? How many pints did you eat?” My ice cream consumption is well known and has become Emily’s measure of how well I’m doing.

  “None,” I say proudly.

  “None? What did you do?”

  “I took a last-minute trip to San Francisco.”

  “That doesn’t sound anything like you. Who talked you into that?”

  “Luke.” I scrunch my face, waiting for her reaction.

  “What?” Emily practically screams into the phone. “I need all the details, now.”

  I tell her about the weekend, excluding the more intimate details.

  “I can’t believe you went to see Maroon 5 without me.” She pretends to pout. She is usually my concert companion.

  “I promise my next concert is with you.”

  “All right,” she says, still using her sulky voice. “I’m proud of you. You need a little adventure in your life.”

  “This is why I called you first. I knew you’d be happy for me.”

  “Vivien will be concerned, but she’ll be happy too.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m more nervous about my mom’s reaction,” I admit.

  “This may not be what you want to hear, but your mom knows Luke more than we do, and she doesn’t take crap from any man. I would trust her opinion.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m afraid.”

  “You won’t know until you talk to her.”

  “Thanks. You’re a good friend, Emily.”