I consider calling Luke, but I don’t have anything to say yet. My continued uncertainty would end up hurting him more. My stomach drops whenever I picture the look on his face when I didn’t choose him. When I couldn’t choose him. Ironically, I can’t bring myself to choose Grant either.
I need to call my mom. My conversations with her usually help.
“What’s wrong?” She immediately senses my misery.
“Nothing’s wrong. Just wanted to say hi and see how you’re doing.” I fail in my attempt to sound normal.
“I’m fine. You’re obviously not though. What’s going on?”
I tell her about my dinner with Grant and my breakup with Luke. She doesn’t say anything expect for some “uh-huhs” and “mms.”
“I know I made the best decision for Amelia. I guess I just need confirmation,” I finish and let out a defeated sigh.
“Honey, it’s your decision, but—”
“But what?” She’s a great listener, but she doesn’t readily offer a lot of advice. When she does, I’m all ears.
“Your decision was based on what you think is best for Amelia?”
“Of course. That’s what mothers do.”
“Yes, that’s often true.” She pauses before continuing. “Do you believe Grant is the best decision for you?”
“I don’t know.” My eyes water again.
“Why do you think your father and I divorced?”
Her question is unexpected. We don’t discuss him often, and I’ve never asked for details about their divorce. He is a lousy father, so I assumed he was an equally lousy husband. “I don’t know. He left.”
“That’s correct, but there’s a little more to it than that. He was always arrogant, always thought he knew best. After you were born, he insisted I stay home. Good mothers did that. I only had one more year of college to go before I got my nursing degree, but he was adamant I needed to focus on you. So I stayed home until you started kindergarten. I don’t regret those first years I spent with you, going to playdates and the park, but once you started school, I wanted to go back. So I did. I didn’t tell your dad. I knew he wouldn’t approve. I found friends to help and took out my own student loans to pay for it. I waited until I graduated to tell him. He was furious. He considered it a betrayal, and I suppose it was. We tried to make it work for a while, but he couldn’t get past it…so he left. I wasn’t shocked. I knew that was a real possibility when I made my choice, but I did it anyway. I worried about how it could affect you, but I worried about me too and how living a life that wasn’t meant for me would affect both of us.”
“You never told me any of this. Is this why you were so insistent I finish school after I got pregnant?”
“Yes, but not for me. I knew college was important to you, and I wanted you to finish if you wanted to.”
“I never knew why he left.”
“You were too young to understand. As you got older, and he stopped making an effort with you, I kept hoping he would realize what he was missing out on. I didn’t want to add any fuel to the fire in regard to your strained relationship, so I didn’t talk about him a lot. I’m sorry you didn’t have the relationship with him you wanted, that you should have had. I blamed myself for a long time.”
“It’s not your fault he’s a crummy father.”
“You’re right, it’s not. Just like it’s not your fault Grant cheated on you. It’s also not your fault if you realized, through his mistake, you aren’t meant to be with him. You’re not to blame if you fell in love with someone else.”
“Oh, Mom, I don’t know what to do,” I say with a heavy sigh.
“I know, but you will. Amelia will be fine no matter what, because she has you, and unlike you, she will always have her dad too. Equally important, you will be okay too.”
“Who do you think I should be with?” I dare to ask.
She lets out a small laugh. “Sorry, sweetie. That is where my advice ends. That is not a question for me to answer.”
“Grant said he doesn’t think I trust men.”
“I think that’s a fair statement. Did this honestly not occur to you until now?”
“Not really. I mean, I always rationalized my thoughts and actions as being practical and cautious.”
“Well, you are those things. Grant is a smart man, and he’s always known you had some unresolved issues related to your dad.”
“You think I have issues too?” I recognize my anger is misplaced.
“We all have issues. Mine involve food. Yours involve men and trying to protect yourself.”
“But what if I’m missing out by being so careful all the time?”
“It’s definitely a possibility.”
“You’ve never remarried. Are you afraid to?”
“No. I’ve dated, but no one I got close to considering marriage with. I really loved your dad at one point. We didn’t work long-term, but that in no way diminishes what we once had. At least it doesn’t for me. I like my freedom, and I decided long ago I wouldn’t give it up until someone came along who gave me those extraordinary feelings again.”
“Makes sense. You know, Luke is pretty arrogant.”
“Yes, but he’s not your father. Luke listens. He may have very strong opinions, but he has always listened to yours too. He may push, but he ultimately lets you be yourself.”
“True.” My mind is swimming with possibilities. “I still don’t know what to do.”
“Do you worry Grant would cheat on you again?”
“Part of me feels like it would be foolish to think so, but I honestly don’t.”
“Do you believe Luke would walk away again?”
I consider my answer carefully. “No.”
“So, you do have some confidence in both of them.”
“I suppose I do.” My answer surprises me. It’s frightening to allow yourself to have faith in people who have hurt you, to give them the power to do it again.
“Maybe ask yourself a slightly different question. Who is the one you can’t bear to say goodbye to?”
My heart answers immediately, but my head muffles the response.
Chapter 20
My brain is being difficult and refuses to get on board with the decision my heart was ready to make. I tell Mrs. Bianchi a condensed version of what is going on in my life. She tells me not to worry and to take as much time off as I need. My mom agrees to help with Amelia. She takes her to school Monday and doesn’t bring her home until after school on Tuesday. I use the two days to sleep. It doesn’t make me feel any better. On Wednesday, I take Amelia to school and decide to try a run. It only causes me to think of Luke and the look of devastation on his face when I couldn’t give him the answer he was waiting for. I come home sore, my face damp from sweat and tears.
On Thursday, I attempt to get some errands done after I drop Amelia off in the morning. I dress in sweats, a hat, and sunglasses, and pray I don’t run into anyone I know. In the afternoon, I view myself in the mirror. I look like I got released from the hospital and they weren’t able to heal me. I call my mom to ask if she can watch Amelia for a couple of hours. I need some time with my girlfriends.
I arrive at It’s a Grind, our favorite coffee shop. Vivien is at the counter, ordering her drink.
“Hello, Jessica,” Vince, the owner, calls as I walk in the door. We’ve been meeting here for years, so I know he will start making my chai tea before he rings us up.
Vivien gives me a big hug.
“Hi, ladies!” Emily practically yells as she comes through the door.
“What? How can this be?” I hug her.
“This has to be the first time you’ve ever been on time.” Vivien finishes my thought.
“I’m on time because I’ve been home since noon.” Emily waves at the coffee shop owner, who is busy making our drinks. “Hi Vince.”
>
“You’re not sick are you? I can’t afford to get sick right now,” Vivien says.
“Not sick, cured!” Emily bounces excitedly on her heels. Vivien and I exchange a look. “As of today, I’m unemployed,” she announces, plopping down in one of the comfy stuffed chairs.
“What?” There is more alarm in Vivien’s voice than Emily’s mood should warrant.
“I quit. The jackass told me I would have to work the next two weekends. I explained I already had plans that included a non-refundable plane ticket to visit my mom. He said if I couldn’t handle my job, maybe I should start looking for something else. I told him I would do that…starting today.”
“Wait a minute. Your mom lives no more than an hour from here.” I shoot Emily a knowing smile.
“Yes, but he doesn’t know that.” Emily winks at me.
“You quit before you had another job?” Vivien is horrified.
“I’ll be fine. I have some money saved up, and I’ll find something better.”
“I suppose this is good news then?” I try to be positive.
“Abso-fucking-lutely!” Emily gives us a wide smile.
“Well, congratulations then,” I say as Vince sets our drinks on the table in front of us. I hand him enough money to cover our order. He silently nods and doesn’t interrupt our conversation.
“Congratulations?” Vivien’s voice is not camouflaging her concern.
“Viv, it’s a good thing. I promise,” Emily says.
“I know that job was awful. I just worry.”
“I know you do. That’s why we keep you around, to hold Jessica and me accountable. Speaking of, you look awful. What’s up with you?” Emily asks.
“Gee, thanks,” I say dryly. “I’m okay.”
“That sounded…not convincing at all.” Emily scrunches her face.
“What’s going on?” Vivien asks.
I spend the next fifteen minutes filling them in on my current mess. When I’m finished, Emily is the first to speak up.
“I’m going to be honest. You deserve to be happy and get everything you want. I don’t know if Luke can give that to you, but we all know Grant can’t.” She has not been shy about her feelings regarding Grant and his behavior.
“He’s still Amelia’s father. Tone it down a little.” Vivien shoots her a warning look, and Emily raises her palms.
“Listen, I get it. I’m not bashing the guy. I just want us all to acknowledge that she can do better. I’m not sure if Luke is the one for her or not, but she hasn’t even talked to him about her concerns yet.” Emily drinks her coffee.
Vivien looks pointedly at me. “She’s right. You need to talk to him.”
“Why do you sound so surprised when I’m right?” Emily pretends to be offended.
“Because you usually suggest she get over things by engaging in some sort of sexual activity.” Vivien laughs.
“Based on what I’ve heard, a round of sex with Luke may rid her of any concerns she has,” Emily says.
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you anything.” I throw my napkin at her. I didn’t share details with her, but I did tell her he was skilled.
“Wait a minute, you had dinner with Grant? Did he ever say anything about his pants?” Emily’s grin is devilish.
The day I found the incriminating text messages, I decided to do one last thing before I left, in case he thought I was simply out running errands when he came home to an empty house. I took a pair of scissors and cut holes in the crotch of every pair of pants and shorts he owned. It was symbolic more than anything, but the thought of him having to go shopping the next day before being able to go to work gave me a small sense of satisfaction.
“He didn’t mention it.” I was disappointed when he didn’t comment on my handiwork. We’re quiet for a moment before erupting into laughter.
I arrive at work Friday morning to find an inbox full of emails and a desk piled with paperwork. Despite the assortment of duties I could keep myself occupied with, I don’t get a lot done. I consider the day a success, however, because I’ve managed to put on jeans and mascara. My mother’s words have been swimming in my head all week. I know she is right, but I’m frustrated because I’m not comfortable with either of my choices now. How could I possibly say goodbye to either of these men?
I’m busy searching online for Christmas gifts for Amelia when my phone rings. Grant’s name lights up the screen. I haven’t heard from him since last Friday. When he told me he wanted to give our marriage another shot, I told him I wasn’t ready to make that decision and I needed time to think. I guess my time is up.
“Hello, Grant.”
“Hi. I got a call from the realtor. We got an offer on the house. A good one.”
“Oh.” This is not what I was expecting. The house has been on the market for several months. We put a lot of money into it, and although we didn’t expect to recoup all of it, we weren’t willing to undersell it by too much. A week ago, I would have been thrilled by the news. Now it feels like one more ending. It’s so overwhelming, I get a little choked up.
“We can say no to the offer,” Grant suggests.
I try to swallow it, but a small squeak escapes my throat.
“Calm down.” Grant’s voice is sympathetic. “How about you and Amelia come over for dinner, and we can talk.”
“Okay,” I manage to creak out.
“I can cancel a few of my late appointments so we won’t keep Amelia up too late.”
“All right.” I sniffle. I don’t remember Grant ever canceling anything for me before, and I can’t help that this affects me.
I leave work early to pick up Amelia. She bubbles with excitement when I tell her we’re going to the old house to have dinner with her dad. I glance at her in the rearview mirror.
She’s in the backseat, looking thoughtful. “I miss that house.”
“It’s a very nice house.” I’m afraid of the answer, but I ask anyway. “What do you miss about it?”
“Catching ladybugs in the backyard. There aren’t any at the new house.” There isn’t a hint of sadness on her pretty face.
Not the answer I was dreading. I laugh. “Let me see what I can do about getting you some ladybugs in the new backyard. Maybe I can invite them to a pool party or something.”
“Ladybugs don’t swim.” She smiles back to let me know she’s playing along.
“I suppose you’re right. I don’t think they make bathing suits that small.”
Amelia squeals. “Nope, and they don’t make beach towels that small either.”
“Is there anything else you miss about the old house?” I’m a little less worried about her answer this time.
“No, I like our new home. I like the pool and my turquoise room. My room at the old house is pink. I don’t like pink anymore.”
“Right. What about living with only Mom?” I may be pressing my luck, but I’m ready to confront whatever thoughts are running through her head.
“I miss not seeing Dad every day, but I still get to see him a lot. And now we do more fun stuff together.”
“I’m glad you and Dad get to do more fun stuff.”
“I’m glad you and Dad are friends.”
Her comment surprises me. “I am too.”
“Madison’s parents are divorced, and she says they fight a lot, and her mom says not nice things about her dad. I’m glad you don’t do that.”
“I’m sorry Madison has to go through that. I think you have a great dad.”
“Yep. I have a great dad and mom.”
She has no idea how much her words have quieted my fears. “We’re here,” I announce as we pull up in front of what was once our family home.
Amelia runs up to the door, and Grant opens it before she reaches it.
“Dad, can I have something to go catch ladybugs in?”
“Ladybugs hibernate in the winter. You can see, but I’m guessing they’re gone for the year.”
“Mom said she will try to find some for our new backyard.”
“Sounds like a plan. Hey, dinner is ordered and on its way, so why don’t you wash your hands and get out plates and silverware.”
“We’re not having that gross food Stephanie likes, are we?” Amelia plugs her nose with her fingers.
“No sushi tonight. I ordered pasta.”
“Oh good, otherwise I may have to start my diet tonight.”
Grant shakes his head as Amelia continues on to the kitchen. “It’s crazy how quickly she goes from sounding like a kid to sounding like a teen.”
“I know. She asked me the other day if she could start wearing lip gloss to school.” Grant scrunches his brows at me. “Don’t worry, I told her no.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for all this,” Grant admits.
“Nobody is.”
“Come in. Can I get you a glass of wine?”
“I’ll just grab a glass of water.”
As we make small talk and wait for dinner, I survey the house. It holds so many memories, good and bad. I miss those good times, but I don’t feel particularly connected to this place anymore. I expected to feel more. Amelia’s right; our new house is our home.
The doorbell rings, indicating our dinner is here. Grant answers the door while I help Amelia get out napkins.
Dinner is relaxed. It is the most comfortable time we have spent together in a long while. Amelia tells us about school and about how awful Aiden is. Apparently, there was an incident involving a spork and him being sent to the principal’s office.
As we’re laughing and enjoying our meal, I have an epiphany. We’re happy. Our once painful divorce has turned into something else. Amelia is loved and joyful. Grant and I are…friends? Co-parents? I’m not sure exactly what we are, but I know what we’re not.
After dinner, we clear the table and put leftovers away. Amelia heads off to the extra bedroom to watch a movie. She makes it a point to remind us that Sam has a TV in her room. We remind her we already said no to that idea.
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