I refill my glass of water and join Grant in the family room, where he’s waiting for me.
“First let’s talk about the house,” Grant says as soon as I sit in the chair across from him.
“What’s the offer?”
“Five thousand under asking price, but we don’t have to sell it.” Grant sounds cautious.
“No, I want to. That’s a good offer. I say we take it.”
“Okay.” He stares down at his hands. “That obviously means you won’t be moving back in.”
“I’ve put a lot of thought into our conversation. I often feel like I have to do what’s best for everyone else, but sometimes that means I don’t do what’s best for me. Us being together tonight, I realized some things.”
“Go ahead.” He looks at me earnestly.
“It’s ideal that a child grows up with both parents in the home, but when that can’t happen, it doesn’t have to be awful. You’re a great dad, and I know you will love Amelia no matter what happens between us.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t want you to come back only because you believe it’s best for Amelia. You have to realize she is thriving because of us, not in spite of us.”
“You’re right. And I think you were correct the other night about me always trying to protect myself. It’s hard for me to trust people sometimes, but I’m going to work on it.”
“I’m sorry I let you down. I let myself down too.” He stares at the expensive wood flooring he insisted we buy.
“I know you are, and I don’t think you’d do it again.” I’m instantly lighter as the words exit my mouth.
“But it’s not enough, is it?”
“In a lot of ways, I still love you and always will. We had a good life together, and we made a pretty incredible little girl. I would have stayed with you forever. I would have sacrificed anything, including my own happiness, to keep our family together, but you obviously weren’t happy either.”
“Do you think counseling would have helped?”
“Maybe, maybe not. There were a lot of little things we did wrong that led us here. We didn’t communicate. We didn’t make each other a priority. We let the problems grow too big.”
“And it’s too late now?”
“I wish it wasn’t, but for me, it is.” It’s a heartbreaking thing to admit, but I’m also relieved to have made a decision.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
There is a trace of sadness in his voice when he speaks about Luke. “I am.” It’s weird admitting it for the first time to Grant, but I’m not going to hold back anymore.
“I won’t say I’m not disappointed, but I respect your decision. I won’t try to make this any harder on you. I owe you that.” He gives me a small smile.
“I don’t want to pain you with the details, but I’m not so sure Luke and I are going to be together.” My heart clenches.
“Why?”
“Different lives, different dreams,” I say dismissively. I appreciate his attempt to care, but this has to be uncomfortable for him. I’ve already said enough.
“Have we not learned anything?” He looks at me, head tilted.
“I know. I need to talk to him.”
By the time we finish our talk, the credits to Amelia’s movie are scrolling across the screen, and she has fallen asleep. Grant convinces me to leave her there. He even offers to bring her to me tomorrow.
I call Luke and listen to the Maroon 5 song he has as his ringtone. My heart pounds with enough force to make me seriously question if this is a good idea. After several bars of music, I’m sent to voicemail.
“Hi. It’s Jessica. I guess you already know that by seeing my name on your phone,” I ramble. “Anyway, I need to talk to you. I don’t like how things…I didn’t say some things I needed to. Ugh…I would rather talk to you in person, but I would settle for a phone call.”
He does not call back, and I don’t sleep.
Chapter 21
It’s still dark as I pull into the parking lot of It’s a Grind. The owner, Vince, is unlocking the doors as I exit my car. I order two large coffees, extra hot, so they will stay warm long enough for me to drink them both. The drive to San Francisco should take me about seven hours.
I make it in six.
I call Grant while I search for a place to park. I ask him if he will trade me weekends and keep Amelia for the next two days. He doesn’t ask why and says it’s not a problem.
I recognize the security guard at the front desk when I enter the lobby of Luke’s apartment building. Apparently he remembers me as well, because he allows me access to the elevators without calling up first. I examine myself in the shiny, reflective walls. Considering I’ve been awake for over twenty-four hours and just spent six hours in my car, I don’t look too bad. I step off the elevator and knock on his door.
My head is pounding again. This time it’s due to lack of sleep and an unhealthy amount of caffeine. I knock again. Now my heart is pounding too, trying to compete with my head.
I double-check the time on my phone and see it’s eleven thirty, too late for Luke to still be sleeping. He isn’t here, or he’s pretending not to be. To the best of my knowledge, he isn’t traveling this weekend, but he’s not answering his phone when I call, so I’m not positive. I could’ve called Aaron, but I didn’t want to drag him into this. I hope I didn’t waste my time coming here. I go back downstairs to see if the friendly security guard will give up any information about Luke and when he may be returning.
I press the elevator button and wait. The light blinks, indicating the elevator has arrived. I hear laughter as the doors open. I inhale sharply when I see who is inside. Luke turns his head toward me. The look of shock on his face isn’t exactly welcoming. The blonde standing next to him seems as startled to see me as I am to see her.
I consider running. I’m sure there has to be a stairwell around here somewhere. But I don’t. I freeze and summon every ounce of fortitude I possess. I drove a long way to talk to this man, and I need to do what I came here to do. I need to hear Luke’s responses for myself, no matter how painful it may be.
He gives me a hard stare before turning to the woman. “I’m sorry, but I have to deal with her. I’ll see you later tonight.” His words make my stomach churn. I don’t know if it hurts worse to hear him refer to me so coolly or knowing he has plans with this woman later.
“No problem, Luke.” She hesitates, not eager to leave.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, genuinely apologetic to be sending her away. I may vomit all over the designer wood planks. “I’ll call you when I’m done.” Luke steps out of the elevator.
She gives me a tight-lipped smile, not appearing the least bit threatened by me. I wish I could say the same. I’m only marginally relieved when the elevator doors close.
He walks past me and unlocks the door to his apartment. I follow him inside and notice for the first time he is in running clothes. Was the blonde wearing running clothes too? I can’t remember. Everything is blurry, like a dream. My legs weaken, and I stumble but catch myself against the doorjamb. Luke turns and grabs me around the waist. The nearness of him is excruciating. I want to wrap my arms around him, but I’m afraid I’ll only further embarrass myself if I do.
I don’t have the energy to even pretend to protest as he walks me the rest of the way into his apartment and sits me down on his couch. He leaves, and when he comes back, he is carrying a glass of water. I drink half of the contents before setting it down on the glass coffee table.
He takes a seat at the opposite end of the large couch. “You look awful.”
“Thanks,” I say sarcastically.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m just exhausted. I’ve been up all night, driving. I obviously didn’t plan this very well. You wouldn’t answer my calls, and then I get here and you’re wit
h another woman—”
“Jessica—”
“You don’t owe me an explanation. I’m simply stating why I look the way I do.”
“I don’t owe you an explanation,” he says in a controlled tone and runs a hand through his hair. “I saw the look on your face when the elevator opened.”
I retrieve the glass of water. I’m not particularly thirsty, but I need a distraction, however small.
“Her name is Christina.” I could have gone my entire life without knowing that. “She is our new partner. She was stopping by to pick up some files to review for a business dinner we’re attending tonight. She ran into me as I was finishing up my run and came up with me.”
“Oh.” My single-word response is quiet. I look at the glass. Instead of feeling relieved, I feel foolish for jumping to conclusions.
“Aaron and I knew when we met her we should bring her on board. She’s extremely smart and a great fit for the firm.” Luke crosses his arms. “So, what’s so important you came all this way to see me?”
My hands are shaking. I set the glass down carefully. “Since you won’t answer your phone, here I am.” Luke stares at me, waiting for me to continue. I swallow. My throat feels dry despite all the water I just drank. “I didn’t go back to Grant. I know it felt like I chose him, but I didn’t.”
“Well, you didn’t choose me,” Luke snaps, and I flinch.
“I didn’t not choose you. I needed time to think.”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing this entire time…thinking? You’ve been trying to think your way out of a relationship with me for weeks.”
“Is that what you believe I’ve been doing? No wonder you’re angry.” I shake my head. “I haven’t made this easy on you—or on myself for that matter. I was trying to do the right thing, but every decision left me feeling like I was doing something wrong.”
“Sounds like some issues a psychologist could help you with more than I can,” Luke replies dryly. He’s acting smug and cold, but I can see the hurt in his eyes.
“I’m not asking for you to fix anything for me. I want to be with you—”
“I know the ‘but’ is coming.”
“I’m concerned about things I haven’t had enough courage to talk to you about.”
“I’m all ears.” Luke works hard to keep his tone emotionless.
I take a big breath and release it. “I worry we don’t want the same things.”
“That’s a pretty vague statement. You’re going to have to be more specific than that.” He’s definitely not going to make this any easier.
“For starters, you live in San Francisco, and I live in Temecula. I know you love it here, but I can’t relocate.”
“I do like San Francisco. I like Temecula too. I already realized at some point I would need to move there.”
“What about Aaron? Won’t he have a problem with that? You have responsibilities to the business.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m capable of sorting out my own affairs.”
I remind myself that he’s upset and his attitude is reflecting that. If I want this conversation to go anywhere, I need to be patient. “Of course.”
“It’s part of the reason we hired Christina. Aaron and I already talked about me spending more time there and traveling less.” Luke tone is softening.
“You didn’t tell me that.”
“It was going to be a surprise.” He uncrosses his arms. “I’m assuming you have additional things on you mind.”
I take a deep breath. “You said you don’t want kids.”
“I did say that, and I also said I would make a good stepdad to Amelia someday.”
“You did, and that’s great. The thing is…what if I want more kids someday?”
“You never mentioned wanting more children.”
“I don’t know for sure, but I do know I’m not ready to close the door on that possibility.”
“Didn’t you tell me you didn’t want more? That you’re happy with one? If this is so important to you, why is this the first time we’re talking about it?”
I hear his confusion. I instantly regret that I haven’t been clearer with him. “I would be happy with one if that’s my fate, but I would like to try for at least one more. I could have been more upfront with you, but I was trying to navigate my own feelings before I burdened you with them. Whenever the subject was brought up, you were honest about not wanting kids of your own. I didn’t want to make it an issue until I knew for sure it mattered to me.”
He gets up, walks to the windows, and stares out at the city for several minutes.
“You determined we’re not compatible because I responded carelessly to a question I didn’t realize I was being asked.”
“You didn’t respond incorrectly. Some people don’t want kids, and that’s fine. It means we want different things in life though.”
“What if I change my mind?” He turns to face me.
“People don’t generally change their minds about something like this. I’m sure you have reasons why fatherhood isn’t appealing to you.”
“Maybe I simply haven’t been mature enough until now to make that kind of sacrifice.”
“A child shouldn’t be considered a sacrifice.”
“The child isn’t the sacrifice. The sacrifice is me letting go of some long-held beliefs about what kind of man I am.”
“What kind of man do you think you are?” I ask, tilting my head.
He sighs. “I didn’t exactly have the best role model for a father, and I realize how much like him I am. I’ve always thought I would be about as good a father as he was. I didn’t particularly want to put another kid through the stress of having a dad like that.”
“You may be like your dad in some ways, but not all. You don’t have any problem expressing your love for others,” I say softly.
“It wasn’t easy, living up to his expectations, but I managed. I’m arrogant and driven, like he is, like he taught me to be. It works for me in a lot of areas of my life, but those aren’t great qualities in a father.” Luke places his hands in the pockets of his hoodie.
“Just because you didn’t like how your father displayed those qualities, doesn’t mean you couldn’t use those same traits in a more positive way with your own kids.” I’m startled by his lack of confidence.
“Maybe, but what if I can’t? I don’t want to have kids that can’t stand to be in the same room with me.” He looks at his running shoes.
“Lucas Taylor, you have excelled at almost everything you have ever attempted. Why in the world would you assume being a father would be any different?”
“Because it is different. If I fail at anything else, it ultimately doesn’t matter. I mean, it does to me, but it doesn’t affect anyone else. Being a parent is different. I don’t want to mess up someone else’s life.”
“Then you don’t.”
“That’s a very oversimplified statement.”
“Not really. Sure, all parents make mistakes, but nobody really knows what they’re doing. It’s easier to get it right than you think. You love them and are there for them and try to do what’s best, and in the end, they end up all right.”
He shrugs.
“I didn’t come here to convince you to want kids, but I do believe you would make a great father. You push everyone to do their best, but you do it by building them up, not tearing them down. You love fiercely and have more compassion in you than you acknowledge. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there are some things you don’t give yourself enough credit for.”
He sits next to me on the couch. My heart races at his decision to be near me. He looks me in the eye to make sure he has my attention.
“Having a family hasn’t been a plan of mine for a very long time, but neither were you. You came back into my life and changed everything
. You are a game changer for me. I’ve experienced how I feel when I’m with you and how I feel when I’m not. I understand what’s at stake if I lose you again.”
“This isn’t something you can do for me.” I hide my trembling hands by folding them in my lap.
Luke smiles, and I hold my breath. “The truth is, I love kids. My reluctance to be a father has been about my fear of not being a good one. It’s a fear I’m ready to overcome. Besides, have you ever known me to do anything I didn’t want to?”
I breathe again, and a small laugh escapes. He takes my face in his hands and wipes away the tears that have spilled down my cheeks.
“My life was missing something for a long time. Then I found the youth center, and things improved. Then I found you again, and life got even better. I’m beginning to see that having a family may be exactly what I need.” He pauses and plants a small kiss on my hungry lips. “We need to promise each other something before we go any further.”
“What?” I croak.
“No more leaving. We stay and we talk and maybe we even fight, but we don’t leave. We are meant to be together.” His bright blue eyes are shining.
“No more leaving.”
When he presses his lips against mine again there is no doubt I’ve made the right choice. Our kiss finishes communicating everything we couldn’t find the right words to say.
I awaken in a dark room. I turn on the small lamp on the nightstand and reorient myself. I’m in Luke’s bed.
I pick up my phone from the nightstand to check the time. It’s seven o’clock. He won’t be home for a couple of hours from his business dinner. He told me I was welcome to come, but I declined. Luke left no room for me to feel threatened by Christina or any other woman. He’d told her all about me, and her advice was that he better fight for me and our relationship. I mistook her look on the elevator as one of pity because my relationship was ending. Now I realize it was a look of compassion, because she hoped it was a beginning.
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