by Toni Aleo
I snort. “What!”
“You heard me. I’m knocking you up again as soon as possible, and it better be a girl.”
I laugh at that. “And if it’s not?”
“Then we’re gonna have to keep trying.”
I hold Ryan close. I could go for a lot of kids. As long as James is with me. Beside me. Loving me forever. “Fine, and what will you name her?”
“Amelia. After my mom.”
It fills me with such joy and promise. “I love it.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
James cuddles beside me as we both gaze down at the beautiful baby boy we made. I don’t know what life will hold for us, but I know one thing for sure.
James will never leave me.
Us.
He’ll never leave us.
Twenty years later…
“Oh, James,” I whisper, moving my fingers along the slick wood beneath them. “What a life, huh? You gave me everything and anything I could possibly want. Not only did you give me the most unbelievable love, you gave me two wonderful kids.”
A slight drizzle has started, and it only makes sense that would happen. God knows I’m dying inside; the day should match, I guess. I clear my throat free of the sob as I whisper, “The kids are gonna do big things and be such amazing people.” I sniff back my tears, trying so hard to be strong. I know the kids are watching. Hell, everyone is probably watching. “Ryan was accepted into that PT program at Bellevue, just like you wanted. Isn’t that amazing? We got the notification the other day. We tried to be excited, but you know… It was hard, but I told Ryan you’d be so proud.”
My face hurts from trying not to cry, but I have to get through this. Not only for James but for me. “Talk is, there is going to be a gymnastics program at Bellevue, and Amelia wants to try to go there. I know what you’re thinking. Why? Send her off somewhere else, let her wings open so she can fly like she flies on those bars. But she doesn’t want to leave me.” I close my eyes as my tears spill down over my cheeks, and my heart feels dead in my chest.
“This last week, going through the pictures and remembering our life together, I can’t believe how happy we were. Even at our lowest, we loved each other so much. But there is one thing I regret,” I say through the sob that is trying to escape. “I regret not telling you that I loved you at every single turn that first year we were together. That you make my life better. That you complete me. That you are my only option, my everything.”
I fall to my knees, my face hot against the cool coffin beneath it. “But I’m so mad. You promised you’d never lie to me, and you didn’t for the last twenty years. Not even stupid little lies. You were so honest. But now…now, you’ve lied.” A sob racks my body as I hold on to the coffin as if it’s my husband and not a box that is only holding his body. “You promised never to leave me, but here we are. I know it’s not your fault. Stupid cancer, and believe me, I will continue to fight this battle to get rid of it. In your name. I’ll do everything in your name.”
Another sob bursts from me, and I hate how I’m letting go. But I can’t stop it. The last three months have been torture. It came so quickly, the cancer did. I guess that’s why they call prostate cancer the silent killer. It took James quicker than he could take my breath away. But even as he was dying, there wasn’t a day he didn’t tell me he loved me, that I was a great mom, and that his life was great because of me.
When he took his last breath, it was to tell me he loved me.
“Damn it, James,” I cry. “Who is going to protect me? Who is going to love me like you did? Who will love the kids with the patience and kindness you have? I don’t have that! You are the best father. How can I even try to step into your shoes? Damn it, I miss you so much.”
I slide off his coffin, holding my face in my hands as the sobs shake my body like an earthquake. Everything feels hopeless, out of place, and so very lonely. When I feel two pairs of arms come around me, I fall apart even more.
“Mom, it’s okay,” Ryan whispers, kissing my head. “I’ll always protect you and Amelia.”
Oh, my Ryan, the perfect replica of James. So kind, such a romantic.
“Don’t worry, Mommy. I will love you like Daddy did. We both will,” Amelia cries, wrapping her arms around me.
Amelia may look just like James, but Lord, she is me made over. She turned both of us gray before we needed to be, but that didn’t stop us from loving her. Our children are all I have. My last pieces of James.
I cling to them, needing my babies.
“Always,” Ryan says, holding me close, and guilt washes over me.
I’m supposed to be strong for these two, but they’re being strong for me.
Just like James.
Silence wraps around us except for our sobs, and I welcome it. I miss him. I miss the feel of him. I miss the taste of him. I miss his words. I miss the love of my life, and I always will. But I know my kids will continue to grow and become the perfect living legacy of him.
And I’ll never lose him.
Funny how I was so scared to give everything of myself to him because I thought he would leave me of his own choice. When, really, he was taken from me. And he didn’t go quietly. Every day that passed, he reminded me that he would always love only me.
And the same goes for me. I’ll never love anyone the way I love James Justice.
My only option.
Present day
Amelia
I slowly move my finger along the photo of Ryan and me holding my mom the day we buried my dad. Tears fall onto the photo album as a sob bubbles in my throat. The pain is just so fresh. I miss him. I miss my mom. I miss my brother and his girlfriend, Sofia. I miss my family.
I miss my life.
I just want to sit here quietly. I don’t want words, I don’t want to talk or anything, but my cousin Shelli doesn’t care. She came here for a reason, and if there is one thing I know about my cousin, she will be vocal about what’s on her mind. I didn’t even know this journal existed. I don’t know how Shelli knew or even found it, and I don’t want to know why.
It hurts too bad.
“How?”
Shelli smiles, though she looks completely terrified. “Aunt Grace gave it to me.”
It’s like a punch to the gut. I love my mom, she knows that, but when she can’t reach me, she uses any means necessary. “She said to tell you she’s never shown this to anyone since it has her innermost thoughts. She showed it to Uncle James when he got cancer.”
Fresh tears fall down my cheeks, falling onto my shirt as I inhale hard. “She doesn’t play fair.”
Shelli shakes her head grimly. “None of us do.”
I miss my family so much.
Shelli goes on, “She wanted you to see this. All this. What Aunt Grace and Uncle James had is love. Undeniably insane love. I don’t understand how you are confusing that with what you have right now.”
She reaches for my face, but she stops midway when I flinch. I know my busted lip, my black eyes, and the cuts along my cheeks scare her. They terrify me, but what can I do? I close my eyes, my tears spilling down my cheeks faster. I was convinced Drew was the one. That he would love me like my dad loved my mom. Unfortunately, his love is nothing like my dad’s.
The first year was great. We were good and happy, but then he got knocked back to the minors after only six months with the Flyers. He wasn’t performing for them the way they wanted. And then, everything I did was wrong. When he hit me the first time, I was sure it was my fault. I have a bit of a mouth on me, and I can be an asshole. He apologized like crazy, promising he’d never do it again. But he did. It used to be just my body, but then he went for my face and he didn’t stop.
When I looked in the mirror on Monday, I realized this isn’t on me. It’s on him. But how do I leave? How do I accept that this is over and let my family be right? I didn’t even mean to call Shelli, but she came running. And she brought an arsenal in the form of a journal
of my mom’s.
“I know your pride is holding you back. I know you don’t want to believe this is the end. But look at me,” Shelli insists, taking my face in her hands, careful of my wounds. “You deserve more than this. More than him. And you need to come with me.”
I talk through a sob. “Where would I go?”
Shelli gathers me in her arms, holding me tightly but carefully as I cry. When her body breaks with a sob, it hurts me even more. That’s our relationship, though. When one of us cries, so does the other. We’re more sisters than we are cousins. With mom and Uncle Shea being twins, it only made sense that our families would grow up together. “I don’t care as long as we leave here. We don’t have to go home. Grandma and Grandpa have a house down in Carolina that I’m sure they’ll let us use until you are on your feet and ready to face the family.”
“Shelli—”
“Hear me out,” she insists, pulling back to look at me, and her words break my heart. My dad always said that. Hear me out. It was his go-to when Mom and I started acting crazy. Sad to say, he said it a lot. Mom and I are a bit hard to handle.
“At the beginning, you thought you had what your mom and dad had and my mom and dad have, right?”
“Yes,” I cry. I’m not naïve. I know now I didn’t have that, but I’m hardheaded. I don’t want to accept failure.
“Answer me this. Would Aunt Grace let your dad treat her like how Drew is treating you?”
I shake my head. “My dad would never.”
“Exactly. And would my dad ever do this to my mom?”
Once more, I shake my head. “Never.”
“So, tell me, Amelia. Should you let yourself be treated that way?”
My lips wobble as I slowly shake my head. “No.”
Shelli cries out as she wraps her arms around me again. I hold her close, crying into her shoulder. I don’t know why I allowed this to happen to me for so long. I gave up everything I had in Tennessee. A scholarship for gymnastics, friends, my family—all for Drew. Now, I’ll have nothing. Well, I’ll have Shelli and the rest of my family when I allow them back in. I’m terrified, but Shelli is right. I can’t live like this.
I have to go. Problem is, I honestly don’t know what will happen to me. Dad always said that I was built like my mom, strong and resilient. That I can do anything I put my mind to. He would tell me stories of how Mom would always land on her feet and work hard until she succeeded.
That I was just like her.
I want to be her, and dammit, I want a love like she had. While I can’t even think about loving anyone right now, I know that when I am ready, I only want one thing.
I want a man to love me like my dad loved my mom, right up until his dying day.
I want my option two.
The End
Want more of Amelia? Her story is coming January 29th 2019!!!
Preorder now!
Also by Toni Aleo
NASHVILLE ASSASSINS
Breaking Away
Laces and Lace
A Very Merry Hockey Holiday
Wanting to Forget
Overtime
Rushing the Goal
Puck, Sticks, and Diapers
Face-off at the Altar
Delayed Call
Twenty-Two
In the Crease
Bellevue Bullies Series
Boarded by Love
Clipped by Love
Hooked by Love
End Game
Taking Risks
Whiskey Prince
Becoming the Whiskey Princess
Whiskey Rebellion
Patchwork Series
(Paranormal)
Pieces
Broken Pieces
Spring Grove Novels
(Small-town romances)
Not the One
Small-Town Sweetheart!
Standalones
Let it be Me
Two-Man Advantage
Misadventures
(Standalones)
Misadventures with a Rookie
Misadventures of a Manny
Assassins Series
Taking Shots
Trying to Score
Empty Net
Falling for the Backup
Blue Lines
ABOUT TONI ALEO
My name is Toni Aleo, and I’m a #PredHead, #sherrio, #potterhead, and part of the #familybusiness!
I am also a wife to my amazing husband, mother of a gamer and a gymnast, and also a fur momma to Gaston el Papillion & Winnie Pooh.
While my beautiful and amazing Shea Weber has been traded from my Predators, I’m still a huge fan. But when I’m not cheering for him, I’m hollering for the whole Nashville Predators since I’ll never give my heart to one player again.
When I’m not in the gym getting swole, I’m usually writing, trying to make my dreams a reality, or being a taxi for my kids.
I’m obsessed with Harry Potter, Supernatural, Disney, and anything that sparkles! I’m pretty sure I was Belle in a past life, and if I could be on any show, it would be Supernatural so I could hunt with Sam and Dean.
Also, I did mention I love hockey, right?
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Acknowledgments
To my family: thank you for supporting me. I know this hasn’t been an easy summer.
To my betas: thank you for being patient. I know you’ve wanted something new to read, and I’ve been hiding.
To Lisa: thank you for always being so supportive and kind.
To my readers: I love you, and I thank you.