The Darkness in Me

by Diane Nortje

  “Little one.” He says to me as his voice breaks. He looks away from me, his eyes can no longer hold my own. I watch as he brings his fists to his eyes and clenches his jaw. He holds still like that for a few moments and once he drops his hands, a new resolve has come over him. The sadness in his eyes has been replaced by the cold detached look I have been given a few times.

  “Little one, you have become so ingrained in me, that I’m no longer whole without you. You have consumed my thoughts, my mind, my body and my soul.” Jacin whispers softly into my ear. He runs his fingers lightly over my arms that are still bound above my head, sending shivers down my body. I want to shout at him, I want to scream at him, I have no clue what he is doing. My struggles go unnoticed by him.

  He continues to trace my body, my face slowly, softly with his fingers, memorizing each path he takes. “You will not remember me; your life will continue like we had never happened. That is the sacrifice I had to make to protect you from what hunts me.” He whispers into my ear, while slowly kissing his way down my face. I try to moan, I try to talk, nothing comes out, his spell has locked me into silence.

  “You are my light in so many ways, yet you play so well with the darkness that consumes me. I won’t ever forget you, not in this lifetime and or the many lifetimes I must endure without you.” He whispers while placing a light kiss on my lips.

  “You are my love and his mate, I would have waited a thousand more years to find you, and I will wait another thousand years until you return to me.” He says to me while he continues to kiss his way down my throat towards my breasts.

  “If this is all the time the gods have given us, I am grateful, waiting these long years for you has been worth it. If my memories are the only forever we were meant to have, I will hold onto them, and never forget them. You are my one, my only, my biggest surprise, my greatest love and my astronomical loss. You are my mate. My other half of my black soul.” He continues to whisper out to me while kissing his way back up to my lips that are sealed shut by his magic.

  “My only regret was not finding you sooner. Not loving you longer.” He says to me, I’m sure I hear the break in his voice. I don’t know why he is doing this, it can’t be just for my protection. He kisses me, a soul altering, soul breaking kiss. A good bye kiss. And there is nothing left to do but kiss him back, until he is the first to break the kiss. To break my heart.

  “You will be protected always, you will fear nothing. And if the gods allow it, after everything is finished, and your seat beside me is no longer challenged, I will come for you. I will make you fall in love with me again, I will make you remember whose soul you hold within your own.” He continues to whisper to me, his eyes running over my face, like he is trying to remember every detail.

  “Sleep Natalie, when you wake, I will be gone, I won’t even be a memory for you. But you, you will haunt me until the end of my days. Sleep little one, dream no more of me.” He says to me with more force than necessary, and I feel the spell take place inside me, I try to fight it, I try to push it out of my system, but it’s too strong and before I can stop myself, I close my eyes, to a dreamless dream.

  ~Jacin~

  I don’t move from where I’m looking down at Natalie’s sleeping form. She won’t wake up from the sleep I put her under. And when she does awaken, she won’t remember a thing. More importantly she won’t remember me. Hopefully she will stay safe and alive until I can return to her.

  I bring forth the beast once more, the one that resides inside me. He must do what I need him to do. He had his chance with her. He fucking blew it by trying to remain in control. I fought him, and I regain control, but barely. He doesn’t want to do this anymore than I want to. Saying goodbye to her was enough. I’ve never known heartbreak until I saw the tear fall from her beautiful grey eye.

  I almost changed my mind, I was about to release the binding spell on her, and continue where I left off with her, her riding my cock. But her safety won out, and my need for her was put away. The constant war within me, why the fuck bring her into my life when I must push her back out of it. Why have a fucking prophecy? If they had told me hundreds of years ago, that it would be my love for a woman that would bring my downfall, I would have laughed in there faces. And I did when I found out.

  Until I saw her. Until I felt her. Until I had her. And it was enough to make me kneel. A crown of gold to kneel to a crown of thorns and bones. I let out a frustrated sigh. I find him in the back of my mind, always present, always alert, always waiting.

  “Do what I need you to do.” I instruct him.

  He doesn’t answer me. But I feel the magic leave my body, and I watch as Natalie breathes it into her. The magic is ever ending, the stream of black smoke coming from inside my body, is not something I have ever seen before, but I feel no different as it leaves my body. She continues to breathe the smoke in, but I feel no break in the bond, no nothing. Only her. Minutes feel like hours until I feel nothing, no pain, no want, not even her.

  I stare down at her form once more. The spell I put her under should allow her to sleep a few more hours. I memorize her face, the swell of her lips, the curve of her nose, the arch of her brow. Everything. Because I know this isn’t permanent. I need to remember her like this, so when I find her again, I will make her mine once more.

  I had no other choice, I had to let her go. If they can’t link us, they can’t find her, and she will be protected. I will hide her, from everything that wants to destroy us, to destroy me, to destroy her. I will kill the lot and then make her mine once more. And I will fight to have her back, but for now, I will deny myself her and she must continue to live. Live like she was always supposed to have without me in her life.

  “Is it done?” Weyland asks me. I quickly cover Natalie with the covers, I never even heard him enter the room, I was too engrossed in what the beast was doing to Natalie.

  I want to say yes, but I feel no different than I did before other than nothing. I’m not sure what it is supposed to feel like. What am I supposed to feel? Numb? I want to say I do feel those things, but I don’t. I just feel nothing.

  “Is it done?” I ask the beast within me.

  He takes a while to answer. Does he feel the loss? I would know, I should know. I feel everything he feels. “It is done.” He whispers back to me. But I feel his excitement rise. Not the reaction I thought I would get from him.

  “Yes, it is done.” I say to Weyland who patiently waits for my answer.

  I watch as Weyland stares down at her sleeping form. I don’t feel the jealousy that would normally come forth when another looks at her, but Weyland isn’t looking at her like that, his eyes carry pity, remorse for what we have done to her. It was for the best, I know it, and he knows it.

  “Take her back, Weyland, make sure the five stay with her always.” I say to him, breaking his trance.

  “Are you sure this is a good idea? What if she starts to remember?” He asks me, he knows better than to question me, but he still continues to do so.

  “She won’t, its permanent. It’s for the best, so just take her back!”

  “Sounds like you are regretting your decision already?” Weyland states, and I feel the anger in me start to rise.

  “I feel nothing.” I say to Weyland. I just need to keep telling myself that. Not anger, not regret, not lust, not love. Nothing.

  “So, it was just the bond, you weren’t falling for her?” Weyland asks me.

  “Clearly not.” I say to him. “Now take her back, I must call the fog in.”

  I stand and move to the window. If I feel nothing, why can’t I watch her go? Why would I then care if the five watched over her and protected her? I have a moral compass apparently. That has to be it. Guilt that I put her through this. I’ve seen what happens when one loses their mate, never ends well. I just hope it doesn’t have the same effects.

  “Jacin.” Weyland says from somewhere behind me, I can’t look anymore at her sleeping form. He must just take her already.


  “Weyland, please, just fucking take her home.” I beg of him. I never beg. Never.

  “Jacin, she is home.” Weyland murmurs to me. “What happens if she remembers. What happens if she wakes up one day and it has come back to her?”

  I don’t look at him. I keep my eyes to the window I have been staring at. What if she does wake up and remembers everything. I know what will happened. And a small part of me hopes she will, and she will make me pay for this, but in the bigger picture, I hope she continues with her life as she was meant to.

  I take in a deep sigh, I keep telling myself that I feel nothing. And I feel the beast inside me stirring, unease coming off him in waves. But I choose to ignore it. To go against my better judgement. I finally hear Weyland leave the room, hopefully with Natalie.

  I chance a look back, and the room is empty, with no here but myself and the monster I possess. I know Weyland can still hear me, even from afar, even half way across the world. I reign, I control, I kill, I sin, I am death, I am king, I kneel to no one. Until her.

  I shake my head at that thought. Until her. Until she returns.

  “God save us if she does.” I say to an empty room, and turn back to look out the window, into nothing, but darkness.

  THE END FOR NOW….