by A.O. Chika
You said I deserved it
You said I asked for it
Do you remember
Because I do
Do you remember when you pulled my hair
And told me no one would come to help me
You must be happy I suppose
You have ruined and broken me
Do you remember
Because I do
You have me laughing at my shadows
You have me sleepless at night
Do you remember
Because I do
You have me buying ropes and pills
I hope you see me limp and lifeless
I hope you regret everything
But you know, that still wouldn’t change a thing
Do you remember
Because I do
Your grunts are ingrained in my brain
You have me flinching at my own tears
You might forget everything
But now I never can
SLEEP PARALYSIS
Its dark cold and I’m scared
There’s a hand wrapped around my throat,
My lungs are bursting with the need to breathe
My heart is slamming in my chest
Wakeupwakeupwakeup
There’s a drumming in my ears
My hands are trembling
I think they are but I can’t see or feel them
My chest hurts and my face feels wet
I’m crying aren’t I
I can’t see anything
I snap my eyes open and the fog clears away
I look around and there’s someone next to me
Its black and shadowy and shit I’m scared
But I can tell it’s a woman
I think it is
Leavemeleavemeleaveme
I gasp for breath and she doesn’t even move
What did I ever do to you
Somebody please get her away from me
It’s just me and her
I try to feel my finger and I’m lucky because it twitches
There’s a laughter in my head and I think I’m losing it
My body feels heavy and I can’t feel my bed anymore
I’m sorry I’m sorry please
Somebody help me
I’m drowning I’m sinking I’m falling apart
My fingers are free and I try to push her off
She’s stronger than she looks and the laughter continues
I’m afraid I really am
I don’t want this
I’m sorry for whatever I did to you
Please don’t kill me, I’m so sorry I’ll do anything
I open my mouth but nothing comes out
I’m gonna die aren’t I
Why am I still alive
My chest hurts and it’s been minutes yet I’m still here
I can’t feel my heart beating but It doesn’t matter
With renewed strength I push her away
And something is wrong because I’m still on my bed
But I can see myself running away from her
I can see myself pushing her away
I can see myself reaching for the light switch
I can see my fingers inches away from the switch
And I’m back on the bed like it never happened
There’s no woman
The light switch is still far away
But I’m drenched in sweat and my chest hurts
I feel like I never left the bed but I know I did
I don’t want to sleep anymore
YOUR SMILE
Your smile is breathtaking
Your laughter reminds me of the moon
I would do anything for you and you know it
Your kisses mean the world to me
I love you more than life itself
Your smile is frustrating
What are you doing next to him
I’m better than him, is he really just a friend
Why do you need him near
I love you more than life itself
You smile is maddening
No, he is not just a friend
I know you are thinking of going back to him
I would do anything for you
I love you more than life itself
Your smile is pathetic
Don’t you dare back away from me
Stop making it look like I’m the one at fault
I don’t want to hurt you
I love you more than life itself
Your smile is accepting
You really understand me don’t you
I didn’t mean to hurt you or make you cry
I’m sorry I got insecure
I love you more than life itself
Your smile is breathtaking
If you leave me I would die
You don’t want me angry and broken do you
Your laughter lights up my day
I love you more than life itself
HEARTBREAK
Scream Scream Break die
I’m not evil you made me like this
Can I tell you a secret
I don’t want to do this to you either
Bleed Hurt Beg Scream
It’s all I can think about
I love you I still do
But it hurts too much to think straight
I’m a coward I’ve always been
And it’s all in my head
In reality I’m in bed crying
I don’t know why you left me even though I do
Lie Smile Scream Beg
You’ll come running back to me
I know you won’t
But I will pretend anyway it’s all I have left
Break Break Cry Please
Please don’t leave me
It’s too late to say that though
You left me you broke up with me yesterday
I’m a coward I’ve always been
And this is all in my head
I want to hurt you so bad
But I’m not strong enough to be close to you yet
Stop Please Please Beg
Maybe this is all a phase
Maybe we are just on a break
I love you so much I can’t live without you
Don’t leave come back
I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done
I need you too much
Is it someone else is there someone better than me
I’m pathetic I’ve always been
I can’t bear to see you
But I can’t bear to be without you either
I’ll do anything you want just take me back
Cry Beg Scream Please
When will the pain fade
Everything reminds me of you
I still want to hurt you but I don’t want to either
Blur Blur Red Pain
I can’t eat or breathe
There’s too much red to think
Maybe this is all a dream and you are still mine
I’m a coward I’ve always been
I hide myself and cry
Afraid you’ll see me and sigh
I want to pretend to be over you but I’m not
IT’S NOT HER, IT’S ME
I’m not sure what I’m doing
Shouldn’t I be excited
She is beautiful and breathtaking
Her shampoo smells like lilac and pineapples
A terrible combination though
Her laughter is refreshing
Her dimples are adorable
She has the body most people dream off
She is perfect both in and out
Her lips are on mine
Why isn’t my heart racing
There are goosebumps on my body
I think I’m getting sick
Her lips are soft though
I k
iss her back because why not
Her smile should have me hard
She is winking and biting her lips
It should be sexy shouldn’t it
Her red curls frame her face nicely,
Her pink lips are kinda inviting
She is taking her clothes off
She’s taking way too long though
Ah it’s a striptease
I’m still not aroused
Her pink bra holds her breasts nicely
Another guy would have reacted
But nothing is happening
Her eyes dart to my crotch
There is a confused look on her face
And now she looks determined
She is taking off her pants
Her panties are nice I guess
Pink looks good on her
She is fondling her breasts
Who says fondling these days
Oh shit, now I’m confused
Her fingers are down her panties
What am I supposed to do
She is moaning and I’m lost
And not in a sexy way
Would it be rude to walk away
I hope not because I can’t do this
I don’t want to touch her
At least not in a sexual way
She is getting frustrated
I think she noticed the lack of arousal
She is walking towards me
She’s asking questions I can’t answer
The poster on her wall looks nice
He has a nice smile
He’s built really nicely too
I wish I had his body
He’d look good naked
She just slapped me
She looks betrayed
She looks at the poster and then me
I don’t want to be here anymore
I should apologize to her
It’s not her, it’s me
MY DADS
I have two dads
Let’s call them dad and Pops
Pops works as a plumber
And Dad owns a landscape company
I hate my neighbors
Mrs. B hates me too though
She says I need a Mum
She says something is wrong with Dad
Dad hates her too
She leaves pamphlets for us
And it makes Pops very angry
Sometimes he shouts and he walks away
But he comes back
He always comes back with gifts
And a very long kiss for dad
They are kind of gross but I don’t want a Mum
Sally is angry
She says we are not friends anymore
That makes two friends that have left me
It’s okay at least I still have my dads
Sometimes I wish I had a Mum
Not like Mrs. B but someone nice
To cook for me and buy me ice-cream
But Pops already does that so I’m good
I hate school
The other kids hate me too
And they say mean things to me
They laugh at me and make fun of my dads
Dad is angry
He comes back from work looking mad
His phone is on the table
So I hide grab it and run to my room
I call Pops
He sounds mad too I can tell
But he says he’s coming home
He says he’s sorry but I don’t know what for
I want a Mum
Maybe she can calm them down
I don’t want my dads to be angry
I want them to make kissy faces and be gross
Dads are gross
But they are happy now it’s still gross though
Pops is baking and singing in the kitchen
And Dad is looking at him like he’s hungry
I don’t like women
They shout too much
I don’t think they like me either
Because they always give me the stink eye
Women like Dad
Dad doesn’t like women though
Sometimes Pops and I laugh at it
Because dad looks so uncomfortable, it’s funny
I have no friends
But I don’t mind anymore
I have two awesome dads
And they are the bestest dads in the whole world
SELF HARM
I’ve never cut myself
But I’ll understand if you do
I can’t blame you
It must feel so good
I can picture it
I’ll use a knife not a blade
A blade can easily slip
And things can turn bad fast
It won’t be big
Just a small cut is enough
It’ll sting when I take a bath
But I’ll cover it up with band aids
Bandages are fine too
I know it’ll feel good
When I take it off and scratch it
The sweet pain will make me feel alive
I won’t do much
I won’t get addicted
Only amateurs are that foolish
One or two cuts a week is fine
It’s a bit salty
The coppery taste of my blood
Dulls everything else leaving me behind
Why use drugs when the knife is enough
It’s cheaper too
I pity those who spend money on drugs
I’m healthy I don’t drink or smoke
My body is a temple and it’s all I need
The cut is tiny
And it feels so good
But I want it bigger so I can feel it
Maybe I should go deeper it’ll be even better
I can see the white
But the white is turning into red
It hurts but the pain is expected
I’m doing this for the sweetness afterwards
It’s a mess
It stings as I use water to clean it up
More red pours and my heart slams in my chest
My grip on the kitchen sink tightens
I am confused
I don’t sway I haven’t lost much blood then
Maybe I should go sleep for a while
Then everything will be fine I hope it does
It’s still bleeding
And It’s getting worse so is the pain
I reach for the phone and I stagger
Maybe I tripped on something yea maybe
It’s dark and then it’s bright
I’m not sure but maybe I just blinked
But I think I’ll need a new bulb though
The room isn’t as bright as it was before
It’s dark again
Now there’s a bit of light
My eyelids are heavy my heart is racing
Where are my arms I can’t feel anything
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME
Pleasepleasepleaseplease
Oh God I don’t want to die here
It’s dark again
I never cut myself
But I understand if you do
I won’t blame you
It’s scary but good
REVIEW
Thank you for reading this book. Please feel free to send me a short prompt or word you’d like me to use to compose a poem for you. I love a good challenge.
However, I ask that you keep in mind that the poem would not be fluffy but would take a dark turn whether bloody, emotional or psychological.
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UPCOMING NOVELS
A.O Chika is currently working on two books.
1.Can You See Me – A YA LGBT coming of age Novel about identity crisis
and teenage social issues such as peer pressure, First love, first time sexual experience, drug abuse & family crisis.
SYNOPSIS:
Growing up in a typical Yoruba household in Lagos, Nigeria. Angela Bello is used to a few things such as her reserved father with a potential alcohol problem, a mother with trust issues, and constantly compared with her three brothers.
What she isn’t used to, is developing a crush on her best friend Anita who of course doesn’t feel the same, it certainly isn’t a coincidence that her brothers keep saying ‘homos bastards should just die’.
Seeing a chance to leave Nigeria she takes it, happy to be far away from home and happy at the chance to figure out herself. On coming to Kenya, she meets and falls in love with Derrick and assumes that whatever was wrong with her is fixed.
She doesn't expect the metaphoric can of worms that comes from her relationship with Derrick and most definitely did not expect her lack of arousal or sexual interest.
Watch the Book Trailer on YouTube Here
2.Nevea – A lesbian Mermaid Romance Novella about a young mermaid on her quest for love. She goes through several experiences such as attempting speed dating, a sexual encounter with a client as well as many other hilarious moments.
SYNOPSIS:
Nevea is one of the few mermaids in Ekron that does not look like a pinup model neither does she wants a prince charming to sweep her off her feet. She’d rather have a princess.
Being single sucks and she knows it’s not her because… well, she has a charming personality, a stable career and a nice face, the problem is just everyone else.
The frustrating thing is that she isn’t even asking for much, the only requirements are:
Be financially stable.
Be hot as fuck.
Be smart.
Have good taste in food.
Be kinky or, at least, willing to experiment in bed.
Of course, things don’t always go the way she wants and after blind dates that go wrong, awful speed dating experiences, almost sex with a MARRIED client in the company’s bathroom, she is going to deal with whoever came up with the quote ‘There are many fishes in the sea’.
Now she only wants one thing in a prospective partner:
BE SINGLE with reasonable Kinks!
SUBSCRIBE
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
A.O. Chika is a YA LGBTQIA Author, Poet, Graphic designer and several other careers choices she has taken in her quest to find herself.
She is Nigerian by nationality but resides in Nairobi, Kenya where she spends her time trying to figure out shortcuts to writing a novel without much effort, and the secrets to getting amazing abs without working out.
When she isn’t writing or posting stuff on social media, she is fangirling and binge reading fanfiction on Japanese animation.
Sometimes she makes very detailed plans on world domination.
Find A.O. Chika on:
Email: [email protected]
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