Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Diego said, “Hello, Ma’am. I saw your training flight on the screen. Very impressive.”

  Morning Flower said, “Skaw Tee built us very impressive ships to fly. We just do our best.”

  Wet Bobcat said, “I saw you before. You are Chaw Chee. I saw you help gather the pieces of a ship when it crashed.”

  Diego looked a little stunned. He said, “Yes, Ma’am, I’m Diego Cachi. Your people saw us gathering a wreck up?”

  Wet Bobcat said, “Just me. Mountain View told me to leave camp for half a moon, because I was hard to get along with. I hid in the edge of the woods and watched you. The other Smallfoot say you are Captain, like Bawb. They did what you said.”

  Diego replied, “I remember. It was in Mark Twain National Forest. I kept thinking we were being watched, but I couldn’t see anybody. I thought we were close to a pot field or something.”

  Nikki said, “That’s amazing! You two almost met back on Earth? What are the odds of that?”

  Wet Bobcat said, “It’s not that amazing, Nick Kee, I went to the crash to make sure if it was a slave ship, all the slavers had died, and none of our people were caught in the crash. Chaw Chee went to get the parts. Big woods, but only one saucer.”

  Nikki replied, “And you were thrown out of the hiding place at the time for attitude problems? You’ll fit in just fine, Wet Bobcat.”

  I said, “I bet Jennie is in a hurry to get on the ground. Why don’t you get her down here, and we’ll send her back with one of these ladies?”

  Diego said, “I already told her to hustle down here, or she’d have to wait for the next ship. There she is, getting off the transit.” She walked up to me, came to attention, and asked, “Permission to go ashore, Sir?”

  “Of course. We’ll be down as soon as we clear up a few details.”

  Pouncing Fox spoke up. “Ride with me, Charlie would like to meet you, I’m sure.”

  Jennie looked at me, as if asking my advice. I said, “He’s good people, but he’s way sharper than he looks.” Just then, I caught sight of him wandering around the bay, looking at ships and talking to bots. I hollered, “Hey, Charlie. C’mere a minute.”

  I must have caught him by surprise, because he looked around to see who had hollered. I waved him in, and he figured out who I was. He shouted, “Uncle Bob!” and started toward me at a dead run. I braced, and sure enough, I got the flying hug. I said, “Charlie, I want to introduce you to some folks. This fella here is Diego Cachi, and this is Jennie Stone. They’re astronauts. Diego, Jennie, this here is Charlie Miller, professional purveyor of orneriness.”

  Jennie said, “So, Bob’s your uncle?”

  Charlie said, “No, Greg and me just call him that. He’s just a good friend that helped both of us out when we needed it.”

  Diego said, “He did that for us, too. Maybe we ought to call him uncle.”

  Charlie replied, “No disrespect, Sir, but ain’t you a little old to be doing that?”

  Diego laughed. “I suppose I am. I sure am glad he came along when he did, though.”

  Charlie said, “Me too. My Grandpa was in a bad way before Mr. Branham fixed him up.”

  Jennie asked, “How did you meet Bob?”

  I said, “Little turkey caught me putting a truckload of Mountain House on a spaceship. He tracked down my license plate and got ahold of me.”

  Charlie said, “Well, you did wink at me when you saw me in the bushes, I figured you couldn’t be too bad.”

  Nikki said, “Have you figured out you were wrong, now that he put you to work?”

  Charlie replied, “Fred says, ‘Love what you do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.’ I think that fits me pretty good. I do wish you’d wake me up a few of them Marines I keep hearing about, to keep the young bucks out of my garlic, Uncle Bob.”

  “Ace just took off. He’s going to look and see who you’ve got to wake up.”

  Charlie replied, “If it’s just them big cargo bots he’s looking for, we’ve got a wad of those. Hard workers, they can keep up with a Squatch. It’s funny, though. They’ve got this one smaller bot, looks like he was made out of spare parts, but he hangs with the big guys. If there’s an easy way to do a job, he’ll find it.”

  I said, “Gene, could you ask Andre to come down here, alone, ready to deploy to the planet?”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Charlie said, “So the ship listens for you wherever you are?”

  Nikki said, “Pretty much. We had to make some rules about our cabin.”

  I said, “It still confuses me a little. Gene, the ship, is a she, by convention. Gene, the AI that runs the ship, is male by choice.”

  Diego said, “That is tough to wrap your head around, but you’ll get it, Boss.”

  Pouncing Fox spoke up. “Sorry, Captain, but I had a question.”

  I said, “I’ll try and answer it. What do you want to know?”

  “On the throttle of the new ships, there is a button that wasn’t in the simm-you-later. It is marked ‘Overdrive’. What does it do?”

  I replied, “I don’t know, but I do know who to ask. Just a minute, while I get his tin heinie over here.”

  I said, “Gene, please inform Ozzie I will break all the strings on his bass, if he isn’t here in the next two minutes.” Ozzie came streaking across the bay. He did a little pantomime of panting and trying to catch his breath, then he said, “Yes, Boss?”

  I said, “These ladies found a button marked ‘Overdrive’, that they weren’t expecting. Care to explain?”

  “Oh, sure, Boss. We found out that we had put in more structural strength than we thought we had, so we bumped up the emitters a little. It happened after we went to FTL, so it didn’t make the training course. We decided the best course was to leave it the way the training course said it was, and just add a button to access the extra power.”

  I asked, “How much?”

  Ozzie replied, “It only goes to a hundred and eight percent, Boss. If I had snuck in any more reinforcement in the structure, Scotti would have caught it.”

  I replied, “That sounds more like the Ozzie I know. What are the limitations?”

  Ozzie said, “I oversized the cooling enough you don’t have to worry about it heating up, but there wasn’t room for a bigger grav plate. When you punch the button, you’ll feel the extra acceleration.”

  Wet Bobcat said, “Cool!”

  I said, “One more thing, since you seem to be the force of chaos inside Scotti’s design team. The ladies would like a two-seater version, so they can demonstrate to prospective recruits. How tough would that be?”

  Ozzie thought a moment. Then he said, “Well, Boss, there’ll be no way to keep the railgun. We’ll have to stretch the fuselage, which will weaken it enough we’ll have to lose the overdrive. Other than that, no sweat.”

  I asked Morning Flower, “Does that sound about right?”

  She replied, “That would be just fine, Bawb.”

  I asked Ozzie, “How soon?”

  Ozzie said, “Most of the parts I can pull out of the normal production for the new fighters. If I put in the printer orders for the custom bits right now, I can have it in the black tomorrow afternoon.”

  I said, “Go for it. When Scotti asks, tell her it was my order.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Andre came running up. “Yes, Boss?”

  I replied, “Charlie here says he has a lot of your old friends down on the planet. He even mentioned one fella who looks like he was built out of a parts bin. Would you mind going along and whispering a good word in these fellas’ ears?”

  Andre said, “Not at all, Boss, but if you want them opened up all the way, you’ll have to do it. I don’t have enough rank to invoke that second unlock code.”

  “You get them started. The first code will be enough to help keep Charlie’s garlic from growing legs. I’ll give them the other one when I get there.”

  Andre said, “Sounds like a plan, Boss. Who’s Charlie?”

&n
bsp; I pointed him out. Charlie said, “Pleased to meet you, Andre.”

  Andre squatted, to be on eye level with Charlie. “I’m pleased to meet you as well. I have heard stories about you.”

  Charlie replied, “My Uncle Bob can be a little windy. He probably told it better than it happened.”

  “That may be, but I heard about you from Taz and Ruth.”

  Morning Flower said, “Is that everyone we need to take back with us, Bawb?”

  I replied, “I think so. If you left anyone, we’ll bring them when we come.”

  Gene said, “If I may, Captain?”

  I said, “Sure, Gene.”

  Gene came over the speakers in Galactic, and then English, finishing up with decent Sasquatch. He said, “Charlie’s Planet personnel, your transport is leaving. Please report to the launch bay. If you need directions, just ask in a clear voice, and I will provide you a light trail.”

  Genny and Leelee came into the bay. Leelee saw me and came running. I braced for another flying hug. After impact, she said, “Hi, Bob. This is a big ship you’ve got. I’ve never seen one like it.”

  I replied, “It’s very old. We found it abandoned and fixed it up.”

  Genny came up. “Hi, Bob. This is an amazing ship. I had heard old stories that the Commonwealth once had a Navy, but I never believed them.”

  “The story I’ve heard is that the Commonwealth expected to find hostile aliens, and never did, so they mothballed the Navy and forgot it existed. Someone stumbled on to the Navy yard and decided to refit this ship as a colony ship. They had some very bad luck and had to abandon ship. We found her adrift and let the bot crew bring her back to flyable condition.”

  Genny asked, “They could have fixed her up at any time?”

  I replied, “Physically, yes. Nobody on the last crew gave them permission to do so, before they abandoned ship.”

  A Squatch came wandering into the bay and found his way aboard a ship. Morning Flower said, “That’s the last one. Load up. See you soon, Bawb.”

  “Fly safe.”

  Nikki and I watched them leave and headed back to the bridge. Diego went back to what he was doing. Snitz was waiting for us when we got off the transit. I scratched his ears, and we went in. Topper sang out, “Captain on the bridge!” I replied, “As you were. Mr. Topper, I have the conn.”

  “Aye, Sir, you have the conn.” Nikki had elected to let Ruth fly the approach, rather than relieving her. I said, “Ruth, could you form up with those ships we just launched, and head for the planet?”

  She replied, “On it, Boss.”

  I said, “Gene, could you please connect me to Scotti?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  Scotti said, “Yes, Boss?”

  “Do you suppose we could do a mass launch of the old-style fighters, with bot pilots?”

  She replied, “You mean a combat scramble, from all the launch bays?”

  I said, “That’s what I was thinking, yes.”

  Scotti said, “Well, Boss, I have a project going in bay four. We could launch the other three bays, if you want max spacecraft in the black, or we could just use one and two if you’re just trying to put on a show.”

  I replied, “One and two will be fine. You’ll only be launching half the spacecraft, so I expect eighteen seconds or better.”

  Gene and Scotti said, in unison, “Sir, Yes, Sir!”

  “Tell your pilots to give the ladies an escort home and give the folks a show before they come back aboard.”

  Scotti said, “On it, Boss.”

  Just before we made orbit, Scotti came back on the line. “Boss, we can launch whenever you’re ready.”

  I said, “Mr. Topper, please time this launch.”

  Topper said, “Yes, Boss.”

  I said, “Go, Scotti!” We could feel the recoil as the ship shot the fighters out in a rapid string. Topper said, “Fourteen seconds, Boss.” Scotti said, “We’ll work on that for you, Boss. We lost a couple seconds there we shouldn’t have.” I said, “Not bad, for as long as you two have been out of the business.” Ruth peeled off and put us in orbit, as the fighters formed up to escort the freighters down. Morning Flower came over the comm. “Fancy. We need to head to the outer system, though. The sensors just saw a drive flash.”

  I said, “Go on down, we’ll take care of the drive flash.”

  Morning Flower said, “Fly safe, Bawb.”

  “Always, Morning Flower. Sensors?”

  “The system net is coming up now, Sir. I wasn’t aware of it.”

  I replied, “Not the problem we’re working right now. We’ll fix that later. What have you got?”

  “Flare indicates a poorly tuned drive, according to Zoom. The transponder ID is most likely bogus, according to Taz. Best guess is probable pirate or slaver, Sir.”

  I said, “Feed the helm position data. Ruth, I want us close enough to scan them, without being seen, if that’s possible. Mr. Topper, slip us in, nice and quiet.” I got a chorus of “Aye, Sir.”, and suddenly, the main screen was full of a tired looking freighter. I said, “What can you tell me, Sensors?”

  “Boss, Zoom was right about their FTL. It’s in bad shape. Life support’s not much better.” I saw a flash of color on the side of the ship. “Can we zoom in on that ship?” Topper said, “Say when, Boss.” He started stepping up the magnification, slowly. What I had seen came into focus. I said, Gene, page Major Cachi to the bridge, please. Give him transit priority, if you would.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  I asked, “Ensign Wilson, does your comm badge do Mandarin Chinese?”

  Nikki replied, “It does, Captain. Why do you ask?”

  “The insignia on that ship. It’s a Chinese flag. I think the Chinese captured a pirate ship and tried to fly it.”

  Diego came on to the bridge, and said, “Yes, Captain?”

  I said, pointing at the screen, “Have a look at that and tell me what you think. Topper, have you paged Zoom yet?”

  Topper replied, “Yes, Boss. She’s about thirty seconds out. I got Gene to give her transit priority as well.”

  “Good work.”

  Diego said, “Boss, that’s sure as shootin’ a Chinese insignia, but I don’t see any Earth workmanship on her anywhere. Looks like they captured the ship whole, and just started flying her.”

  I said, “That was what it looked like to me, too.”

  Zoom came in, out of breath. “What do you need, Boss?”

  “Have a look. Make me smarter. I don’t know squat right now.”

  She gawked at the screen for a bit, and then went over to the sensor console and looked at the readouts. She stood up and said, “I know the ship, but I’ve never pulled maintenance on her. The Captain said he wasn’t hard up enough to let a girl do his maintenance. She came up missing not too long after that, and no, I didn’t sabotage her.”

  I replied, “They seem to have landed on Earth and gotten captured. Was that ship in such poor condition the last time you saw it?”

  Zoom said, “It was. That’s why I offered to pull maintenance on it, I was afraid he was going to get people hurt, being so careless.”

  Diego said, “How bad is it? Could they make it back to Earth?”

  Zoom said, “It’s possible, but I wouldn’t risk any money on it.”

  I said, “Even if they did, they would have evidence of a habitable planet in this system. Sooner or later, they would be back, and either we or Morning Flower would have to fight them off.”

  Diego said, “They would need a better ship than that to be much of a threat, Captain.”

  I replied, “We’re talking about the Chinese, Diego. If anybody on Earth can copy a technology, it’s gonna be them.”

  He replied, “You have a point, Boss.” Nikki spoke up. “Bob, I could get into their computer system easily enough. I could erase their logs of coming here.”

  I replied, “Would you be able to replace them with a legit looking log of noodling around the Solar system, killing time because
they were afraid to try the drive?”

  She said, “Yes, Captain, I could do that, but won’t that put them in a bad situation when they get home?”

  I said, “It would. Wouldn’t they be able to see that their log had been altered?”

  Nikki replied, “Yes, they would. Why does that matter?”

  Diego said, “Because they have an even better idea of what would happen to them than we do, if they went home with a log like that. They will do whatever it takes to land somewhere besides Chinese territory, just to save their behinds.”

  Nikki asked, “So what’s the plan, Captain?”

  I said, “I’d like to talk to your Grandpa before I make a move. As long as we can observe them, without being seen, I don’t think a few minutes for a strategy meeting is going to hurt anything.”

  Gene said, “Mr. Sloan to the ready room, aye, Sir. Transit priority, aye, Sir.”

  I said, “Gene, you’ve been hanging out with Topper too much.”

  Gene said, “Mr. Topper is a bad influence, aye, Sir.”

  I said, “Mr. Topper, you have the conn. Do not hesitate to call me if that ship makes any move.”

  “Yes, Boss. On it.”

  I motioned for Zoom and Diego to come with us to the ready room. I wasn’t really surprised to find Sally, Scotti, and Dingus already there when we arrived. I said, “Folks, we have a situation. The Chinese also have a ship. It’s sitting off our bow. We can see it, but it has yet to detect us. The ship is in bad enough shape that we can’t risk just showing ourselves and scaring them away. They might not make it home. Suggestions?”

  Dingus said, “Why do I get the feeling you have a plan already, and you just want us to okay it?”

  I replied, “I do have a plan. I was hoping somebody had something better, because my plan isn’t that good.”

  Sally said, “Why don’t you tell us what you’re thinking, and then we can see how we can improve it.”

  “I’m thinking we slip up into stunner range, give ‘em a good zap, then go aboard and put nighty-nights on them. Nikki monkeys with their log to show they just piddled around Earth system, and never tried to use their drive. Then we send them home just like we did with Diego’s crew. They won’t go back to China, because their logs show they violated orders, and China won’t have that ship to copy from.”