Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  “Yeah. I figured to send Veronica with her this time, she’s jonesing to get back in the black.”

  Nikki asked, “You don’t think her old crew is up to the task?”

  “Sally is just now bringing them out of PTSD. They need another adventure like a hole in the head.”

  “Did they ever find the guy they were developing the algorithm to find in the first place?”

  I said, “I haven’t heard. I bet Sally knows.” I commed her. “Hi, Boss. What can I do for you?”

  “A great deal, most days. I just have a question. When we first ran into Phonelia’s crew, they said they were developing their software to find a friend of theirs. Did he ever get located?”

  Sally said, “Yes, he did. Will and Fred brought him in right after you headed back to Earth. He’s back in the Commonwealth now.”

  I asked, “How are they doing?”

  “They’re getting over their experiences on the planet, but I wouldn’t put them back out in the wild stars if I were you, Captain.”

  I said, “I hadn’t planned to. I’d like to keep them around, how do they feel about that?”

  “They were hoping they could finish modifying their work for finding lost colonies, and head back to the Commonwealth.”

  I said, “I think they’ve given us good value, in return for not turning them in. Can we trust them to keep their mouths shut about the Gene, and the Starfoot?”

  Sally said, “Mingus, I trust. Rangolus, I’m not as sure about.”

  “Any suggestions for how to handle that?”

  Sally replied, “Let me do some research, but I’m not coming up with anything right now.”

  I said, “Lyla owes us a few favors, we could probably get her to run an article claiming he was nuts, if we needed to, but I’d rather not do that to him.”

  Sally said, “I hope we can avoid that, too, Boss. I’ll see what I can come up with. Did you need anything else?”

  “How long do you think they need, to finish their work?”

  “They seemed to think they could finish up this afternoon, but I wouldn’t risk any money on that.”

  “Can you make sure Scotti has a long-range ship ready for Phonelia and Veronica to take out? I’m hoping to get them in the black as soon as we have places for them to check.”

  Sally said, “I’ll make sure of that, Boss. Anything else?”

  “Nope. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye, Boss.”

  I turned to Nikki. “Sally says their friend got rescued here, right after we headed back to Earth.”

  Nikki replied, “Good deal. Are you planning on letting them off the hook, soon?”

  I said, “I’d rather keep them for the next tricky geek problem that comes up, but Sally says they’re ready to get back to the Commonwealth.”

  “Will they keep the Company’s secrets?”

  I replied, “That’s the big question, isn’t it? Sally is pretty sure about one of them, but the other one isn’t as trustworthy. We don’t have a justification to keep them here, but we need to keep the Company’s information safe. I don’t have a good answer, and neither does Sally.”

  Nikki said, “We did catch them on Earth without a research permit or a licensed Guide. We could hold that over them until the statute of limitations runs out.”

  “That seems like dirty pool, since we already said we would let them by with that in exchange for working for us.”

  Nikki replied, “Maybe so, but I don’t see any other leverage we have over them.”

  “You’re right. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but we do have it to use if we need to.”

  Will said, “It doesn’t make sense to me, that you would keep somebody out of trouble with the law, help them find their friend, and they would still stab you in the back first chance they got.”

  I replied, “The one we’re going to have trouble with firmly believes that people from the Commonwealth are far superior to any primitive Earther, and any commitments he may have made to get away from said primitives are null and void as soon as he’s gotten away clean.”

  Nikki said, “That’s harsh, but it’s accurate, Caveman.”

  Fred said, “That truth machine you used on us wouldn’t help, would it? I mean, it just tells you what a person thinks, it can’t change anything, right?”

  Nikki said, “That’s right. We could question him, and find out what he plans to do, but we don’t have any way to force him to change his mind.”

  I said, “Well, we’re not going to figure it out standing here. Why don’t you fellas try out those trucks? I’ve got chili to cook, or I’d go with you.”

  Will said, “We’ll be back by suppertime, that’s for sure. I remember that chili from last time.” They all climbed into separate trucks, so they could all learn to drive them. They took off toward the pasture where the cowboys had their stock grazing. Nikki and I headed back to see how Ruth was doing. I checked the smoker. Looked like the jerky might be ready by morning. When I got inside, Ruth asked, “Do we need to do anything else to the chili?” I replied, “Might not hurt to stir it up and have a taste, just to see how the flavor is coming along.” I got one of Walking Bear’s spoons and did my best to give it a stir. Ruth saw me straining, and said, “Here, Boss, let me try.” She took the spoon and cranked on the pot. She said, “I see why you were having trouble. This big spoon, in chili this thick, takes a lot to get going.” She worked on that one for a bit, and then started in on the other one. I tasted them, and said, “We’ll need to add more garlic about a half hour before time to eat, so the flavor doesn’t get too washed out. Other than that, it’s right where it needs to be.” Topper and Andre came wandering in. Nikki said, “Well, here’s trouble. Think you’re officer enough to sort this one out, Captain?”

  I replied, “I doubt it, but if I’m gonna sit in the big chair, I gotta try.”

  She said, “That’s the spirit!”

  I asked, “What is it, fellas?”

  Topper said, “Well, Boss, ...”

  I said, “Spit it out, Topper. If it’s your idea, it’s got to be fairly good.”

  Andre said, “Topper says you’ve been looking for a place to relocate some people, in case of need. That island we were on is plenty big enough for another village. We could even use the next bigger set of plans without bothering the village we already built. My boys and I were wondering if you would mind if we went ahead and set you up a place to bug out to, since we don’t have much else to do right now.”

  I replied, “That sounds like a decent idea. Charlie might even want to start planting his garlic on the island. Would make security easier. How high above sea level is that island?”

  Topper said, “The part where we want to put the new village is about two hundred feet above high tide, Boss. Why do you ask?”

  I replied, “I was almost hoping it was lower, so we could get away with calling it a key.”

  Nikki said, “Call it a key if you want to. You’re light years away from the nearest geography Nazi.”

  I said, “Shaved Ape Key it is.”

  Nikki said, “Oh my! Shaved Ape because the people living there aren’t Squatches, you mean?”

  “Exactly. Shaved Ape Island just doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

  Ruth said, “No, it doesn’t. Good job, Boss.”

  I looked at Topper and Andre. “You guys are still here? I thought you had a town to build.”

  Topper said, “On it, Boss.”, as they went through the door. I commed Dee. “Make it quick, Bob. Space Ranger is almost home.” I said, “Get with your brother-in-law, and find out how he did the paperwork to make all those people look dead. Start cleaning anybody out of Shady Oaks that can pass acceptable contact. Buy a crematorium to fake up the paperwork if somebody gets uppity about remains. We’ve got a place for them to live, or we will in a day or two. Big island here on Charlie’s Planet. We’re calling it Shaved Ape Key, since no Squatch live there. Topper and his buddy are building us a village to bug out
to. Quick enough?”

  Dee said, “Plenty quick. When did you decide Max was right?”

  “I didn’t, but the fewer people we have left to move when the waste hits the impeller, the easier it will be to get away with everybody.”

  She said, “Makes sense to me. Phillus is still down there, I’ll have her find out how we need to go about it. I think we need to take it slower than he did. We don’t need inspectors nosing around.”

  I replied, “That would be best. We need to keep our profile as low as we can. Did Nikki’s call help any?”

  Dee said, “I think so. Joanna seemed to be in a better mood last night.”

  “Don’t tell Max I asked you to start cleaning out Shady. That would just get him going again.”

  Dee said, “You think? I was born at night, Bob, but it wasn’t last night. Talk to you later, I just heard the barn doors open.”

  I said, “Later on.”

  A truck rolled up outside, and Charlie slid down out of it. He came in grinning from ear to ear. “Uncle Bob, them trucks rock! Where’s Topper? I want to thank him.”

  I said, “He flew Andre and the boys back out to the island. I don’t know if he’s coming back or staying to help.”

  Charlie said, “Oh no! Did something go wrong with the village those people were going to move into?”

  Nikki said, “Calm down, Charlie. They’re building another village, so we can move some people out here from Earth, if we need to.”

  Charlie replied, “Oh. That sounds like a good idea. Uncle Bob tries to keep a low profile, but he’s not as good at it as Grandpa and Mr. Jones.”

  I said, “It’s hard to keep a low profile, rescuing saucers all over the place.”

  Charlie said, “I suppose you’re right about that. The chili is smelling good. How long till supper?”

  Ruth said, “About twenty minutes. You better get cleaned up and put your truck away.”

  Charlie said, “Yes, Ma’am.” After he left, Ruth looked at me and said, “Yes, Boss, I remembered to put in the extra garlic.”

  Nikki said, “I love it when you read his mind, Ruth. What does it say now?”

  Ruth struck a pose like she was concentrating hard. She said, slowly, as if she was having trouble making out the words, “Th-this sp-space a-avail-available.”

  Nikki laughed, and said, “Good one, Ruth.” I figured my only out was to be gracious, so I bowed and said, “Your Kung Fu is best.”

  Ruth said, “Just get cleaned up, so you can help me serve. We’re about to have a lot of hungry people wanting chili.”

  The ex-pirates and the ladies from Milly’s village thought it was funny to see the Captain serving supper. Once they got a taste of the chili, they quieted down. We had enough, but there weren’t any leftovers. We sat around talking and joking. Morning Flower and her pilots sang a couple of songs. Soon enough, my guts started rumbling. Nikki decided she had places to be. I looked at Knocks Hard and Walking Bear and nodded. I felt sorry for Falling Rain, as she tried to scamper away after she saw me nod. Knocks Hard raised a cheek, and it sounded like somebody starting a Homelite. Walking Bear went next, his tone wasn’t as impressive, but he had good duration. My turn came, and I did my best to hold up the honor of Smallfeet everywhere. The next thing I knew, Wet Bobcat was in my face, cussing a blue streak about it being the ‘Brothers’ of the wind, and did I think that just because she was female, she wasn’t good enough? She had squatted down in front of me, to get in my face, which left her hind end pointed at the fire we were all sitting around. When she drew breath for a second round, she ripped a world-class example of why she deserved to be jumped in. People across the fire from us scrambled to get out of the way, but I’m sure a couple of them lost some fur. I said, “I’m convinced. You are one of the People of the Wind.” Knocks Hard said, “I am not sure I qualify, anymore.” Morning Flower and Pouncing Fox were laughing so hard I thought they might hurt themselves. Then Bugling Elk looked at me, questioningly. I nodded. He lifted a cheek and let Morning Flower have it. At that point, Morning Flower and Pouncing Fox decided it was tickle fight time, and Bugling Elk was in a bad way. I have to say, a rip-roaring good time was had by all. When the pandemonium eased up, Milly’s Grandma came over for a talk. My mouth engaged before my brain, and I said, “No need to demonstrate, I already know you’re a mean old fart.” She looked like she wanted to slap me, but she said, “I was just wondering when we could get a ride to the new place. We’d like to get settled in before it gets too late.”

  I replied, “Well, Ma’am, I don’t know. Let me ask someone, and I’ll find out for you.” I commed Sally. “Yes, Boss. Were you injured in the explosion?”

  “No, Sally, I’m fine. When can I get some transport for these folks who want to go to Shaved Ape Key?”

  Sally said, “Veronica has a ship on the landing field. She left the stealth on, so she wouldn’t disturb the party.”

  I said, “Can you go ahead and tell her to cut the stealth? They’re ready to go get settled in.”

  “Yes, Boss. See you later.”

  “Later, Sally.” I put my comm away and turned around. The people mover was just fading into view. I turned back to Grandma. “Sorry for the delay. I’ll try and be quicker next time.”

  She said, “I don’t know how that woman puts up with you, but I’m glad to have you for a friend, Captain. Thank you.”

  “I’m getting to like you, too. Did Janet ever make up her mind about where she wanted to be?”

  “I believe that one girl, Nunya, I think she calls herself, talked her into staying aboard the ship.”

  I said, “Janet’s good help. We’re glad to have her.”

  Grandma said, “Thanks again for saving us from that place, even if I didn’t want you to, when I was crazy with that stuff.”

  I replied, “You’re welcome. You and your people were in a bad way. Someday we’ll go back and get the rest of them, but we don’t have any place to take them, yet. I can’t keep bringing people here, it’s not my planet to use.”

  She winked, and said, “Somehow, I think you’ll figure it out, Captain. You get things done.” Milly came over and said, “C’mon, Grandma. Everybody else is getting aboard. We need to go.”

  I said, “Bye, Milly.”

  Milly said, ”Bye, Captain. Thanks for finding us a place to live.”

  “You’re welcome.” I waved as they got aboard the ship. The ramp went up, and they flew off to start a new life. Snitz came wandering up. I scratched his ears and asked him where he had been all day. He looked up at me like I should know better than to ask him to talk. Nikki walked up and said, “There’s that rascal. Where’s he been all day?”

  I replied, “He won’t tell me. Maybe you can get it out of him.”

  Nikki said, “You’re silly, Caveman. You think we should head back up to the ship?”

  “I’d rather stay here, but Sally would have a fit. I don’t see what she thinks will happen, with all the Marine guards.”

  Nikki said, “She might be afraid you’ll catch the funky purple flu, for all I know.” I got up and we headed for the gig. Steve came up and asked, “Headed back to the ship, Boss?”

  I said, “Yep. Sally likes it better if I sleep up there. We were just trying to figure out why that is.”

  He replied, “I wouldn’t know, but we all like it better when Bob is safe.”

  I looked at him. “Not you, too? You or John could run this outfit at least as well as I do, probably better. Don’t get it in your head that I’m special. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. No way you’re going to convince me it was anything more than that.”

  Steve said, “You sure managed to make the best of the opportunities you were offered. Almost like you had studied up for it, or something.”

  “All those nights reading science fiction paid off, I guess.”

  Steve said, “Yeah, that must be it. Sure, Boss. See you tomorrow.”

  “Night, Steve.” We walked aboard Ozzie�
��s Toy. Ruth came over the intercom. “Find some seats, I’ll have you back to the ship in a jiffy.” When the ramp came down again, we were berthed in launch bay two. A bot was waiting for us. He said, “Sir, if you would come with me please. Sally needs to see you in the ready room as soon as possible.” I said, “Do you know what it’s concerning?”, as we headed for the passage to the other deck. He replied, “I was told that information had not been cleared for general distribution yet. I was also told that Mrs. Wilson would not be able to attend.” Nikki said, “That tells us everything we need to know about the meeting. I’ll see you back at the cabin, Caveman.” I asked, “Do you mind taking Snitz by his box on the way?” She replied, “Not at all, Caveman.” Nikki and Snitz peeled off when we got to the bridge deck, and our guide stood beside the door. I said, “That will be all, unless Sally gave you other instructions.”

  He said, “Thank you, Sir.”, then turned and left. I went in, to find Sally and Scotti waiting for me. Sally said, ”Tile the lodge, Gene.”

  Gene replied, “The lodge is tiled, Ma’am.”

  I said, “I assume you heard from Willum and Taz. What did they say?”

  Sally replied, “They stopped in the deep black, between stars to send a message. Even at that, they kept it short, except for the attached data packet.”

  I asked, “Data packet?”

  Scotti said, “They recorded the aliens’ transmissions. They are hoping we can come up with a translation, so they can communicate. They say the aliens seem to be curious, rather than hostile, but they want to be more prepared before they try to make contact. Apparently, the aliens have a way to track quantum comms, even through FTL. Once they turned the transponder off, they were able to slip away from them.”

  I asked, “Did they have anything else to say?”

  Sally said, “Taz informed us that the alien is a better pilot than Willum. Once Taz took over, they were able to gain on him a little, but they still couldn’t get away until they thought to turn off the transponder. Willum said it felt to him as if the alien pilot was playing with them, rather than actually trying to catch them. Like it was a game to him, a test of his abilities, rather than anything serious.”