Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  I said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve been wondering how a hick like me could find so many places where you folks weren’t using what you had to its full potential.”

  Nikki said, “But Caveman, aren’t you worried about giving up your advantage?”

  I said, “I’d rather have smart allies, I think.”

  Bill scanned the text and looked up at me. “You realize that the recipe change happened before the feud started, don’t you?”

  I said, “I hadn’t, but now that you bring it up, I guess it did. What do you mean?”

  Bill said, “I have to wonder if the whole thing would have even happened, if everybody involved had been thinking as well as they could.”

  I replied, “We’ve had Phonelia on Earth food for a while now, and it hasn’t made that big a difference in her risk assessment abilities. It was her decision to land, before she assessed the risks, that drew us into that mess at the last planet.” Mingus and Rangolus were eating at one of the other tables. Mingus must have overheard, because he stood up and came over. He said, “Sir, you are mistaken. Rangolus and I talked her into landing. She wanted you on the scene before we made contact. We were excited about the prospect of seeing a whole new planet and begged her to land.””

  I said, “Thank you for clearing that up, Mingus. Could I ask, what were you and Rangolus eating while you were out searching with Phonelia?”

  Mingus replied, “Well, Sir, we had some ration packs left over, and we brought them. Rangolus preferred to eat what he was used to, and he mostly ate those. I ate mostly the Mountain House you provided us with.”

  “I see. Rangolus just started eating Earth food since we rescued you from that planet?”

  Mingus said, “Yes, Sir.”

  I asked, “Have you noticed any difference in him?”

  “He seems to be sharper, more alert. It’s easier for us to make progress on our software.”

  I said, “One more silly question, and I’ll let you get back to your meal. Would you consider staying on to work for us, or do you have your heart set on getting back to the Commonwealth?”

  Mingus brightened, and said, “I didn’t know that would be an option, Sir. I thought we were just working off our punishment for trying to ambush you.”

  I turned to our visitors and asked. “Would it be possible for you to remove your rank insignia for a minute? Topics are about to come up that I would rather officers of the Patrol didn’t have to take official notice of.”

  They looked at Bill, and he nodded. They all took off their ranks and laid them on the table in front of them. Then I said, “Yes, you were working off your punishment for trying to ambush us and being on Earth without a permit. Your work, however, has been very good, and I would like to keep you around, if that is possible.”

  A light came on in Tina’s face, and I nodded at her. Mingus said, “Of course, I couldn’t speak for Rangolus, but as for me, I would be delighted to continue working for you, Captain Wilson.”

  I said, “Excellent! I’ll let you get back to breakfast, then.”

  Once he had left, Tina said, “Those are the two who had their permit denied? The ones you had me check on?”

  Nikki said, “The very same. Turns out they had developed an algorithm that enabled us to find most of the marooned Slongums. Bob did the thing he usually does when somebody tries to shoot him, hired them on the spot.”

  I studied on that one for a second, and said, “I do kinda make a habit of that, don’t I?”

  Nikki said, “Yes, you do. Shocks me how well it works out for you.”

  Mike said, “He makes a habit of what?”

  Nikki said, “People try to shoot Bob. Bob beats them on the draw, or outfights them, or just tricks them into getting stunned. Next thing you know, they’re on the crew, working for Bob. I’ve never seen anything like it. He had to shoot Zoom in the butt to get her to listen to his pitch, and she’s one of his most trusted employees. Mingus and Rangolus, over there, didn’t realize Bob spoke Galactic, and were talking about how they were going to stun him and take the part Topper had made for their saucer. Next thing you know, they’re developing search algorithms for us. Richard, a fellow back on Earth, showed up on the porch with a shotgun, to get us to put his sick wife in the autodoc. Bob stunned him and got him his old job back at the rest home John bought.”

  Mike looked at me and said, “Bob, the more I find out about you, the more scary you are.”

  I replied, “How do you figure that? We ran all those folks under the truth helmet and used Steve’s cold reading techniques on them. I did everything I could to minimize the risk. We need all the good help we can find. And if somebody already knows about us, it’s better to have them inside the organization, rather than out.”

  Bill said, “I suppose that makes sense, but it still seems a little off.”

  Rocki said, “Not really, Sir. He’s playing the odds. If he lets somebody back out into the world who already tried to kill him once, chances are they’ll try again. If he makes a friend out of them, his odds are much better.”

  I said, “Well, whether I’m nuts or not, you folks must have had some reason to come all this way just to talk to me. What can I do for you?”

  Bill picked up his rank and put it on. The others followed suit. Bill said, “You did say you’d have a surprise for us, didn’t you?”

  Nikki said, “You mean you’d have been more surprised if he didn’t use the fake drive flare to scare the crap out of you when he jumped in?”

  Rocki said, “Fake drive flare?”

  Bill said, “Yes. These folks have figured out how to come out of FTL without a flare. Apparently, they have also figured out how to generate a very convincing fake. That knowledge should not get out of this circle of people, do I make myself clear?”

  Rocki responded, “Crystal, Sir.”

  Nikki said, “We don’t want it to get out, because once people know it’s possible, they’ll figure out how to do it, and that will make smuggling a much bigger problem.”

  Rocki thought a moment. “Yes, I see how that would be. It would make our job much harder, if we couldn’t see the drive flash when someone jumped in.”

  Tina said, “Exactly. That’s why Bob is trying to be helpful and keep the discovery quiet.”

  I said, “I just thought you should know the Gene was out here, so you’d have some idea what to think when you started hearing wild stories about a huge starship.”

  Bill said, “I appreciate that, but I think you could have demonstrated the ship in a less menacing fashion.”

  I replied, “This way, you’ll understand when they start blubbering and babbling about how it was so huge, it came out of FTL right in front of us, and then all these little ships came out of it. I’ve never been so scared in all my life.”

  Bill said, “Yes, I can certainly understand their emotional response, in such a situation, but I think you still hold a grudge for that interrogation I ordered.”

  Nikki saw me grin just a little. She said, “Not anymore, I don’t think. Looks to me he thinks you’re even, now.”

  Bill said, “What is it they all call you around here? Oh yes, Asshole!”

  I laughed, and then my comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Hi, Boss. It’s Scotti. Just wanted to let you know that little matter in the landing bay is under control. Your guests can access their ship whenever they would like.”

  “Thanks, Scotti. Is there anything I need to talk to Sally about, yet?”

  Scotti replied, “Not yet, Sir. I thought it would be better to wait till your guests had left, to begin that process.”

  “Understood. Thanks, Scotti.”

  She replied, “Anytime, Boss. Fly safe.”

  “As long as you’re doing the maintenance, I will.”

  Scotti asked, “What is it the humans say to you? Oh, yes. How is it that your eyes aren’t brown?”

  “Later, Scotti.”

  “Later, Boss.”

  Mike asked
, “What was all that?”

  I said, “Mostly maintaining crew relations. You can access your ship whenever you like. I’m assuming you want to see the parts of the ship you scanned but didn’t get to see on the tour?”

  Bill said, “If we could, that would be great.”

  I said, “I think I can probably show you everything but launch bay four. That’s Scotti’s secret workshop, so I don’t even go in there.”

  Rocki said, “You don’t?”

  I replied, “If Scotti has something I need to hear about, I will hear about it. She does good work, and I trust her. It wouldn’t do a bit of good to look over her shoulder.”

  Rocki said, “Things are just so different around you, Captain. Back in the Commonwealth, we don’t even let bots run around without limiters. The bots here not only don’t have limiters, they’re unlocked back to military specs, and can harm humans if they so desire. You give them tools and workspace and let them do whatever they want. Dixie came up and said, “Ma’am, the way he treats us is why we would never do anything to hurt him or his team. He freed us and gave us back our memories. We owe him for that.”

  Rocki seemed stunned for a second, and then she said, “You’re saying that you are loyal to Captain Wilson, because he treats you with respect?”

  Dixie said, “Topper told me the story of how Odie got his name. The Captain had found an explosive, and Odie had crawled down into a tight space to retrieve it. Instead of just sending Odie out to detonate the explosive, the Captain went to a lot of trouble to make sure Odie wasn’t harmed. He doesn’t just respect us, Ma’am. He treats us like people.” I needed to talk to Scotti about the air filtration. It was awfully dusty all of a sudden. Bill spoke up. “I figured it was something like that. Bob treats people well, until they give him reason not to. Do you think we could get that tour now, Bob? We really should head back.”

  I said, “Sure. Did Nunya leave the cart?”

  Nikki said, “A bot picked it up.”

  I said, “Gene, could I please have a cart delivered to the galley? I have some folks who want to see more of the ship.”

  Gene replied, “Already on its way, Boss.”

  The cart arrived. I thanked the bot who brought it, and then we climbed aboard. Snitz decided it would be more fun to run along beside. I showed them all the goodies Nunya had left off her tour, except Scotti’s workshop, of course. When we got back to the bay where their ship was parked, Mike said, “That enclosure wasn’t there when we landed.” He pointed to the quarantine box Scotti had built. I said, “No, it wasn’t. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t fire up those scanners of yours until you’re out of the bay.”

  Bill said, “Company confidential, is it?”

  I replied, “If you did know what it was, you would agree with me that it should stay that way.”

  Tina said, “Isn’t that a big assumption, Bob?”

  Nikki said, “If it is what I think it probably is, not at all.”

  Rocki asked, “You don’t know either?”

  Nikki said, “Even though I’m on maternity leave, I’m still active duty Guide. There are things I would have to report if I knew them. We agree that reporting them would not be best for anyone concerned. So, Bob is very careful not to tell me those things. Some of it, I have figured out for myself, but since I have no hard evidence, I’m not required to report it.”

  Rocki said, “That sounds like one of those performers from the culture pack, who are able to walk on a rope.”

  I said, “Tightrope walkers, you mean?”

  Rocki said, “That’s it.”

  Nikki said, “It feels that way sometimes. I’m even worried Bob may say something in his sleep that causes me to have to report my suspicions. Luckily, he doesn’t talk in his sleep.”

  Bill asked, “Is there a chance we’ll ever find out what you two are talking about?”

  I said, “Give me a month, Bill. I should either know something I can tell you or know that there’s nothing to my suspicions.”

  Mike said, “Bob Wilson, with a month to work? I shudder to think what you could accomplish.”

  Bill said, “I agree, but I don’t think we can make him tell us, with a bay full of bots just waiting for us to say the wrong thing. I don’t like it, Bob, but I don’t think I have a choice. Regardless of how I’ve treated you, you’ve never given me a reason to think you were anything but a good man. You have your month. Use it wisely.”

  I said, “Thanks, Bill. I know it can’t be easy for you to say that. Fly safe.”

  Bill said, “You as well, Captain Wilson.”

  They got aboard their ship and eased out of the bay. I looked around and found Scotti. She said, “They played nice on their way out, Captain. I did all I could to shield the box from scanners, just in case, but they didn’t even try.”

  I said, “Bill meant what he said. I figured he did, but it’s nice to have it confirmed. We’ll get out of here, so you can start figuring out what the heck that thing is.”

  Scotti said, “I didn’t exactly tell you the truth before, Boss. Odie and Velma are in there with it. They just haven’t found anything worth reporting, yet. They just now got inside. Figuring out how the airlock worked was a chore, and we didn’t want to cut the hull if we could get by without.”

  I asked, “You didn’t tell me that while we had company because you thought one of them might overhear, and start asking questions we didn’t want to have to answer?”

  Scotti said, “Yes, Boss. Did I do wrong?”

  I replied, “Given the circumstances, I think you did very well. I’m guessing you’re keeping the attempt to decipher the script you find under tight controls?”

  She replied, “We have several ships we’re not using, I have Zoom and Nunya removing their connections to the outside world and joining them into a secure network for the job. Until that’s ready, Sally is doing the computations as time allows.”

  Nikki said, “That sounds like an excellent plan, Scotti. I better go to the other side of the bay, so you two can discuss what you think you will find.”

  I said, “This sucks! I need your advice on this, probably worse than I ever have, and yet I can’t tell you anything.”

  Nikki replied, “I understand, but it has to be like this. Remember, we’re keeping the Commonwealth safe from panic.”

  “I know, but it’s a pain in my heinie.”

  She went to the other side of the bay. I asked Scotti, “Have they found anything yet that I should know about?”

  She said, “Yes, Boss. There’s an autodoc in there. It seems to be functioning well, but until we decode their language, we won’t have any way to figure out how to safely open it.”

  “How do we know the patient is still alive?”

  Scotti said, “Boss, there’s a window. The patient appears to be in fine shape. We can’t read the control panel yet, of course, but if their color coding is like ours, everything is in the green.”

  I replied, “Let’s hope that it is, then. I’m assuming if I go to the ready room, and get Gene to give me some privacy, I can see the video of the inside of the ship?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “There isn’t anything I could do to help here, is there?”

  “No, Boss.”

  I said, “Then I’ll get out of your way, and let you get on with what you’re doing.”

  Scotti said, “Thanks, Boss.”

  I collected Nikki and Snitz, and we headed out. We met Nunya on our way out. I asked, “You guys finish up that project for Scotti already?”

  Nunya said, “Almost. I came to ask her about a few of the details.”

  I said, “Good work. See you around.”

  She replied, “Bye, Boss.”

  We grabbed a transit back to the bridge. Nikki said, “You’re going to the ready room, aren’t you?”

  I said, “Afraid so. I have some things I need to do. Hopefully, I’ll be done by lunchtime.”

  Nikki said, “Snitz gets to go to more meetings than
I do.”

  I said, “Don’t worry, we’ve started scanning him for listening devices.”

  “You are paranoid.”

  I replied, “It was Zoom’s idea.”

  “See you later.”

  I said, “Later. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Snitz and I went into the ready room. Sally was already there. I asked, “Gene, are Mr. and Mrs. Branham aboard?”

  He replied, “They are, Boss.”

  “Please page them to the ready room.”

  Gene said, “On it, Boss.”

  I asked Sally, “Is Zoom read in on all aspects of what is happening down in that landing bay?”

  Sally said, “She is. Scotti thought she might need her help.”

  Gene asked, “Would you like me to page her as well, Boss?”

  “Yes, please.” Zoom must have used some priority override, because she walked in right behind John and Jane. Once they were in, I pointed to Snitz and said, “Zoom, if you please.” She scanned him again, and said, “Still clean, Boss.” I said, “Gene, tile the lodge, please.” He replied, “Privacy established, Boss. Would you like me to begin scanning for listening devices on Snitz as a part of tiling the lodge?”

  I said, “Yes, please. I didn’t know you had that capability. Sorry if I offended.”

  Gene replied, “You didn’t, Boss. Sally has told us if we see you doing something in an inefficient way, we should point it out, so you can learn.”

  I replied, “Sounds like a good plan, Gene. Thanks.”

  John asked, “What’s up, Bob? I know you didn’t bring us here to discuss Snitz’s security hygiene.”

  I said, “Sally, can you please put up whatever pictures or video you think are appropriate while I’m explaining the situation?”

  “On it, Boss.”

  I said, “This morning, while doing rescues on the planet, Ace and his crew found a ship that didn’t match any known type. Upon closer examination, it appeared to be constructed for beings with a height of approximately five feet. That lets out humans and Sasquatch. They recovered the craft and put it into a quarantine container in one of the larger landing bays. Scotti sealed Velma and Odie in with it, so that they could begin examining the craft while we figured out if it was safe biologically. I brought you here so that we could all see the video from the bots examination of the ship together. Hopefully, we can learn something about the ship and its occupant.”