Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  I asked, “Even through FTL?”

  “No, there’s a circuit in your drive designs that help us with that.”

  I looked at Zoom. “She’s making my head hurt. Do you want me to send Scotti over to help you interpret what she’s telling you?”

  Zoom replied, “No need, Boss. I’m wearing a cam and have her linked in already.”

  I waved, and said, “Hi, Scotti. I’m going to get out of your way, unless there’s something else I could help with.”

  Tikki said, “Zoom has told me about Snitz. Do you think I could meet him?”

  I said, “Sure, just a minute, he’s on detached duty right now. Gene, could you page Janet to the quarantine bay, please?”

  “On it, Boss.” She must not have been far away, because she showed up quickly. She strode up and asked, “Yes, Boss?”

  I said, “Sorry, but I needed one of your escorts, and I figured this was this quickest way to get him here.”

  Janet replied, “No trouble, Boss.” I looked down and saw Alice, Snitz, and Mollie, all with identical head tilts, looking at Tikki. I said, “C’mere, Snitz.” He came over, and I scratched his ears. I said to Tikki, “Let him smell your hand.” She put her hand down for him to smell. She got another head tilt, but Snitz seemed interested. I said, “Scratch him, like this. He likes that.” She did, and Snitz relaxed. Molly, seeing that Snitz was okay, came over for some pets, too. I said, “This is Molly.” Alice was studying the whole scene, but finally she came over to be petted as well. Janet said, “Good girl.”

  Tikki said, “These animals are so affectionate. I can see why you like having them around.”

  Janet said, “They are good companions. I’m Janet, I don’t think we’ve met.”

  “Oh, sorry, I’m Tikki. Are you in charge of taking care of the dogs?”

  “More like they are in charge of taking care of me. I went through some bad things, recently, and they are keeping me company.”

  I said, “Well, it looks like you ladies have it under control. I’ll try not to send you any more trouble.”

  Janet said, “Bye, Captain.”

  I replied, “Bye, girls.”

  I decided to walk back to the bridge. I needed to decompress a little. I met Greg and Pete. Pete had found a pack to fit Greg and had him running with it on. Pete stopped as they went by, and said, “He’s doing well, Boss. I didn’t expect him to take to it like he has.”

  I said, “I’m glad you’re getting results. What does his Mother say?”

  “Push him harder, I like what you’re doing for him.”

  “Good work, Pete, I may have to double your salary again.”

  Pete replied, “Thanks, Boss.” He took off to catch up with Greg. I kept going, till I got to Frank’s quarters. Julie was standing outside. I asked, “Are you okay?”

  Julie said, “I can’t believe I let him sneak into my programming. I haven’t done a very good job, taking care of him.”

  I replied, “You’ve done fine. He’s just hard to take care of. He doesn’t have sense enough to do what’s good for him. I’ve gone without sleep for the job before, but not to the point he does. We’ll find a way to keep him under control, Julie. I didn’t know he was giving you this much trouble, or I would have assigned you some help.”

  “That’s just it, Boss. I didn’t realize I needed help, because he messed with my programming.”

  I said, “Sally’s got you locked down, now. He won’t be able to do it again.”

  “I hope you’re right, Boss. I feel like I let you down.”

  I said, “You did your best. That’s all I could ask. Now you know more about him, I’m sure your best will be even better.”

  “Thanks, Boss. I needed that.”

  “No problem. Anything else I can do for you?”

  Julie said, “I think I’m good now. See you later?”

  “Sure. Maybe I should make it a habit to come by and check on you.”

  “Sally has set up a monitoring program, I think we’ll be alright.”

  I said, “If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

  I headed on towards the bridge. Soon I heard singing. I recognized John’s voice. I found John and Rikki, holding each other up, drunk as skunks. I couldn’t make up my mind if I was glad I missed out on it, or sorry I had. I steered them into a transit and took John to medbay. Once I got Rikki convinced the party was over, and he needed to go home, I took him back to the quarantine bay. When Tikki saw him, she said, “Oh, Dad. You’re drunk again. What a surprise.”

  I said, “Sorry, I didn’t realize he had a problem.”

  Tikki said, “At least he’s a happy drunk.”

  Zoom and Janet helped her put him to bed. I decided I would take the transit to the bridge, this time.

  Topper and I did the usual rigmarole when I entered the bridge. Sally said, “Hello, Captain. Would you like the conn?”

  I replied, “No, thanks, I just thought I would check in and see how things were going.”

  Sally said, “I think you’ve been present at every incident that was out of the ordinary, Sir.”

  I asked, “Are you saying I’m disruptive?”

  “No, Sir, quite the opposite. You seem to have a skill for calming things down.”

  Topper spoke up. “Boss, with the knowledge they’ve gotten from our new friends, Zoom and Scotti have managed to tune the FTL drive somewhat better.”

  I asked, “Really? How long till Charlie’s Planet, now?”

  Topper replied, “In the morning, about two hours after Snitz wakes you.”

  “Excellent!”

  Sally said, “Captain, you will be able to train again in about twenty minutes, if you would like.”

  I replied, “Sounds good. I missed out on the party, might as well get some work done.”

  Topper said, “Party, Boss?”

  “Someone should check our beer stocks. I think Mr. Branham and Mr. Natti have put a hole in them.”

  Sally said, “We stocked up better than that, Captain. One binge won’t put us short.”

  “Good work, Commander. I’ll be in the ready room.”

  “Aye, Sir. I’ll send Dixie in shortly.”

  I sat, trying to make sense of everything, until Dixie came and lit me up. Once I came back to the world, I noticed I was a little hungry, so I headed out to the galley. I found Nikki there. She said, “I thought I might catch up with you here. Sounds like you had a full day.”

  I replied, “More than I really expected, cruising in FTL. How was yours?”

  “Not bad. I did some time at the helm, and then I went down to sim deck, to see if I could figure out how you do so well. Didn’t have much luck, though.”

  I said, “After we eat, you wanna sneak off and practice a little, before Janet comes to bed?”

  Nikki replied, “Now you’re talkin’, Caveman!”

  We had a good meal, but we both rushed through it. I commed Sally while we were on our way back to our cabin. “Commander, Ensign Wilson and I are going to be busy for the next couple of hours. Please don’t disturb us, unless it is necessary.”

  Sally replied, “Yes, Boss.”

  Nikki caught me up on my training schedule. Janet came in and said, “Oops, I’m sorry. I can sleep somewhere else.” I pulled on my drawers and said, “No need for that. We should have put some clothes on before we fell asleep.”

  She said, “If you’re sure. I don’t want to intrude.”

  I replied, “We wouldn’t have come to bed early, if we weren’t trying to accommodate you being here. Hush up your silliness and come to bed.” It took a bit for Janet to drop off, but soon enough, Snitz was on the scene, getting me ready to start another day. I got up and did what was needed, and then we went by the grass room. Molly and Alice were there, and Snitz stayed with them.

  I headed down to the galley, where coffee waited for me. I was on my second cup before Dixie brought my breakfast. She asked, “Rough night, Boss?”

  I said, “Nope.
I don’t know why I’m having trouble waking up today.”

  She replied, “Don’t worry about it, there’s plenty more where that came from.”

  Janet showed up before I had finished. She sat down and said, “I’m sorry about last night, Captain.”

  I said, “You have nothing to be sorry for. We were all done by the time you showed up. If anything, we should be sorry for not being ready when you got there. We’ll work out some signal, so you know when it’s safe to come in.”

  “You’re really not upset?”

  I said, “Only at myself, for not thinking ahead.”

  Janet said, “Back where I came from, I would have been punished for walking in on you like that.”

  I asked, “You haven’t noticed? You’re not there anymore.”

  She replied, “Yes, I have, but I suppose it hasn’t quite sunk in yet.”

  “Don’t worry about it. We’re all doing the best we can.”

  She said, “Thanks for letting me interrupt your life. It means a lot.”

  I said, “The least I could do, under the circumstances.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. Nobody knew he was like that.”

  I said, “Maybe so, but you were under my care when it happened. That makes it my responsibility. You better eat up. Dixie will need you to take over in a minute.”

  Janet said, “I can always eat on my break, if I don’t finish.”

  I finished up and went to the ready room. Dixie was not far behind. She lit me up, and I gained a little more knowledge useful to a starship captain. When I woke up, I wondered if I would ever feel like I was competent to do this job. Didn’t matter much, I was what these folks had, for better or worse. I headed out to the bridge. Sally called out, “Captain on the bridge.” I replied, “As you were. I have the conn.”

  Sally said, “Your ship, Sir.”

  I asked, “Mr. Topper, any developments I should be aware of?”

  Topper replied, “No, Boss.”

  We waited, more or less patiently, for the time to drop out of FTL. Eventually, it came, and we slid back into normal space. I said, “Mr. Topper, please be sure our transponder is sending, if you would.”

  Topper said, “Transponder at normal output, Sir. Incoming transmission.”

  “On speaker, please.”

  “Bawb, You’re back!”

  I replied, “Yes, Morning Flower. We have chickens, too.”

  “Come on down to orbit, when you can, Bawb.”

  I said, “On our way.” I gave Topper a cut gesture, and then said, “Helm, do we have a clear jump to orbit?”

  Ruth said, “We do, Boss.”

  I replied, “Let’s do it, then.” Ruth greased us into a fine orbit, slick as could be. I asked, “Sally, could you make sure the B. S. Dolly Parton has plenty of crew to get those chickens where they need to go?”

  “On it, Boss.” Shortly, she came back with, “B. S. Dolly Parton reports ready to launch, Sir.”

  I said, “Send them on their way, Commander.”

  I was about to give Sally back the conn, when Topper said, “Boss, I have a transponder in the outer system. It’s Taz and Willum.”

  I said, “At least we got here before they did. Are they jumping in?”

  Topper replied, “Not yet, Boss. They have company.”

  Thanks for sticking with my books. I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing. I sure would appreciate it if you took the time to leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or anywhere else that strikes your fancy.