Jolene announces, “I think showers are in order.”
“I don’t stink, freak! Talk to rank Sleeping Beauty.”
Josh crosses his arms. “That pretty girl wouldn’t know how to stink if she tried.”
Everyone is teasing and joking, but as soon as my feet hit the ground, the room falls silent. All eyes are on me, and I know the banter was for my benefit. “Breathe, everybody. I’m alive.”
I am alive, but the ache in my chest is making me wish otherwise. My fingers absently tap on my chest as I visualize my father hurting my mom so violently. My heart quickly searches for a place to run and hide—my numb zone—but this time, powerful emotions are demanding to be felt. Mama Hen comes to me in no time, pulling me to her. “I know. I know.”
“I… hurt.”
She rocks me as only she can. “I’m so sorry for you and your broken heart. But I promise you, you can get through this. I’m here, and I love you soooo much.”
I can barely find the courage to ask. “My mom?”
After hesitating, Jolene reluctantly answers, “Three broken ribs, lots of bruising, but will be fine.”
As I begin to sob, Jolene says over her shoulder, “Do you guys mind going to help Faith with breakfast?”
Three sets of feet make their way down the stairs. I’m thankful for the privacy.
My shower helped. The hot water eased my muscles a little. Looking at myself naked in the mirror is disturbing and depressing; I look as if I’ve been in a boxing match… and lost. I attempt to push away memories as I get dressed. At this point, all I want is to crawl back in bed so I can forget everything, again, but my denial time is over. I open the bathroom door to see Josh standing there with clean bandages, confirming this fact.
Sitting at the top of the stairs, Josh examines my hand and quietly rewraps it. He puts ointment on the wound where the glass cut me and on the marks on top of my hands. “Think you’ll be able to eat a little for me?”
My appetite has yet to return. I’m not sure it ever will. “For you.”
He puts the cap on the ointment and swallows hard. I can barely hear him when he says, “I’m so sorry.”
“Look at me.”
He shakes his head.
“Joshua, look at me.”
His watery brown eyes finally appear.
“What happened to Sky was not your fault.” He gazes down, so I grab his hand. “Nor is what happened to me.”
His eyes rise to mine. “But… you’re hurt.”
“Not by your doing. You haven’t failed us, Josh.”
He chokes out a major sob before quickly regaining control.
“Listen to me. Because of you, we will see our way through.” Josh says nothing, just wipes a couple of tears. I finally say, “You look tired.”
Handsome Josh has dark rings under his eyes, but he shrugs.
“You should get some rest.”
He stares at my wrapped hand. “But I don’t want to leave my Shorty.”
“You won’t ever leave me.”
He blows out air, shaking his head. “Never.”
“Then… after we eat, go rest for me?”
With a faint smile, he whispers, “For you.”
At the dining room table, everyone is loading their plates when Rocco walks in.
Sky’s whole body lights up. “Rocco!”
He softens dramatically when he sees her. His hand lies on his chest, and he smiles widely, clearly adoring her. “Hey, Lil’ Mama.”
She points at the chair next to her. In front of the chair sits a dish with a mound of scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes, toast—and extra syrup over every item. “Sky, you trying to buy my love with food?”
“It’s not a vial of my blood. Don’t get yourself all worked up.”
I know there’s a lot that needs to be discussed, but I am grateful no one is bringing up my tragic life. Forcing down food is enough of a challenge. I peer around the dining room, looking for shadows, entities… there are none. Faith’s home is as bright as what I imagine heaven to be.
As Rocco and Sky fight over the last piece of bacon, I thank Rocco Martelli for being alive. He has my best friend thriving again—happily fighting again—yet eventually he lets her win. We all know it’s a let because he outweighs her by a hundred pounds. He could manhandle her and the whole pig the bacon came from. While he acts as though it’s a huge victory on her end, complaining as she gnaws on the crunchy meat, he’s smirking when Sky is not looking. He’s tricked her. She’s eating and gaining weight. He wins.
After plates are cleared and the kitchen is cleaned, Josh yawns, eagle-eyeing Rocco.
Roc’s brows bunch together as his head tilts. Then his eyes widen. “Oh, yeah, uh, Lil’ Mama, let’s hit the road.”
“Hit the road? You gonna trip me or something?”
Roc winces at the smart-ass. “What? No, let’s travel.”
“Why?”
“Uh, why?”
“Yes, Skyler. Why are you trying to get me to leave?”
A terrible actor, Rocco says, “What? I’m not trying to trick you, Miss Paranoid One, I’m just… uh… hungry! Yes. I am hungry. Let’s go.”
“Pig Trough, you just consumed ten pounds of food. Stop lying to me.” Then she eyes the room with her piercing blue eyes. “You people are as subtle as a heard of ice-skating buffalo.” She stands. “Goliath, I’m ready to blow this joint. Let’s roll.”
Looking disheveled, he stands and pushes in his chair. “She makes my head spin.”
We all receive a kiss on the cheek from Piss-and-Vinegar, and she and Roc leave.
Josh rests his elbows on the table. “Last night was too scary—” He stops then rests his forehead against his fist. “She just doesn’t need to witness Serenity’s pain after all she’s been through.”
Faith nods. “Of course. Totally understand.”
Dereck quietly says to Josh, “What you mean is, you don’t want Sky feeling Serenity.”
Everyone silences in the awkward moment, admitting something not all are completely comfortable with yet.
Faith shrugs. “Well, Skyler looks fabulous.”
Nice setup, Faith. “But you two don’t.”
The Wise Ones stare at me.
“And Josh said he would get rest. Jolene, I know his schedule is becoming intense with football and school. Please force him to leave and sleep.”
She inhales to argue, but then her shoulders slump, telling me I’m right. After hugs, they leave with their feet dragging from exhaustion and regret at having to go. I love them both for their dedication.
Faith faces Dereck and me in her front living room. “Coffee?” She knows we don’t drink coffee, which tells me she’s stalling.
“My dad?” I have to know.
As if this word were deadly for me, Dereck answers, “Jail.”
After all my lies and hiding the damage at my house, the police finally got their man.
Dereck reaches for my uninjured hand and guides me to the couch. “Your mom is still”—he blows out air—“refusing to talk. So, I… we… don’t know exactly what happened to you. You probably don’t want to think about it… but I need to know. Could you tell me what happened? It’s clear with your mom, but with you—” He pales, pointing at my injured hand.
I wish my daddy loved me even half as much as the man sitting in front of me.
Faith sits quietly in a fluffy chair as I explain how I got the injuries on my head, chin, and palm. Some bruises I have no answers for.
Dereck calms down. He’s seeing that my mom was under attack, not me. “And the scrape on your thigh?” he asks.
“My dad—” It’s going to sound worse than it was, so I say, “I fell.”
Dereck’s
brows pinch as he condescendingly repeats, “You fell.”
Faith coughs.
Dereck looks at her then takes a calming breath. “Okay, what about the bruise—”
“On my back? That was an accident.”
Dereck sits up straight. “Your back?” His shoulders rise, and his chest begins to heave. Faith attempts another cough, but Dereck ignores it this time.
I stumble over my words. “H-He was kicking her—I got in the way—I shouldn’t have—” Dereck stands me up in a hurry. As he turns me around, I’m begging him to listen. “My dad didn’t mean it! That’s why he gets so angry!”
Dereck lifts my shirt, and Faith gasps. I peer over my shoulder; she has a ghastly expression.
With shaky hands, Faith quickly approaches. “Now Dereck, you have to stay calm. Serenity says it was an accident—”
“Bullshit!” He frantically searches my entire body. “And these old bruises?” I stare off into the distance, saying nothing. My shirt is released, covering me again and pulling me from my trance. Faith and Dereck are too quiet for me to know what’s happening. I slowly face them. Dereck is backing away from me with absolute horror on his face. “The river… leaving your shirt on… you didn’t want me to see your bruises.” His back hits a wall, stopping his retreat.
I hang my head in shame.
Faith steps in front of him, placing her palms to his chest. Looking up at her tall son, I’m sure she can see what I’m seeing; I’m tearing him apart. One by one, the details of my life are eating him alive. Softly, she says, “Son, you’ve got to listen to me.”
His spooked green eyes finally meet hers. “But mom, she—” He pauses, studies her, then reluctantly nods.
Her palm caresses his cheek before she steps aside, almost inviting me to speak with him.
My body feels sluggish as I approach. “I’m sorry to be putting you through this.”
“Serenity, something is happening inside me. Something is screaming to me—” He’s grabbing his chest in some sort of agony.
Faith looks away; it must be hard to see her son in such torment.
I finish the distance between us. “Dereck, I will heal… it was an accident.”
He takes a gentle hold of my fingers and sounds defeated. “And these little hands? What happened to your hands, baby?”
The top of one is bruised, the other under a bandage. I’m trying to remember, but that makes me think of the shadows—feeling them again—causing my body to tremble. My mind scrambles through the memories of the terrifying night but struggles when I visualize Father choking my mom. I can’t seem to—there seems to be a lapse in my memory at that moment. “I… I don’t know. I see black.”
Faith’s voice is kind. “That’s your way of protecting yourself from something you don’t want to see yet. Children in abusive households sometimes compartmentalize different events or personalities.” My head snaps to hers. “When one of those personalities overtakes the other, it is painful to witness. It can make you wonder why the love for you wasn’t strong enough to stop them. It will be clear in time.” She pauses. “Serenity, you can’t go back to live in that house, sweetheart.”
Faith is not the magical woman from my dreams. She is powerless to help me.
“I have to,” I whisper.
Dereck’s jaw hangs. Probably in disbelief that I would even consider going back, but he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t live my life.
“My mom needs me, Dereck. Plus, what choice do I have? Foster home?” My heart pounds just thinking about it. Been there. Done that. “No way.”
Faith rests a hand on my shoulder. “Serenity, this may be a lot to ask of you right now, but I would love it if you would consider staying here with us.”
Now my jaw is hanging. “Move in with my boyfriend, at seventeen?”
“We’ve loved having you over this summer.” Faith appears unruffled. “Who cares what people think? What’s important is your safety. And don’t feel any pressure because of Dereck. I run this household. There would be separate bedrooms and rules that must be obeyed. Last night, without Sky there, was an exception because you were so upset, and I’m sure sex was the last thing on your mind.”
Umm… “Thank you for such a kind offer, Faith, but I’m too worried about my mom. I have to go home.”
Dereck’s shoulders droop.
Seeming unsurprised, Faith nods. “I admire your bravery. You are a wonderful daughter, but seeing you as a daughter of my own, I can’t help but wonder about you being put first.”
Her words are baffling. Being put first is unfamiliar in my home.
She continues, “Your mom is an adult under the influence of alcohol, but if she were clear minded, I believe she would not want you in a compromising environment. Your mom needs to focus on what is transpiring in your house. Maybe you staying here for a while would give her the time she needs?”
I feel ill leaving her on her own with him. “I’ve begged her to leave him.”
When the darkness moved in, I desperately wanted to move out, but my mom wouldn’t hear of it and denied my request.
“People don’t always make the right choices for themselves, huh?”
An odd, fake laugh escapes me. “No. They don’t.”
“Maybe you don’t have to be one of those people?”
My eyes snap to hers. Do I make bad decisions for myself?
After a moment, Faith says, “Sounds like your dad could use some time to decide on his next step, too. A judge will most likely order counseling that will be mandatory for him.”
My eyes close. “My dad won’t let me move in here.”
“Let’s focus on what Dereck and I—the outsiders looking in—see as most important. You. I know it is a new concept, but what does Serenity want?”
I almost gasp. I’ve never been asked that before.
My eyes fill with tears and pain. “I want… peace.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Come to Me?
More and more, it’s becoming clear that Faith is going to be a vital tool for any healing I need. She may not be the one from my dreams, but she is here, right where I need her most. I told her about the urge to go home and help my parents. She tries to explain about being codependent. Most of it goes over my head, but what does stick is that if I listen closely enough to myself, I will hear and feel the need to run from my home. This is true; it’s just not as loud as the need to help my mom. Faith says, over time, I will learn to let my mom take care of herself, as she should be doing. Faith also told me that this pain eating me alive is okay to feel and that, someday, it will be gone altogether. I hope she’s right.
Faith gives Dereck and me some time to talk, which we don’t do right away. We sit together on the couch in the back living room, our arms around each other, quietly thinking.
“I can’t see straight, Dereck,” I finally say.
“Then hold still till you can.”
“What would you do?”
“I would know that I did the best I could and walk away from a battle that isn’t mine.”
“I’m still fighting the war, huh?”
More silence.
“Serenity, I want you to know, this is not pity. I just don’t want you back where you could get hurt. And if that means sending you far away to live with your family in New York… then, that’s what I’ll do.”
My mom’s parents are dead, but I have an uncle and aunt who live in New York City. I’ve seen them only a couple of times because of a falling out I was too young to comprehend when it happened. So I don’t really know them at all.
Dereck shakily inhales. “The idea of not seeing you… damn, I can’t even fathom it, but Sky’s mom can’t afford one more mouth to feed, even though she’s already offered. Jolene and Josh, well, both have offer
ed, but with college, their moms are barely getting by.”
My stomach is violently turning. “New York. That city would swallow this country girl alive.”
Dereck’s arm pulls me in tighter. “Don’t go. I’ll buy you an open-ended ticket right now, and you can use it anytime you want out, but Jesus help me, I love you, girl. I love you, and to think of you—”
I kiss him. With passion and fear. We are two people so crazy for each other that to be apart might kill us. “I’ll stay.”
We kiss deeply.
“Thank you,” Dereck says. We kiss. “Thank you.”
Our lives have drastically changed after one monumental night. My world is upside down, and I’m holding on with unsure hands. What makes it even harder is now vibrating on the dining room table—my cell phone. Dad was bailed out late this morning, and mom was released from the hospital. She’s been calling ever since. I stare at the phone, torn over what to do. I’ve told Dereck I would stay, but now that decision is haunting me, and the pull to go home has returned—with a vengeance. I think he knows it; he picks up my cell and turns it off before slamming it back down.
Cutting off communication with my mom scares me. “What if she’s in trouble?”
Dereck’s jaw locks. “How the hell did he get out?”
“We are not the only ones with good lawyers, riding the ‘first offense’ train.”
Dereck slams his hand on the table and growls. “But it’s not his first—”
Faith raises her palm. Then she tells me, “He is not allowed back home while he awaits his court date.” Father wouldn’t care about such minor details. Faith’s tone changes. “Serenity, Father wouldn’t let her get to a phone.”
She’s right. My mom can never reach a phone while Father is in a rage—I freeze. She called him Father. Faith has already detected my different names. Personalities. Does Faith know? “Sh-Should I talk to my mom? To make sure?”
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