Dereck pauses. “Serenity, about that night. I feel I need to apologize. I got so wrapped up in you that… I forgot to use protection. I have no other excuse—”
“Dereck.”
“I’m sorry—”
“My mom has me on the pill.”
“What? I’m with you all the time. How do I not know that?”
I get quiet thinking about the other secrets I have kept from him, including the shadows.
Dereck misconstrues my silence. “Oh my God, why does your mom have you on the pill?”
My face scrunches as I try to imagine what on earth he’s thinking. “I’m a virgin, Dereck. My doctor put me on the pill because my menstrual cycle was off, and my cramps—”
He winces. “Say no more, please. That’s out of the guy comfort zone.”
“If we’re gonna live under the same roof, you might have to get used to it.”
“You’re not going to make me go to the store and buy you… stuff, are you?”
“Ask Josh for that answer.”
“Damn. Between you three girls, he probably even knows what brand.”
“He says the fact the brand is in black boxes makes it a tad less humiliating in the checkout line. He always buys motor oil with the purchase to announce he still has a pair.”
“Motor oil. That’s a good one. I’ll remember.”
“And according to Jolene, not using protection is not an option for her boys, so I don’t have to worry about diseases from you?”
He rolls his eyes. “She actually gave a speech about castrating me if I didn’t use condoms—” He abruptly stops.
“What is it?”
“She really convinced me when she warned me girls would try to get pregnant because of my money—my name.”
“I hadn’t even thought of that. Damn. She’s right, Dereck.” It’s sad to think such young girls could be so manipulative, but I’ve seen some act so shamelessly, I wouldn’t put it past them.
“Serenity?”
“Dereck?”
He smiles. “Many years from now, if we have a little girl, I want to name her Joy, because… that’s what I feel when I look at her mama.”
Dereck needs no pickup lines with me, but when he says something like that, I get lost in him, and I don’t want to find my way out.
At five a.m., Dereck wakes me and walks me back to my room. Pulling back my blankets to tuck me in, he’s startled when he touches the still-damp sheets. “I didn’t pee myself if that’s what you’re thinking. I had another nightmare.”
“Oh. Wait. Serenity, is that why you came to me?”
“Well, yes—”
He looks appalled. “We shouldn’t have had sex—”
“I wanted to. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
After a pause, Dereck says, “Come on. You’re staying with me.”
Once back in his bed, I’m peaceful again, so I don’t like what’s emitting from his body. “I feel you worrying for me. Stop. I’m happy again.”
He spoons me. “Just want the best for you.”
I fall asleep believing him.
I first wake without opening my tired eyes because Dereck rolls away from me and whispers, “Mom, I will explain,” and they leave his room. I pull his pillow to me, inhale, and slip right back into a deep slumber. By the time I wake up, I’ve missed breakfast but am touched to find a plate has been saved for me. Sitting at the dining room table, I sit and stare at my heaping plate.
Dereck’s brows furrow. “You love my mom’s pancakes, eggs. Not hungry?”
My stomach growls. I sheepishly smile as I pour on the syrup. Sitting across from us, Faith studies me. She sips her coffee as I take a huge bite.
“Serenity, do you mind me asking about this nightmare you had?”
I chew, shaking my head.
“What was it about?”
I shrug while swallowing. “Well, they—”
“You’ve had the same dream more than once?”
“Yes, last night and…” I go on to explain my nightmares.
She ponders then asks, “How do you feel after them?”
Chills travel down my spine. “Ugh. Terrified, empty, and painfully lonely.”
Dereck’s head drops, and Faith glances at him. “What is it?”
He shakes his head. “I’m between a rock and a hard place. Mom, you have to breathe through this, but I think I see a connection, and I think I need your help.”
I’m wondering what he’s going to say. He sounds so sympathetic. “Serenity, I’m so sorry to discuss private business, but Mom, we’ve been sexually active… recently.”
My eyes bug out of my head, and my jaw nearly hits my lap.
After two seconds of choking/gasping sounds from Faith’s gaping mouth, she exhibits much self-control, inhaling and exhaling, then slipping back into counseling mode. “First, I want to thank you for your honesty, both of you, but I have one ‘Mom’ question—”
“She’s on the pill,” Dereck interrupts.
Faith’s shoulders, which were stuck somewhere around her ear line, once again relax. “Oh, thank you, thank you.” Then her body tenses again, as if she’s just been tased. “Any chance for transmittable disease—”
Dereck cuts her off again. “It was her first time, and I’ve been lectured too many times by you and Jolene not to go without. Can we please move this conversation along?”
“Your first time was that night, after all you had been through?” Faith seems to be teeter-tottering uncomfortably between counselor mode and mother mode.
“Mom.”
Her palms nervously rub the table. “You’re right. Okay. Dereck, you said connection?”
“Our first time… was the night of her first nightmare.”
Her chin lifts in some recognition about which I’m clueless. “And your second sexual experience together was last night—after another of her nightmares?”
He nods. “Serenity practically told me, but I didn’t put it together till now.”
I guess my expression is question enough.
Faith takes pity on me and explains, “Possibly, because of your parents, you may have an empty space in your heart.”
“What does that have to do with”—I embarrassingly whisper—“sex?”
“Well,” Faith answers, “okay. After your first nightmare, you were scared, lonely. Then, after you two were together, how did your loneliness feel?”
“It didn’t. It no longer existed.”
She drops her chin, eyeing me. “And after your nightmare last night? How did you feel?”
Sweat collects under my arms as I think about it. “Terrified… Lonely—” I stop as this starts to make sense.
“Yes,” says Faith. “And after you two were… together again?”
My shoulders slump. I understand now. “Peaceful, wonderful sleep.” Being with Dereck took my grief away. “So, I don’t want to be with Dereck?”
Faith is one of the kindest souls. She answers with such patience. “Don’t let my words take magic away from a beautiful night. Your love for Dereck is very real. Your sexual activity is real, too, but for the wrong purpose. You’re mistaking one need for another. Dereck’s undivided attention during sex is, for now, filling a gap. But this won’t always be the case. As it is, it only held you over until your next nightmare. See, eventually that gap, without you dealing with it, will become so wide that you will search for another fix. People go through it all the time with food, drugs, sex, or whatever addiction they manifest. I’m sure you have seen girls at school, teased for sleeping around? It’s sad because most of the time they are simply looking for much-needed attention. For a temporary fulfillment of an unknown need.”
“Th-then, what do I do?”
/>
“First, I would hold off on sex, till you give yourself a little time.”
“Done,” Dereck quickly says.
Faith continues, “You will know when it feels different. It will be lighter, not such a desperate feeling.”
Dereck adds, “She used the word relief.”
“Of course,” Faith says, “relief from the achy, lonely feeling.”
“Faith, how do I fill… this gap?”
“Simple, yet tricky. You must learn to love yourself.”
I thought I loved myself, but there must be more to it. “Will loving myself make the nightmares stop?”
Her body goes rigid before she catches herself and softens. “Those might get worse before better, my special one.” Special one? She rests her hand on her chest. “My heart breaks for you and your… nightmares.”
Something is different. In the darkness, feeling my way down the stairs, I’m overwhelmingly and utterly alone, but a little glowing light catches my attention. It’s underneath the surface of the water, waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. The gloomy water sparkles around the dancing light and in the ripples of the flowing water. It’s mesmerizing… until I start to notice the ends of someone’s dark hair coming into view. It’s my mom! Her eyes are closed as she floats past me from beneath the water. She has no light! She’s dead! “No! Mom, no!” I rush into the cold water to grab her body. “Oh my God! He’s killed her!” But as I reach for her, she disappears—evaporates. Water splashes in my face as I frantically search and search…
“Open your eyes, Serenity. Try real hard to hear me. I’m here. Open your eyes.”
I’m gasping. “Dereck?”
“Yes, it’s me. I need you to follow my voice and try to open your eyes.”
“He killed her! I can’t find you! Please, help me.” I’m frantically searching the water.
“Oh God, I am, baby. I am.” Dereck sounds as if my words are tearing him apart. “I’m right here. You’re not alone. Open your eyes.”
“They are open! And I can’t find you!”
“Shh, you only think they are open. Try real hard to believe me. Open your eyes, Baby Doll.”
Baby Doll… His nickname captures my attention like a butterfly to a flower—a natural progression in life. I stop moving in the cold water and tell myself, “Open your eyes, open your eyes, Serenity…”
When they finally open, Dereck is standing in front of me with his hands out, but I’m taller than him. Looking down, I’m standing on the edge of my bed; he’s ready to catch me.
Faith is standing off to the side. “You’re doing real good, Serenity. Keep breathing.”
My shoulders are rising and falling with every gasp.
“You handled that well, Dereck. She’s coming back. Now you can step in.”
He does so while I ask, “You weren’t in the water with me?”
His arms come around my hips. “No, no water. We’re in your room.”
My legs tremble as doom and gloom comes over me. “Faith, am I going to be okay?”
Her eyes tear as if my question has cracked her heart wide open. She says, “I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself, Serenity. If you two promise to not be sexual… then waking up next to Dereck in your”—she hesitates—“dream state might be the best thing for you.”
Even if she’s telling me nothing to help me understand my visions and nightmares, I’m so relieved to be near Dereck while I sleep. Faith understands the depth of my terror. That’s all I need to know for now.
She looks at her son. “No sex till she’s ready. You will… hold back her progress if you don’t listen to me.”
He gazes at her with obvious admiration. “This means the world to me, Mom. I won’t fail either of you.”
The hot shower and steam feel so good after being traumatized and frozen. Since my sweat drenched my bed, Dereck told me to meet him in his room when I’m finished. Reluctantly, I turn off the hot running water and quickly dry off, snuggling into a T-shirt he’d handed me.
“What’s that smell?” I ask Dereck while I walk into his room.
He’s already showered and in bed. “Umm, my mom kinda saged the room.”
I turn off the light and crawl in next to him. “What is sage?”
“Looks like a big, fat joint, but she says it helps clear energy, and protect.”
My instincts are talking to me. “Protect from what?”
“I-don’t-know. My mom is… out there, sometimes.”
Spoken like a true teenager.
Lying with Dereck in the dark, I’m starting to feel the ache, the loneliness, the despair again. Here comes the restlessness—me wanting my fix, my temporary cure. Dereck.
“You okay?”
Knowing he may be sensing my misery makes me ashamed and embarrassed. I want to scream and run till my yearning for him evaporates. “Oh God. Your mom is right, Dereck. I’m thinking of ways to convince you to be with me, but the thought of your refusal is making me… I need relief. I need to breathe. Please, please tell me you want to be with me.”
Dereck is on top of me in one second flat, kissing me. Tension is already releasing from my body, making me feel a high. His face hovers over mine, and his panting breath is a part of me while he struggles to talk. “Can you feel my body reacting to you?”
Feeling his arousal, I pull on him. “Yes.”
He kisses me again. “Then never doubt how much I crave you. Know my body is screaming to be with yours, and know that I can’t say no to you. I will give and do whatever you want, right now, but I’m praying that somewhere in your broken heart, you will find the strength for both of us. Just enough love for yourself to stop me.”
I didn’t know love can hurt. Or at least, I didn’t know that to start loving myself can bring pain because it somehow forces me to acknowledge that I haven’t been loving myself from the beginning. I cry upon seeing how really empty I am. Grabbing at my hollow chest, I force out words I’m desperate to mean. “Don’t. Be. With. Me. Tonight.”
Dereck’s body collapses on mine, and he kisses my shoulder. Probably in gratitude that I’m trying to love myself.
I beg, “But don’t let me go.”
His arms wrap me up. “Never. Never will I let you go.”
This may be the most powerful night of my life.
Chapter Twenty-Six
My Warrior
The wheels in Josh’s head are turning. His eagle eyes tell me so. “That’s not a bad idea.”
In the back living room, sitting next to me on the couch, Dereck proudly slaps his knee. “Just give me the word, El Ca-pee-ton. My mom said she can make it happen. Both Shorties, at our school, in my sight, at every corner.”
I proclaim, “Sky and I have been at our school for three years, and we’re staying.”
Sitting to my right, Skyler tries to explain. “To transfer feels… like quitting. Letting the assholes win. Ya know?”
Across from us, Josh studies Sky and me. His growing smile shows his admiration. “All right. One more try, but if the heat turns up, you’re moving.” He points at Roc and Dereck. “Speaking of school, practice starts soon for you boneheads.”
Dereck shifts in his seat. “Umm, about that. I’m contemplating letting my scholarship go.”
Josh, Jolene, and Rocco yell, “What?”
“Tell me this is not about me?” Guilt climbs up my spine.
Dereck avoids my glare. “Too much is going on right now. I can pay for my own schooling when the time is right, and let football go.” Dereck sounds only partially convinced himself.
Standing next to Rocco, Jolene appears flabbergasted. “Dereck, that’s a huge move. Are you sure?”
Josh sits back in his chair. “No, he’s not sure
. Dereck, you’re tired. Stop talkin’ stupid. You’re going to UT and earning your schooling through hard work, with football.”
I understand what Josh means. Daddy Hamilton didn’t earn this. Dereck did, with heart and determination. “I’m not being stupid, I’m being responsible.”
Josh sits forward again, elbows to knees. “How is not finishing your education responsible? Serenity will get through this. Take your free ride. You deserve it. Kyle is a young quarterback. He needs you. You’re one of the best wide receivers in Texas.”
Sky and I both gasp. “He’s what?”
Standing next to Skyler, Rocco looks proud. “He runs like the wind and catches almost everything.”
Josh ignores us. “And you love football.”
Dereck’s jaw tightens. “Not like you.”
“Does anyone?” Jolene mumbles.
Josh smirks at her. “I know, but I see the rush Dereck gets with the chase. I throw. He catches. Touchdowns. Next?”
Confused? Now I’m baffled. “Wait. Josh—throw? You’re a quarterback?”
Sky taps her chin. “I always wondered why captains had to ice down their shoulders.”
Rocco does a military salute. “El Ca-pee-ton!”
Skyler sits back. “Serenity, you and I have got to pay more attention to this football stuff. No wonder Josh was all over the news. I thought it was ’cause he’s so cute.”
Jolene laughs. “God, I love my girls.”
Sky grins up at Rocco. “And what are you, Hoover?”
“I’m a tight end.”
She shrugs. “Don’t know what that is, but it sounds hot.” He could have said water boy and I think she would still be flirting with him. “Quick definition?”
“Umm… let’s see. Girl terms… I protect the quarterback, and I’m his security blanket. If no receiver is open, I get the ball and plow for as long as I can stay on my feet.”
Serenity (Forever Book 1) Page 28