Lilac

by Reid, B. B.

  “Love and War” by Fleurie played at full volume, drowning out the sound of Loren fucking someone else after pretending to covet me.

  Why the hell was I even upset?

  I’d known the moment the words left his lips that they were a lie. Loren chose to make her a pawn because I refused to play his fool.

  Whatever.

  It was his aftermath to deal with.

  I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until I was jerked awake by shouting.

  “You’re drunk?”

  My headphones had fallen out, allowing me to hear the argument taking place at the front of the bus.

  Rich was back.

  Disoriented, I touched my cheek, feeling the dried tears I must have shed in my sleep. My subconscious must have needed toughening up. There would be no crying over Loren James.

  Not wanting them to know I was awake, I carefully settled onto my back before staring at the ceiling of my bunk.

  “We agreed to give up this shit, Lo! Look what it did to Calvin.”

  “Fuck Calvin and fuck you. If I have to look at Braxton’s dumb fucking face for the next year, I plan to be shit-faced while doing it. You got a problem? Make her leave.”

  “Do you hear yourself right now?”

  “Yup.” I heard something crash as Loren stumbled around. “Shit, man. I must not be drunk enough.”

  “Just go to bed, Lo. I can’t look at you right now.”

  “Why does everyone think I give a shit?” Loren slurred. “Cuz I don’t.”

  “You felt the need to drown yourself in whiskey. I’d say you’re sending mixed signals. I can’t believe Houston let you drink.”

  “He doesn’t know,” Loren slurred some more. “He’s been with Xavier since we left the show. Dumbass really thinks he can reshape the world just for her. She’ll never fit because they know we’ll never accept her. She’s dooooomed.”

  Loren started snickering, making Rich sigh. “Please shut the fuck up.”

  I stilled when they passed through the bunk area and listened as the door to the bedroom opened. A moment later, I heard Rich grunt and then the sound of a body hitting the mattress. Loren was still slurring shit that I couldn’t make out. Rich was moving around, and once the snoring started, the door to the bedroom closed. I tracked Rich’s sneakered steps as he moved down the narrow passage and held my breath when he stopped in front of my bunk.

  “I know you’re awake,” he whispered, causing my heart to feel like it was falling. “I know you were listening. Loren didn’t mean any of it, Braxton. You don’t want to believe me right now, but I know him better than you do. He doesn’t know how to handle what he feels because he’s never felt it before. Just…just give him some time.”

  I couldn’t see him so my imagination conjured Jericho’s sad silver eyes and the gold flecks in them pronounced as he pleaded with me to understand his best friend.

  I didn’t respond or make a peep. Nothing to indicate I’d heard a word of his bullshit. Thankfully, Rich didn’t take too long to give up and walk away. Closing my eyes, I began counting the moments I had left.

  I would count every second until I never had to see them again.

  Morning came, and I decided I needed another shower.

  I could still feel Loren’s roaming hands and his hard body pressed against mine. Before last night, I’d wanted more, and now I just wanted to forget.

  Climbing down from my bunk, it took me a moment to find my balance, telling me how deeply I’d slept. It’s not what I expected after a hard night, but perhaps I’d been more exhausted than troubled.

  Houston and Rich were both sleeping soundly in their bottom bunks. I wouldn’t allow myself to wonder how late Houston had stayed out or what he’d been doing and with whom.

  Opening the bedroom door, I tiptoed inside. As expected, Loren was sprawled face down across the bed in yesterday’s clothes and snoring. Loudly.

  Flipping him off as if he could see me, I hurried for the bathroom. I wanted to be done before he woke—if he even could this early while hungover.

  I hated him.

  After my shower, I was staring at my reflection in the mirror I’d wiped clear of the fog when the door opened. Loren’s black eyes were barely open as he shuffled inside the bathroom. If he noticed me, he ignored me. I watched through the mirror as he stood over the toilet and quickly looked away when he fumbled open his belt and pants.

  I lost my train of thought.

  How could I have one when his dick was out right now?

  From this angle, I’d be able to see it if I dared to look. If he aimed to tempt me, that ship sailed and sank to the bottom of this unforgiving ocean. If he wanted to piss me off by pretending that he missed me standing in a bathroom the size of a shoebox, he was succeeding. He didn’t have to know that, though. I didn’t have to react.

  The sound of Loren’s piss hitting the bowl seemed to go on forever. I didn’t know how much he drank last night, but it must have been a lot.

  Finally, mercifully, it ended.

  When he turned, he didn’t even blink at finding me standing there. As if nothing was amiss, he stood behind me, trapping me between him and the sink. I could feel his morning wood brushing my ass since I’d stupidly chosen to wear only a T-shirt and panties to bed.

  With his arms caging me, he squirted soap into his hand. I just stood there as he lathered for twenty seconds before rinsing the suds away.

  “Good morning, baby fawn,” he mumbled when he was done.

  Good morning? Was he serious?

  When I caught him smelling my hair, I lost it. What he did last night was bad enough. Pretending nothing happened was where I drew the goddamn line. As smoke assaulted my olfactory, my first thought was to break his nose and maybe a couple of ribs if I could, but Houston would murder me.

  Option two it is.

  I spun on my heel and shoved Loren with every ounce of strength I had. Since he was hungover and not expecting it, he was forced back several steps before catching his footing.

  The confused look in his eyes only riled me up more because I knew then that he had no recollection of last night. Wasn’t that just great?

  He hurts me, and I’m the only one left with the memory.

  “What the hell is your problem?” he spat when he found his tongue.

  “I don’t see anyone else two seconds from losing their balls, do you?”

  As if I hadn’t just threatened him, he closed the distance between us. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I’m stupid when I drink.”

  I had no words as I gaped at him for that lame-ass excuse. Sadly, I’d given him more credit than he’d deserved. “So what’s your excuse when you’re sober?”

  He flinched. “Let me make it up to you.”

  “It means nothing when you can’t remember what you did.”

  He shook his head, his stare searching the deepest depths of my soul for a chance, even if it was a slim one. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about me hurting you.”

  “You should have considered that before it was too late.”

  “Braxton…” He stepped closer to me, and I immediately backed up. All it did was trap me again between him and the sink. Only this time, I was facing him.

  “No.” I shook my head, warning him off.

  He didn’t listen, and now he had his arms wrapped tight around me. Loren reeked of whiskey and the girl he screwed while he knew I was listening.

  Resting his chin on the top of my head, he sighed. “You’re too good for me, Brax. Consider last night me making sure you knew it too.”

  Slowly, his hand moved over my back, caressing and massaging, until all the tastes and smells assaulting my senses were under control. “You succeeded,” I told him while I pushed him away. “You can go now.”

  His smile was sad as he backed out of the bathroom. When I was finally alone, I tried to make sense of it all. How could it feel as if we’d broken up when we were never together?

  Without answe
rs, I had no choice but to face this new day as blind as I was the day before. When I stepped from the bathroom, Loren was sprawled across the bed, out cold again, making me wonder if I’d imagined the whole thing.

  I wasn’t the only one left awake, though.

  Houston, sitting on the side of his bunk, stared at the floor between his planted feet with an expression that gave nothing away. When his head lifted and turned, that changed. He stared at me like I was either a problem to fix or a puzzle to solve. When I lifted my chin in silent defiance, in his eyes, I found I was something more.

  An obstacle.

  A rock that would force a river to split if he didn’t find a way to obliterate it.

  I wasn’t just losing control of Bound. I was losing it altogether. With Braxton around, I didn’t know which way was up.

  This wasn’t going to work.

  She was Bound now, and that wasn’t changing until the tour ended, but that didn’t mean we had to torture ourselves in the meantime. The moment we reached Arizona, I was having her ass sent to another bus. All the easy access made it impossible to think of anything else. Braxton would be safer sticking her head in a lion’s mouth.

  My chest was still damp from my shower when I yanked my T-shirt over my head, but I didn’t care.

  I was on a mission.

  Leaving the bedroom, I followed Braxton and Rich’s voices to the front of our bus. Loren was still sleeping off another binge in his bunk. I wanted to be pissed at him for breaking our pact, but I understood him for the first time in years.

  Braxton had that effect.

  “The collection is huge,” I heard Rich recite. “They have over fifteen thousand from all these different places.”

  “Sounds amazing,” Braxton gushed. “I can’t believe I’ve never heard of it.”

  “I think you’d like it.”

  Neither of them said anything more, and it wasn’t because they noticed me standing there. I couldn’t see Braxton’s face, but Rich practically had hearts in his eyes.

  I couldn’t catch a goddamn break.

  First Loren, and now it looked like Rich would be a problem too. I shouldn’t have been surprised.

  History was simply repeating itself.

  Clearing her throat, Braxton broke the silence before I could trample on their little moment. “Do you think we’d have time to see it? If you don’t already have plans, I mean.”

  “No, I don’t have plans,” Rich rushed to say.

  Instantly, I wracked my brain for some shit to keep him busy until the show. I had a goddamn mutiny on my hands, and Braxton was the cause. She had me wanting to go against myself most days, and she wasn’t even my type. I liked something I could bend.

  Seeing enough, I made my presence known. Rich had the good sense to look guilty. Braxton watched me with those big round eyes like she saw into my soul and couldn’t look away.

  “Good morning, Houston.” Sensing my mood, her tone was wary. Maybe she’d survive us after all.

  Ignoring her good-natured greeting, I got down to business. “The show takes priority over whatever you two have planned today. We’re on stage at nine and not a minute later.”

  “Of course.”

  I laughed to myself, knowing that I’d pissed her off, but she didn’t want me to know.

  “You could join us,” Rich invited. I was surprised he’d want me tagging along while he followed Brax around like a love-sick poodle. “We’re hitting up the museum.”

  I knew without him elaborating which museum he referred to. The Musical Instrument Museum was by far the most interesting sight Phoenix had to offer, and it was still a snooze fest. They had a zoo and hiking trails with amazing views, but I doubt Braxton would be interested.

  “I just hope you’re a better tour guide than Loren,” Braxton teased Rich. There was still tension between her and Loren. After witnessing that little scene they made in the bathroom three days ago, I expected no less. “He offered to show me Vegas and then took me to some reincarnated version of Molly’s Game.”

  Rich and I made eye contact when she described The Palace. Loren was an idiot. I wondered how much money he’d thrown away this time. It’s been six years since his father disowned him, and Loren was still flipping him off any chance he could.

  “Loren only understands what serves him.” Leaning against the small kitchen counter, I crossed my arms as I looked her over. She still wore the clothes she’d worn to bed. Thankfully, I hadn’t caught her walking around in her fucking underwear again. “If you’re smart, he won’t have to show you twice.”

  Of course, she was quick to catch on.

  “What do you mean if I’m smart?”

  “It remains to be seen.”

  “Only if you think I give a shit what you think of me.”

  “You’re not special, Bambi. It’s understood that you do. Everyone does.”

  She let out a laugh that was entirely humorless. “It must be exhausting to be so in love with yourself.”

  “Why am I not surprised that you wouldn’t know, little girl? Let me guess…you respond to every little slight so everyone will assume you’re strong, and no one will know how insecure you really are.”

  She regarded me with no emotion, nothing to give her away. “Little girl?” she repeated pointedly.

  “Are you even old enough to drink?” I knew she was, but I wasn’t missing the opportunity to ignite her fire.

  “I’m twenty-two, asshole.”

  She called me that so much it was starting to sound like an endearment to my ears.

  “Wow,” I returned, feigning awe. “Old enough to drink for one entire year. Clearly, I had you all wrong.”

  “I’m only interested in your respect. You can keep your understanding.”

  “Stop throwing yourself at my bassist, and maybe you’ll earn it.”

  Braxton shot out of her seat, and I thought she’d take a swing at me. She had the intent in her eyes but no real conviction. It would have solved all my problems. I could choke the life from her, claim self-defense, and find a new guitarist—definitely someone who didn’t tempt me at every turn.

  Rich, who’d been silent, seemed to read my mind. Standing to shield Braxton from me if he had to, he begged me with his eyes.

  “I was not throwing myself at him.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  I didn’t want to talk about the two of them anymore. I didn’t even want to think of them fucking as a possibility. If one of us claimed her, she’d be off-limits forever. Knowing this made me want to put my fist through a wall. Braxton spoke before I could.

  “Why are you so threatened by me?”

  “Come again?”

  “You behave like a boy who’s just been told he has to play nice with girls. You trample, growl, and puff out your chest just to show me who’s in charge. It’s been three months, Houston. I’m still not convinced, but I finally know the reason why. I’ve been asking for your respect when I should have told you that you haven’t even begun to earn mine. I’ll make it super clear and easy for you, caveman. Start with this pretense that you hate me and drop it.”

  “I see.” Stepping toward her, I tossed Rich a warning look when it looked like he’d try to stop me. “And what if I’m not pretending?”

  “I haven’t done anything to you.”

  I held her stare for a moment just to gauge if she was serious and snorted. “I’m not buying this babe-in-the-woods bullshit, Bambi.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes, you do,” I returned with finality. I knew it because every time we got too close, her demons called out to mine.

  By now, Rich had both hands gripping his black hair, his silver and gold-flecked gaze wild with indecision. He wanted to come to Braxton’s rescue but wasn’t sure if she was worth the risk. Our friendship was rocky enough without this extra catalyst, which was why she had to go. If I were in his shoes, there’s no question what I would do.

  I would have never let
her attention be stolen in the first place.

  “Leave.”

  Rich had his rare moments of defiance—like now when his gaze shifted to Braxton, silently asking if she wanted him to stay. He wasn’t a pussy by any stretch. He just didn’t like making waves.

  I was always wound tight, Loren forever the rowdy one, which left Rich to be the calm before and after the storm. We balanced each other until Braxton came and tipped the scales.

  “It’s okay, Rich.”

  Even after giving him the okay to leave her alone with me, he stood there a moment longer.

  “I’ll be in the shower if you need me,” he finally told her before disappearing behind the door I’d just come through. The moment the sound of his footsteps faded, and the bedroom door closed, I was on Braxton.

  “You shouldn’t have done that.” The ponytail she’d pulled her hair into this morning was now in my grip. It’s what I’d been longing to do since the day she wandered into Savant’s conference room and turned my world on its head. When her neck was arched, leaving her throat exposed, it was all I could do not to sink my teeth in. “And you shouldn’t keep pretending you’re not aware of what will happen if you keep giving me lip.”

  “You’ll kill me?” she tossed back, reminding me of my bullshit threat a month ago. I wanted to fuck with her head, and though I succeeded in convincing her, I failed to make her give a shit. I shook my head as a smile crept up on me.

  The longer I knew Braxton, the less I understood her.

  “Let me go, Houston.”

  “Convince me that we understand each other.”

  “I told you what it would take,” she returned.

  “I don’t respect you, Braxton. I never will. You’re useful, but that doesn’t make you our equal.”

  For a moment, the little hope she held vanished from her big, round eyes. She looked lost and frustrated until that defiant gleam I hated so much returned tenfold. “Then what are we even talking about?”

  “We’re discussing the inevitability of you doing as you’re told. I’ll make sure of that.”

  “Will you? Good luck with that. The only time I bend is when I’m getting fucked, but we’ve already established that it’s not happening between us.”