The Cowboy Says I Do

by Sinclair Jayne

  “I’ve missed you,” Beck said, pain in his eyes, but then he smiled at the gathering groups of parents and students. “Showtime,” he said, echoing what she often said before one of his rodeo events or sponsor-driven appearances started.

  Ashni greeted the parents, reminded them of the official unveiling tomorrow morning before the start of the parade. She was surprised at how quickly everyone left, leaving her alone with Beck.

  He had stood a little distance off while she’d said goodbye to everyone, but now he was close—clearly trying to assess her mood, much like she’d seen him do with horses or bulls over the years. The thought made her smile. Maybe people weren’t so far up the evolutionary ladder as they thought.

  “I’ve missed your smile,” he said. “I’ve missed you. I miss us.”

  Ashni wasn’t sure what to say. How to look him in the eye and tell him about all the changes she’d set in motion, but she needed to do that—be fair. Be clear. She didn’t feel ready. It would feel too much like goodbye.

  But that’s what you wanted.

  Always the voice questioning her every move. She did want to stand on her own. But maybe it was more to prove that she could rather than wanting to be without Beck.

  They shared a child.

  The knowledge thrilled and terrified.

  “Let’s take a walk.” She could barely force the words through her suddenly dry throat and mouth.

  She could feel herself tremble as she laced her fingers with his.

  This was the next step. Where would it lead?

  *

  Holding hands was a simple thing, and yet Beck felt such pleasure as they walked across Court Street toward the courthouse. Crews strung lights through the trees in the park and set up the temporary concert stage and dance floor for the Saturday night steak dinner—a fundraiser for the Montana Cattlemen’s Association that was always followed by a concert with several live bands and a dance.

  He didn’t want to break the fragile peace between then, but he burned to ask Ash what her plans were now that the class was over—if she’d watch him compete or be his guest at the steak dinner and dance with him under the stars. He’d never had to ask before. She’d always attended social events with him. Bodhi and Bowen had always had to find dates.

  My turn to do the wooing.

  He watched Ash carefully lick, avoiding the peanut butter and chocolate to get to the pistachio ice cream—the delicate flicks of her tongue fascinated him.

  She hummed a little as she licked.

  “Ice cream seems to stay down.”

  “Have you been nauseous?” he asked, worried. Ash was already so petite and athletically slim. She couldn’t afford to lose much weight in her first trimester, which he’d read sometimes happened in one of the pregnancy books he’d downloaded last night when once again he hadn’t been able to sleep. If he and Ash didn’t get straight, he’d probably coma out by the first rodeo event.

  “Pretty much,” she said. “But not unbearable.”

  “That’s good,” he said, mentally reminding himself to research healthy foods that would be easy for her to keep down. “A walk in the park?” he asked lightly, bracing himself for her to brush him off like she’d done all week.

  “I would have thought you’d want to go by the fairgrounds.”

  Normally he would. To check on his horses and to get a feel for the space. Visualize his rides, his events. But not tonight.

  “Let’s do something different. What do you want to do?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “No.” He turned and faced her. “That’s just it. You often agree or defer, and that ultimately made you unhappy, and I didn’t realize because you didn’t tell me. So, you need to tell me what you’re feeling. And what you want and what you need.”

  Her expression clouded.

  This was so hard when everything with Ash had been so easy. Now he understood what the expression “walking through a minefield” meant.

  “Let’s walk in the park,” she said softly, “then maybe by the river.”

  “Sounds good.”

  He thought of things to say but rejected them. Too fraught or too accusatory. He felt like he’d been running on adrenaline all week and was about to crash. He wanted to avoid any of the places Bodhi might go tonight. If Bodhi saw them together, he’d probably joke with Ash about the dumb Rodeo Bride Game and how he’d be disqualified for roping Ash into it. He didn’t need any more outside interference with everything so tenuous with Ash. He was leaving his cousins to it. Building his future with Ash was too precious and felt precarious.

  Yesterday he’d caught Bodhi and Nico kissing on some hay bales they were supposed to be setting up for seats for the guests during the Ballantyne Bash. She’d had Bodhi’s shirt untucked and her hands had been walking all over him—nothing really new there, Bodhi had hardly lived a monk’s life and excelled in PDA, except this time he’d stepped in front to hide Nico’s state of undress, which Beck already had been trying to mentally unsee. Then he’d ordered him in a harsh voice to get lost. Bodhi had never minded getting caught. Ever.

  Beck breathed in the night. He’d faced bucking bulls, bucking broncs with and without saddles. He could wrestle a steer to the ground faster than most cowboys. He was known to excel during clutch moments, and he had no intention of screwing up the most important moment in his life.

  At least Ashni still held his hand, not actively, but she wasn’t pulling away, and he’d store that in his win column for now.

  “Do you think you’d like to teach more art classes to kids?”

  He was already picturing her having some hands-on art activities for kids at the rodeo meet and greets as the rodeo season wound down. Lots of sponsors and VIPs brought their families. Or when they settled in Marietta—if they settled in Marietta—she could teach at Harry’s House.

  “Yes. I would like that. It felt good to be creative, to be part of something. I had dinner at Sky’s one night, and she showed me her studio and we talked about art so late that I ended up spending the night. It was like college again—having a friend and making plans.”

  Her voice rang with enthusiasm. Alarm skittered through him, but he forced it away. This was important. He’d asked her to tell him what she needed. It was his job to listen. Not react. But he felt like she was still flowing further downstream away from him.

  They walked through the park, stood by the river and listened to the water burble. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back to his chest. It felt so good to hold her. She sighed, and he closed his eyes, just letting the feel of her, the warmth of her settle into his skin.

  He finally broke the silence. “Ash, I want to talk about the baby.”

  I want to talk about us.

  She made a little sound, and for the first time in what felt like forever, her beautiful, liquid-black eyes met his searching gaze.

  “I got in to see a doctor today.” She stunned him. “I’m nine weeks pregnant. Everything looks good. I heard the heartbeat.” Her palm drifted over her still-flat stomach. “I’m an us,” she whispered.

  Beck felt like she’d stabbed him.

  His first impulse was to lay claim, and he barely bit back the words. His emotions rioted inside of him like a bucking bronc out of the chute, only he didn’t have his center of gravity, and he was going to be thrown.

  “Beck?”

  He didn’t trust himself to speak. She was cutting him out of her life and their child’s life. And she expected him to just suck it up.

  “Beck?” She turned around in his arms, which had loosened.

  “You’re happy about the baby,” he stated.

  This time it was he who avoided eye contract. Instead he stared at the reeds that marked the river’s path farther downstream—lit by the glow of the lights in the park and the rising moon—trying to calm down. Not react.

  She didn’t want him.

  She didn’t trust him.

  She didn’t respect him.


  “Yes,” she said softly, wonderingly. “I am. I was shocked. I always wanted to be a mom. I know we weren’t planning on a baby but…”

  “So now we are a we? Am I in or out in your new plan? Would you just prefer I get back on the road and out of your life forever?”

  “I…Beck—” She broke off. “You’re angry.”

  “Hell yeah. Angry doesn’t begin to cover it. But since I’m trying to not let this be about me, and you clearly don’t want anything to be about me anymore, please enlighten me about what I did that was so terrible that you would not want me to be a part of our child’s life?”

  Her eyes filled with tears.

  He did his best to ignore them. She kept shoving him away. The hurt and frustration from the past week ripped out of him, and he didn’t want to hold back anymore.

  “Yes, I said something stupid to my cousin one time a month or two ago. I didn’t act on the question. I’d never act on it because I love you, and I don’t want another woman ever. And yet for you, voicing one question is such a crime that I must be cut out of my child’s life.”

  “I…well, not cut out entirely.” For the first time Beck could remember, Ashni struggled for words.

  Fine. Because he had plenty.

  “That’s generous. What about your role in the F-up?”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. What you should have done, if you were pissed about something I said, was get in my face and demand an explanation, not run away and nurse a wound that infects and festers without ever letting me know what’s wrong. I know I hurt you, Ash, and I am sorry, but you’ve got to give me something to work with. You have to tell when you’re pissed. Or when you’re hurt. You have to tell me when you’re bored or unhappy. You have to tell me what you want. You have to share your dreams with me. That’s what couples do. Communicate.”

  Her tears flowed freely now and he brushed at them carefully with his thumbs.

  “I can’t be your man if you don’t tell me what you want or feel.”

  She burrowed into him, and he held her. His heart slammed as hard as hers, and his breath came in tight gasps, but for the moment, he finally felt like he was on solid ground.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about re-upping on the tour.” He kissed the top of her head and then down her silky hair. Her arms were around him now, squeezing with strength that always surprised him since she was petite. “I’d been toying with the idea of when to quit the tour, checking in with my investment broker, trying to figure out how much was enough money.”

  She rocked back and looked up at him. “I didn’t know that.”

  “We always talked about settling in Marietta.” He watched her carefully, relieved when she nodded. “So I’ve been exploring other career options—stock contracting. Breeding bulls or bucking broncs. The cattle ranch can’t support all of us once we have families. We’ve always known we’d have to branch the business out.”

  Ash focused on him intently—her luminous gaze like a Montana starry sky.

  “But something happened to Bodhi. He changed after his birthday, and I’d been worried about him since the end of last season. He’s been off. Reckless. Mean. In my face. He’s taking chances, picking the rankest bulls and the rankest broncs. It’s like he’s trying to get hurt. And then he’s been almost compulsive, picking up women. I just feel like he’s this close to being out of control.”

  “Oh, Beck,” she said. “You didn’t tell me.”

  “He was cutting himself off, and I didn’t want him to be alone. And I didn’t want the burden to fall on Bowen. And Bowen’s more shut down. He hardly talks to me anymore. Doesn’t want to hang out.”

  “I didn’t see it.” Ash sounded remorseful.

  “Not your fault, baby. You and Bodhi are such friends. You share the love of science and are always discussing research articles and discoveries. He’s calmer with you. That night I thought if I talked to him, made him see how empty his life was, how he was burning himself out, running too hot, too fast, too…I thought I could make him see that he was limiting himself to just physical relationships and that he should slow down. Find someone. He deserves to be loved like I was loved.”

  Her breaths came in little puffs, then she reached up and cupped his face. He turned his cheek into her palm.

  “I thought you were bored with me,” she admitted in a pained whisper.

  “What?” The idea was so out there he couldn’t even take it seriously. “No. Never. Of course not. I saw you that day through the window in the musical theater room in high school and heard you sing, and it was like being jolted to life. I was done. I’d found my person. I’ve never once not felt like you are my one.”

  “Beck,” she whispered, fingers trembling. He turned his head and pressed his lips to her palm, savoring the warmth and texture of her skin. Then she did the most incredible thing. She took his hand and brought it down to cover her abdomen. And for Beck, who’d had a difficult year and an awful week, and who knew he and Ash still had so much to hash out, he suddenly felt the connection. Everything felt right and once again, he was on solid ground.

  Chapter Eleven

  Walking down Main Street with Beck felt right. She’d held him at such a distance all week and hadn’t realized the toll it had taken. She also had to admit that she’d shoved all the blame on Beck for letting their lives and their relationship drift, but during this week she’d gained perspective and saw how she too had played an equal if not bigger role in their problems.

  There was still so much to tell him. So much they had to discuss—and the sonogram picture to show him, but she felt like she could finally breathe. They could talk later. Now she just wanted to be Ash and Beck, together.

  She held Beck’s hand, and their bodies kept brushing up each other, like they often did as if magnetically charged. She leaned her head against his arm and just breathed him in, savoring his familiar scent and warmth.

  Many of the shops were still open, and the street still had quite a lot of foot traffic. Beck stopped in front of Sage’s chocolate shop.

  “Let’s get one of your favorite treats,” he suggested.

  She almost admitted that by far he was her favorite treat, but that would be like pulling a pin on a grenade, and Beck would hustle her back to her room. Part of her ached for that conclusion to the evening, yet another part still needed to hold back, protect herself. She was exhausted but until she was confident she’d hold strong and not fall back into old patterns of not discussing her feelings and wants, she didn’t want to jump back in bed. She needed to also support his dreams the way she wanted him to support hers. No more deferring to someday, or a vague timeline she didn’t help control.

  Beck heading back out on tour would give her some time to think and gain confidence in her new direction and to come to terms with an unexpected pregnancy.

  Beck cradled her hand in his and kissed each one of her knuckles, then her wrist. The soft brush of his lips and the warmth of his exhaled breath sent shivers darting through her.

  “Beck, don’t seduce me,” she whispered.

  Even she heard the “yet” in there.

  “I think that’s your fault,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t help myself when I’m with you. I need to hold you. I want to be inside you.”

  She stared up at him, mutely, unable to resist, even knowing she should.

  The kiss started so sweetly—just a brush of lips, but then Ashni felt as if he’d struck a match on her skin. She leaned into Beck, and her hands clutched the fabric of his black-and-white western-style shirt.

  “Ash.” His voice ached, and then he smiled ruefully. “Trying to be a gentleman here, and you, my beautiful girl, are not helping.”

  He held her close for a moment, and she could feel the strength of his body, the hard press of his sex, which blasted heat straight through her.

  “Behave,” he whispered.

  “You first.”

  He straightened up and laughed. “Not sure that’s going to h
appen, but I’ll give it my best shot.”

  They entered the store and the scent of Sage’s famous hot chocolate permeated the room, nearly drugging in its deliciousness. She and Beck looked over the chocolate selection. He watched her closely as if trying to suss out what she wanted before even she knew.

  She loved it all. She chose the individually wrapped chocolate cowboy boots, one for each of her students, and then some dark chocolate salted caramels—her favorite and also a few nut clusters to share with Beck. He, of course, insisted on paying for it all and included a box of mixed chocolate truffles for his mom and one for both of his aunts and a box of assorted chocolates for his granddad. He added a hot chocolate for them to split on top of it all.

  “We’re buying so much, Sage,” Ashni said as Sage’s niece, Portia, put bows on each of the copper-colored boxes. “You’ll have to get up early for tomorrow when the crowds really descend.”

  “Oh, they’ve descended.” Sage laughed and pushed her coppery-colored hair away from her face with her arm. “I’ve been coming in early and staying late all week to prepare, but it’s my passion, and I’ve got a good crew.” She smiled fondly at her niece. “Whipped cream?” she asked as she poured out the chocolate that simmered in a copper pot.

  “That’s the best part,” Beck said.

  Sage added a towering dollop, and Beck’s eyes widened. He reached for the hot chocolate, but Sage shook her head with mock disapproval and handed it to Ashni.

  “Manners, cowboy,” she admonished.

  Beck carried the bag of chocolates while Ash cradled the hot chocolate in her palms.

  They walked out of the store. The evening was a little brisk, but Ashni wasn’t ready to call an end.

  “Cold?” Beck was already sliding his denim jacket off and draping it around her shoulders.

  “A little, thanks.” She smiled. He’d always been attentive, often noticing how she felt or what she needed before she did.