Before I Say I Do

by Vicki Bradley

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  For Sylvia and Charles Richard Bradley.

  Mum and Dad, thank you for encouraging us to

  question the universe and to follow our dreams.

  Together at last and on your final big adventure.

  Chapter 1

  Julia Talbot

  Sunday

  My hands were shaking. I was terrified, but also elated by the promise of a new future: like waiting to be called for a job interview, but much, much more intense.

  Outside, the summer sun was trying to push through the white clouds, and I willed it on, as if the light would bring me luck. The hotel grounds looked peaceful, not a single person around, but the surroundings did nothing to calm my nerves.

  My palms were sweaty. Panic was building up in my stomach and rising to my chest. I took a long breath in, held it, and then I let it go. It was what my therapist had taught me to do.

  ‘Not long to go,’ Lucy said. She looked beautiful in her bridesmaid’s dress. I’d asked her to make sure everything ran smoothly, and the pressure was showing. She was like a coiled spring ready to explode. She wanted everything to be perfect for me. It wasn’t helping my rising anxiety.

  ‘We’re both ready,’ I said.

  Lucy nodded and then fussed with a loose strand of my hair, which had come free from my chignon and framed my face. She kept trying to tuck it back in, but it wouldn’t stay. She knew my fine hair was unmanageable, but today she was refusing to give up.

  ‘It’s okay.’ I moved away from her.

  ‘Sorry.’ She clasped her hands together. I wasn’t sure who was more apprehensive: her or me.

  I surveyed myself in the hotel mirror, checking every last detail, and smiled. My long blonde hair was staying up, a few delicate white pearls sprinkled throughout. My white dress fit perfectly, cascading around my feet. Lucy was reflected behind me in the glass, her brow creased with the strain of concentrating as she checked every detail too.

  I smiled at her and made tiny adjustments to my flowers and dress. I took my time. I touched up the pink gloss on my lips; the colour made them fuller. This was my moment of transformation. No one was going to hurry me. I needed to get this right. Everybody would be watching me, including Mark’s family. I had to be perfect.

  ‘How do I look?’ I grinned at her.

  Lucy’s brow creased and her lip wobbled.

  ‘Come on.’ I gave her a quick hug. ‘We promised each other we wouldn’t cry.’ She was meant to be supporting me, but here I was having to carry her, on today of all days.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ She dabbed at her eyes, trying not to smudge her mascara. ‘You look incredible.’

  She composed herself and then wrapped her arms tightly around me, her auburn curls brushing against my cheek. I untangled myself and held her at arm’s length.

  I couldn’t help but smile. Her curled auburn hair tumbled around her shoulders and her peppermint bridesmaid’s dress made her green eyes glow.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ I said. ‘It won’t be long until it’s your turn.’

  ‘It’s only been six months,’ Lucy said, but a huge grin appeared at the mention of her boyfriend, James. I was glad to see her so happy. She’d had more than her fair share of pain over the years. ‘Sorry he couldn’t come today,’ she said. ‘He really did try, but he couldn’t get out of the Dubai work trip.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘You’re here and that’s what matters.’ I gave her a twirl and she let out a little sob. Part of me suspected that her tears weren’t all joyful. She’d never been sure about Mark and had been very vocal about it at the beginning. When she realized that I wouldn’t give him up, she’d toed the line, but her concerns had always left me with a niggle of self-doubt. She’d known me my whole life; knew me better than anyone. I had found myself asking the same question over and over again. Was I making the right choice? But then Mark’s lopsided grin would come into my mind and I told myself I’d never find anyone like him again. The day I’d met him I knew we were going to be married and live happily together, always.

  ‘Come on, Miss Time-Keeper.’ I tapped my wrist as if I was wearing a watch. ‘Don’t we need to get going?’

  Lucy moved away. ‘Sorry. Yes. They’ll be here soon.’ She wiped under her eyes with tissue and touched up her foundation before picking up her bouquet; it matched my larger bunch of peach and yellow roses.

  I turned towards the door. As if on cue, there was a knock. A middle-aged man in a black suit marched into the room. He looked every inch the police detective, with his composed presence and the way he took control of the space. It made my heart stop.

  ‘Miss Talbot, my name is Henry.’ He thrust his hand towards me and I stared at it blankly. ‘I’m going to be your registrar for today.’ His hand hovered in the air uselessly and he tilted his head at me, a look of concern on his face.

  ‘Of course, thank you.’ I grabbed his hand gratefully, but shook it too fast in my relief. I caught a glimpse of my reflection glaring back at me from the large mirrors on the walls. I was frowning, and my shoulders were tense. I tried to relax. I was being ridiculous. Of course he wasn’t from the police.

  ‘First off, I need to check that you are Miss Julia Talbot,’ the registrar said.

  ‘I am.’ I smiled at him.

  ‘And have you ever been known by any other name?’

  ‘No.’ My skin prickled as I told the lie. Lucy’s face didn’t change but she gave a slight nod of approval. I could always rely on her.

  ‘It’s nothing to worry about,’ the registrar said chirpily. ‘Just part of the legal process. One always has to satisfy the law.’ I suspected that he’d never been on the wrong side of it.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I tried to relax. ‘I’m all over the place today.’

  ‘I’ve yet to meet a bride who hasn’t suffered with nerves.’ He patted my arm kindly, like a father would, and I felt pain needle sharp in my heart.

  ‘Will anyone be walking you down the aisle?’

  ‘No. I’ll be walking down the aisle by myself.’ My dad’s face came into my mind, the last time I’d seen him. He was cradling his head in his hands, his whole body shaking with sobs.

  ‘Right . . .’ The registrar was flustered by my answer. ‘And you’ve got one bridesmaid here.’

  ‘Yes, that’s me.’ Lucy nodded at him. With Lucy stood beside me, I could do this.

  ‘And who is your witness for the signing of the register?’ he asked.

  ‘Witness?’ I looked at Lucy.

  ‘When you and Mark sign the register, you’ll have two witnesses,’ the registrar said. ‘I believe Mark has chosen his mother.’

  ‘I thought his mother and father were going to be the witnesses?’ I said. ‘They both wanted to be involved in the ceremony.’

  ‘Sorry, tradition dictates one witness should be from the bride’s side.’ The registrar shook his head at me and smiled. ‘And I’m a stickler for tradition. What about your friend here?’

  ‘Oh. Yes, Lucy.’ There was only Lucy left on my side to be my witness.

  ‘Or maybe a sibling, to get them a bit involved?’ He clasped his hands together, waiting.

  My chest felt tight and a sudden wave of dizziness hit me. I heard Rachel’s childish laughter pealing through the trees, saw sunlight filtering through the woods.

  I had to sit down or I’d fall. Lucy g
rabbed my arm. She guided me to the plush sofa in the middle of the room. My legs buckled under me and I collapsed onto it.

  ‘Are you all right?’ The registrar rushed forward; his already wrinkled brow was furrowed deep. He seemed at a loss as to what to do.

  ‘She’s fine.’ Lucy bent over me, peering into my face. She turned to him. ‘I can be the witness.’

  ‘Do you need some water or something?’ He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, not sure where to go.

  ‘Great idea.’ Lucy rushed to the table where a jug of water stood and poured me a glass.

  ‘I’m all right,’ I said. ‘A little hot, that’s all. This dress is too tight.’

  ‘I have to ask . . .’ The registrar leaned closer towards me. ‘Is anyone forcing you to get married?’

  ‘No, no one’s forcing me to do anything.’ I couldn’t keep the irritation out of my voice. Why was he asking me that? I wished he would get away from me.

  His face relaxed. ‘I’m sorry – I have a legal duty to ask. It’s one of the standard questions.’

  ‘Of course.’ I tried to control my breathing.

  Lucy handed me the glass of water.

  ‘I’ll . . . I’ll leave you to it,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’ He hurried out of the room without looking back.

  ‘Drink the water,’ Lucy said. ‘It’s going to be fine.’ She squeezed my shoulder gently.

  Cool water slid down my throat. ‘Do you . . . do you think they know about what happened?’ I couldn’t look at her as I said it.

  ‘You’re being paranoid.’ She stood up straight. ‘How could they know?’ There was a sharpness to her voice.

  ‘You’re right. It’s just . . . I hate being the centre of attention. Everyone staring at me again.’

  She gave a brief nod but said nothing. We never talked about our past; it was our unspoken rule.

  ‘We need to get going.’ She handed me my bouquet and smiled at me. ‘It’s nearly two.’

  I smoothed my dress and glanced in the mirror one final time. The colour was coming back to my cheeks. Today my life was going to begin with Mark. He had been everything to me for so long now and soon we would be married. I felt a flutter of happiness at the thought.

  *

  We waited outside the ceremony room – the point of no return. Once I crossed that threshold, everything would change, my life would never be the same again. I was ready.

  But voices rumbled from inside the room; I’d expected silence. I glanced at Lucy, who was hunched over, fussing with my satin train.

  I thought of Mark. How we’d talked about this day for so long. Now it was finally here it felt different. Strained, maybe. As if everything was pulled taut and a single thing could rip it all apart.

  Lucy stood up and waited beside me. My feet were starting to ache and the underwire of my lacy bra was digging into my ribs. I tugged at my bodice.

  Lucy turned to me. ‘Shouldn’t someone open the doors for us?’

  ‘I would have thought so.’ I tried to remember what my wedding planner had said would happen at this moment. The voices still rumbled on through the door.

  ‘I can go in and find out what’s happening?’ Lucy suggested.

  ‘No, everyone will see you. Let’s give it a couple of minutes. David’s probably lost the rings or something. I told Mark he’d be useless, but did he listen?’ I’d never liked David. He seemed so superficial and didn’t strike me as a good person.

  ‘Tweedledum and Tweedledee.’ Lucy muttered under her breath, but then saw my look and realized what she’d said. She knew I hated it when she compared Mark to David. ‘I mean . . . you know, for friends, they’re very alike. Same haircut, same suits. That’s all. I didn’t mean . . .’ She blushed and looked downwards. I decided to leave it. Now was not the time to start arguing with my only bridesmaid.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said.

  ‘It’s fine.’ It wasn’t and she knew it. We waited for a few more minutes. ‘I put one-thirty on the invites. They’ll all be sat there waiting. This is embarrassing.’

  ‘The bride’s always late,’ Lucy said.

  ‘But I’m not late. I’m ready.’ My patience was wearing thin. I’d never understood that tradition. ‘Maybe you’re meant to open the doors?’

  Lucy peered through the tiny gap in the oak double doors, which were festooned with white ribbons and peach roses. ‘They’re all just sat there waiting.’

  ‘Well, I can’t stand here for ever. Open the doors.’

  Lucy was still trying to peek through the doors, stealing nervous glances back at me. She turned to me. ‘Surely someone should come out and open the doors for us?’

  I wasn’t going to stand here any longer. I set off towards the door with Lucy trotting behind me. She hurried in front of me and pulled open the doors, and then fell in line behind me.

  The ceremony room was not as I remembered it. People filled the room, mostly sitting, but a few were on their feet. They weren’t looking my way, and some were even blocking the aisle.

  Mark was at the front, speaking with the registrar, his back towards me. I remembered the first time I’d met him, when he’d come into my little jewellery store. I’d known he was different. I couldn’t stop watching him. He had a good eye for jewellery, selecting one of my favourite pieces for his mother’s birthday. I felt at ease with him. When he discovered I was the jewellery maker and owner, he was amazed. Most people see jewellery as frivolous, but he said it was art.

  He’d bought the piece and left, but the next day he came in again. He’d claimed he needed to buy another present, but it became clear he wasn’t there for the jewellery. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, and I couldn’t believe he’d come back. I knew in that moment that one day we’d be married and now here we were.

  I waved at the pianist to start playing and he frowned at me and shook his head. I mouthed ‘play’ at him and he shrugged his shoulders and began the canon, filling the room with a rising crescendo. All faces turned towards me, but no one was smiling.

  Gemma, a colleague of Mark’s, loomed in front of me, blocking my way. ‘Julia, you shouldn’t be here,’ she said. ‘Elizabeth was supposed to talk to you.’

  ‘What do you mean? Of course I should be here. It’s my wedding day.’ Had she lost her mind?

  ‘Get out of her way.’ Lucy stepped in front of me and pushed Gemma aside.

  I saw a smirk play across Gemma’s face as she shrugged her shoulders and turned away. I’d always suspected she’d liked Mark a bit too much. She’d certainly never been keen on me. Tears filled my eyes. Everything was blurred.

  As I stumbled down the aisle, the people around me gawped. One of Mark’s cousins put her hand over her mouth.

  I concentrated on Mark; he was a few metres away. If I could get to him, everything would be all right. He was in a deep discussion with the registrar, their heads bent towards each other. Those standing were blocking my view. I couldn’t get his attention without shouting at him and I wouldn’t stoop to that.

  Confusion spread through the room. The whispers grew. Elizabeth, Mark’s mother, was hurrying down the aisle towards me, a strange look on her face.

  Mark turned around to face me – but it wasn’t Mark.

  It was David.

  When Mark had joined the gym, David had too. When Mark changed his hair, David had too. I couldn’t believe I’d mistaken him for Mark. Of course it wasn’t him.

  I brushed the tears from my eyes and checked the crowd either side of me, but Mark wasn’t there.

  David hurried towards me, meeting me halfway down the aisle just as Elizabeth reached me. He was the last man in the whole world I needed right now, but I was stuck with him.

  ‘Your wedding planner was going to talk to you.’ His eyes darted from left to right, searching for her.

  ‘Where’s Mark?’ I grabbed his hands to make him focus on me.

  ‘I don’t know.’ He pulled his hands from mine. He wouldn’t look at me.
r />   ‘When did you last see him?’ It felt like I was free-falling as my stomach flipped in fear.

  ‘Yesterday afternoon.’ He glanced at me and then quickly looked away.

  ‘But you were meant to be staying at our flat with him last night?’

  ‘He didn’t turn up. I just thought he was with you.’ He pushed his hair back and his eyes searched the room, as if looking for an excuse to get away from me.

  ‘You knew he wasn’t with me,’ I said. ‘We told you we wanted to spend our last unmarried night apart. He was meant to be with you.’ Mark had been missing for twenty-four hours and David hadn’t told anyone.

  ‘Sorry, what do you want me to say?’ He put his hands up in surrender and moved away from me. ‘Look, I’ll try to call him again. We’ll find him, don’t panic.’ He pulled out his mobile and put it to his ear.

  My heart hammered inside my chest. Mark was gone. So, this is what it felt like. I’d been preparing myself for this for so long, imagined it enough times, but I hadn’t expected it to feel like this. As if my insides had been scooped out. An emptiness.

  Elizabeth, Mark’s mother, was wittering on at me. She was wearing a ridiculous, pink and gold, frisbee-like hat, which was balanced precariously on top of her greying curls. Her dress was white with a matching pink and gold swirling rose pattern, too bridal for my liking.

  ‘I thought you were going to tell her?’ Charles, my soon to be father-in-law, was standing up.

  ‘I thought the wedding planner had gone out to do it.’ Elizabeth waved her hand towards me dismissively.

  My cheeks burnt with shame. They all thought he’d left me. Snatches of gossip rushed at me. I felt my jaw tightening in anger. I wanted to scream for silence, but my voice had stopped working.

  Above me there were white angel sculptures flying out of the top of the stone pillars, their shoulders bent under the weight of the oak beams they were holding up. The effect was meant to be ornate, but the angels were suffering under their burden. Their eyes stared down, pitying me.

  I had come so close to happiness. I dropped my gaze to the tiled floor. God was getting me back for everything I had done. And I didn’t deserve anything less.