I hated that he said that. Personally, I felt like Veronica was the luckiest girl on campus—maybe in the world—to be with Caleb.
“She could have her choice of almost any guy here,” I said. “But she chose you. You’re charismatic and interesting compared to the cookie-cutter options. So, obviously, she doesn’t agree that being with you is a waste of time.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better about myself, Teagan? You’re supposed to be deflating my ego, not making it bigger.” He winked.
“As enjoyable as it can be to hurl insults at you, I also have to be honest, sometimes.”
He nudged his shoulder into mine. “Well, thank you for that compliment. Truly.”
Feeling flushed, I changed the subject, remembering a story I wanted to tell him. “Oh my God. You’re never going to believe who I ran into today.”
“Mark Wahlberg.”
“What?” I chuckled. “No! Why did you guess him?”
“Because I heard he was in the area filming a movie.”
“Really? Damn. I wouldn’t mind running into him, but no.”
“You like Marky Mark, eh?”
“Yeah, I do. But unfortunately it wasn’t him I ran into. It was Bo Cheng.”
“Ah, good old Bo Cheng. How’s my mate doing?”
“Get this—I was standing in front of this guy in line at the salad takeout place in the student union. And he started sneezing repeatedly. You know how when someone sneezes, you say ‘God bless you’?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I had to keep saying it over and over, until it was just dumb to keep going because he was sneezing so much. Then they called his name to pick up his order. It was Bo. And I realized it was THE Bo Cheng.”
“The myth, the legend!”
“Yes. Not only that, but it hit me that the reason he was sneezing was me!”
Caleb cracked up. “You’re a walking allergen, Teagan. Fucking hysterical. Did you tell him who you were?”
“Nah. No point. But I must have cat germs all over my shirt, which makes sense since I was snuggling with Catlin Jenner this morning.”
Practically crying, he wiped his eyes. “That’s some good shite right there.”
I’d been looking forward to telling Caleb this since it happened. His reaction was even better than I’d anticipated.
Caleb towered over me as we walked along Beacon Street. I wasn’t sure I’d ever realized how much taller he was than me. It was rare to be walking with him like this. Normally we were sitting across from each other.
We were about to pass the theater—my now-forbidden old stomping grounds. And damn it, they were playing a movie I really wanted to see. Caleb probably assumed the look on my face as I saw the sign was due to the attack. But it wasn’t.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. It just pisses me off. I want to see that movie.”
He stopped walking. “Really? Fuck it, then. Let’s go watch it. I don’t think you should go in there alone, but I’ll be with you.”
I hesitated. “I don’t want to make you sit through it just to protect me.”
“Are you kidding? I love movies about...” He paused and looked up at the sign. “Love in Prague.”
“That’s not the one I want to see. The murder one.”
“Same difference.” He smiled and gestured with his head. “Come on.”
An uneasy feeling came over me as I followed Caleb into the theater. But with each second that passed, that feeling was replaced by empowerment. I settled into the seat next to him, and it felt good to be back and to have my friend with me. It was the best of both worlds: being able to enjoy the movie and also feeling safe. The chances of being attacked twice here were probably pretty slim, but there was no way I would have taken a chance.
I also didn’t mind the chance to sit with Caleb for a couple of hours. When we studied together, we were never this close. But he always smelled so good, and the closer I was, the better to breathe him in. I pondered sneaking into his room when he wasn’t home to see what cologne he wore. I could buy it and still be able to smell him after he moved back to England. I’d never admit that to anyone, of course. I hated myself for even thinking like this. Nothing was going to come of my attraction to Caleb. Even if he weren’t leaving, he was completely out of my league. I just needed to be grateful he was sweet enough to accompany me here today.
The movie got going, and he seemed into it.
About midway through the film, though, I noticed that Caleb’s body language had changed. During a scene where the heroine was kidnapped and stuffed into the trunk of a car, Caleb started to fidget, and his hand, which had been resting on the arm of the chair, shook a little. His breathing became ragged as the character in the movie began to scream for her life.
“I need to leave,” he suddenly said.
What’s happening?
Without questioning, I followed him out of the theater.
Caleb panted as we made our way out to the sidewalk. He took a seat on the ground and said nothing as I sat down next to him.
That scene had apparently triggered this awful reaction, and I couldn’t begin to understand why. I suspected it had something to do with the big secret he’d said he might be able to tell me someday. Had Caleb been abused? Had someone once tried to kidnap him and put him in a trunk?
“I’m not gonna make you talk about what happened in there. But if you want to, I’m here. I’m not leaving you. Whatever it is, you’re okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
He blew out a breath and nodded, still trying to gain his composure.
Then he took my hand and looped his fingers with mine. It wasn’t a romantic gesture; I knew that. He had reached to me for support, because I was there. But also because he trusted me, as I did him.
We stayed there on the sidewalk for an indeterminable amount of time, Caleb resting his head against the brick wall of the theater and me alternating between watching him and giving the evil eye to onlookers who turned their noses down at us for sitting on the ground. I was sure some assumed we were about to ask them for spare change.
Caleb finally turned to me. “I think this fucking theater is cursed.”
He managed to laugh, so I followed suit. We were still holding hands when he stood and pulled me up along with him. Only then did he let go of me. As horrible as what happened had been, I certainly had enjoyed his touch.
“Let’s go home,” he said.
I nodded.
We walked together in silence as the autumn leaves crunched under our feet on the sidewalk.
Once back at the house, Caleb went straight to his room, and I spent the remainder of the afternoon in my own room, unable to stop thinking about his freakout. It pained me to know something had traumatized him.
***
Caleb wasn’t at dinner that evening, which didn’t surprise me, since he’d told me he had to work until closing at the restaurant.
Later, past 11PM, he showed up at the outside door that connected to my bedroom. Rather than enter the house from the front with his key, he’d chosen to come through the yard. He’d never entered through that door before.
I got up to let him in.
“Did I wake you?” he asked.
Returning to the bed, I said, “No, not at all. I was just watching a show on my laptop.”
He proceeded to lie right next to me on the bed—another first. He leaned his head against the headboard and closed his eyes.
After a minute, he turned to me. “I’m so sorry about today, Teagan. It was all I could think about tonight at work. I was supposed to be supporting you, and I completely fucked it all up.”
I moved to face him. “Are you kidding? You don’t owe me an apology. Clearly the movie triggered a memory for you. I understand that. You couldn’t help it.”
“You were supposed to be the traumatized one in that theater, not me. I feel a bit ashamed for how I acted. I’m so sorry.”
“Caleb, seriously. Plea
se stop apologizing. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“But I do, Teagan. I really do, and you don’t even know the half of it.”
When he looked at me again, the pain in his eyes was so palpable, I could practically feel it squeezing at my chest.
“I did a terrible thing,” he said.
My heart sank, but for some reason, none of this alarmed me. I knew from the look of pain on his face that he couldn’t have intentionally done anything terrible. Whatever it was, it clearly filled him with sorrow and regret.
“You can tell me. I promise I won’t judge you. I don’t care what it is.” When he remained silent, I said, “I’ve done some terrible things, too.”
He looked at me as I proceeded to vomit out the first thing that came to mind.
“One time, when Maura was eating a chicken wing, I wished she’d choke on the bone. I didn’t really mean it. But I had the thought, nevertheless.”
He cracked a slight smile, and that alone made my ridiculous confession worth it. That brief reprieve from his pain, though, did nothing to prepare me for what he said next. Nothing could have.
“Teagan…” He paused. “I killed my sister.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
* * *
CALEB
I’d never uttered those words aloud. I hadn’t planned on ever admitting it to anyone here, least of all Teagan. But after what happened today, I felt I owed her an explanation. A part of me wanted to tell her, not only to explain things, but because her own honesty had inspired me to want to open up to her, too. It just didn’t happen as organically as I’d hoped. What took place in the theater had robbed me of that opportunity, leaving me no choice but to force it out.
“Okay,” she said after a moment. “Still not judging you, by the way. Just so you know.”
I loved her for saying that, because it gave me the courage to continue speaking.
“It’s hard for me to talk about, because talking forces me to have to think about it. And when I think about it, I shut down.”
“It’s okay if that happens,” she said. “There’s no rush.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled until there was no more air left in me. “My little sister’s name was Emma. She and I, we were thick as thieves as toddlers. We were only one year apart. Even though I barely remember her, I have little glimpses—enough to know she was really there and I really loved her.”
Despite the tightness building in my chest, I continued. “My parents left us with a sitter one afternoon. We were four and three years old at the time. The two of us were typically easy kids to watch. We had each other, so we just played together.”
Teagan clung to every word, a look of fearful anticipation on her face. She nodded silently.
“We had this toy chest, a large wooden box my mother had inherited from her grandmother.” I closed my eyes briefly. “I thought it would be funny if I emptied out all of the toys and my sister got in while I closed the lid. Then she could jump out like a jack in the box. And we’d laugh about it. We had so many toys inside that the chest always remained open.”
Teagan blinked faster as she seemed to understand where this might be going.
“I assumed I’d just be able to open it and let her out after a few seconds.” I swallowed. “But once she got in, the heavy chest locked, and I couldn’t get it open.”
Teagan gripped my arm as I closed my eyes. There was no turning back now. I had to tell the rest.
My voice cracked. “My sister was kicking and screaming, and there was nothing I could do because it was just…locked.”
Teagan squeezed my arm.
“I panicked—ran to find the babysitter. Because we were supposed to have been napping, the sitter had gone outside for a ciggy. I screamed and screamed until she finally heard me and came back in.” I paused. “We ran back upstairs, and she couldn’t get the chest open, either. By that time, my sister had stopped...” My words trailed off.
She squeezed my arm again. “You don’t have to say it.”
Feeling exhausted, I nodded, accepting her permission not to continue.
We sat in silence for a bit until I said, “There’s no way of predicting when something will trigger the memory. That scene in the movie obviously did it. But I’ve seen similar things before and haven’t had a problem. For some reason, I couldn’t control my reaction today.”
“I completely get it now.”
“I try so hard to block it out and not think about it. Even after years of therapy, it’s not something I can get over.”
Teagan looked into my eyes. “I know on some level you know this…but it wasn’t your fault.”
I’d heard that before, but I could never accept it.
“I closed the lid. I told her to get in. Even though I didn’t intend for her to die, I caused it. It was my idea, and so it was indeed my fault, Teagan. It wasn’t my intention, but it will always be my fault.”
She seemed at a loss. How could anyone argue? I couldn’t blame them for trying, but the fact that I’d caused my sister’s death was not up for debate.
“For the longest time as a child, I wasn’t able to look at photos of Emma,” I told her. “Part of my therapy was to learn to tolerate it. I would sit there and cry and suffer through every agonizing second of having to look at her beautiful smile, realizing I had caused the end of her. I was never able to handle it outside the therapist’s office. Eventually, my mother gave in and took most of the pictures down. I only hope wherever Emma is now, she can forgive me.”
“Did you stop therapy?”
“I went from the time I was five until around twelve. It got to be too expensive. But I’m starting to think going back might do me some good.”
“It’s not really something you get over, I would imagine. Just something you learn to live with,” she said.
I nodded. “It’s not just the loss of the person, you know? But the lasting effects on those left behind. My father resents me, whether he realizes it or not. He’s always treated me terribly, and I believe it’s because on some level he can’t forgive me. He knows it wasn’t my intention to hurt my sister, but he can’t see beyond what I did. If I hadn’t made that stupid decision, she’d still be alive. And he can’t let that go. Neither can I.”
“I’m sorry to hear that about your dad.”
“I’ve spent my whole life trying to make it up to him, but it’s never good enough, because nothing I do can bring my sister back. He avoids me mostly, distances himself from my mum and me, in general.”
“Are you and your mother close?”
“Yeah. My mum’s great.”
“She must miss you.”
“She does. But she checks in a lot. Coming here was as much about escaping the situation with Dad as it was experiencing a new place. Here, I feel wanted. As much as my mother loves me, I just don’t feel wanted back home because of my father.”
Teagan continued to look at me, soaking all of this in. Bless her for being such a good listener and dealing with this crap tonight.
I forced a smile. “See? You thought you were the only one with issues, Teagan. You were so wrong.”
“I don’t think there’s any comparison…”
“Exactly. I’m much more fucked up than you.”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant—just that we’re fucked up in different ways.”
“Welcome to the fucked-up-by-parents club. Have a seat. Stay a while.” I smiled and looked into her eyes. “Thank you for listening.”
“Of course. I was super worried about you all day. I’m glad you came to talk to me.”
I definitely felt better now that I’d let it out. “Me, too.”
She hesitated. “Does Veronica know?”
“No. I told her my sister died in an accident, but I haven’t told her the circumstances. I haven’t really wanted to go to this place in front of her. Not sure why. I guess I’m more comfortable in some ways around you. I don’t feel like you’re judgmental.”
>
She nodded. “I’m more defensive than judgmental.”
I lifted my brow. “Perhaps.”
“But seriously, Caleb, you’ll never have to worry about me judging you over this. Ever. Okay?”
I didn’t deserve her acceptance, but I took it. “Thank you, Teagan.”
I looked over at the time. It was late. Yet I had no desire to move from this spot. But considering I had made myself comfortable in Teagan’s bed, it wasn’t cool for me to stay here indefinitely.
Forcing myself up, I said, “Anyway, I’ll let you get to sleep.”
“You don’t have to go,” she countered.
I don’t want to go. But I need to.
“I’d better. It’s late.”
She got up from the bed, too. “Okay…”
We stared at each other for more than a few seconds, and I got the sudden urge to hug her. It felt like the natural thing to do after she’d let me pour out my soul.
So, I did.
The moment I leaned in, she fell into me, welcoming it. Her soft breasts pressed against my torso. The nonjudgment she spoke of manifested itself through her touch. In her arms, I felt truly accepted. It felt good. Too good. Too good as in “more than a friend” good. “More than a friend” great, in fact. Thus, dangerous.
Her heart beat against me, and I was sure she could feel mine beating as well. The top of her head was right against my chest. I took a long whiff of her hair and forced myself back.
We looked at each other for a few seconds more before I waved and walked out of the room.
As I went upstairs, my heart continued to race.
CHAPTER NINE
* * *
TEAGAN
Even after a few days, I couldn’t get Caleb’s admission out of my mind. It was probably the most heartbreaking thing I could have imagined.
Then my mind would wander to the hug he’d given me. Though it was innocent, the warmth of his chest pressed against mine had lit a fire inside of me, one that still seemed to be simmering. Such a simple thing, and my body had taken it completely out of context. I wondered if he’d noticed the way my heart was beating out of control. My reaction was completely inappropriate given the sad circumstances, but I couldn’t help how attracted I was to him. Despite my not wanting to fall for Caleb, that seemed to be exactly what was happening.
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