Maura’s eyes lingered on mine, a mix of suspicion and amusement in their depths. She might have been the only one in this house that was truly onto my feelings for Caleb.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
* * *
CALEB
The month that followed Christmas flew by. Things were busier than ever. I’d taken on extra hours waiting tables at the restaurant, and the new semester was kicking my arse.
As a result, I was certain the rest of my time here was going to evaporate before I knew it. There was still so much I wanted to do and see in Boston, I hardly knew what to do with myself. I couldn’t bear to think about it.
But the thought of leaving the Carrolls made me even more anxious. I wasn’t ready for this reprieve from real life to end. It was truly amazing to be looked at with kindness and respect instead of resentment.
But what messed with my head the most were my feelings for Teagan, which had been evolving in a slow burn I couldn’t figure out how to extinguish. Since breaking up with Veronica, I hadn’t dated anyone else. I’d vowed not to make the same mistake again—leading someone on, only to have to break the news that it couldn’t go anywhere because I was leaving.
Between work and school, any free time I had was spent studying with Teagan or occasionally hanging out with Archie, whose company I could enjoy now that he wasn’t living under our roof. He’d started dating Angela, the girl he was living with in Dorchester. He, too, was spending a lot of time wondering what would happen when his time in the States ran out. But Archie had more freedom than I did to potentially relocate. He was finished with school and didn’t have a mother dependent on him for her mental well-being.
I’d given Teagan no inkling that my feelings for her had crossed the line beyond friendship, but that didn’t stop me from thinking about her when I lay down in bed at night or while I was in the shower. It didn’t stop me from wanting her. Basically, anytime I had a moment to breathe, my mind wandered to forbidden thoughts of Teagan, and what it would be like to have her just once.
***
My little problem became impossible to ignore one night when Teagan skipped dinner. That wasn’t all that unusual. She wasn’t always at the family meals, and neither was I. But on this particular evening, the reason behind her absence caught my attention.
“Teagan’s on a date,” Shelley announced.
I stopped chewing my chicken and perhaps a bit too urgently, asked, “How do you know?”
“I saw her getting ready to go out. She wouldn’t tell me where she was going, so I got suspicious. I looked out the window and saw her get into a car with some guy.”
Some guy?
“Interesting,” Maura said.
“Yeah, interesting,” I muttered.
Lorne sighed. “Well, Teagan doesn’t have to tell us everything. I just hope she’s not getting into cars with the wrong people.”
Maura gave me a slightly sympathetic look. I suspected she’d picked up on my feelings for her stepdaughter some time ago.
To my knowledge, Teagan hadn’t been on a date the entire time I’d known her, aside from the bowling night with Archie—if that even counted. It shouldn’t have surprised me that she’d gone out. You know, the whole coming out of her shell thing and all. That had certainly backfired, hadn’t it? Anyway, I needed to get over it.
My chair skidded against the hardwood floor as I got up. “Dinner was delicious. Thank you, Maura,” I said before excusing myself.
In my room, I did several repetitions of pull-ups to try to expend my nervous energy—anything rather than having to deal with my feelings.
My phone rang, interrupting my workout. It was my mother.
I wiped the sweat off my forehead with a towel as I picked up the phone. “Hey, Mum. It’s late there. Everything okay?”
There was a slight delay in her response.
I started to panic. “Mum?”
“Hi, honey,” she finally said.
“What’s going on?”
After another short delay, she said, “Your father’s been drinking again.”
My stomach felt like it had been punched. My father had been sober for the past ten years or so. He’d started drinking after Emma’s death, and the problem got progressively worse until my mother and his brothers staged an intervention. Everyone in the family had saved money in order to send him to rehab, and by some miracle, after those months away, he seemed to have left drinking behind all these years.
“How did you find out?”
“He’d been staying out a lot more than usual, and tonight he came home smelling like beer and slurring his words. It was the first time I noticed it, but I’m sure it’s been going on for some time.”
Sitting down on my bed, I rested my head in my hand. “I’m so sorry, Mum. What can I do? Do you need me to come home?”
“Don’t you dare. I’ll handle it from here. I’m not telling you this to interrupt anything. You’ll be back home before you know it. I just needed to let you know.”
“If things get out of hand, you have to tell me. I need you to keep me updated.”
“Well, right now, he’s asleep. So nothing is out of hand yet. But I imagine I’m going to have to figure out a way to get him back into a program.”
“I’ll send you money.”
“No,” she insisted. “I’ll see if your uncles can help.”
Back when Dad’s drinking problem first came about, I was obviously too young to earn a living. But I remember feeling helpless, because I believed the whole thing was my fault. If Emma hadn’t died, my father wouldn’t have started drinking. Now that I was older, I had to find a way to help pay for it.
“I don’t care what you say, Mum. I’m going to request more hours or get another job so I can send you something.”
“You need to pay for school. Your loans are big enough already. We’ll figure it out.”
I didn’t know what else to say, except, “I’m sorry.”
She knew my apology had more than one meaning.
“Caleb, I don’t want this to get you off track. That’s not why I’m telling you. Please stay focused on school. That’s how you can help—stay focused so I’m not worrying about both my boys at once. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said reluctantly.
After I hung up with my mother, I couldn’t rid myself of the terrible feeling her news had brought me. I wished Teagan were home. But of course, she was out on a date—where she should’ve been. Emotions ran through me: jealousy, guilt over my father. At the moment, I didn’t want to feel anything. But turning to alcohol wasn’t an option. My mother didn’t need me developing a drinking problem, too.
I finally took a shower to calm my nerves, and then I ventured down to Teagan’s room to see if by some chance she’d returned from her date. She hadn’t. Blowing out a long breath, I lay on her bed and kicked my feet up. I longed for her company. I knew she would’ve said something to make me feel better, at least for a moment.
Grabbing her pillow, I took a deep breath of her scent—a mixture of rain and something all her own.
I lay there for several minutes, pining for a girl I could never have.
Pathetic, Caleb.
I reached for my phone and scrolled down to the number of one of my co-workers, a waitress named Simone. She was older, in her late twenties, and had made it clear to me one night after my shift that she was interested. I told her I wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone while I was here in the States, and she’d insisted that getting involved was not something she wanted, either. Basically, she wanted to fuck me, and she’d invited me over to her place. At the time, I’d shrugged off her proposition, making some sort of joke, although I knew she’d been dead serious. She’d then taken it upon herself to enter her number into my phone. Until this very moment, I hadn’t considered using it.
I texted her.
Caleb: Wondering if you’re free tonight.
She responded almost immediately, a few seconds later.
; Simone: What a surprise. And for you, yes.
Caleb: Are you home?
Simone: Yup. Wanna come by?
Though it didn’t feel right, I typed the words anyway.
Caleb: Yes. Text me your address.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
* * *
TEAGAN
I was relieved to be home. Jacob had taken me out for sushi and a movie—not the creepy, desolate kind I normally enjoyed, but the mass-marketable, packed-theater kind. It was a nice evening, but I felt nothing more than friendship for Jacob. That was likely the reason I’d agreed to go out with him. As Kai had pointed out, that was my MO. He was safe and didn’t require any emotional work—or sexual work, for that matter.
I just wanted so badly to get Caleb out of my head. The sooner I did that, the better. So I had to make an effort to put myself out there. It didn’t feel natural, but I tried. Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about Caleb. Maybe he needed to be gone for that to happen. I hated the fact that going out with Jacob had only made me more focused on Caleb. I was well on my way to being crushed when he left to go back to England.
Kicking off my shoes, I lay down on my bed and curled into my pillow. My heartbeat accelerated when I realized I was breathing in his scent, strong and masculine. So Caleb.
Wait.
Caleb?
Caleb had been in my bed?
I’d just changed my sheets the night before. So there was no way this was residual from one of our study sessions. Hugging the pillow tighter, I continued to bury my nose in it, overwhelmed by longing—and confusion. What was he doing in my bed? Had he come down here to look for me?
I reached for my phone and texted him.
Teagan: Are you home?
Several minutes passed, and there was no response. I decided to go upstairs to see if he was in his room.
Maura was in the living room, watching one of her shows on Bravo.
She caught me before I had a chance to go upstairs. “Hey! How was your date?”
I stopped just short of the first step. “How did you know I was on a date?”
She lowered the volume on the TV. “I guess I didn’t. I just took Shelley’s word for it. She mentioned seeing you get into a car with a guy.”
I sighed. “His name is Jacob. He works at the aquarium with me. We just went for sushi and a movie. It was okay. Nothing to write home about.” I glanced up at the stairs and then back at her. “Have you seen Caleb?”
“He’s not here. I saw him leave a while ago.”
My heart sank. “Did he say where he was going?”
“No. He sort of rushed out of here, actually.”
“Damn,” I muttered.
A look of concern crossed her face. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just needed to ask him something.”
She paused a moment. “You should know that Caleb was at the dinner table when Shelley announced you were out with a guy. I wasn’t sure if you’d been keeping that from him intentionally or not. He didn’t seem to know.”
Shit.
It wasn’t that I’d planned to lie to Caleb if he’d asked me where I went tonight. I’d simply chosen not to advertise it. I knew I would’ve been jealous if the roles were reversed.
I wished Maura goodnight and returned to my room.
Still no response from Caleb, and I suspected he must be out with a girl. That gave me an upset stomach.
A little while later, I checked my phone again. An hour had now passed since I’d texted him. It was unlike him not to respond at all. I was desperate to know where he was, to ask him why he’d been in my bed, but sending him another text would have been pushy. I knew I didn’t owe him an explanation for my whereabouts. But we normally told each other our plans if one of us wasn’t going to be home at night.
As more time passed, I realized Caleb might not be coming home at all. I was just about to turn off my lights and resign myself to falling asleep when there was a knock on the outside door to my bedroom.
I jumped up. “Who is it?”
His voice was low. “It’s Caleb.”
When I opened the door, he looked tired, and his hair was a bit disheveled. He still looked handsome as ever, just a bit worn.
“Are you okay?”
He shook his head. “Not really.”
I followed my instinct and pulled him into a hug. He gripped me tightly, almost as if holding on to me for dear life. To be in his arms like this, to be held like this, was so different from the casual hugs we’d had in the past. His heart beat so fast against my cheek. The warmth of his hard muscles consumed me, and I wanted nothing more than to stay like this all night.
Even though I was afraid, I asked, “Where were you?”
He pushed away from me to look at my face. “How was your date?” There was a hint of disdain in his tone.
“It was okay.” I swallowed.
“You usually tell me your plans if you’re not going to be home.” His eyes lingered on mine for a few seconds. “But I understand why you didn’t this time.”
He does? “You do?”
After a long silence, he said, “Our relationship is complicated, isn’t it, Teagan?”
I sighed. “Why were you in my bed tonight?”
His brow lifted. “How did you know I was in your bed?”
“I can smell you all over my sheets.”
Instead of answering, Caleb climbed onto my bed and put his head on the pillow. It was too tempting not to go after him. We lay on top of the bedding, facing each other. He rested his head on his hand as he continued to look at me.
“I was worried about you tonight,” I said. “How come you didn’t answer my text?”
“I didn’t get it immediately. Then by the time I did, I figured I’d just come home.” He let out a breath that I felt on my cheeks. “You asked why I was in your bed. I needed to talk to you, and I came down to see if by some chance you’d come home early. I knew it was a long shot. When I realized you weren’t back yet, I just laid down for a while.”
“What did you need to talk to me about?”
“I was upset after talking to my mother.” He exhaled. “I don’t think I ever told you, but my dad is a recovering alcoholic. He hadn’t had a drink in over a decade.” Caleb sighed. “But he’s relapsed.”
I squeezed his hand. “Oh no. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”
“It’s not your responsibility to be at my beck and call. I just needed to talk. It was a moment, and it passed.”
“Is your mother okay?”
“She sounds like she thinks she can handle it. But I’m not so sure. She’s going to need my father’s brothers for support. If I were home, it would be different, even though she insists my coming back early won’t help.”
The pain in his eyes was transparent. Caleb blamed himself for all of this, and that killed me. It all went back to what had happened with his sister.
He played with some lint on my comforter. “Anyway...I don’t really want to get into it now. I’ve thought about it way too much already tonight, and my need to talk has passed. But that’s why I was in your bed.”
“Well, even if I shouldn’t apologize, I really am sorry I wasn’t here. I would much rather have been here tonight.”
My emotions bubbled up inside of me, and I felt my eyes start to water. That was not good. I just felt so much for him right now. Not only because of his pain, but because my being out with Jacob tonight had been so not like anything with Caleb. That scared me.
“Who was this guy, and where did he take you?” Caleb asked.
“His name is Jacob. I met him at the aquarium. He works at the gift shop. He took me out for sushi and a movie. It was nice...but there was nothing there. Pretty sure I knew that before I accepted the date. But I went anyway, because I really wanted to…get my mind off things.”
My words had backed me into a wall. I was torn between wanting to tell Caleb how I felt about him and wanting to keep it inside.
He cocked h
is head to the side. “Get your mind off what things?”
I took a moment to search for the words. “I feel like I can talk to you about anything…except my feelings for you. I feel stupid for letting it get to this point.”
That was too much. Now he was staring at me like he didn’t know how to respond—until he did. And his words completely shook me.
“You asked me where I was tonight, and the reason I hesitated to tell you is because in order to properly explain it, I have to talk about my feelings for you. And like you, it’s not easy for me to do that…because I never want to do or say anything that might change what we have, which is the kind of friendship that’s rare.”
My palms grew sweaty as he continued.
“When Shelley said you were out on a date, I got extremely jealous—and a little angry. I realize that’s ridiculous. But nevertheless, it’s hard to control your emotions. At first, I went upstairs to my room and worked out to expend some of that negative energy. But nothing was doing the trick. Then my mother called and gave me that news about my father’s relapse. That’s when I came down to see if you were home.”
While hearing he’d been jealous made my heart sing, I couldn’t fully appreciate it because I was scared of what he’d say next.
I braced myself. “And then? Where did you go?”
“I didn’t want to be alone, so I...texted this girl I work with. She’d made it clear she wanted to fuck me—no strings attached.”
His words sliced through me, and I pushed back a bit.
He fucked someone tonight?
“Teagan, all I cared about tonight was forgetting everything: my unreasonable jealousy about you, my father’s relapse and the blame I placed on myself—all of it. So I went over to that girl’s flat…hoping to…forget.”
“You don’t have to tell me the rest. I really—”
“Yes, I do,” he said. He took a deep breath. “One thing led to another. This girl was practically attacking me—ripping my clothes off, digging her nails into me—and instead of feeling turned on, I felt the opposite. I felt sick. I couldn’t even get hard. It was the most bizarre almost-sexual experience of my life.”
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