Almost?
“You didn’t sleep with her?”
He shook his head. “No. I just wanted to come home. And that’s what I did. I saw your text on my way back and decided that rather than answer you, I needed to see you. So here I am.”
I reached out and ran my fingers through his silky hair. It was the first time I’d ever touched it, and it was even softer and thicker than I’d imagined. Watching the way his breathing changed as I did it gave me a sense of power. This simple movement might have been the most brazen thing I’d ever done in my life.
Caleb shut his eyes, and I kept massaging his hair—until he fell asleep in my bed. And that’s where he stayed.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
* * *
CALEB
The vibe between Teagan and me definitely changed after the night I spent in her bed. And I didn’t quite know how to handle it.
We hadn’t been alone since, but the one time we were both at dinner, Teagan caught me staring at her. Instead of looking away, she kept her eyes on mine and smiled. I smiled back and inwardly cursed at myself for being so damn transparent. I’d been fantasizing about what her lips would taste like all through the meal.
It had felt good to sleep next to her, though we’d never talked about it. The morning after, she’d still been sleeping when I slipped out of the bed.
Tonight would be our first study session since then. As much as I wished for a repeat—to lie next to her again—I planned to repeat my mantra instead: protecting her was more important than whatever selfish desires I had.
Good luck with that.
***
Later, everything seemed normal downstairs in Teagan’s room—at least, at first. There was no mention of our night together, no discussion of what it meant or whether we would do it again. Instead, we dug right into our homework. I wrote out some math formulas while Teagan studied for her physiology test.
At one point, I looked up to sneak a glance at her. And I found her already looking at me. We must stop meeting like this, Teagan. I wondered how long her eyes had been on me and not her computer.
“Are you attracted to me?” she asked.
She said it so quietly, it barely registered.
Did I hear that right? I swallowed and tried to buy myself some time. “Hmm?”
She shut her eyes, shaking her head. “Never mind.” She buried her face in her computer again, her cheeks turning red.
Fuck. How could I ignore that question? I needed to admit I’d heard it the first time.
“You asked if I was attracted to you…”
She lifted her head. “So you did hear me.”
“It just took a moment to process.”
“Or you had to think about how to let me down easy.”
Is she kidding? I hadn’t been able to focus on anything besides my attraction to her lately. “Fuck no, Teagan. You’ve got it wrong.”
Her face grew even redder. “Forget I asked. Please. It was a mistake.”
I put my notebook aside and walked over to her bed, sitting on the edge—close but far enough to be safely out of reach. She had her legs crossed and licked her lips nervously. My dick twitched. Fuck. I was such a lost cause.
The truth was dangerous. But I was tired of denying things. It had been so much damn work for so long.
“Let’s be real for a few minutes,” I said. “I’ll tell you my thoughts, and you tell me yours. Be brutally honest. Alright?”
Her chest heaved. “Okay…”
“I am extremely attracted to you, Teagan,” I said softly. “That’s the truth.” I let out a shaky breath. “It wasn’t instantly as strong as it is now. When we first met, I definitely looked at you more platonically. But something changed along the way. And now I constantly dream about what it would be like to be with you.”
She licked her lips again, and my dick stiffened even more.
“But you know why I haven’t done anything about it, right? There’s only one reason, and that’s that I don’t want to hurt you when I leave.”
“I get that.” She shifted on the bed. “Lately I’ve been catching you staring at me. I can’t help staring at you, too. I’ve always had a crush on you, but recently I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what it would be like, either.”
I gripped the sheet of paper in frustration. She’d made her position clear, but I still needed to confirm exactly what she meant.
“You mean, you can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be with me…sexually?”
She bit her lip and nodded. I was about to come undone.
Teagan looked tormented. “I don’t like feeling this way—very out of control,” she said. “Whenever you’re near me, my body reacts. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode if you don’t touch me.” She closed her eyes. “Oh my God. I can’t believe I just said that.”
My heart raced, and it took everything in me not to leap forward and take her lips. Still, I managed enough willpower to stop myself. I wanted to know something I couldn’t figure out without asking her directly.
“Can I ask you a personal question? And feel free to tell me to go fuck myself.”
“Yeah…okay.”
“Have you had sex before?”
She nodded.
For some reason, I thought she might be a virgin. Now that I knew she wasn’t, it made me wildly curious about the circumstances.
“Only one time,” she clarified. “I had sex on my senior prom night. I’d basically planned to lose my virginity—to get it over with. It was stupid, and I didn’t even…enjoy it.”
Enjoy it. “You didn’t come…”
She shook her head. “No. It hurt. And it was fast and over with before I knew it. He basically broke my hymen, and that was it.”
Her terminology made me chuckle. “Did the hymen breaker have a name?”
“Zach.”
“Zach is wack. A two-pump chump.”
She laughed. “I’m not sure it really counted.”
“It didn’t,” I insisted.
“How many girls have you slept with?”
Blowing out an exasperated breath, I closed my eyes, genuinely trying to recall. “Don’t laugh. But this is my best estimate.”
“Okay…”
“Fifteen.”
Her eyes widened. “Wow.”
“Approximately two per year since high school. A few were girlfriends. Most were just one-night stands, though. And I used a condom every single time, even with my girlfriends, because I don’t trust anyone.”
“Good to know.” She grinned. “I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.”
“No, no, no, no, you don’t.” The thought of her “catching up” made me ill. “But I am curious as to why there was never anyone else after the hymen breaker.”
Teagan stared off. “I’ve had a tendency to choose people I know I’m not going to lose my mind over. That ensures I never really get hurt. But in turn, I’m not attracted enough to anyone to sleep with him. It’s a fucked-up result of my background—somehow not wanting to be like my deadbeat mother, or worse, end up hurt like my father. I’ve fucked up every halfway normal relationship I’ve ever had because I wasn’t attracted to the person. And I’ve always shied away from people I am sexually attracted to.” She blinked a few times. “Guys like you.”
Shit. I tried to make light of it, though I was freaking out inside. “I make it hard to avoid me.”
“That’s the difference. I don’t want to avoid you. You make me feel safe, Caleb—like I could let myself go with you, like you wouldn’t judge me if I took a chance and fucked it all up.” Teagan rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “I can’t believe I’m admitting all this.”
Her secrets were like a drug. She’d given me a little something, and I wanted more. Needed more.
My voice was gruff. “Don’t be afraid to tell me what you’re thinking. I want to know everything, even if I can’t do anything about it.” I leaned in closer to her on the bed. “I love w
hen you open up to me, tell me things you don’t tell anyone else. We’ve told each other some major secrets. And I think our mutual attraction might be the biggest secret we’ve kept from each other.”
She nodded. “I’m losing my mind a little when it comes to you, Caleb. That’s the truth. You make me feel all the things I try not to. Emotional things. Sexual things. I just feel so much. That’s something I’ve always worked hard to avoid.”
I let my thoughts escape me. “I feel it, too, Teagan. Every damn thing.”
“So what now?” she asked. “What do we do with this?”
That’s the question. “I don’t know.”
Sadness washed across her face, and she looked away.
“Look at me,” I insisted. “Let me explain.” I paused. “With you…it’s so much more than a sexual attraction. I admire you and have so much fucking respect for you. I know how rare it is for you to open up to someone, to give your heart to them. I can’t imagine letting you give any part of yourself to me because I’m leaving in a few months—not your heart or your body. It’s not fair. So I’ve felt like I needed to resist what’s happening between us with all of my might.” My control was slipping away. “The thing is, I don’t know if that’s realistic. Because as quickly as three months will fly by, it’s also an eternity when every second I can’t kiss you feels like torture.”
Her chest rose and fell. The next thing I knew, she’d leaned in and her lips were on mine—wet, plump, beautiful lips that tasted sweeter than sugar, the lips I’d fantasized about for so damn long. And now her hands were raking through my hair.
Groaning into her mouth, I let go, inhaling every bit of her taste, no longer caring about anything but this moment. Then again, I would’ve told myself anything just to be able to continue. As long as you don’t fuck her, Caleb, everything will be okay. What harm will kissing her do? Kissing never killed anyone. What’s the danger in touching her, tasting her? I was lying to myself, but I didn’t give a shite right about now. Not a single bit, now that I knew what this felt like.
Pushing my tongue deeper into her mouth, I couldn’t get enough. I needed to taste every inch of her. That thought made me worried that her family might walk in on us. But that wasn’t enough of a reason to pull back.
Threading my hands through her hair, I realized firsthand just how much of it she had. I wanted to bury my face in it. I wanted to bury my face in a lot of places right now. Whenever I’d slow the pace of our kiss, Teagan would moan and speed up, as if to tell me I’d better not stop. So I’d kiss her faster and thrust my tongue harder. I did with my mouth what I wished I could with my body. This would have to be the limit.
No sooner than I’d had that thought, I found myself on top of her, pinning her beneath me as our kiss grew even deeper, more intense. My cock was so hard, it felt like it might break in half. Teagan’s moans of pleasure were causing me to lose my mind.
Then her leg accidentally hit the end table. The noise scared the living crap out of me, because for a second, I thought someone had walked in. That was enough to force me up to lock the door. Not sure how we would explain the door being locked if someone came down, but it was better than getting caught.
As I returned to the bed, my dick stuck straight up through my gray joggers, still harder than a fucking rock. Teagan’s eyes were fixed firmly on my groin, and that certainly wasn’t helping the situation. Whatever it was we were doing, I was determined to keep my dick in my pants—where it belonged until I got back to England.
Teagan panted, looking hungry for me. As much as I wanted to resume devouring her lips—and move on to other things—that near-miss was a wake-up call. What if it had been Maura? She and her husband had been so good to me, opening their home and making me feel like part of their family. And this was how I thanked them? By messing around with their daughter? I needed to take a step back.
I returned to the bed, lying back against the headboard before turning to her. “We’ve crossed a dangerous line.”
Teagan’s expression bled disappointment. “I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”
Running my hands through my hair, I said, “Yeah. Well, I’m not sure I can.”
Her eyes brimmed with confusion. “What are you saying?”
“Just that we need to be careful.” I pulled on my hair. “I don’t even know what that means. I just don’t want to fuck everything up by taking things too far.”
She looked like she might cry. I was doing a horrible job explaining this.
“Teagan, you’re the best fucking friend I’ve ever had. I’ve never told you that, but now you know. And there’s about to be an ocean between us. I can’t complicate your life and then leave. I won’t do that to you. You mean too much to me.”
That was the most ridiculous statement I’d ever uttered, because this was already complicated.
Her face crinkled in torment. “What do we do with the time we have left?”
“I don’t know. I’m very confused. We just need to be careful.”
“What does that mean?” she repeated.
Fuck if I know. “Maybe study upstairs instead of down here,” I said, though it killed me. Our study sessions were my favorite part of the week.
Even as I said it, my hand traveled over to touch her hair. I ran my hands through the strands as she closed her eyes. It reminded me of what she’d done the night I slept in her bed. I’d fallen asleep as she massaged my hair.
I wanted to pull her toward me and claim her mouth again, but instead I leaned in and placed a single kiss on her forehead before forcing myself off of her bed. It might have been the most mature decision I’d ever made.
“I should go upstairs.”
She wouldn’t look at me as she said, “Okay.”
Teagan seemed downright gutted, and there was no one to blame for that but me. I’d kissed her, led her on, and told her there wasn’t a chance for us.
Nice work, arsehole.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
* * *
TEAGAN
I suppose the one good thing about avoiding being alone with Caleb was that we were making a point to hang out together more outside of the house. He’d meet me at the aquarium after my internship and we’d walk around downtown, browsing the stores or getting something to eat.
As for our study sessions, we moved those upstairs to the spare living room, a space no one ever used because there was no television there. It finally had a use—as a cockblocker.
Caleb had also been picking up extra hours at the restaurant. He didn’t say why, but I suspected it was to send money home to his mother. I knew he felt like he needed to help with his father’s rehab costs. From what he’d told me, though, his mother had been having trouble convincing his dad to get help this time around, so he’d yet to enter a program.
One Saturday afternoon, I thought Caleb was at work, but instead he came to find me downstairs. He stayed in the safe space of the doorway as he asked, “Have any interest in going to Harvard Square this afternoon? I have the day off. Archie and Angela want to meet up there.”
I didn’t have to think about it. With the days until Caleb’s departure dwindling, I’d take any opportunity to hang out with him, especially outside the house where things were “safe.”
“Yeah. That sounds awesome. I haven’t been there in a while.”
“Cool. We’ll leave at three, then?”
“Sounds good.”
A giddy excitement came over me whenever I knew I’d be spending time with him. Even though we’d discussed setting a clear boundary between us, going out together always felt like a date—minus the physical contact.
Lately, I found myself being very passive aggressive, though. I’d wear clothing that clung to my body, put on a little eye makeup, and do my hair so it was long and sleek. I played up my sexuality, because as much as I knew he was leaving, I still wanted him to want me, and I still held out hope that he would kiss me again. That was an immature and selfish way of thinking, but I could
n’t help it. I was completely smitten. I was tempted to tell him I wanted him anyway, even if he was leaving. Would it make me seem cheap to admit such a thing? Maybe I was kidding myself, thinking I’d be able to survive the outcome of that.
Caleb’s eyes widened when he entered the foyer where I was waiting at 3PM.
“You look really beautiful,” he said.
Chills ran down my spine. “Thank you.”
His heated gaze trailed down my body, then up again and lingered on my eyes. “Shall we go?”
“Yeah.”
Even walking alongside him made my body react. The entire way to the trolley line, I had the urge to grab his hand. But I didn’t. Regardless of how I was feeling, I would never make the first move again. After all, it was me who’d kissed him that night. Technically, he’d never initiated anything.
It was chillier than I’d expected. The temperatures were forecasted to be on the warmer side, but apparently not mild enough to be without a jacket. I hadn’t worn one because I didn’t want to ruin the look I’d worked so hard to achieve—you know, the look I stupidly hoped would make Caleb lose control. As we waited at the trolley platform, he took off his hoodie and placed it around my shoulders.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“You’re shivering. Of course I do.”
“But now you’ll be cold yourself.”
“I’ll buy something at one of those stands in Cambridge. Maybe a sweatshirt that says Harvard on it so people will think I’m an Ivy Leaguer.”
Should I tell him? “I got into Harvard.”
He shook his head with a smile. “That doesn’t surprise me one bit. You’re a genius. Why didn’t you go?”
“The marine biology program at Northern was a better fit for me. Plus, I didn’t get any financial aid and would’ve had to live there. It was just too expensive. In the end, I made the most practical decision.”
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