Just One Year

by Ward, Penelope

  “Still damn impressive to be able to say you got in.” He pulled the drawstrings of the hoodie I was now wearing. “One of the things I admire about you is that you know what you want, and you don’t make decisions just because they seem right on paper. You go with your gut and your passion. You’ve always known you wanted to be a marine biologist, even though it may not be a common choice. I envy that.”

  Go with your gut. His words were ironic, because they reminded me of how I felt about him. He was leaving, and he wasn’t right for me on paper, yet every moment I was with him felt right, despite the odds stacked against us.

  “You’ll figure out what you want to do,” I told him. “So many people change their minds after college, and many don’t end up using their degrees for their chosen career.”

  He laughed. “You always have a way of making me feel better when I’m feeling like a fuck up. How do you do that?”

  I shook my head. “You’re not a fuck up. Before you came, I barely left my room. You made me want to come out and live. I’d say you’re a pretty good influence.”

  “Can’t say I’ve ever been called a good influence before. Usually it’s the opposite.” He stared at me long and hard. “I need more fucking time here,” he whispered. “But if I had that, it would only be harder to go.”

  I understood that to my core.

  The trolley arrived, interrupting our conversation. There were no seats, and it was pretty crowded, which made sense since it was a sunny day. That meant more people would be traveling into the city to enjoy the nice weather.

  As we stood together in a corner of the car, I remembered again my plan to buy his cologne after he left and spray it on my sheets. At one point, the trolley stopped short, sending me right into his chest. He held me there for a moment, placing his hand firmly on my back, right over my bra strap. Those seconds in his arms felt incredible. I looked up, and he looked down at me. The sexual tension between us was particularly high today.

  Please kiss me.

  But he didn’t.

  After he let go of me, even though the moment had passed, the ache of longing remained in my chest.

  ***

  Once we got to Harvard Square, Caleb did as he’d promised, purchasing a Harvard hoodie, although apparently it wasn’t for him; it was for me.

  “You’re the one who should be wearing this proudly. The girl who turned Harvard down. Badass.”

  Though I appreciated the gesture, I was reluctant to part with my current Caleb-scented hoodie. But when he handed it to me, I put on the new white and burgundy one with the Harvard logo.

  He zipped it up, his long, gorgeous fingers grazing my chest like electric shocks.

  “It looks good on you,” he said.

  We met Archie and Angela at a Chinese restaurant in Harvard Square. I knew Archie was coming to the end of his three-month stay in Boston, and given my vested interest in such matters, I was curious about what his leaving might mean for them.

  Archie and Caleb shared a Scorpion bowl, and I sipped a Coke. Angela had a glass of white wine.

  As we waited for our food, I finally garnered the courage to ask her. “So, I know Archie’s leaving soon. What are you two gonna do?”

  Angela brushed her long black hair to the side and seemed to shrug the whole thing off. “We’ll play it by ear. We don’t know if it’s going to work long-distance, but I’d like to try.” She looked over at Caleb and back at me. “What about you two?”

  I felt flushed. “Oh…we’re not together.” I glanced at Caleb nervously.

  “Are you kidding?” She turned to Archie. “I thought you said they were dating.”

  “No, I said Caleb wanted her.”

  I swore I heard a record screeching.

  She cringed. “Sorry. You guys are just so cute together. And the way you look at each other... I assumed...”

  I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol going to his head or what, but rather than ignore her comment, Caleb decided to address it head on.

  “You’re right, Angela. I’ve made no secret of my feelings toward Teagan. Every moment we’re together, I’m trying harder not to want her. But I made a decision not to do anything about it, because I’m leaving soon. She’s aware of that.”

  I was formulating my response when he added, “But many days—especially today—I feel like saying fuck it, because...” He turned to meet my gaze. “Well, look at her.”

  My entire body filled with heat as I stared into his eyes, wanting him.

  She sighed. “Wow. Repressed feelings are so hot. I’d put my money on you losing the battle, Caleb.”

  I slipped my hand under the table and found his. He looped his fingers with mine and squeezed. We held hands for the remainder of our time at the restaurant.

  I didn’t know if Caleb’s admission changed anything, but as we walked around Harvard Square that night, I was in sort of a daze, still thinking about what he’d said at the restaurant.

  It was close to eleven by the time Caleb and I caught the train and then transferred to the trolley that would take us home.

  There were plenty of seats, but Caleb chose to stand in the corner, so I stood across from him rather than sit. We stared at each other more blatantly than usual. His eyes looked almost pained, displaying the conflict swirling around in his mind.

  “I want to kiss you so badly right now,” he finally whispered.

  I gripped his shirt as we swayed from the motion of the train. As I looked up at him, I silently begged for him to give in to his need. He leaned in and let out a frustrated breath before taking my mouth with his. Grabbing his shirt for balance, I felt my legs go weak as I succumbed to his lips. Our tongues collided, and our bodies pressed together. His hands were buried in my hair, which was probably the only thing keeping me from collapsing into a pile of mush on the trolley floor.

  His hands left my hair and slid down my back, landing on my ass. The muscles between my legs pulsated as I felt his erection pressed against me through his jeans. I’d never been more turned on in my life. My panties were already wet. The way he worked his tongue around my mouth made me wonder what else he could do with it. And that only made me wetter.

  “You’re driving me mad, Teagan,” he spoke over my lips.

  I pushed my mouth against his, eager to taste even more of him, if that were possible. The heat of his breath, the feel of his body against mine was almost too much to bear.

  A half-hour must have passed before we realized we’d completely missed our stop. We wound up at the end of the trolley line just as the conductor announced that it was the last car of the night. So we couldn’t even take it back the other way.

  “I’ve taken things too far in more ways than one tonight,” Caleb said with a laugh.

  After we got off the trolley, I wasn’t even sure where we were. We sat together on a nearby park bench and held hands, looking up at the stars.

  Maura texted to make sure I was okay, and I told her I was safe with Caleb. She didn’t ask anything more than that.

  Caleb noticed me looking down at my phone. “Was that Maura?”

  “Yeah. I told her I was with you and I was safe.”

  He shook his head at the night sky. “She’s gonna hate me.”

  “That’s not true. She loves you.” I might love you, too.

  I moved to straddle him on the bench, and he adjusted so he was no longer pressing into me. But I could still feel how hard he was between my legs.

  He buried his face in my neck and whispered over my skin, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Teagan.”

  His words touched my heart. “Neither have I,” I panted, kissing his neck.

  He pushed me back a bit so he could look at me. “I’m terrified of these next several weeks. I’ve tried so hard not to fall for you. But the harder I try to avoid it, the worse it is.”

  I moved down off of him, opting to sit next to him, and I placed my head on his shoulder.

  “I miss being alone with you,” I said
. “Studying with you in my room, late night chats—all because you’re avoiding the possibility that we’ll cross the line. But in the meantime, we’re losing precious time together before you leave.” I turned to him and placed my hands around his face, bringing his eyes to mine. “I’m not gonna break, you know. Even if we lose control, I’ll be okay.”

  He placed his hands over mine, lowering them to his lap. “How can you possibly say that? Are you really that strong? Because I know I will not fucking be okay, Teagan.”

  I felt sick. “At this point, I’m already going to be crushed when you leave. I’ve been falling for you for a very long time, even back when you were with Veronica.”

  “Yeah?” He smiled, seeming a bit surprised.

  “Yes.”

  “I never considered staying for her. But for you, I want to stay forever. Before my mother told me about my father’s relapse, I went to the school to see if there was a way I could extend my stay. But they told me it wasn’t possible, that the program is only meant to be for one year. They confirmed that I have to go back.”

  “I didn’t know you did that.”

  “Well, even if they had told me I could stay, I’d likely have to go back now. I can’t leave my mother to deal with that alone.” He blew out a long breath. “It just sucks.”

  Laying my head on his shoulder again, I said, “It does.”

  “I want to stay here. Please understand that.”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  “I don’t want to stay away from you anymore. But we can’t sleep together. Alright? I have to draw a line somewhere. But I’m done avoiding you. I want to spend all the free time I have left with you. And I want to kiss the hell out of you every chance I get.”

  I looked up at him and smiled. “It’s a deal.”

  We fell into another kiss on that park bench and stayed there for at least an hour. We eventually called an Uber to take us home.

  I didn’t fully understand what difference it would make if we had sex at this point. My heart was already in so deep it was breaking. It didn’t matter if Caleb was physically inside of me. He was already inside my heart and soul.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  * * *

  CALEB

  Every day I felt more attached to Teagan, and even though we were spending every moment we could find kissing and touching, I hadn’t dared to venture below the waist. There was only so much we could do down in her room anyway with her family right upstairs. Consequently, my dick was so hard most of the time I was certain it was going to combust. I was the holdout, and I kept convincing myself I was doing the right thing, but with every moment we spent together, stopping felt less and less natural.

  I’d taken on more hours at the restaurant, but today I had a rare Friday night off. And I really wanted to spend it with Teagan.

  She normally got back from her internship about five-thirty on Friday nights. It was five forty-five, so I went downstairs to her room. It was empty, so I lay down on her bed and rang her.

  “Hey,” she answered,

  “Where are you?”

  “I have to stay late tonight—until seven. I get to help clean out some of the tanks, though.”

  “Only you would be excited about cleaning fish shit.”

  “I never said it excited me, but you know me so well.”

  “Indeed I do.” I sighed, imagining the way she was probably smiling right now. “So you’ll be back around seven-thirty? I miss your face.”

  “Yeah, another couple of hours or so.”

  “Shit. Alright. I guess I can wait here for you in your bed.”

  “You’re in my room?”

  “Yes. It’s how I knew you weren’t here.”

  “Don’t go searching in my drawers or anything.”

  “Well, now that you’ve said that, you’ve got me curious. Please tell me you have a vibrator or porn in here somewhere.”

  “How else do you think I deal with my constant pent-up sexual frustration? It has to be released somehow.”

  Christ. I hadn’t been serious, but now I might walk around hard all night.

  “I have to go,” she said.

  “You can’t just say something like that and hang up on me.” I laughed.

  “Goodbye, Caleb.”

  ***

  Restless and thinking about nothing but Teagan masturbating, I didn’t feel like waiting for her to come home. So I took the train to the aquarium to surprise her. I figured maybe we could grab a bite to eat downtown after her shift.

  When I entered the building, I was surprised to see her standing at the counter of the gift shop. A guy I assumed was that Jacob bloke who’d taken her out once leaned toward her, getting way too close for my comfort.

  A rush of adrenaline coursed through my veins, though she was merely talking to him. In a flash I saw the future where I wouldn’t be around for Teagan, a future where she’d go on to date other guys, fall in love, and have lots of sex—not with me. I couldn’t control any of that from an ocean away.

  She hadn’t seen me yet. Maybe I should just turn around and go home. But that didn’t feel right. What did feel right was interrupting.

  “Are you off the clock?” I asked as I approached.

  Teagan turned at the sound of my voice. “Caleb.”

  The smile on her face took away much of my uneasiness. She seemed happy to see me.

  “Hi,” I said, shifting to glare at Jacob.

  “Jacob, this is Caleb.”

  “Hey,” he said, looking like I’d rained on his parade.

  Maybe I’d pissed on it. Either way, it was my pleasure.

  “Hi,” I muttered before turning back to her. “Are you done?”

  “Yeah. Got finished early. Let me get my stuff.”

  As I waited for her, Jacob and I gave each other the evil eye. That stoked the flames of my jealousy.

  When Teagan rejoined me, I took her hand and gave Jacob a smug look before we left. It wasn’t my most mature moment, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.

  I waited until we were outside to do what I really wanted to. I backed Teagan against the wall of the building and devoured her mouth, shoving my tongue inside not so gracefully, more possessively. She didn’t question it, though. Instead, she opened wide and let me have my way with her. She pulled my hair and moaned into my mouth. And now, finally, I had what I needed to calm my damn nerves.

  After a few minutes, I reluctantly ripped myself away.

  She covered her mouth. “What was that for?”

  I gritted my teeth. “That was me bloody jealous as all hell.”

  “You know I’m not into Jacob.”

  “It’s not really him that’s bothering me—more the idea of him, future guys I won’t be able to protect you from because I won’t be here.” I shut my eyes in an attempt to grab my bearings. “You deserve the world, Teagan. Someone who appreciates how amazingly smart, funny, witty, and caring you are. You’re gonna make someone so happy someday.”

  I hadn’t expected to say that, and I didn’t like the bitter taste those words left with me. It was unnatural to say them, because I didn’t want her with anyone else. I wanted her with me.

  Her eyes shone with tears, and she echoed exactly what I’d been feeling inside. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you.”

  What was I supposed to say to that? Sorry? You can’t have me?

  I wanted her so damn badly right now—in every way.

  “I just wish we could go somewhere right now,” she said.

  I brushed a hair off her face. “Somewhere?”

  “Somewhere away from everyone. Somewhere we could be alone.”

  My heart beat faster by the second because I knew I was readying to give her what she wanted. “If we were totally alone, that would be very bad. You know that, right?”

  “Yes, I do,” she answered immediately.

  The raw sexual hunger in her eyes likely mirrored my own. I sometimes treated Teagan like an innocent girl when she was very much a wom
an—at least, in this moment she seemed to be. She needed me just as much as I needed her.

  Pulling her by the hair gently toward me, I growled over her lips. “You want that, don’t you? You want me to lose control.”

  The sounds of the city faded away.

  “Yes. Very much.” Teagan trembled.

  I rubbed my hands over her arms. “Jesus. You’re shaking.”

  “You’ve been so scared to touch me, Caleb. I’m scared I’ll never know what it’s like to be with you, that I’ll always wonder. We’re running out of time, and I can’t focus on anything else. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  Taking her face in my hands, I brought her mouth to mine again as my heart pummeled against my chest. As our tongues collided, I knew I’d finally reached my breaking point. For the first time since I’d developed feelings for her, letting go felt like the only choice.

  When I released her lips, I took her hand. “Come on.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll see,” I said.

  She followed me down the street, our pace hurried. It was just a short walk to the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

  When we arrived, I pushed through the revolving doors in a haze. My heart beat out of my chest as we approached the front desk. My ears pounded right along with it.

  “Do you have an available room?”

  Now it was up to fate. If they didn’t have a room, that would be a sign from the universe that this was all a mistake.

  The clerk clicked on some keys. “Just one night?”

  Thump.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  Was that my head or my ears?

  I cleared my throat. “Yes. One night.”

  “One bed or two?”

  I looked at Teagan. “One.”

  When she smiled at me, I calmed down a bit.

  He tapped on the computer some more and then looked up. “Card and ID, please.”

  This is happening.

  I squeezed Teagan’s hand, still unable to believe how reckless we were being right now. What is this life? One minute I was picking Teagan up for maybe a quick dinner or a movie, and the next we were about to go up to a hotel room and fuck. It felt terribly wrong—yet oddly right at the same time. There wasn’t any going back now.