His text hurt my heart. Because as beautiful as his words were, they didn’t change the fact that he was leaving. The more minutes that passed, though, the more unnatural it felt not to return his sentiments, so I gave in.
I let go of everything. The floodgates opened.
Teagan: Is this the part where I get mad at you for writing out your feelings instead of talking to me when I’m right downstairs? Didn’t you tell me never to do that? (Kidding.) I’m glad you didn’t come down here, because I wouldn’t be able to control myself. And we know how that would have ended. I don’t know what to say to your kind words, except that the pleasure of knowing you and experiencing being with you was all mine. I have no regrets about anything, Caleb. None.
A few minutes later, he sent one more text.
Caleb: <3 <3 <3
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
* * *
CALEB
My last days went by in a blur. Too fast. With only three more nights left, the Carrolls were supposed to be taking me out to dinner. I knew Teagan was working late at the aquarium and wasn’t planning to join us. And I was fine with that. Or at least I told myself I was. Because I knew it would be hard for her.
About an hour before we were scheduled to leave for the restaurant, Maura caught me blankly staring out the living room window.
She came up behind me. “How are you holding up?”
I turned around and forced a smile, certain she could see right through me. Then I just admitted the truth. “Not well.”
Maura placed her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry. I know. Your leaving is going to be tough on all of us. I really do wish there was a way you could stay.”
Lorne had run to the store with Shelley, and I’d always been tempted to open up to Maura about my past. We seemed to be home alone at the moment, so maybe now was a good time to do that. It would probably be my last chance.
Bracing myself for the emotions I knew would ensue, I said, “I don’t talk about it very often, and I assume Teagan never told you how my sister died?”
“No,” she answered, her face kind. “She would never say anything if you told her not to mention it. She’s very protective of you.”
We moved over to the couch and took seats across from each other. With my head in my hands half the time, I spent the next several minutes telling Maura about what had happened with my sister and how it related to my relationship with my father.
“This explains a lot,” she said, placing her hand on my knee. “I understand better now why you don’t want to go back home, but also why you feel you need to.”
“My entire life, I’ve felt indebted to my family for what I did.”
Maura’s eyes were moist. “I’m so sorry, Caleb. This is devastating to hear.”
I let out an exasperated breath. “Anyway, I just—I guess I’m telling you because I need you to know just how much it’s meant to feel loved and respected here.”
Maura wiped her eyes. “Nothing you told me changes how I feel about you—not in the least.”
“You sound like Teagan.”
“Well, she cares about you very much. And you care for her, too, don’t you?”
“I love her.”
Those words came out so easily, without even having to think about them. I’d felt those words trying to burst from me for a very long time.
Maura seemed stunned. But it was the truth. I had fallen in love with Teagan.
“Please don’t tell her I said that,” I added. “It will only make leaving worse. I haven’t said those words to her because as much as they’re true, I don’t feel like I’m the right person for her at this point in time. I have a lot of issues I need to work out within myself and my family. I just have too much baggage right now.”
“I’m certain she feels as strongly about you. One thing to keep in mind, when someone loves you they’ll take every part of you, baggage and all.”
I struggled with accepting her statement. “But I also feel like sometimes a person needs to respect the one they care about enough to let them go, to not bring them into their suffering. I need to work out so much before I could ever be the person Teagan deserves.” I stared out the window. “She’s so incredibly smart and special and unique in every way. Teagan needs someone with his shit together. And I’m not that person yet, Maura.”
“I really do hope things surprise you when you get home,” she said after a moment.
I knew better. Things at home would be as bad as they always had been, perhaps even worse.
“Thank you for listening,” I said.
“Anytime. And I hope you’ll come back and visit us. There will always be a place for you in this family.”
***
A little while later, Lorne, Maura, Shelley, and I piled into the Subaru and drove to dinner. The Harborside Restaurant downtown was as classy as you could get. There were fish tanks everywhere, and it reeked of seafood—fresh seafood, but nevertheless, it was pungent. The restaurant overlooked Boston Harbor.
I’d worn the one pair of nice trousers I owned, but still felt underdressed.
I ordered the lobster because, well, when in Rome...
Shelley, who wasn’t a big seafood lover, ordered steak while Lorne and Maura ordered the stuffed halibut.
The food hadn’t arrived yet, and I was buttering a piece of bread when I looked up and saw her standing there. She looked flushed—but beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Teagan.
“You came!” Shelley shouted.
Teagan gave a wobbly smile. “Yeah, I couldn’t miss it.”
We looked into each other’s eyes, and I felt my heart clench. Her showing up, even though I knew it was painful for her, meant so damn much to me. Perhaps I didn’t realize how much until it happened.
Teagan took the chair next to me. It was as if we had been saving it for her, even though it was clear from the looks on everyone’s faces that no one had expected her to show.
“Nice that you could make it, honey,” Lorne said.
She looked at me. “I brought a change of clothes to the aquarium just in case I could get out in time.”
Maura flagged down the waitress to bring Teagan a menu. Just like she had when we went to dinner in the North End, she ordered the mackerel, which I thought was hysterical, because once again that was what dolphins eat.
“My Dolphina,” I mouthed.
She smiled and reached under the table to grab my hand. I linked my fingers with hers. It felt so incredibly good to be touching her again after several days of distance—painful but good.
When the food arrived, we were forced to let go of each other. I suppose it would have been hard to break apart a lobster with one hand, but I was willing to try.
During the meal, everyone mostly ate in silence.
Then, while waiting for dessert, Lorne asked, “So, might there be even a small part of you that’s happy to be returning home, Caleb?”
I shrugged. “I’ve missed my mum. It will be nice to see her. And I know she’s looking forward to having me back. But I haven’t missed home at all and am not looking forward to returning.”
“What’s been your favorite part of Boston?” Shelley asked.
Uh, that would be your sister. “That’s a tough question, because there have been so many things. But you guys have definitely been the best part of my time here. Your family dinners, your overall hospitality—I won’t forget any of it.”
To my utter shock, Shelley started to cry. I got up from my seat and gave her a hug. She was such a sweet girl, and I truly loved her. Apparently, she loved me, too.
Teagan looked like she was holding back tears.
Thankfully, the dessert arrived just then.
After we left the restaurant, we all took a walk along the Charles River. I could hardly believe I was just a few days from leaving my new family behind.
***
The following evening, with two nights left, I decided to make sure I was all packed. I didn’t think I’d have
the mental energy to deal with last-minute organizing on my final day, so I needed to get everything put away before then.
I wanted a keepsake that would remind me of Teagan, so I took her Ten Secrets book and slipped it into my suitcase. I hadn’t brought much with me, but I was returning with an extra suitcase filled with things I’d purchased here. The s’mores maker Teagan had bought me for Christmas was also safely packed away.
I knew Teagan was home tonight, and I wanted nothing more than to hang out with her, but I was terrified of what would happen if we did—that we’d undo any progress we might have made by avoiding each other recently.
Then the perfect idea hit me, a way we could be together in a less intimate setting.
A half-hour later, after returning from the store, I ventured down to Teagan’s room, stopping short of entering.
She’d been reading a book and closed it when she noticed me.
I lifted the paper bag I was holding. “It’s my second-to-last night, and there’s no way I’m leaving without making s’mores one more time with you.”
I never expected her to start crying. She’d managed to hold her composure—in front of me, at least—up until this moment. My heart felt heavy. I put the bag down and wrapped my arms around her.
I held her and whispered, “I’m going to miss you so much.”
After a few seconds, she backed away and wiped her eyes. “Let’s do it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She forced a smile. “Let’s roast the shit out of those s’mores.”
***
Wanting every second of this night to last, I took my time building the fire in the yard. Teagan was quiet as I lit the wood and prepared the sticks. Once the fire got going, we mostly stole glances at each other through the flames while we roasted the marshmallows.
She was the first to speak. “It seems like just yesterday we were out here doing this for the first time.”
I handed her one of the marshmallow sticks. “That was the first night you ever opened up to me. A lot has changed since then. I never imagined what an important part of my life you’d become.”
She deflected a bit. “What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get home?”
I stared into the fire and smiled. “Hug my mum. Depending on how tired I am, I might take her out for a late-night dinner or breakfast, catch her up on all the amazing things I experienced in Boston. Then I’ll go to my room and crash while undoubtedly thinking of you and wishing I were back here.”
“I do want to keep in touch, okay? I know we won’t be together, but I’ll always care about you. I will always want to know you’re okay—even if it’s hard. I don’t think I’ve made that clear.”
I smiled, though part of me felt sad. “I can’t imagine a world where I never spoke to you again, Teagan. I need to know you’re okay, too. Alright? It might be painful to talk all the time, but let’s vow to never lose touch.”
With that commitment would come the inevitability of seeing her move on without me. I couldn’t think about that right now.
Despite making the first s’more and devouring it, I had no appetite for more. As I started to prepare another one, my stomach turned sour at the thought of my impending departure. Plain and simple, being out here was about spending my final moments with Teagan; it wasn’t about the damn s’mores.
Putting down my stick, I moved to wrap my arms around her as she leaned her back against my chest. I kissed the top of her head and breathed her in. I wondered if I’d ever feel this peace with anyone else—and wondered if by some miracle Teagan and I might find our way back to each other one day.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
* * *
TEAGAN
The night before Caleb’s departure felt like a bad dream.
I wanted to spend his last night with him, but would it be harmful to go to that risky place, knowing he’d be gone tomorrow? Regardless, I kept wishing he would come down to my room. He never did. At the same time, I could’ve easily gone upstairs. But I didn’t.
We’d done an amazing job not crossing the line. When we made s’mores last night, he’d just held me. Then we went to our separate rooms. But the fact remained that I only had this one night. I might never see Caleb Yates again after tomorrow. Was I missing an opportunity to experience one more moment with him? Should I risk hurting myself more in order to be with him one more time?
The longer I sat in bed, the more the urgency in my chest grew. In the end, I knew it wasn’t going away unless I went to him. It was past 1AM, and I had no clue if he was even awake.
Grabbing a robe, I tiptoed up the stairs, willing myself to be silent so as not to alert my family. My heart nearly stopped as I peeked up into the kitchen. A shadow moved, but I looked again and realized it was Caleb. We met at the top of the stairs. Apparently, he’d been coming to see me just as I’d broken down and decided to go to him.
We crashed into each other simultaneously. There were no words, just a tidal wave of emotions I could feel emanating from him: longing, sorrow. Our feelings poured from each of us into the other.
Caleb placed his hands around my face and took my mouth in his. Our breaths were frantic, desperate. It felt unlike any other kiss I had experienced with him. Quite suddenly, he lifted me off my feet and cradled me in his arms. Then, he carried me back down the stairs to my bedroom.
As he placed me on my bed, he hovered over me. “I really tried to stay away, Teagan.”
Practically unable to speak, I nodded. “I need you tonight.”
He buried his mouth in my neck, kissing me so hard I knew there would be marks tomorrow. My fingers raked over his muscular back. He devoured my neck before ripping off my cami and sucking hard on each of my breasts until my nipples were sore.
Desperate to have him inside me, I grinded my body over the heat of his engorged cock.
His breathing became erratic before he gripped my shorts and pulled them down. I worked to slide them completely off my legs. He yanked my panties so hard I thought they might have ripped. He pulled them off before inserting two of his fingers deeply inside of me.
Caleb bit my bottom lip. I was so turned on I nearly forgot how miserable I was supposed to be. He was rougher than usual, but I reveled in his need to claim my body. It made me painfully sad that this might be our last time. That meant tonight needed to matter.
“Please, Caleb,” I begged.
He looked at me, his eyes drugged with lust.
“I need to fuck you hard, Teagan. Is that alright?”
Grabbing his ass, I pushed him against me. “Yes. Please.”
He lowered his pants, and within seconds I felt his hot, slick cock against my leg. It was wet at the tip, and my legs quivered with the need to feel him inside of me.
“You mentioned once you were on the pill, even though we used protection?” he whispered.
I panted. “Yes.”
“Can I have you without a condom tonight?”
Heat sparked through me, and I nodded, spreading my legs as he entered me almost immediately. The skin-to-skin contact took my breath away as he filled me.
“Teagan...you…this feels so amazing. Christ. Being inside of you like this—it’s the most incredible feeling ever.”
Swallowing his words with my kiss, I moaned over his mouth as he moved in and out of me. I knew we were too loud. Thankfully my bed didn’t squeak much, but someone could easily hear us if they came down to the kitchen. I’d have to hope that didn’t happen. Being with him tonight was worth the risk of getting caught.
“I never want to forget how this feels,” I breathed.
His voice was shaky. “Why the fuck didn’t we do it like this sooner?”
I bucked my hips, meeting his thrusts. “Because we’re stupid?”
We laughed over each other’s lips, and he pounded me harder, as if to punish us for losing any opportunity to have amazing sex like this.
“Fuck, Teagan... I’m losing it,” he groaned.
/> I nodded vigorously, letting him know I was ready, too. Almost immediately, I felt his body quake and the warmth of his cum filling me. Our bodies rocked back and forth together until we came down from the high.
Still inside of me, Caleb showered my neck and breasts with kisses. I’d never felt more loved by anyone in my life, though I knew love couldn’t be what this was. He just had me fooled in the moment.
When he finally pulled out, I tightened my grip on him. “Please don’t leave me tonight.”
“I won’t, baby. I promise. I’ll be here all night.”
Pulling on his hair, I began to kiss him again, and over the next several minutes, I could feel his erection growing for a second round. The muscles between my legs contracted, immediately wanting him again.
And so we made love all night. It was almost morning by the time we fell asleep.
***
When the light came through my window the next day, it felt intrusive. Today was the day I would lose Caleb, and the sun was a most unwelcome sight.
Caleb stirred and turned to me. He kissed me passionately before he asked, “Are you okay?”
“No,” I said.
“Neither am I. And that was the dumbest fucking question ever, wasn’t it?” He sighed. “Can we just stay in this spot forever?”
My chest constricted. “I wish.”
We lay together until the clock dictated that we force ourselves up.
To my surprise, when we ventured upstairs to the kitchen, it was empty.
I suspected Maura knew we might need some privacy and had arranged for everyone to leave the house for a while. My suspicions were confirmed when she sent me a text .
Maura: Just FYI, we went to the city to the farmer’s market. We won’t be back until at least ten. Love you.
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