Just One Year

by Ward, Penelope

  “Someone texted?” Caleb asked.

  “Maura. She said they won’t be coming back until ten.”

  He looked surprised. “Really...”

  “Yeah.”

  A few minutes later, as I buttered a piece of toast at the counter, I felt Caleb come up behind me. He kissed my neck softly, and the hairs on my skin rose to attention.

  His erection pressed against my ass, and I felt the need for him again between my legs.

  The next thing I knew, he’d lifted my shirt and moved my underwear to the side. He entered me in one rough movement. I gasped at the feel of him inside of me, and with both hands gripping the counter, I closed my eyes in ecstasy as Caleb took me from behind. We’d make the best of these last minutes together. Instead of wallowing, we’d go out with a bang.

  ***

  Of course, all good things must come to an end, and ours had arrived.

  Things were quiet and somber the rest of the morning as my family reappeared and Caleb gathered the last of his things and packed them into my father’s Subaru. The entire family would drive Caleb to Logan Airport. As much as I didn’t want to say goodbye in front of them, I also figured it might be less painful if I didn’t totally lose my shit. So, it would be better that they would be there. I’d have to keep myself under control.

  The ride felt surreal. Caleb and I had probably never said less to each other, but there simply were no words to describe how we felt.

  When we got to the airport, Maura said, “Why don’t we all say goodbye to Caleb at the curb? And then, Teagan, you can walk him inside.”

  So much for using my family as a buffer.

  I got out of the car and watched as Maura hugged Caleb tightly. Tears streamed down her cheeks. My dad patted Caleb hard on the back. Caleb looked almost numb, as if he were just going through the motions of saying goodbye to them. Last was Shelley, who started bawling when he took her into his arms and lifted her up. I felt my first tear fall. Caleb’s eyes shut tight, but he didn’t cry.

  I followed him to the outdoor station where he checked his luggage, and then we entered the sliding glass doors to the airport. Hand in hand, we walked until we reached the point where I could no longer accompany him.

  We stood facing each other as he brushed the hair out of my face.

  He swallowed. “This is one of the hardest moments of my life.”

  I closed my eyes and started to cry.

  He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “Teagan, look at me for a moment. I need you to know something.”

  My tears blurred my vision as I looked up at him.

  “Don’t ever believe you’re not worthy. You are, bar none, the most amazing human being I have ever known. I need you to understand that my leaving has nothing to do with you not being enough to keep me here. Just the opposite. I’m not enough for you right now. I have so many broken pieces. Please never doubt whether you were enough to make me stay. Alright?”

  I nodded through my tears. “I know your life back home is complicated. I understand why you have to leave. I just hope you know you can count on me if you ever need me. I will miss you every single day, and I will never forget all of the things you did for me—teaching me the importance of appreciating my family, making me feel beautiful, helping me come out of my shell. I’ve grown so much just from being around you, Caleb. You might think you’re broken, but you helped put me back together.”

  And there it was. The first tear fell from his eyes, proof of how hard leaving was for him and perhaps my biggest proof—although too late—of how much he cared for me.

  Wiping his cheek, he spoke with a strained voice. “Take care of yourself, Teagan.” He placed one more long, hard, torturous kiss on my lips before he ripped himself away and headed toward the escalator.

  I stood in the same spot watching him until he reached the top. He turned back one more time and saluted me with a kiss. Then he was gone.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  * * *

  TEAGAN

  THREE MONTHS LATER

  Though it still felt warm and summery in Boston, the new school year had started, and it was strange not to have my internship at the aquarium anymore. I was currently applying for a new one next semester. I’d heard about an opening with a research project that involved managing a database of environmental data and creating a photo catalog for various types of whales and other marine life—not the most exciting gig, but it would be something to add to my resume.

  I was spending a typical afternoon back in my room after class when Kai came to hang out, as she often did when she got home from school.

  “Have you heard from Caleb?”

  Why does she have to bring him up?

  “No.”

  “Really?”

  “No. We haven’t spoken much.”

  My anger flared. Didn’t she realize this was a sensitive topic? Caleb and I weren’t supposed to be in regular touch with each other. That was never the plan. We were just supposed to not lose touch and check in from time to time.

  “Don’t you think that’s odd?” she asked.

  “Not really. We’re not together,” I said defensively. “We decided it would be best not to suffer through a long-distance relationship. I think if we were talking every day and stuff, that would be odd.”

  She didn’t seem to buy that. “So that’s it? He’s just gone from your life?”

  I sighed. While I knew things had to be the way they were if Caleb and I were going to move on with our lives, every day that I didn’t hear from him hurt. And I hated that I felt this way. But I understood. I understood why he was giving me space—and why I also had to give him space. Aside from the first couple of weeks after he left Boston, I had only spoken to him a handful of times. He always sounded kind of down when we talked, like it made him sad or something. So I’d stopped trying to initiate it.

  “It’s for the best,” I said.

  She tilted her head, studying me. “Are you just saying that, or do you mean it?”

  “What does it matter? This is the way it has to be. Did his leaving hurt? Yes. But he’s gone. There’s nothing I can do about it. So I have to try to find a way to move on.”

  An impish grin spread across her face. “I think I might have just the thing, actually.”

  “Uh-oh. What?”

  “Luke’s brother is back living at home. He graduated last year and is staying with their parents for a while until he can find his own place. He’s really cute and single.”

  Luke was a guy Kai had been dating for a few months. This was the first I’d heard that he had a brother.

  “What’s his name?”

  “Ethan.”

  “Okay. Nice name,” I said, still uninterested.

  “Why don’t the four of us go out this weekend?”

  I knew that would probably be good for me, but I hesitated. “I’m not sure.”

  “What’s the hold up?”

  “I’m just not sure I’m ready to start seeing anyone.”

  “Okay, but you’re wasting time.”

  “I don’t want to rush into anything.”

  “You’re only young once. You can’t be hung up on some dude who left for England and is never coming back.”

  “I never said I was hung up on Caleb. What makes you think that?”

  “It’s your eyes. You don’t see it, but whenever I mention him, they change. I can’t explain it, except to say I can see your sadness.”

  Blowing out a long breath, I realized I might have been more transparent than I thought. Caleb’s name felt like a knife to my heart, a reminder that he was out there somewhere, no longer part of my life, and I might never see him again. After he left, I’d realized even more how much I cared about him.

  She hopped up from her seat. “I have to run. Late for work. But think about this weekend, okay? I’ll send you a link to Ethan’s profile so you can look through his photos and tell me what you think.”

  No way.

  I rolled my eyes
and pretended to play along. “Okay.”

  ***

  I don’t know what made me check Archie’s Instagram that night. Caleb’s friend was also back living in England now. My understanding was that nothing ever became of his relationship with Angela from Boston. They’d just cut ties, apparently.

  Okay, I know why I checked Archie’s Instagram.

  Kai’s bringing Caleb up earlier had opened up some kind of emotional wound. I’d spent the rest of the day thinking about him—more than usual. I knew Caleb never posted much on his own accounts, aside from stupid memes. I’d be more likely to see something about Caleb through Archie’s page. I’d checked there before, and most of the time, there were just shots of Archie out and about on the town or various meals he’d enjoyed. But when I checked tonight, I hit the motherlode.

  I started shaking as I looked at the most recent photo he’d posted. My heart. God, my heart. It felt like it might burst out of my chest. Or maybe it was breaking. My eyes stung with tears. I wiped them away so I could examine the photo. Next to my Caleb was a gorgeous brunette with her arm around him. She kissed his cheek as he flashed a sly grin. There was nothing hesitant or regretful about his expression. He didn’t look like he had a care in the world. Archie had captioned it: At least someone is getting some tonight.

  Jealousy mixed with pain mixed with hate roiled inside me. Okay, it wasn’t quite hate—because can you hate someone if you still love them? Three months. Was one summer enough time to have mourned our relationship? I felt everything rising up in me, and I barely made it to the bathroom in time to vomit out what felt like my entire soul.

  After I came up for air, I noticed my phone was still open to the photo. Exiting Instagram as fast as I could, I threw my phone across the room. My hands trembled. It was an odd sense of despair, because in the back of my mind, I also knew I had no right to be upset. Caleb and I had never agreed to keep our relationship going. He was one-hundred-percent free to pursue anyone he wanted, to do whatever or whomever he wanted—and yet I’d hoped he’d pine for me a bit longer. I had certainly continued to pine for him.

  But that stopped now, whether I wanted to do it or not.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  * * *

  TEAGAN

  TWO MONTHS LATER

  “You okay, baby?”

  Ethan and I had just been messing around in my bed. We hadn’t had sex yet, but we’d done everything else. Unlike other guys I’d dated before Caleb, I actually found Ethan attractive. We’d been having an amazing time together, for the most part. Ethan worked as a computer programmer in Cambridge. He’d moved out of his parents’ house into his own apartment near work, but often came to Brookline to hang out with me when I had to get up early and didn’t feel like venturing to his side of the city. He was not only charming and funny, but super patient. He had his shit together, and I really liked him.

  Once again, though, I had to explain to him why I’d become closed-off right at the point where it would have seemed natural to have sex.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why...but I’m just not ready.”

  He looked worried. “You know I’ll never pressure you, right?”

  “That’s one of the things I appreciate about you.” I sighed. “I want you to know it’s not you, okay? The last relationship I was in hurt me pretty badly, so I feel like I need to go slow this time.”

  I’d told Ethan everything about Caleb, so he knew exactly whom I was referring to. Even though Caleb had moved on, I still couldn’t. Ethan probably wished he could strangle Caleb.

  I had to give it to him, though. Ethan was always great about moving on from my awkward rejections.

  He changed the subject. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. Luke and I were thinking of going camping up in New Hampshire. What do you think? Just Luke, Kai, you, and me.”

  “Like in tents or a camper?”

  “My dad’s camper. It’s old, but it has a bedroom in the back, and the four of us can fight over that. There’s plenty of room to crash in the main area, though. What do you say?”

  I couldn’t think of a reason to say no. “That sounds super fun. Yeah. Let’s do it.”

  “Cool.” He smiled. “I’ll get lots of booze, and we can buy stuff to make s’mores by the fire.”

  As soon as he said s’mores, I totally lost my train of thought. Caleb’s face smiling through the flames as we made s’mores in my yard swam before my eyes.

  Damn you, Caleb, and your gorgeous smile still haunting me.

  Jesus. I felt like I might cry. What was wrong with me?

  “Be right back,” I said as I escaped to my bathroom, closing the door and leaning back against it. I let myself have one good cry as the feelings I’d been suppressing came out to play for a moment. I grabbed my phone off the sink and did something I knew I’d regret. I looked up Caleb’s Instagram. But when I typed in his profile name, nothing came up. Panic set in. Had Caleb deleted his Instagram account? Or had he blocked me somehow? Why?

  I also checked Facebook, the only other social media account he had. That page, too, was totally gone. What’s happening? Why would he delete his social media accounts?

  If I didn’t come out of the bathroom soon, Ethan would think something was wrong. So I returned to the bed and lay down next to him. As he fell asleep, I tossed and turned, obsessing about Caleb’s disappearance and feeling like I was losing my mind.

  ***

  The following day, I had to make sure Caleb was okay. So I dialed his number. When there was no answer, I left a message.

  “Hey...uh...it’s Teagan. Long time no speak, right? Call me crazy, but I need to know you’re okay. I happened to be on Insta, and I noticed your account was gone. Your Facebook, too. Just wanted to make sure everything was kosher. Can you call or text me to let me know? Anyway, hope all is well. Bye.”

  My stomach churned as I spoke, but after I hung up, I felt a ton better. At least I had initiated contact.

  ***

  When two days passed and Caleb hadn’t called me back, I felt a little desperate. I’d also tried emailing him, but the only account I had was his university email, and he might not have checked that. I didn’t want to contact Archie, but I sent him a DM on Instagram anyway.

  Hey, Archie! It’s Teagan in Boston. Quick question—I was wondering if everything is okay with Caleb. He’s not answering his phone and I noticed he took down his social media pages. Just wanted to know if you’ve heard from him. Thanks! Hope all is well!

  After a few days, my message to Archie remained unread. I wasn’t sure if he checked his messages, and I realized I didn’t even know his last name, so I couldn’t look him up anywhere else in order to reach him.

  It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t eat or sleep. As a last-ditch effort, I Googled Caleb’s mother’s name and the address I had for him in England.

  I knew his mom’s name was Poppy and his father was Lionel. I found a listing for a Poppy Yates at the address Caleb had given me before he left.

  That’s it.

  My heart pounded as I dialed. On the third ring, a man with a deep English accent answered.

  “Hello?”

  My body straightened, and my heart began to race. “Hi...is this Mr. Yates? Lionel?”

  “Yes. Who’s this?”

  I cleared my throat. “This is Teagan Carroll. I’m a friend of Caleb’s. He stayed with our family when he was in the States. I was wondering if you could tell me how to get in touch with him.”

  “Caleb isn’t here. He’s away for the weekend.”

  A mix of relief and confusion washed over me.

  Okay. He’s alive. He’s fine. That’s all I needed to know.

  “Ah, I see. Do you know if he has a new phone number?”

  “No. He has the same phone, as far as I know.”

  Caleb’s dad wasn’t very forthcoming. Based on how Caleb had described him, this didn’t come as a shock.

  “I see.” Feeling helpless, I pulled
on my hair. “Okay...well, would you mind telling him Teagan called? Ask him to call me back when he has a chance?”

  “Alright,” he said after a pause.

  “Okay…well...thank you. Hope you have a nice day.”

  When he didn’t say anything further, I hung up. He wasn’t the friendliest person, but at least I knew Caleb was alive and breathing. That was the most important thing, right? And he hadn’t changed his phone number, so that meant…he’d chosen not to respond to me?

  ***

  Kai popped open a beer as Ethan worked to light a fire.

  It was a beautiful fall night and perfect for camping. We’d spent a good portion of the day leaf peeping; it was peak season for that in New Hampshire. Thankfully, our camper was heated, and even had WiFi, so we were definitely glamping. That was the way to do it, if you asked me.

  “So, who’s gonna get the bedroom?” Kai asked.

  “I say we flip a coin,” Luke replied.

  “I say Teagan and I get it, considering I’m the one driving your ass home tomorrow. That means I need the better night’s sleep.”

  “Somehow I don’t think sleep is what you have in mind,” Luke cracked.

  Ethan’s cheeks actually turned a little red. I realized he might not have told Luke we hadn’t had sex yet. Probably wasn’t great for his ego to admit his girlfriend had been putting off sleeping with him. Kai knew the deal, though, and quickly changed the subject to her sister Andrea’s wedding, which was in a couple of weeks. I’d be helping out at the ceremony. Ethan would be going as my date.

  After Ethan lit the campfire, I was pretty proud of myself for keeping it together while building my s’more. I’d accepted that Caleb was choosing not to respond to me, and therefore I’d decided not to regard him with the sentimentality I once had. In any case, I was happy to enjoy the s’mores rather than cry into them. Small victories.