***
In the end, Ethan and I won the bedroom in the camper that night. I ended up giving him a hand job and making him come before he could try to have sex with me. I felt terrible about the whole thing. I was starting to hate myself for treating him this way. A man could only take so much. But the bigger question was: why? Why wasn’t I ready? He’d given me more than enough time. But I couldn’t make it happen. I only hoped I didn’t lose a great guy in the meantime.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
* * *
TEAGAN
Despite having grown more comfortable expressing my feminine side, I still hated having to put full makeup on. But Kai had specifically asked me to wear it for the photos at her sister Andrea’s wedding. Andrea had asked me to hand out programs, which meant I’d have to smile and nod a lot. This entire night was going to be out of my comfort zone. Not only did I allow Kai to do my hair in large, loose curls that were so not my style, but I’d put on one of Maura’s super fancy dresses. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten really dressed up.
I opened the drawer where I kept my old makeup, and my heart nearly stopped. There was a yellow envelope amidst the mess of lipsticks and other junk. On the front it said: Dolphina.
How long had this been in here? I never opened my makeup drawer. I kept a few lip glosses and an eyeliner on top of the sink, but I guessed I hadn’t gone for anything beyond that since Caleb left.
My heart pounded as I carefully opened the envelope and read what was inside.
My beautiful Teagan,
First off, hello again. You’re probably wondering why I left this in your makeup drawer, which you never open. I guess I figured that would allow enough time to pass before you discovered this note. Perhaps you were able to get over my leaving by now, and that’s why this is the appropriate time to remind you that no matter where I am, no matter how many days or months or years have gone by, I can assure you I have not forgotten you. I can also assure you that I still think about you all the time.
If I’ve done something to make you think otherwise, please get that out of your head. I hope that by the time you’re reading this, you’ve moved on from me, from the sadness my leaving caused you. But if for some reason you haven’t, take this letter and place it close to your heart. Close your eyes and feel me with you. Know that as I’m writing this, I feel so much in my heart for you. And I dare not say that four-letter word, only because it’s not fair. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.
I’m confident that no matter where I am or how many months or years go by, what I feel for you won’t change. Our lives might change, but I will always carry these feelings in my heart. If you’ve opened up this drawer for your makeup, maybe you’re going somewhere special or out for a night on the town. Whatever it may be, please do one thing for me: don’t ever settle, Teagan. Don’t EVER settle. You deserve the world. I hope as you’re reading this, you haven’t grown to hate me, for leaving or otherwise. I hope you remember me in a positive light. But whatever the case may be, know that wherever I am, a part of you is with me.
Fondly,
Caleb
P.S. You really don’t need the makeup at all.
I clutched the letter to my chest, once again feeling what he’d told me to feel. Him. THIS—this was the way it was supposed to feel. Caleb told me not to settle. I’d been trying to figure out why I couldn’t sleep with Ethan. Plain and simple, being with Caleb—knowing what it felt like to give not only your body but your heart and soul to someone—had made it impossible for me to accept anything less.
Even if I couldn’t be with Caleb, this letter reminded me what it should feel like to truly want someone in every way. Just reading his words had made my soul come alive.
It wasn’t right to keep stringing Ethan along. Whether I wasn’t into him enough or I still loved Caleb, I couldn’t quite determine. But in any case, Caleb was right. I shouldn’t settle. It wasn’t fair to me or Ethan.
***
Obviously I didn’t bring it up at Kai’s sister’s wedding, and then in the days that followed, I put off addressing my feelings with my boyfriend. I did almost everything I could to distract myself from having to deal with the inevitable. Don’t ask me why one of those distractions included Googling my birth mother. I’d never considered looking for her, and certainly didn’t care to meet her. But suddenly, I became curious. There was no doubt that since Caleb left, I’d felt very lost. Maybe seeking information on her was an attempt to find my bearings? I wasn’t sure, but I typed “Ariadne Mellencamp” in the search bar.
My father had said he would support me if I ever decided to find Ariadne. I wasn’t looking to meet her, though, just to get more details on her life. But what would I do with that information? If I knew she was alive or where she lived, how would that change my life? I wasn’t sure, but hit the search button anyway.
A plethora of addresses associated with Ariadne came up: Miami, Florida, to Los Angeles, California, to London, England. There only seemed to be one listing for her name—same person, just different locales. She was one of a kind, alright, and I don’t mean that in a good way.
An image search pulled up a photo of her from six years ago. She was apparently part of some adult dance troupe in Los Angeles. She looked more haggard than I would have thought for someone in her mid-thirties at the time. She had some wrinkles around her eyes. Maybe it was just an unflattering photo—or perhaps she took no better care of herself than she had her abandoned child. My dad had also mentioned that she loved to smoke. In any case, seeing her was still like looking into the future at myself.
I thought seeing her face after all these years might have triggered some emotion in me. But all I saw when I looked at her photo was a self-centered person who seemed dead on the inside. Perhaps she lived with a lot of regret. Or perhaps the idea of her having an actual heart was just a fantasy I’d created.
The one feeling that did arise from looking at this photo was love—not for the woman in the photo, but for the woman who’d picked up all the pieces Ariadne had shattered and left behind.
Shutting my laptop, I ran upstairs in search of her. Maura sat in the living room, writing out some bills at the corner table. I stopped in front of her, and she looked up.
“What’s up, Teagan?”
Without saying a word, I leaned in and pulled her into the tightest hug.
“Oh my…” she said, clearly caught off guard.
“I’m so sorry, Maura.”
“For what?”
“For being an asshole the past fifteen years.”
She gripped me tighter. “Oh, sweetie. I never thought that.”
“It just hit me.”
“What did?”
I looked into her eyes. “That you’re my mother. You’ve been my mother all along. I resisted it because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to appreciate the fact that when my birth mother left, God sent me someone better.”
Her mouth dropped. “Teagan,” she said. “I love you so much.”
I responded in the only way that finally felt natural. “I love you, too, Mom.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
* * *
CALEB
My room was completely dark and the window open, letting in a cool breeze. I’d ruined a perfectly calm evening by opening a can of worms I’d likely never be able to close. Why had I decided to look her up? It was the biggest mistake I could’ve made tonight.
It had been so long since we’d spoken. I needed to explain things to Teagan. But before I reached out to her again, I wanted to get the lay of the land. I’d hoped to see a glimmer of a smile, some reassurance that she was okay, that she was happy. I got far more than I’d bargained for.
I kept staring at the photo. Teagan had been tagged by her friend Kai in a series of snapshots taken at some sort of campground. She sat between the legs of a tall bloke, whom I’d consider good-looking, but not good enough for her. She was smiling and seemed quite content, leaning back int
o his chest. To add salt to my wound, in one of the shots, they were making fucking s’mores.
Wow.
As hard as it was to look at these photos, a small part of me was relieved that Teagan had moved on. Unfortunately, a bigger part was shaken to see the proof. That’s precisely why I should have never gone online. You’d think after not having social media for two months, I’d have realized there was no benefit to it. My life had been much better without it. And I certainly would’ve been better off had I never gone back on.
I continued to stare at Teagan’s beautiful face in the dark until my mother interrupted my thoughts from the doorway.
“I made potato and leek soup. Care to join me for some?”
Her words barely registered.
“Caleb?” she said after a moment. “Is everything alright?”
With my head still basically in my ass, I muttered, “Hmm?”
“Why are you sitting in the dark?”
Closing the laptop, I stared out at the streetlights. “I meant to turn the light on. But I got a bit distracted, so I stayed in the dark.”
She moved over to the foot of my bed. “Everything alright?”
I looked up at her. “Not really.”
“You want to talk about it?”
Blowing out a long breath, I debated. I’d never told my mother how close Teagan and I had become. I hadn’t wanted Mum to feel guilty about me having to leave the US. At the moment, though, the feelings punching at my chest needed to come out somehow.
“Remember the older girl from the family I lived with in Boston?”
“Sure.” Mum blinked. “Teagan was her name, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Everything okay with her?”
“She’s doing great, apparently.” I sighed. “It’s me who’s not so hot right now.”
“Did something happen between you and her while you were there?”
I nodded. “We…were rather serious toward the end.”
Even in the dark, I could see the surprise on my mother’s face. “You never mentioned it. Why?”
“What was the point in telling you? I didn’t want you to worry or feel like I resented having to come back home.”
“I remember you saying you and she didn’t get on too well when you first moved there. Funny how things can change.” She smiled.
“We became very close. For the first time in my life I had a connection with someone that ran much deeper than physical. She and I felt very similarly about our place in the world. We were able to help each other through things.” I leaned back against my headboard and crossed my arms. “I confided in her about Emma.”
“Really?” My mother’s eyes widened. “Well, now I know you trusted her. That’s not something you open up about very easily.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, I had no idea, Caleb. I’m sorry you had to end things with someone you cared for. She wasn’t able to come to England, even for a visit?”
I’d often wondered what Teagan might have said if I’d asked her to come to the UK. But ultimately, I knew why I hadn’t.
I shook my head. “You know the mental space I was in when I first came home. Asking her to leave her life behind to come over here with me when I was a mess—that wouldn’t have been fair.”
“Fair to whom? I bet she would have gone anywhere you asked if you’d told her you were in love with her.” She tilted her head. “Is that what I’m understanding? That you fell in love?”
In silence, I nodded.
“Oh, Caleb.” She sighed. “What did you find online tonight?”
I exhaled a long breath. “I saw some photos of Teagan looking happy with some guy. It seems she’s moved on. It’s what I hoped would happen and hoped would never happen at the same time.”
“If you’re upset, why don’t you call her?”
I laughed almost angrily. “I won’t dare do that now. I left her in shambles. She deserves happiness.”
“She’s only with him because you left.”
“Exactly. I left. In her eyes, I chose to leave her. That’s not something she should ever forget.”
“A lot has happened in the months since you’ve been home, son. You should tell her.”
“Telling her won’t make me any more attractive to her—just the opposite.”
“But it will explain why you lost touch, why she hasn’t heard from you. Do you really think that you’re that replaceable? She probably assumes the lack of communication means you didn’t care about her, when that isn’t the case at all.”
“What’s the point? It’s not like we can be together. I’m not likely able to get approval to go to the US anymore. She’d have to dump this new guy and leave everything she knows to follow me—a bloke who’s already abandoned her—across the pond. How does that make sense?”
My mother placed her hand on my arm. “Love doesn’t make sense, my boy. People have done crazier things for love than move across an ocean.”
Pressure built in my chest. On one hand, I knew she was right, and I needed to fight. But the seeds of doubt, of self-loathing, were growing. “I miss her.”
“You love her?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “I do.”
“You never told her?”
“Not in those words, no.”
My mother looked stricken. “You’ve spent a good portion of your life trying to punish yourself for what happened with Emma. It’s time you stopped sabotaging yourself. If you’re in love with Teagan, you should tell her and let her make the decision as to whether she’d like to try to make things work. It’s likely she never suggested coming to England because you never gave her the option, am I right?”
“You would be right.”
“Why would a girl offer to move for someone who never told her he loves her?”
I didn’t have an answer. I’d always told myself I’d find my way back to Teagan. But seeing her happy with someone else made me second-guess everything. Regardless of what I wanted or what my mother believed, I knew contacting Teagan now and disrupting her happiness wasn’t the right decision.
So, I wouldn’t.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
* * *
TEAGAN
As I stared into the lights of the tree, I could hardly believe it had been a year since last Christmas. It seemed like yesterday that Caleb and I were exchanging gifts down in my room. Playing with the snail necklace around my neck, I wondered what he was doing tonight. Wherever Caleb was, I hoped he was happy.
I knew Christmas was hard for him. I’d been more tempted tonight than ever to contact him again—especially since his social media pages were back up. Whatever had caused him to remove them remained a mystery. The whole thing seemed bizarre, but he’d made a decision to cut ties, and I had to trust he had a good reason.
Since ending my relationship with Ethan, I hadn’t dated anyone else. I knew now that I really shouldn’t settle. As hard as it was to leave a decent guy, I knew it was the best decision for me and also for him. Ethan deserved a girlfriend who could give him all of herself, something I hadn’t been willing to do.
My dad sat next to me on the couch as we waited for the neighbors to arrive for our annual Christmas Eve party.
With an eggnog in hand, he asked, “How’s my girl?”
“Hey, Dad.”
He tilted his head. “You look down.”
“I’m okay. Just thinking about stuff.”
“Would stuff happen to have an alter ego named Caleb Yates?”
My father was definitely more astute than I’d given him credit for.
“He’s crossed my mind tonight, yeah.”
“Maura told me you haven’t heard from him in a long time.”
“Yeah. At first I thought there might be something wrong, but I called his house. His father said he was away for the weekend. Then all the social media pages he’d taken down reappeared. He still hasn’t bothered to contact me, so I’m guessing he felt it best to cut ties.�
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“It’s hard when someone you care about does that.”
Ah, yes. My father could relate to this feeling. “I know you understand what this is like.”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “But you know, a wonderful thing came out of Ariadne disappearing. Not only did she leave me with the most beautiful gift—you—but she left the door open for me to meet the true love of my life.”
I smiled. “That’s true, isn’t it?”
“And of course, Shelley became the other wonderful result of that situation.”
“It’s hard to imagine life without that rug rat.” I laughed.
“Yep.” He grinned. “Things will work out the way they’re supposed to. You have to trust in that.”
I really wanted to believe it. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll try.”
As much as I knew the right thing was to stay upstairs and mingle with all the arriving guests, I found myself going back down to my room for a while, though I told myself I would rejoin them later.
Lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind, which had been focused on Caleb all night. Fondling the snail necklace, I ended up nodding off.
I had no idea how long I’d been asleep when my phone rang, waking me up.
The number on the screen was one I didn’t recognize. Typically, I wouldn’t have answered, except this number was unique: it was a UK number. When that sank in, my heart nearly skipped a beat as I picked up.
“Hello?”
His voice was low and gravelly. “Teagan…”
It took a few seconds for it to register. He’d only uttered my name, but it was the most beautiful sound.
“Caleb?” It came out in a whisper. My voice was weak, my body was weak—everything felt weak.
“Yeah, it’s me.”
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