Saints Astray

by Jacqueline Carey

Page 51

 

  “You think I haven’t?”

  “No!” He sighed. “And yeah. I think you settled for the first thing to come along. And I know you owe her and all, giving up everything to be with you. But I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself. I don’t. ”

  Her heart ached for him. “Donny… love’s not fair. ”

  “Love. ” He pronounced the word glumly.

  “Yeah, love. ” Loup smiled ruefully. “Maybe I haven’t made it as obvious as I could have, because… well, I knew how you felt. I didn’t want to throw it in your face, and God knows, Pilar’s enough of an exhibitionist for both of us. But I really do love her, Donny. Not just a little. A lot. A whole lot. ”

  “I know,” he mumbled.

  “No, you don’t. ” She shook her head. “All she has to do is smile at me in this one way, and it feels like my heart’s turning over in my chest. It was that way in the beginning, and it’s that way now. I’m sorry, but it is. ”

  “I know. ” Donny traced the rim of his snifter. “I’ve seen that smile. ”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” he said sadly. “Makes you look all dopey and gooey-eyed, which of course I find ridiculously adorable and painful. I fuckin’ hate that smile. ”

  “I’m sorry,” Loup repeated.

  “Don’t you wonder about what you’re missing?”

  “No. ”

  “Never? Other girls, even?”

  “No. ”

  “Fuck! That’s not natural. It’s not healthy. ”

  “Maybe not for you, but it is for me. For us. ” She made a face. “GMOs. Stupid term. But we are what we are. That Johnson guy, he said that when we fall in love, it tends to stick. It did with my father and all of his kin, the ones who found someone. It did with me. My cousin Alejandro, he’s sixteen. He has this girlfriend, Amaya, and he looks at her like she’s the only girl in the world. I know how he feels. ”

  Donny smiled a little. “You’re not that gooey. ”

  “Yeah, I am. ”

  “I just don’t believe…” He sighed. “I just can’t fucking believe that I can feel something this strong for you, and you could feel nothing at all. ”

  Loup gazed at him with pity.

  “Fuck me. You really don’t, do you?” Donny drank the rest of his brandy. “You really, really don’t. ”

  “I like you. ”

  He threw his snifter. It shattered on the floor. A hushed server hurried over with a dustpan. “Like sucks!”

  “Yeah, well, so does petulant rock star. ” Loup folded her arms and gave him a stern look. “Donny, we can be friends or not. That’s up to you. If this is all too much for you, I’m sure we can dissolve the contract. You’ll probably lose some big deposit, but that will be the end of it. ”

  “I don’t want that. ” He rubbed his temples. “Besides, Rand would kill me. ”

  “So?”

  He gave her a hopeful look. “Can I guilt you into a pity fuck?”

  “No. ”

  “Oh, c’mon! Just once. So I don’t have to die not knowing. ”

  “You wouldn’t like it,” Loup said gently. “Believe me, I know. Because I have been with people who didn’t want me that way, no matter how much they might have wanted to or cared about me. And it’s not a good feeling. Not at all. Afterward, you’d just feel alone and empty. ”

  “I’ll risk it. ”

  “I won’t. ” She rose in one seamless motion and put out her hand. “C’mon. Dinner’s over. Friends or not?”

  He heaved one last sigh. “Friends. ”

  She drove them back to the estate. On the doorstep, Donny caught her arm as she began to unlock the door. The electric lantern above the door cast shadows over his face.

  “Thanks,” he said. “Thanks for listening. You know I had to try?”

  Loup nodded. “Yeah. ”

  He stooped quickly and kissed her. She could have stopped him, but didn’t.

  “You have really soft lips,” Donny said dreamily, moving closer. “Softer than I imagined—”

  She put her hand on his chest and held him at bay.

  “Ow. ” He winced. “Fuck, you’re strong!”

  “Uh-huh. ”

  “Sexy little bitch. ” Donny smiled despite himself. “All right. I get it. I do. End of story, eh? It was nice, though, wasn’t it? It was a nice kiss. ”

  She smiled back at him. “Yeah, Donny. It was a nice kiss. ”

  “Hey, Loup?” he said as she unlocked the door. “I have an idea. About Las Vegas and this guy you’re trying to rescue. I think I know how we can get him out past hotel security. ”

  “Yeah?” She followed him inside and locked the door behind them.

  “Yeah. But we can talk about it in the morning. ”

  “Okay. ”

  In the room they shared, she found Pilar reading a magazine in bed, trying very hard to look casual and unconcerned. Loup leaned against the bedroom door, watching her.

  “Hey, baby,” Pilar said at length. “Nice date?”

  “It wasn’t a date. ”

  “It was a date. ”

  “Did you think I was afraid I was missing out on something?” Loup asked curiously.

  “Well, not afraid, no. ” Pilar closed her magazine. “Jesus, I know you better than that. But what if you are, Loup? Missing out? Charlie said something to me. He said I was being selfish—”

  She laughed.

  “He did!”

  “No doubt,” Loup said in a low voice. “I’m sure Charlie has nothing but my best interests at heart. ” She crossed the room, shedding clothes. “I’m sure he’d never play on your sense of guilt and fairness in the hope that I’d sleep with his infatuated boyhood friend…”

  “I know! But—”

  She pounced on the bed, straddling Pilar. “But what?”

  Pilar wriggled beneath the covers. “What if you are? I know the difference between you and not-you. You don’t. Between me and—”

  “Don’t want to know. ” Loup kissed her. “Don’t care. ”

  “You can’t be—”

  “Sure?” She tugged off Pilar’s camisole. “Sure, I can. Sure sure. ” She sat back on her heels and regarded her, cocking her head. “Do you not want me to feel the way I do, O sexiest sidekick in the universe?”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “A little. ”

  Pilar caught her around the waist. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Okay, it was stupid. Get your cute little butt under the covers and make love to me, Supergirl. Okay?”

  Loup smiled happily. “Okay!”

  They made love for a long time. Sex hadn’t changed since the beginning, either; only deepened. For Loup, the sheer joy of physical intimacy was a revelation every time. She delighted in all of it; the give and take, the slow languor and the rising urgency. She liked it when Pilar was indolent and lazy, her body writhing with luxurious waves of pleasure. And she liked it when Pilar was ardent and aggressive, rolling her over to devour her hungrily.

  She liked it all.

  A lot.

  “Is it supposed to change?” Loup asked afterward.

  “Hmm?” Pilar came back from a faraway, satiated place.

  “Sex. ”

  “God, I hope not. ” She smiled. “I mean, yeah, that white-hot, gotta-have-you feeling usually does fade after a while. At least with everyone else. But I don’t know, baby. I’ve never known anything as intense as being with you. Maybe it won’t ever change. ” She turned on her side. “You really don’t ever wonder what it would be like with someone else?”

  “Do you?”

  “No, but I told you, I already know. You’re not like anyone else in the world, Loup. ”

  “There are my cousins. ”

  “True. ” Pilar glided her hand along the firm curve of Loup’s waist. “But it’s not the same thing. I like you being a girl. ”

 
“Don’t I seem to remember you turning a dozen shades of red and telling me you weren’t queer when I told you I wished Mack was you?”

  “Oh, hush. ” Pilar kissed her. “Queerer than I thought, okay?”

  “You think?”

  She gave Loup’s hair a yank. “You never answered my question. ”

  “No,” Loup said honestly. “I mean, I’m not oblivious. I can recognize when someone’s attractive and appreciate it. But I don’t wonder. I love you. And maybe we found each other because we were meant to be together, you know? Maybe it just works that way sometimes. You make me happy like no one else in the world does. Including poor Donny, okay?”

  “Was it okay with him tonight? Your date?”

  “It wasn’t a date!”

  “Did he try to kiss you good night?”

  Loup hesitated.

  “Did you let him?” Pilar raised her eyebrows. “Ohmigod, you totally did. ”

  “There was no touching and no tongue, okay? Very chaste. Like a goodbye kiss. ” She gave her a serious look. “And don’t go teasing him about it. I think we really did need to have the talk we did. It was good. I think he understands now. Really and truly. ”

  “Hmm. ”

  “Oh, please! You are not going to get jealous after I just finished explaining for the second time tonight that you’re the only person in the world I want. ”

  Pilar relented and leaned over to kiss her. “Okay, okay!”

  “I mean, ten minutes ago you were all worked up about trying to be selfless!”

  “Yeah, more like two hours ago. And you did a pretty thorough job of convincing me not to. ” She sighed. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s not about Donny. I think it’s sweet that you let him kiss you good night instead of knocking his head off, I do. I’m just scared. About what we’re doing, whether we’re doing the right thing. And most of all, I’m scared of losing you again, maybe forever this time, because I love you so fucking much it hurts. ”