by Cass Kim
She kept her voice light with effort as she spoke through gritted teeth, “Gee, I don’t know Jeremy. Maybe it was that time when you broke up with me in front of half the school and said I was boring.”
He raised his eyebrows and gave her his most innocent smile, “Oh come on, Rennie. I didn’t say boring.” He leaned closer, and she smelled the familiar scent of his deodorant and shampoo mixed with the lemony scent that always clung to him. “I don’t think I’d say such a hurtful thing.”
“No, the word you used was ‘dull’,” Renna cut in, struggling to remain indifferent to his charm. When Jeremy gave you attention, you felt special. The problem was that once he’d realized he could have that effect on more than just her, he had made a lot of girls feel special. Even before ending their almost two year relationship.
“Let’s not live in the details, Rennie. I’m glad you’re here. Can’t we just let bygones be bygones. Look at Alyssa,” he turned his gaze to the taller girl as she craned her neck to look past him, eager to join the crowd. “Let’s get Lyssie here a drink. I think we can all have a good time tonight. I was just about to start shuttering the doors, so you girls are just in time.” He favored Renna with a smile again.
“Yeah, cool.” Alyssa cut in. “You know Jeremy, when you call us ‘you girls’ you sound like an old man. Renna and I are the same age as you, and we are ‘ladies.’ Oh, and only people who are too dumb to believe in global warming still use plastic cups, you big dumb penis.” Alyssa grabbed Renna’s hand and pulled her past Jeremy.
“Uh…thanks?” He stared after them. “I mean. Yeah. It is.”
Renna quirked an eyebrow at Alyssa as she dragged her down the hall, “You know he thinks you just said he has a big…you know?”
Alyssa sighed, “Look, I’m trying to cut back on my cursing. It’s not having a good effect on my insult game. Anyways, it’s called a penis… or a cock… or a dick. What are you five still?” Once they were a few steps away she continued in a softer voice, “Renna, you gave in to him the second he gave you the look! I saw you melting right in front of my eyes. I thought you had more spine than that. Tonight, by my honor as your bestie, you will!” She shoved her long hair back behind her shoulder as they entered the living room. “Now, let’s get you some liquid courage.”
Two shots and a few beers later, the world was pleasantly fuzzy. Renna couldn't care less if the other kids at the party were the same ones she grew up with, or kids from the neighboring schools that she had never met before. She almost didn’t care that Jeremy had his arm around some blond girl from somewhere else. Or that Alyssa had roped her into taking her spot at beer pong so she could go make out with some guy they’d only ever seen when their schools played each other in basketball.
“Cha ching! Got it! Drink, Nenna!” The ping pong ball splashed into the cup in front of her.
“It’s Renna, like Arrrr I’m a pirate!” she called across the table to the short red headed guy she was playing. She waved off his laughing apology as she tipped the cup into her mouth, pulling the ping pong ball out after she’d drained it. The beer didn’t even taste gross anymore. Were all parties like this? Awkward at first, then fun. It was like a sleepover with a huge group of friends. Loud friends. Some of them a little smelly. But most of them just so nice and fun!
Once they finished the game, which she lost by only one cup, she had to give up her spot to a willowy girl with black hair and sparkling fake eyelashes. She wandered over towards the couch, sipping on the full beer that had ended up in her hand at the end of the game.
“Hey Nenna,” the red haired dude from across the pong table was at her side like magic, grinning at her. “Great game! I can’t believe that was your first time playing.”
“Oh,” she felt oddly flattered. “Thanks. I played a lot of horse shoes as a kid. Oh, uh… it’s Renna, not Nenna.” She took a long drag from the cup, the beer sliding across her tongue easily.
“I know.” He grabbed her hand and led her over to the dining room table. It was covered with cups and bottles and bowls full of pretzels and crackers. Renna tried to shove aside the memories of dinners here with Jeremy’s family. Or of taking photos before junior prom, with the decorated table behind them.
The red haired boy grinned at her, “I just thought it was cute when you said ‘arrr like a pirate’ and I was hoping for a repeat performance.” He leaned closer and she could smell the beer on his breath. “Let’s do a shot together. You look really pretty.” He slipped an arm around her waist, his hand landing midway between her lower back and the upper curve of her butt.
She looked around for Alyssa, hoping she’d come back by now. This guy was nice and all, but she wasn’t here for a hook up. Unfortunately, the gaze that caught her looking around was not Alyssa’s.
“Renna, you should introduce me to your new friend.” Jeremy was off the couch and leaning a hip against the side of the table faster than if she’d called him over. He was standing just a little closer to Renna than a friend would be.
“Since when do you care?” Renna leaned in a little closer to the red haired boy.
“Come on now, Renna. It was never how much I did or didn’t care. You were just never this Renna. Look at you, having drinks and coming out to a party…with alcohol.” He stage whispered the last word.
“You seem perfectly fun to me,” the boy tightened his arm around Renna, planting a sloppy, swaying, kiss on her neck.
Jeremy’s gaze frosted over. “I thought I heard you mentioning shots. How about you pour one for all three of us, Renna’s new pal?”
They stared at each other for a beat too long before the red head dropped his gaze, “Yeah, sure man. Vodka cool?” he began lining up shot glasses, not seeming to care if they’d already been used or not.
“Sure man, sounds good. So, Renna?” Jeremy leaned into her, but kept his voice intentionally loud, “Who is this handsome young fellow? He seems very… friendly.” Jeremy smirked smugly at her.
Renna normally would have felt awkward both from Jeremy’s possessive behavior and from not knowing this guy’s name, but the alcohol had smoothed the edges of her embarrassment. All she really wanted was to make Jeremy feel as small as he’d made her feel.
“Geez, Jeremy, last I checked you are just fine at introducing yourself to other people. Just because he’s not your type doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. Just go back to your girlfriend on the couch. Should I warn her that you’ll just cheat on her too?” Her voice was suddenly louder. The people nearby had stopped talking and dancing, watching them. She wasn’t embarrassed anymore. She was suddenly so angry with him. She wanted to hit him. She had loved him so much, and he had just moved on like it was nothing.
Jeremy laughed long and hard. “Oh Renna. It’s cute when you try to be like Alyssa. But you can’t even say something mean when you’re trying.” He reached out to pat her shoulder and she shoved his hand way, now close to tears. She grabbed two of the shot glasses off the table and drained them one after the other before stalking down the hallway toward the bathroom.
When she got to the second door on the left, there was a line of three girls waiting. They stared at her, tears starting down her face. One of them was jiggling her leg slightly like she really had to pee. After a moment of strange silence, she continued past them to the door at the end where she knew Jeremy’s parents had a bathroom attached to their bedroom. There were a few kids leaning against the corners of the door jambs, talking with their faces close together She shouldered the door open without knocking and saw a blur of half-naked bodies tangled together. Maybe it was just two. It was getting hard to tell. She wasn’t sure if her vision was blurred from the tears or the alcohol. Probably both. Making an inarticulate noise she slammed the door shut again, backing down the hall to the entrance way. She just needed some space. Space and fresh air. What time was it? It felt like she had been there for ages. Maybe it was getting close to dawn and she could just duck outside. Just for a moment. Just so she could stop
spinning.
She started searching for her shoes. When had so many shoes ended up piled here? And why was her nose running? She swiped a hand across her cheek, the back coming away wet with her tears and smeared with thick black mascara. What a stupid idea. She should never have come here. If she’d only known it would be at Jeremy’s house. Where the hell was Alyssa? She didn’t really need shoes anyhow. She knew how to unlatch the door. Surely if she just latched it behind her, stayed out only a minute or two, just to calm down, it would be fine. She wouldn’t leave the porch. Jeremy’s Mom lined the porch with pennies. She put fresh ones out every month, on the first of the month. Yeah. That would be okay.
Oh No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Her stomach started heaving, the beer sloshing in warning. She needed a bathroom, and she needed it now. She ran back through the hall, smashing through other kids and burst back through the door at the end of the hallway. Covering her mouth desperately with her hand she ran straight past the couple making slippery sighing noises in the bed and wrenched the bathroom door open. As she flipped back the toilet lid and bashed her knees to the ground she heard Alyssa’s voice behind her.
“Renna? Oh… Renna, oooh. Yep, we’re done here.” Renna heard Alyssa shoving the guy she’d wandered off with earlier out the bathroom door before closing it again. “This time we’re locking this door.” Then Alyssa’s cool hands were gathering up her long hair and pulling it away from her face and neck as she rubbed her back. “Just let it out. You’ll feel better.”
After what felt like hours of vomiting, but was only a few minutes, Renna had finally emptied her stomach. She sat on the floor, cushioning her head on the arm she’d rested on the edge of the tub. Alyssa sat next to her, a wash cloth she’d doused in cool water in her hand and was gently wiping the thick lines of mascara from Renna’s cheeks.
“I’m sorry I ruined the party for you,” Renna mumbled, misery choking her voice in the back of her throat. The room was still spinning slightly.
“Nah, girl.” Alyssa stopped wiping and handed her a wad of crumpled toilet paper. “Here blow your nose. Don’t worry. He wasn’t much of a kisser anyhow. He kept trying to swallow my tongue whole. I’m sorry.” Alyssa gave her the soft puppy dog eyes that said she meant her apology. “I shouldn’t have left you. You looked like you were having so much fun, I thought it would be fine. What happened?” She wiped a little more, “Based on your current state, I assume you lost at beer pong.” She held up a glass of water for Renna to sip from.
Renna snorted, “Yeah. But only by one cup.” She sipped obediently, then rolled her face into the crook of her arm and mumbled his name.
Alyssa leaned in, her blond hair tickling across Renna’s upper arm, “I could swear I just heard you say ‘Jeremy’ but I thought you weren’t going to let him get to you tonight?”
“Lyssa, I can’t help it. I hate him.” Renna started crying again, her stomach starting to roil once more. “He ruined the only good memories from our childhood.” She felt the water hit her stomach, refusing to settle comfortably in there. She turned back to the toilet. “I’m never drinking again,” she gasped before heaving into the open toilet bowl.
“You must have had a lot after I left.”
Wiping her mouth, “No. Well. Just the beer pong beer and two more shots of vodka.”
“Straight vodka?” Alyssa grinned, then forced her lips into a stern expression, “Renna, you’ve become a wild child before my very eyes. What have you done with my sober and quiet best friend?”
Renna rolled her eyes and blew her nose again, dropping the toilet paper in the bowl and depressing the handle to flush it. She yawned broadly. “I’m so tired of people calling me boring. Actually, I’m just really tired. When can we go home?”
Alyssa wrinkled her nose and checked her phone. “It’s only three in the morning. We’ve got a few more hours yet. What you really need to do is brush your teeth. Do you think Margaret still keeps a million toothbrushes in here?”
“Mrs. Bennett,” Renna stated, giving her best side-eye to her friend as she propped herself up on the counter’s edge, “probably does.” Jeremy’s mom worked as a dental hygienist a few towns over, and always seemed to have tons of those plastic wrapped toothbrushes with the dental office name and phone number embossed on the handle.
Opening random drawers, Alyssa met her eyes in the mirror of the sink as Renna swished tap water around her mouth, “Do you think she steals them? Like, this long game of having a million toothbrushes when the virus suddenly morphs and we live in Zombieland. She just takes home a few at a time. She’s just, like, stashing them in her purse as she packs up for the day. I bet people would pay a lot for a toothbrush when the world finally turns into a full apocalypse instead of this half-pocalypse, half normal life thing we got.”
Renna spit the water out, swiping her arm across her mouth. “I don’t think people will care about money then. But they might care about keeping their teeth.”
“Aha!” Alyssa triumphantly held up a clear toothbrush wrapped in thin plastic, with gold wording stamped into the plastic handle. “Man, I found the motherload!” Renna peeked over to the corner drawer. She really had. The entire drawer seemed to be stuffed with them. “Here,” Alyssa unwrapped two and handed one to Renna, dalloping a glop of toothpaste onto the one she kept and passing the tube to Renna’s drink-clumsy hands.
They brushed their teeth, taking turns spitting in the sink and washing it down, as if they’d been brushing next to each other their whole lives. As if Renna’s house hadn’t been deemed unsafe for sleepovers after the incident. Alyssa made them beds on the floor, with towels for blankets and washcloths stacked up for pillows. They lay facing each other.
“I’m so glad you brushed your teeth. I would never be able to nap with your vom breath in my face.” Alyssa‘s eyes twinkled before becoming more serious. “Remember that time Mrs. Bennett made us all brush our teeth after Jeremy’s ninth birthday party? She said we couldn’t be running around all afternoon with sugar burrowing into our adult teeth. She was always like that. Mothering us. All of us, not just Jer.”
“Yeah.” Renna smiled sadly back at Alyssa. “I used to wish she was my mom.”
“Me too.” Alyssa tugged her towel up and tucked her hands under her cheek, eyelids drooping. “I always thought that was part of why you dated him for so long. Why you put up with his shit. You loved his family just as much as you thought you loved him.”
Chapter 3
Renna’s brother was sleeping on the couch, an arm draped across his eyes to block out the sunlight streaming through the blinds, when she arrived home. Tim Tam was curled up across his ankles, and lifted his head in greeting, winking one bright green eye. Her brother slept through her re-locking the door. She tiptoed past him, resisting the temptation to flick his ear as she did. As soon as she started filling a glass with water from the tap he woke up with a start.
“Renna! Where have you been? Didn’t you see Mom’s texts? Forget that, didn’t you see mine?” Tim Tam jumped down and wound around her ankles, his tail tickling the backs of her knees.
Renna ducked her head guiltily. She had seen them. And she’d ignored them. All of them. Being hungover for the first time in your life just didn’t seem like the right time to willfully get a lecture. “Uh… yeah. Sorry. I was with Alyssa.”
He dropped his feet from the couch and sat up abruptly. “Yeah, I know. She at least had the decency to reply to my text.”
Renna’s mouth dropped open, “That little sneak! She didn’t even tell me you’d texted her.”
He walked over to the kitchen sink, taking in her dress and sniffing once deeply. “Somebody smells like alcohol and for once it isn’t me.” He grinned, the dimples that Alyssa had spent half the year fawning over when she was in love with him in eighth grade peeking out.
Renna shoved him half heartedly away, “Ugh, Benjamin I don’t want a lecture.”
He ruffled a hand through her hair, still grinning like the cat that ate t
he canary. “Oh, don’t worry little sister. I’m not going to lecture you. But I can’t say the same for Mom whenever she sees you next.” He started thumbing the screen of his phone rapidly. “Don’t worry, I’ll text her that you’re home. She has a double today, so you’ll be safe. For now.” Their mom frequently worked doubles to help meet the bills as a single parent. They’d gotten a lump sum after their Dad’s death, but it didn’t stretch far for long. Because of the curfew, anybody who worked far away, or worked the longer shifts often slept at their jobs. Or they slept in dingy copper covered hotels that were part of a network of connected buildings in the larger cities. It wasn’t worth the risk of attack to be walking to and from a car at night. And it wasn’t worth the risk of the fines to be caught driving between 9pm and 6am.
“So tell me about the party.” He reached across her to open the medicine cupboard, thunking the bottle of painkillers next to her. “Actually, take two of these and I’ll make you Mrs. Grass soup. You can tell me while the water boils.” He ran one hand through his floppy curls as he filled a pot in the sink. Tim Tam, annoyed with the lack of attention, wandered back over to the couch to curl up.
She tapped out the pills, swallowing hard. Hopefully these stayed down. “Aren’t you supposed to measure the water?”
“I’m an expert. A hang-over expert, and a party expert. C’mon Renna. Let big brother Jammin cure this hang-over while you regale me with all the high school fun you had last night.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her, making her laugh.
“You just finished high school like…four months ago.” She edged her butt onto a stool along the counter, flipping through his sketchbook to avoid telling him about the party. He’d made some new sketches last night.
He grabbed the book from her, flipping it closed and stashing it on the opposite counter. “That’s four long months of wisdom earned while playing bars and watching people get shitfaced on a Sunday afternoon. Besides, unlike you, I knew how to drink responsibly by seventeen.”