Vicious

by Murphy, A. E.

  “It’s true. They’ve gotta stop gettin’ their hopes up. I’m sick of hearing them sob when it doesn’t work out right for them.”

  Kane pulls on the end of my braid.

  “Ouch.”

  “You’re a cynical little git ain’t you.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  “It means you don’t trust nothin’ or no one.”

  I think on it for a moment and file that word away as my new word of the week. “What’s your point?”

  He rests his hands over his bent knees and stares in the same direction I am. “You wanna know somethin’ about us kid? You willin’ to listen?”

  “Do I gotta choice?”

  He laughs and it kinda sounds like mine. I’ve been seeing a lot of things that remind me of myself in both of them since we met.

  “When I was around your age, your momma in there was playin’ with her brother when I beat his ass and stole his bike.”

  He said ass. That’s so cool.

  “That’s mean.”

  “Absolutely. And for years after I shoved her around, called her names, bullied her so bad.”

  “Why?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t know, I can’t explain it or excuse it, she just rubbed me the wrong way, bein’ all prissy and lovin’ God like she did with what looked like such a perfect family. I bet you know the type.”

  Don’t I ever, I think but don’t say.

  “My momma was not a good lady, and just like you I got it in my head that I was just as unlovable as she said I was.”

  “She said that to you?”

  He nods, his lips a flat line. “She said a lot of things to me that messed with my head before my daddy stepped in and took me away but the pain stayed, the betrayal stayed and I clung to it so tight I wore it like a second skin. I couldn’t understand why my momma didn’t love me but I thought it must have been somethin’ I did so I kept on making people think that, kept on treatin’ people like crap so that none of them would ever try.”

  I look up at him into his eyes that are as blue as mine. “What happened?”

  “Exactly what I wanted. I had friends but not many, my daddy was fed up, my step-momma was fed up. I stopped gettin’ invited to parties and everything I thought was true about myself came true. Nobody loved me, nobody wanted me. I was a burden and even though I brought it on myself I couldn’t break outta that cycle.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So if you were so mean to my momma, how did you make me?”

  He laughs like I’m hilarious and this time I don’t mind it. “Well I wish I could tell you, kid. Your momma saw somethin’ in me I was sure I had never shown her. She loved me regardless and hell if I didn’t love her too. She completed my world, made the most unlovable boy in the United States, become the most loved. Ain’t nothin’ she wouldn’t have done for me and ain’t nothin’ I wouldn’t have done for her.” He pulls on my braid like before trying to make me look into his eyes again. “So don’t you be telling me you ain’t loveable because I’m tellin’ you right now, if that lady can love me for me… she certainly can love you for all that is you.” He leans in. “Give me your eyes, little darlin’.”

  I do and I feel them burn with moisture.

  “And hell if I don’t love you just as much as she does too.” He uses his thumb to catch my tears and rubs the moisture off the rough pad with his finger. “Love doesn’t come with conditions, it just is. When you figure that out, you’ll feel it just the same and we ain’t goin’ anywhere while you work on that.”

  “You love me?”

  “As much as, if not more than I love your momma.”

  “You really love her,” I comment quietly because I know he does, I can tell when he looks at her all gooey. It’s so gross.

  “Your momma is so easy to love.”

  “Easier than me?”

  “Ain’t nobody in this entire world who is easier to love than you,” he states and my lower lip trembles. “Behavin’ the way you do ain’t gonna make people stop loving you. It’s just gonna make you miss out on stuff we all know you’ll love. Like going to the movies for example with your giant dad here.” He bangs on his chest like a gorilla which makes me almost fall back laughing. “Or going to Travis County Fair with your momma in there who hates all the big rides but it’s funny watchin’ her scream. You really wanna miss that?”

  I shake my head because I really don’t want to miss that. “You’d take me to the county fair.”

  “Little darlin’, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go that’s not ridiculously dangerous. But you gotta give us a chance in return. Okay?”

  Nodding, I wipe my eyes on my wrist. “Okay.”

  “Good, then let’s go figure out your schedule.”

  Smiling now, no… beaming, I stand up as he does and place my hand in his when he offers it. It’s so big and warm. He winks at me and we walk together, every two steps of mine make almost one of his.

  When we reach the house, Immy is standing in the kitchen with a cup of something hot. I can see the steam rising out of the top.

  “We good?” Immy asks, her eyes glancing between the two of us.

  Kane smiles down at me. “We’re good.” He lets go of my hand after giving it a squeeze and lifts me up onto the counter which makes me giggle because I wasn’t expecting it. “Let’s start making plans, shall we? Before bolter here hops the fence and legs it to Mexico.”

  Grinning, I look at Immy who slides a pen and paper closer to me and writes in block letters at the top of the page, “DAYS OUT.”

  “What do you really want to do, that you never get to do?” Immy asks and my heart starts hammering in my chest.

  “Anything?”

  “Yep, if we can do it, we’ll do it.”

  I chew on my lip and look around the room. I’m nervous. What if they say no? I don’t want to feel stupid.

  “Go on,” Stacey mouths.

  “I like Disney.”

  Immy writes Disney movies down.

  “Anythin’ else?”

  “There’s this cake place in the city,” I admit, mouthwatering at the thought. “Where they do you like a spread of cupcakes to taste allll their flavors. Melody got to go for her birthday with her uncle. I really want to go.”

  “You want to go eat cake?” Immy asks, lips twitching.

  I nod and sigh wistfully. “I love cake.”

  “Me too,” Kane agrees and we bump fists. “Definitely put that on the list.”

  “I’m tryin’ to watch my waistline,” Immy jests as she scribbles it down. For somebody who is so good at art, her handwriting is like mine. Very messy.

  “I didn’t say you have to eat it.”

  She yanks on my braid like Kane did and smiles fondly at me. I never want her to look at me in any other way.

  Immy

  2 months later

  “You’ve gotta crank this and hold on real tight, okay?” West Jessop tells my eight-year-old daughter as he climbs onto the back of the quad she’s about to drive. She’s kitted out from helmet to booted toe, but my heart is still racing.

  “They’ll be fine,” Kane whispers in my ear, kissing the shell. “Let him have this.”

  “I’m not about to stop them.”

  “You sure? You’re holding onto that grill fork like you’re ready to poke him with it.”

  I look at my white knuckles around the handle of the arm length tool and quickly hang it back on the grill.

  One month ago Connie Felicia Jessop decided not only that we could give her a new middle name and surname, but that she was ready to come and live with us at Kane’s home in Faceless. And though social services are still present in our lives and will be for the next six months or so, she’s staying right where she is. And so am I.

  We have decorated her room to suit her tastes which consists of dark purples and greens and a medley of other random dark shades of colors. Whatever floats her boat of course. She seems to love
it and I just love having her here. I read to her every night if she lets me, sometimes it makes her sad and she opened up to me a week ago and said it reminds her of her first momma. So I said well if we keep doing it, maybe all our story time memories will erase the memories that bring her pain.

  We’re in a good routine. Every morning before school she goes with her daddy to the garage and helps him open up, because I have to leave to make the forty-five-minute drive to Austin where I’ve set up my tattoo shop. I don’t mind it. We made the right choice in living arrangements. I miss Chicago but I feel like I’m at home here.

  In Faceless, Connie has family, we have friends, the roads and streets are a lot safer than a busy city, the school is more intimate, and everybody knows everybody. Even though my experience growing up here wasn’t the best, my memories of playing on these streets absolutely are.

  We sold Mee-maw’s house as planned, it went a lot quicker than expected but then small towns like this have so much charm for city families which is who we sold it to. I didn’t give my momma a dime much to her dismay, I did however, slap an injunction on her ass to keep her away and then I put the money I was going to give to her in a trust fund for my baby whose life was stolen because of that bitch and her mother. My brother keeps trying to contact me too to reconnect and though we’ve had a brief conversation, I’m not interested in building bridges right now. I want to focus all my time and attention on the little girl I lost because of him.

  I suppose I could say the three of them are responsible for what happened to me and I don’t need to forgive any of them for any of it. It is not going to bring me any kind of peace. I find enough peace in hating them, thanking you kindly.

  Marshall holds open a bun for me to slap a burger patty into. I’m so glad he’s here. I didn’t think he’d come due to him being worried he’ll bump into his parents who are a sore subject for him for obvious reasons. I’m hoping if he does, they’re over their bigotry and can love him for who he is and not based on who he loves.

  What I keep drilling into Connie’s head is that love is unconditional for a lot of people, but some, such as Marshall and her friends back in care, aren’t as fortunate to have people in their lives that know how to love unconditionally. It doesn’t come easy.

  “Look, Immy!” Connie squeals as she rides past me, I only just hear her through her thick helmet and over the roar of the engine.

  “She still ain’t callin’ you momma,” Felicia utters as she approaches. She’s been trying to get Connie to say it since the day she met her. I appreciate her efforts, especially since I don’t want Connie to feel like I’m forcing her into anything. “I keep sayin’ your momma this and your momma that but she still just ain’t sayin’ it back.”

  “She’ll get there,” Marshall offers and winks at me. “I don’t think Immy minds too much. She’s just happy to have her.”

  I nod because he’s right. Being here with her day in day out is a dream I never thought would become a reality. The darkness that shadowed me for so long no longer seems to exist.

  We are getting our happy ending. Sure, we’ve got to work for it. Especially with my depression that I still have to keep fighting back, and Connie’s trust issues, and Kane’s anger, oh and Connie’s anger as proven when she kicked a classmate in her crotch the second day of school. But somehow, the three of us so far just keep each other grounded and happy and full of love. I couldn’t ask for a better support group.

  “Y’all keep having these cookouts I’m going to gain about fifty pounds,” Poppy calls, waddling up the driveway with her pregnant belly that seems to have just popped out over the past couple of months.

  She didn’t tell us she was pregnant because she didn’t want to steal our thunder with Connie. Which of course is ridiculous. She also didn’t want to worry us because the guy she was seeing bailed when she told him she was pregnant, so she’s moving back into town to be a single momma just like her momma did with her.

  “There’s my little devil bean,” I say in jest and molest her stomach.

  “No hello for the incubator carrying it?”

  “Shhhh, your voice is too scratchy for the little devil’s ears,” I hiss, still groping my friend.

  She laughs and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “Couldn’t do this without you.”

  I hug her back, squishing her six-month along pregnant belly between us. “Duh. I’m its daddy now.” Truth be told her being pregnant is such a welcome blessing.

  Kane and me have had that conversation and though I’d love to experience motherhood by his side, it’s just not something either of us are emotionally ready for right now, and Connie needs all of us, not some of us. When she’s older and in a better place mentally we’ll consider introducing another child to the world. Until then I’ll be surrogate momma to Poppy’s little boy and I’ll love every second.

  “Pretty sure it was sex that made you gain fifty pounds,” Marshall jokes and she reaches around me to smack his arm.

  “Seriously though, this is the third one in three weeks. Not that I’m complaining.”

  I lift a shoulder and lean into Kane who pulls me into his side. He always does that when I lean into him, he just seems to know I need his heat and energy in that moment. “It’s the only way they can really see Connie and get her doing shit. We aren’t allowed to introduce sleepovers at her grandparents or even unsupervised visits. It’s strict and crazy but we’re following the rules.”

  “Yeah, it’s not worth the risk,” Poppy agrees, smiling at West who almost falls off the back of the quad as Connie takes a turn in the field by the house just a bit too sharp.

  “Losing your balance, old man?” I shout with my hands cupped around my mouth. He flips me the bird and points in the direction Connie needs to go.

  She returns to us a minute later, sweaty under the helmet with a huge grin on her face. “That was awesome!”

  “She’s almost ready for a solo ride,” West announces and Kane high fives Connie while I scowl at the two of them.

  “Don’t be tellin’ her that,” Felicia admonishes and yanks on his beard before I get the chance to.

  I sit in the lounge chair when Kane takes over the food and I’m equal parts surprised and absolutely fucking elated when Connie comes and plonks herself on my lap, hair damp from the heat, cheeks rosy, arms freckled and covered in sun lotion. She leans back against my chest and I tickle her arm kind of like Kane does to me when I need to unwind.

  “I guess because you and Kane were so young when you had me, that nobody else you know really has any kids,” she says softly as she looks around us all.

  I wrap my arms around her waist and lock them across her stomach. She’s so dainty and tall. Just like I was at her age. “You miss havin’ friends to play with?”

  “Makes sense, what with her growing up in a place with a hundred other girls.” Felicia clicks her fingers. “Tell you what, how about I call my friend Jamie and see if she’ll bring her kids next time?”

  “Okay.”

  They share a smile and Connie nudges her way to a comfier position.

  “Are you happy?” I ask her, resting my chin on her head.

  “Yeah. Just really warm.”

  I laugh a little. “Me too.”

  “Want me to get off your lap?”

  “Nope. You can stay right here forever.”

  Epilogue

  “Oh my God you are such a little brat but you are just so cute!” Our fourteen-year old daughter says to our two-year old son who just jumped on her lap and started scrubbing at her makeup with a wet wipe. His daddy told him to.

  “Bryant,” I admonish weakly because I don’t mean it. Connie should not be wearing as much makeup as she is. I get that she’s experimenting, but I didn’t realize gothic clown was a look.

  Kane chuckles and yanks me into his body as Connie drops Bryant on the soft rug and exits the room grumbling about how she’s got to fix her face. He toddles along after her, adoring her like he always has a
nd hopefully always will.

  “Show me your panties,” Kane whispers in my ear and pushes his hands into the back of my jeans to grip my rear. He bites my neck and kisses my lips until I’m breathless. “Think we’ve got time for a quickie in the restroom?”

  “No,” I answer, giggling as he holds me tighter and grinds against me harder. “You need to stop. Connie’s date will be here soon.”

  Kane wouldn’t agree to her going on a date until the boy’s dad, Arnold, said he’d be supervising from a few rows back. Since Arnold and Kane are friends, Kane reluctantly put his trust in the man. Connie is just happy to be going out with a boy.

  “I don’t get it. I was not bothered about boys at her age,” I whisper when my mind takes me back there.

  Kane’s eyes darken. “If I recall, at her age you were making out on the patch with my friend.”

  I giggle and sigh dreamily for added effect. “Oh yeah.”

  “Oh yeah? Why the fuck you sayin’ oh yeah like that?”

  Fluttering my lashes I place my hand on my chest. “Whatever do you mean?”

  “Immy,” he warns, his eyes sparking with that familiar jealousy I just love to put there. Which isn’t hard to do. Especially when he sees the kind of men I tattoo. Though he never gives me hell for it, he just fucks me so hard my eyes spin.

  “Oh come on, it was years ago and it was my first kiss.”

  He growls and yanks me back to him again. “You shouldn’t be able to remember your first kiss that wasn’t with me.”

  “Shut up you big baby,” I remark, biting hard on his lower lip. “I didn’t want Mallick, I just liked the attention.”

  Kane scoffs. “Oh you remember his name now too?”

  I laugh so hard I can’t breathe, that is until he backs me into the door and shoves his tongue into my mouth. We makeout for a while and then he pulls back and pushes my hand onto his dick.