An Orphan's Journey

by Rosie Goodwin

  ‘Right, I’ll just go and settle her down for a nap.’ Mrs Forbes was backing towards the door as if she couldn’t leave the room quickly enough.

  And then she was gone and Pearl broke into devastated sobs. It felt as if all she had done on and off ever since she had woken was cry, and now she knew there would be yet more tears to come as she thought of the little girl she could never claim as her own. She had given up that right when she had agreed to let Mrs Forbes take the child and it would surely break the woman’s heart if she were to go back on her word now.

  What could she offer her anyway, compared to what the Forbeses could? With them she would be dressed in fine clothes and have the best education that money could buy. She would be spoiled and pampered and never know what it was like to go without as Pearl had. No, the deal was done and, much as it hurt, Pearl knew that she could never renege on it now. It was this that finally helped her to make her decision about her future. It would be torture to stay here and watch the child grow, knowing that she could never claim her as her own. But in England she still had a sister, so she would go there and try to make a life close to her.

  ‘I think you have made the right decision,’ Mrs Forbes said, trying to hide her relief when Pearl told her the next day. ‘When my mother returns to England, I shall book you a passage too. But are you quite sure that you don’t want a position with her in London?’

  Pearl shook her head. She had felt well enough to get out of bed and sit in the chair by the window for a short time today. ‘Thank you for the offer, but no. I would rather try to find work close to Amy. She’s all I have left now, you see?’

  ‘I understand.’ Mrs Forbes nodded. ‘In that case, I shall write you an excellent reference. That should help when you begin to seek work.’

  Pearl nodded numbly. There could be no changing her mind now.

  Mrs Forbes’s mother and her lady’s maid, Sophie, arrived two weeks later, heartily glad that the sea voyage was over. She had never been a good traveller. Pearl was up and about by that time and it had been agreed that she should resume some of her duties so that it wouldn’t look suspicious to the visitor. Mrs Forbes had also started to receive visitors again and it was now commonly known within the community that she had given birth to a baby girl, who was duly admired by all.

  When first introduced to the baby, Laura Kennedy-Scott stared at the child for some time, before declaring she was just beautiful. ‘Although I will admit to being shocked when I heard that you were with child again,’ she told her daughter, who had the grace to blush. ‘You had such a hard time with Elizabeth that I thought your child-bearing days were well and truly over?’

  Emmaline’s cheeks grew rosy as she squirmed uncomfortably. ‘So did I.’

  ‘And was it a difficult birth? Are you feeding her yourself or do you have a wet nurse?’

  Her daughter was growing more uneasy by the minute. There were so many questions. ‘No, it wasn’t a difficult birth and no, I’m not feeding her myself; I didn’t have enough milk,’ she answered a touch coldly. ‘And no, I don’t have a wet nurse, or a nanny for that matter. I want to look after her myself. I feel I missed far too much of their infancy when I had Monty and Elizabeth.’

  ‘But my dear, whatever will people think?’ Mrs Kennedy-Scott had a heart of gold beneath her bossy exterior, but she was a hopeless snob. Thankfully the conversation went no further, for the subject of their attention woke at that moment and gave a lusty yell to let everyone know she was due for a feed.

  That afternoon, while Mrs Forbes spent time with her mother and settled her in, Pearl took a walk to the churchyard. She was very much better now but still tired easily, and by the time she got there she was glad to sit down for a while on the little wooden bench that nestled in the shadows of the tiny church’s walls. It was now early October and once again the prospect of a long, hard winter was looming. Not that it will bother me, Pearl thought, as she looked towards the simple wooden cross that marked her sister’s grave. She would be leaving for London in four weeks’ time when Mrs Forbes’s mother returned and it felt strange to think that she would never come here again.

  Eventually she wandered across to the grave and gently laid the posy of evergreens she had picked on to the pile of earth that marked Eliza’s resting place. As always, her heart was heavy as she pictured the little sister she had always loved and tried to protect. Even now it was hard to accept that her love had never been returned.

  ‘I shall be going away soon, Eliza,’ she whispered, but the wind snatched her words away. ‘I shan’t be able to come here again, but rest easy knowing that, wherever I am, you will live on in my heart.’ The afternoon was fast darkening by this time and so after a few more minutes of silent contemplation she turned and wearily made her way back to the house.

  It was decided that the three women should return to London aboard The Neptune, yet another of Mr Forbes’s ships, that was due to deliver a cargo of timber to London early in December, and from then on the time seemed to pass in a blur. Mrs Forbes insisted that Pearl should visit the dressmaker for two more new gowns before she left, and despite her mistress’s kindness Pearl had a funny feeling that Mrs Forbes would be glad to see the back of her. She could understand why. Once she was gone, the baby would be completely hers.

  Pearl had tried her best not to be near the baby but it was hard to avoid her sometimes, and each time she saw her she had to resist the urge to pick her up and nuzzle her soft skin. She had moved back into her old room in the servants’ quarters and it brought back painful memories of Eliza each time she entered the room and saw her empty bed.

  Susan was also beginning to get upset at the thought of Pearl leaving. They had been close since they first met in the workhouse, and become even more so during their journey to Canada, and she knew that she would miss her.

  She was cheered somewhat when Susan shared some happy news the week before Pearl was to sail. ‘I think I might be with child,’ she whispered, when they sat in the kitchen together one evening. Cook and the family had all gone to bed and Will was snoozing in the fireside chair with his feet stuck out on the fender. ‘I’m not sure yet, I’ve only missed one course so I won’t raise Will’s hopes yet awhile but I fought yer’d like to know afore yer left.’

  ‘Oh, how wonderful!’ Pearl was genuinely pleased for her, and gave her a quick hug. ‘Little Mathilda will have a playmate.’

  Susan grinned. ‘I doubt that. Can yer really see Mrs Forbes letting her mix wiv the child of a servant?’

  ‘I don’t see how she could stop it if they both live here,’ Pearl responded.

  Suddenly Susan’s eyes became moist as she went on, ‘I’m going to miss yer so much.’

  ‘I’ll miss you too. But we can write to each other regularly. I want to hear about everything that’s going on here and all about . . .’ Her voice trailed away, but they were both aware of what she had been about to say.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure yer know how Mathilda is,’ Susan promised, her face solemn. Knowing Pearl as she did, she realised just how much it was going to cost her to leave her child there.

  ‘Perhaps one day when you and Will have saved up enough, you could come to England for a holiday,’ Pearl said, hoping to lighten the mood.

  Susan nodded enthusiastically. ‘I’d love that, but I fink it will be a long time away yet. Me and Will are saving hard now and when we’ve enough put by, he wants to start a little horse farm of his own.’

  Knowing how much Will loved the horses, Pearl thought it was an excellent idea. He stirred at that moment and pulled his shoes on, and soon after he and Susan retired to their rooms above the stables, leaving Pearl to lock up for the night.

  Before she knew it, it was the morning of their departure, and while Mrs Forbes helped her mother’s maid to pack her last-minute things, Pearl crept into the drawing room to say a final goodbye to her baby daughter. She was lying in her crib, cooing and gurgling as she waved her chubby arms and legs in the air. />
  As Pearl bent over her, she gave her a gummy smile that set Pearl’s heart racing. ‘Goodbye, my sweet darling,’ Pearl whispered brokenly. ‘Please forgive me for leaving you. You’ll have a much better life here than I could ever have offered you, so please be happy.’ She planted a tender kiss on the baby’s cheek, savouring the feel of the soft skin on her lips. Then she hurried from the room without looking back, for she knew if she did, she would not be able to leave her.

  ‘Ah, Pearl.’ Mrs Forbes hurried towards her and pressed an envelope into Pearl’s hand. ‘I was hoping to catch you on your own. Please take this . . . it’s a sort of little thank you for all you’ve done for me.’

  Pearl shook her head. ‘No, please. You’ve done more than eno—’

  But Mrs Forbes frowned and wagged a finger at her. ‘I don’t want to hear another word. There should be enough there to cover your travelling expenses to the Midlands once you get to England and keep you going until you find employment. And don’t worry, I promise that when you are settled, if you let me have your address, I shall keep you updated on Mathilda’s progress.’

  Swallowing the lump in her throat, Pearl moved on to the kitchen without another word.

  Susan was just putting her coat on – she had insisted that she come to the quay to see her off – so Pearl went to Cook to give her a last hug and kiss.

  The woman’s eyes were watery as she told her, ‘You just take care of yourself now, hinny. And don’t forget us. We shall want you to write regularly to let us know how you are.’

  ‘I will,’ Pearl promised with a catch in her voice as she turned blindly to the door. She would say her goodbyes to Will once he had taken them to the docks in the carriage, which was now loaded with their luggage and waiting at the door.

  She had said goodbye to the master that morning before he had gone to oversee the loading of the timber on to the ship, so now all that remained was to go and take her seat in the carriage. Once she had leaned back against the soft leather squabs, she stared at the house from the window, knowing deep down that she would never see it again. She and Eliza had gone there with so much hope in their hearts, thinking that this would be the start of their forever future, and in fairness she had to admit that she had known a deal of happiness and contentment there, but it didn’t outweigh the heartbreak she had also suffered. Now she watched numbly as Mrs Kennedy-Scott, her maid and Susan came out to join her.

  The older woman waved at her daughter as Will drove the carriage away, and soon the house was lost to sight and they were rattling through the town. She allowed herself a last quick glance at the church as they passed it. Susan had promised that she would tend Eliza’s grave for her, which gave her a measure of comfort. Almost before they knew it, they were at the docks, and as they got down from the carriage, sailors appeared as if by magic to spirit all the luggage away up the gangplank.

  ‘Half an hour until we sail,’ a sailor shouted from the deck, as Susan sidled up to her and took her hand.

  ‘This is it then,’ she said softly as she and Pearl stared into each other’s eyes, each knowing how much they were going to miss each other. Mrs Kennedy-Scott and her maid discreetly started up the gangplank leaving them to have a few precious moments alone.

  Will joined them and all three of them were tearful.

  ‘You just make sure you look after her for me,’ Pearl told him in a shaky voice.

  He nodded and placed a protective arm about his young wife’s shoulders. ‘You need have no fear on that score. It’s you we’re more concerned about. We wish you were going to work for Mrs Forbes’s mother. At least we would know you were safe then instead of going off galivanting to pastures new all on your own.’

  Pearl smiled through her tears. ‘I shan’t be galivanting, as you put it,’ she assured him. ‘I know exactly where my sister is now and it’s important to me that I find her. She’s all the family I have left now apart from Mathil—’ The name died on her lips as a sharp pain pierced her heart, but they said nothing as they nodded in understanding.

  But then someone was shouting for all to come aboard, and Will gently nudged her towards the gangplank.

  ‘Go on and stay safe, just remember we’re always here for you if you should need us.’

  Pearl nodded and blindly began to climb. Soon she was on the deck, and already the gangplank was being raised. This was it; there could be no going back now.

  Very slowly, the enormous ship began to move, and they all waved to each other until soon Susan and Will were nothing more than distant specks on the shore.

  Slowly Pearl turned and went to find her cabin. She discovered that she was in the one next to Mrs Kennedy-Scott’s maid and was pleased to see that it was slightly bigger than the one she had shared with Eliza when they had travelled to London before. It all seemed such a long time ago now and so much had happened since. With an enormous effort, Pearl pulled herself together. There was no point in looking back. What had gone before could never be changed. From now on she must look to the future.

  She began to unpack her clothes and make herself as comfortable as she could. Thankfully, Mrs Forbes had supplied her with a good selection of books to read on the journey, so at least she knew she wouldn’t be bored. Once it was done, she wrapped up warmly and went up on deck, just in time to see the coastline of Canada fading into the distance as the rain fell.

  ‘Goodbye, Eliza; goodbye, Mathilda; goodbye, Nick,’ she whispered, glad that the raindrops disguised the tears on her cheeks.

  Chapter Forty-One

  A

  week into the voyage, the weather took a drastic turn for the worse and everyone was confined to their cabins. Mrs Kennedy-Scott’s maid informed Pearl that her mistress was suffering from a severe bout of seasickness, but thankfully up until then Pearl had been well, possibly because she had kept herself busy reading and not given herself much time to think about anything else.

  ‘Eeh, the poor woman’s been as sick as a dog,’ the maid informed her, wrinkling her nose in distaste. ‘The cabin smells like someone’s died in there, despite all my best efforts to keep it clean.’

  Her words brought back memories of Eliza being the same way on their last sea journey, but she hastily pushed them away.

  ‘No doubt she’ll feel a lot better when we get through this storm,’ Pearl told her encouragingly. The poor woman didn’t look all that well herself and her face was the colour of lint.

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ the woman sighed, as she tried to catch her plate again.

  They were seated in the dining cabin eating a surprisingly tasty meal of stew and dumplings, although it wasn’t easy when with each swell of the ship their plates kept sliding away from them.

  Thankfully, the next day the storm abated, and once more they were able to go up on deck to get some fresh air, although no one ventured outside for long because it was bitterly cold. In fact, Pearl had overheard the first mate say that he was sure he could smell snow in the air.

  It was early one evening as she stood on deck, watching the mighty ship slice through the waves, that someone came to stand beside her. Glancing over, Pearl saw that it was Mrs Kennedy-Scott. She was still decidedly pale but looking much better than she had.

  She smiled. ‘So how are you, my dear?’ she asked pleasantly as she gripped the iron railing. She clearly wasn’t feeling very confident out there.

  ‘I’m very well, thank you.’ Pearl returned the smile. ‘And I’m pleased to see that you’re looking a little better too. Your maid told me how poorly you’ve been.’

  ‘Hm, it was that wretched storm. I’ve never really found my sea legs, which is why I don’t visit Emmaline as often as I would like to,’ she confided. She peeped at Pearl out of the corner of her eye then as she went on quietly, ‘Of course, I could hardly avoid this trip when I had a new granddaughter to meet, could I? Baby Mathilda is quite delightful, isn’t she? A real little beauty.’

  ‘Yes . . . yes, she is,’ Pearl agreed, feeling the colour
rush into her cheeks.

  They stood in silence for some seconds, but the woman’s next words made Pearl’s head snap around and her eyes widen with shock.

  ‘It couldn’t have been easy for you to give her up, my dear.’

  ‘Wh-what? I, er . . . don’t understand what you mean,’ Pearl stammered.

  ‘Oh, come now.’ Mrs Kennedy-Scott chuckled. ‘I knew the second I clapped eyes on the child that she was yours. I have a sneaky feeling that Monty had something to do with it too.’

  Pearl clamped her lips together as panic coursed through her. If Mrs Kennedy-Scott had suspected her and Mrs Forbes’s deception, why had she waited until now to say anything?

  The woman reached out and laid her hand across Pearl’s. ‘Don’t worry. You don’t have to confirm my suspicions, but I’ve lived a long time and I’m no fool, my dear.’ Her voice held a trace of sadness as she stared out across the waves. ‘I loved Monty – he was my grandson – but I also know that he was no angel. When he was living with me, it was no secret that he sought out female company often. I think this baby will be the making of my daughter, although I do realise what it must have cost you to leave her back there. After losing both of her children, I feared for Emmaline’s sanity. No mother should lose a child, let alone both of them. But now that she has little Mathilda to focus on, I think she will survive. Just tell me one thing – were you in love with Monty?’

  ‘Oh no . . . I . . . we . . .’ Pearl faltered, shaking her head in denial.

  Mrs Kennedy-Scott nodded. ‘It’s all right, you don’t need to say anymore. I think I have a picture of what happened now, and although I mourn his death, I have to admit that he had a bad streak in him. I just pray that little Mathilda takes after you.’

  Pearl was at a complete loss for words, but Mrs Kennedy-Scott patted her hand. ‘We will say no more on the subject, but just know that if ever you should need anything in the future, you can always come to me. You have given my daughter the most precious gift in the world and I thank you, and apologise on my grandson’s behalf for all you must have gone through. Goodnight, my dear.’