A Heart Divided

by Jin Yong

  “The commotion drew me back to the present. I opened my eyes to see a child cradled in her arms, and sheer terror on her face. She knelt and kowtowed, wailing, sobbing, begging. ‘Mercy, Great King! Mercy! Spare my child!’

  “I got up to take a closer look at the toddler. His tiny face was flushed a feverish red, his little chest heaving and throbbing. I took him from her arms. I held him, my hands on his back. I could feel the fracture through his skin. Five ribs. Snapped.

  “She pleaded with me: ‘Your Majesty, I have sinned and I deserve to die, but please spare this child.’ Her choice of words was curious—‘spare’—so I asked, ‘What has happened?’ She just knocked her forehead on the floor, over and over again. I tried once more. ‘Who hurt him?’ She wouldn’t answer, she simply cried, ‘Mercy, Great King! Mercy!’

  “I didn’t know what to say or do. At length, she began to speak again between snivels and kowtows. ‘Your Majesty … granted me death … no complaint … but the child … the child…’ I was full of questions. ‘Who granted you death? How did the boy—?’” For the first time, she looked me in the eyes and said in a trembling voice, ‘Didn’t Your Majesty send your guard to…’

  “I realized at last that something sinister was afoot. ‘My guard? Impossible! Who would dare?’ She was overjoyed. ‘If this wasn’t your imperial decree, then my child is saved,’ she cried. Moments later, she fainted.

  “I carried her to my bed and placed the baby next to her. When she came to, a short while later, she took my hand and told me what had happened. She had been lulling the boy to sleep when a masked imperial guard jumped in through the window. He wrenched the child from her arms and aimed a slap at his back. She hurled herself at him, fighting tooth and nail, but he shoved her away and struck the child again, this time on the chest. Then he left, with a cackle. She’d assumed it was I who had sent him and came straight to my rooms to beg for the boy’s life.

  “I was bewildered by her account and examined the child again. I couldn’t tell what kung fu had caused his injury, but I knew the attacker was no common thug. This infant had taken two powerful palm thrusts. He was still breathing, but his Belt Meridian was severed. Clearly, the masked man had wanted to hurt the boy without killing him outright. I went straight to her quarters to see if the assailant had left any trace. I found some very faint footprints on the roof tiles and the window frame.

  “I told her what I could gather from them: ‘The assassin was a Master, skilled in lightness kung fu. Not a soul in this Kingdom, besides myself, is at that same level.’

  “Her face was ashen. ‘Could it be him? Why would he want to hurt his own son?’”

  “The Old Urchin wouldn’t do that…” Lotus said.

  “At the time, I believed he was behind this heinous act. Who else of his martial standing had reason to hurt this harmless baby? I assumed he didn’t want his reputation tarnished by an illegitimate child. But, even as she uttered those words, she was full of shame and remorse. ‘No! Never!’ she shouted. ‘It can’t be him! That laugh. It wasn’t his. It couldn’t be him!’ Struck by her conviction, I asked, ‘How can you be sure? You’re in shock.’ She looked me in the eye and said, ‘I will never forget that laugh. Even when I’m nothing but a ghost, I will remember it.’”

  A shiver down ran everyone’s spine. Lotus and Guo Jing’s encounter with Madam Ying was just a couple of days old and her voice was still fresh in their minds. They could almost hear her spitting those words out through gritted teeth.

  “She sounded so unshakeable in her conviction that I had no choice but to believe her, though I had no notion of who else it could be. For a time, I did toy with the idea that it might be one of Immortal Wang’s disciples—Ma Yu, Qiu Chuji or Wang Chuyi. Perhaps they could have traveled thousands of miles to eliminate a toddler to preserve the Quanzhen Sect’s…” Sole Light trailed off, catching Guo Jing’s moving lips and his hesitation over whether to interrupt. “Go on, speak, I won’t take offense.”

  “Elder Ma, Elder Qiu and Elder Wang are heroes who follow the moral code of xia. They would never do such a wicked thing.”

  “I met Wang Chuyi on Mount Hua. He seemed to be of sound character, but I don’t know the others. But one thing has always puzzled me. Let’s say it was indeed one of the Quanzhen Immortals. They could have easily dispatched the child with one blow. Why leave him half dead?”

  Sole Light gazed out of the window, loss and self-doubt darkening his face. This mystery had haunted him for more than a decade. After a short interval, he said, “Right, I should continue—”

  “It can only be Viper Ouyang,” Lotus declared.

  “That occurred to me too, but she insisted that killer was shorter than the average man. And the Venom, like his fellows in the Western Regions, is well-built. He’s at least a head taller than our men.”

  “Really? Hmmm…” Lotus was baffled.

  “I couldn’t think of anyone who had cause back then, and I still can’t today … Her tears streamed down her face as she hugged the child. He wasn’t as badly injured as you, but he was so young. He had nothing inside his little body that could help him bear such a blow. To heal him would cost all my primal strength. I was torn. Her anguish was so infectious that I was almost moved to grant her her wish, but, each time I was about to reach out for the boy, my mind strayed to the second Contest of Mount Hua. To the cold, heartless fact that, by saving his life, I would be forfeiting all hopes of becoming the Greatest Martial Master Under the Heavens, depriving these fingers of a chance to turn the pages of the Nine Yin Manual.”

  A profound sigh. “Immortal Wang said that the Manual was the greatest source of evil in the wulin. It is incontestably true—the slaughter it has caused, the lives it has destroyed. In the hope of possessing its secrets, I have abandoned compassion, charity, love. I dithered for almost two hours before I made up my mind to revive the boy. In those hours, I was not human. I was baser than fowl or beast. And the worst part is that I came to the decision to help because I could not withstand her pleading any longer. It was not because I’d had an epiphany that it was the right thing to do, something that any human with a heart would have done.”

  “See? I was right when I said you loved her very much, Uncle,” Lotus said.

  But Sole Light did not seem to hear her. “When she heard that I would help, she passed out from joy. I brought her round then untied the child’s night clothes, so I could massage him using Cosmos neigong. I peeled open his little shirt and the sight of his undergarments stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t say a word.

  “Two mandarin ducks frolicking in water. The poem about weaving lovebirds. The handkerchief she gave Brother Zhou as a token of their love. She had fashioned it into a vest to keep their love child warm. She could see the change in my countenance. Her already bloodless cheeks turned whiter still. She pulled a dagger from her belt and pressed it to her chest. ‘Your Majesty, I have done you wrong and I am ashamed to face this world any longer, but allow me to appeal to your magnanimity. Let me give my life in exchange for my child’s. This lowly woman shall return in the next life as your dog or your horse, so I can serve you with one heart to requite your grace and benevolence.’ With those words, she plunged the blade into her heart.”

  The knowledge that she had survived this could not prevent a sharp intake of breath from the listeners.

  Sole Light continued, scarcely registering their reaction. He was now recounting the events for himself. Everyone else may as well have ceased to exist. “I plucked the dagger from her grasp. I was quick, but its point had already pierced the skin. Blood soaked her robes. I locked her pressure points in case she tried to take her life again, took care of the wound and carried her to a chair. She looked at me, her mouth clamped shut. Just her eyes. Fixed on me. Beseeching. No words. No one spoke. Only one sound remained … the child’s wheezing.

  “The past—our past—assaulted me through his labored panting. The days when she first came to the palace. W
hen I taught her kung fu. Lavished her with attention … She waited on me. Always gentle, always eager to please, but she did it with respect, with trepidation. She had refused me nothing, but she had also never loved me. Not with her heart. Not with her soul.

  “But I had not known that … Not until I saw how she looked at Brother Zhou. Then I understood. Those eyes were drinking in everything about a man she loved with every fiber of her being. That was what love looked like.

  “Her eyes took in, without blinking, how Brother Zhou let go of the handkerchief. Her eyes took in, without blinking, how he turned his back on her and walked away, out of the palace, out of her life.

  “It was those eyes, that look, that had made my sleep fitful, my food tasteless. And now I was confronted with that look in those eyes once more. And now, for the second time, I was witnessing, through her eyes, the breaking of her heart. For another. Not her lover, this time, but his son. The son she’d had with him!

  “Oh, for a man to be so begrimed, for a king to be so abused! The fire of hideous rage, the flame of grotesque wrath burned in me. I lifted my foot and brought it down on an ivory stool, breaking it into pieces. Then I saw something that shocked me more than anything else that night. ‘What … what happened to your hair?’ She didn’t hear me. She only had eyes for her child.

  “I had never known that one look could contain so much love, so much sorrow, so much longing. She knew I would never help his child. She knew each moment her eyes feasted on this little life while its chest still heaved, was a most precious moment for her, but it also brought her son a moment closer to death.

  “I fetched a mirror and said to her, ‘Look at your hair!’ It had been mere hours since she had burst into my room with her babe, but in that short time she had aged by decades. She was just eighteen. Maybe nineteen. Yet, in those few hours of rage, distress and repentance, of hopes raised and dashed, of love, pity and heartsick, the onslaught of extreme emotions had turned her temples white!

  “She cared not for the change in her looks, but she resented the mirror for blocking her view of her darling child. ‘Take it away!’ she barked. Forthright. Direct. She had forgotten that I was her king. Her lord and master.

  “I was speechless. I knew how much care she took of her appearance. Why did it not matter to her now? I asked myself as I tossed away the mirror. I studied her. Her eyes never strayed from her child. I’d never seen such yearning. She was willing the boy to live. She was trying to inject her own life into his small body just by looking at him, to replace and to replenish the vitality that was seeping out of him.”

  Guo Jing caught Lotus’s eye and knew the same thought was in her mind: That was how you looked at me when I was at death’s door. They reached for each other’s hand, holding tight. Their hearts throbbed, a warm tingle surged through their bodies. They had been blessed with such luck. They could sit next to the love of their life, no longer in danger, having made a full recovery. They would not have to watch the other die. They would never die. The love inside their hearts could never die.

  “I reached out, again and again, intending to help the child, so I could chase that look from her face. But that handkerchief. Wrapped around his belly. Over his heaving chest … That pair of lovebirds. Mandarin ducks. Nuzzling. Leaning into each other. Mandarin ducks mate for life. Mandarin ducks have white plumes on their heads. Mandarin ducks are symbols of happy union, of fidelity, of growing old together. Why ‘pity the hair that grows gray before its time’?

  “I saw the silver hair at her temples with new eyes. A cold sweat broke out, soaking through my robes. Spite numbed my heart. I said to her: ‘Go on, you two. Grow old and grow gray together. Go on! Leave me here to play as king! Alone in the palace, without a soul! This is your spawn with him. Why should I waste my elemental strength to save it?’

  “Her eyes flicked across my face. The last time I felt her gaze upon me. A look of hatred, of bile, of resentment, of abhorrence. I’ll never forget how it seared my skin. I’ll remember it until my day of reckoning. ‘Unbind me. I want to hold my son.’ Stern, cold, devoid of emotion. The voice you’d use for a subordinate. And there was something in her tone I could not refuse. I did as she commanded. I unlocked her pressure points.

  “She scooped up the child and pressed him against her bosom. He was wracked by agonizing pain. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t make a sound. His little face had gone puffy and purple. His eyes were imploring, begging his mother to help him, to relieve him.

  “My heart had turned to stone. There was not a drop of compassion left in my being. I watched her hair turn, strand by strand, from black to gray to white. I didn’t know if I was hallucinating or if it was really happening before my eyes. She was cooing, trying to comfort him. ‘My son, Mama isn’t skilled enough to heal you. But Mama can stop the pain. Hush, my little love, hush … Sleep … Sleep … and never wake again…’ She hummed a lullaby. She sang it so beautifully. It was such a lovely tune. Mmm … Yes, yes, that’s it, that’s how it goes. Hark!”

  There was only silence in the room.

  “Shifu, you’ve been talking for a long time. Rest now, please.”

  “A smile spread across the child’s face.” Sole Light carried on without heeding the scholar’s words. “Then, his little body contorted. She murmured, ‘My love, my heart, sleep. It’ll stop hurting when you’re asleep. Nothing will ever hurt you again…’ Her words trailed off. She had driven the dagger into her son’s heart.”

  Lotus yelped and grabbed Guo Jing by the arm. The faces of the four disciples were as white as a sheet.

  The monk went on, oblivious to his audience. “I cried out and staggered back. I almost fell. In here –” he tapped his heart—“chaos. I watched her straighten up. Slowly. ‘One day, I will plunge this dagger into your heart.’ She spoke ever so quietly. Then she took a jade bracelet off her wrist. ‘You gave me this the day I came to the palace. Wait for the day it makes its way back to you. That is when this dagger will find its mark. Wait for that day.’”

  Sole Light twirled the bracelet over his finger. “This bracelet. I have waited for more than a decade. At last, it has returned.”

  “She killed her own son, Uncle. It’s got nothing to do with you,” Lotus said, in an attempt to console the monk. “It wasn’t you who hurt the child in the first place. And she’s already poisoned you. Whatever blood debt existed has been crossed out. I’ll go and send her on her way. I won’t let her bother—”

  She was interrupted by the novice, who had rushed in with a small parcel. “Shifu, this was sent from the foot of the mountain.”

  Sole Light opened the package to a chorus of mutterings.

  The dead child’s undergarments. The silk had yellowed with age, but the colored thread tracing the pair of mandarin ducks was still vibrant. A rent, caked with blackened blood, had torn the two lovebirds apart.

  The monk stared at it for a long time.

  “‘To weave a pair of lovebirds so they can take flight.’ To take flight! Ai! A dream, it was.” At length, he resumed his tale. “She howled and howled, holding her lifeless child. Then she leaped out the window, jumped up onto the roof and disappeared into the night. For three days and three nights afterward, I could think of nothing else. I could not bear the thought of food or drink passing my lips. At last, I came to a resolution. I abdicated and passed the throne to my heir, my eldest son, so I could receive the tonsure.” He pointed at the four disciples. “They had been by my side for many years and did not want to be parted from me. They too left court and followed me to the Celestial Dragon Temple outside the city of Dali.

  “For the first three years, they took turns returning to court to assist my son. It did not take long for him to grow familiar with state affairs, and the country enjoyed peace. It was around that time we encountered Viper Ouyang. When they were searching for the Venom, Ziliu –” Sole Light pointed to the scholar—“discovered that Madam Ying was living as a recluse and practicing martial arts in a swamp near Pea
ch Spring, in western Hunan.

  “I was worried that she might hurt herself while training, and moved here from Dali so I could keep an eye on her. I arranged for trees to be planted, to fortify the woods surrounding her marshland, and provided her with food and supplies—”

  “See, Uncle, I was right. You still love her. You don’t want to be apart from her.”

  3

  Sole Light drew in a breath and said, “These four were concerned about me and came with me to Hunan. We settled here and haven’t been back to Dali since.

  “For the sake of one marble-hearted moment, I have not found rest or peace for more than ten years. It was I who refused to save the child that night, and, since then, I have hoped to save others to atone for that sin. But my disciples have never understood. They keep trying to stop me. And, regardless of how many people I restore to health—a thousand, ten thousand—I can never bring back the child that I refused to help. I will not be absolved until I willingly give my life back to him.

  “I have been waiting every day since for Madam Ying to come, for her to drive her dagger into my heart. My biggest fear was that I would die before her arrival, fated not to face my karmic retribution. Well, now, at last, she is on her way.

  “There really was no need for her to tamper with the Dew of Nine Flowers. Had I known she would come so soon after I was poisoned, I wouldn’t have imposed on my brother-in-faith and asked him to purge the toxins. I could have kept them at bay with my kung fu for a few hours until she arrived.”

  “This woman has a black heart!” Lotus was indignant. “She has long known your whereabouts and that you have been looking after her. The only thing stopping her from her vengeance is her mediocre kung fu, so she sits there, plotting and scheming, waiting for an opportunity—waiting for someone like me to direct here. It so happened that we stumbled across her after I was injured by Qiu Qianren. Since then, I’ve been her pawn and her weapon, first to weaken you, then to poison you. It makes my blood boil just to think about it! But, Uncle, you haven’t explained how that drawing by Viper Ouyang ended up in her possession, and how it relates to everything you’ve told us.”