Tough Talking Cowboy

by Jennifer Ryan

  She couldn’t tell them what happened last night, not without making them worry even more. Or making them think Drake didn’t want to really live, instead of just survive and hide every day.

  She didn’t believe that.

  This morning proved he wanted to be a part of things. He wanted to connect. At least with her.

  And that made sense to her. “I’m not you.”

  “What does that mean?” Declan took her plate and Tate’s and stacked them.

  “There’s no history between us. I don’t expect anything from him. I’m not looking for who he used to be. I only know him as the man he is right now. I know something about being traumatized and feeling like the person you used to be died and you don’t want to be the new you.”

  Trinity reached across the table and held out her hand.

  Adria leaned forward and clasped it.

  Trinity knew her story. Not the details, but the basics. Enough to know that Adria sympathized with Drake.

  “What happened to you?” Declan leaned in, ready to listen to her sad tale.

  She kept that part of her life in the past. At least, she tried to. Dating was still hard. Being with a man even more difficult. “Let’s just say, I know what it’s like to have to do things to survive. Things you don’t want to do.” Trinity squeezed her hand. “Drake needs time to grieve who he used to be. It’ll take time to figure out who he is now and what he wants to be.”

  “He’s been home for months,” Tate pointed out.

  “And in that time he’s lost even more. His fiancée walked out on him. His physical injuries have healed but they left him permanently altered. His mind won’t let go of the past. He thinks he’ll never be free of the chaos in his mind. But you saw it this morning. He found a way to quiet it. For a little while at least.”

  “I’ll take it.” Trinity smiled softly. “Maybe he’ll have more quiet moments.”

  “If that’s the best we can hope for, then I hope so, too.” Declan took the plates to the sink. He turned back to her. “Are you going to tell us what really happened last night? Because we don’t believe the bullshit story he told us about going for a walk.”

  Drake reappeared in the kitchen doorway. “Bullshit or not, it’s none of your fucking business.”

  Declan leaned back against the counter and eyed Drake. “You are our business. We’re trying to help you.”

  “Help me what?”

  Declan took a step forward. “Not be such a dick all the time. How about that?”

  Drake took a step and came up a foot away from Declan. “Get off my back and I won’t be such a dick all the time. How about that?”

  Adria didn’t want to see them come to blows. Drake’s powder keg of rage seemed likely to blow any second. She was beside them before she remembered moving.

  She put a hand on Drake’s arm and Declan’s. “Relax, Drake. Declan’s just worried about you.”

  Declan put his hand on her shoulder, but before he said anything, Drake planted his hand on Declan’s chest and pushed him back a step. Declan’s hand fell back to his side. “Don’t fucking touch her.”

  Declan’s eyes went wide with surprise and fear, but oddly enough he smiled and held his hands out wide. “Got it.”

  Drake glared daggers at Declan.

  Trinity pleaded from the table. “Come on, you guys. Stop this.”

  Adria put her hand on Drake’s rock-hard bicep. “Let it go.”

  He looked down at her, then back at his brother. And just like that, he backed off, grabbed the bag of puppy kibble off the counter, and walked out without looking at anyone.

  Adria didn’t dare say anything.

  Drake intrigued her. She felt a connection to him because of the pain she recognized in him. Even if she wanted to help, to be there for him, Drake didn’t want her interfering in his life.

  He wasn’t ready to put the past behind him.

  He wasn’t ready to be with anyone.

  As for her, she didn’t know if she could ever be with any man, especially someone as broken as Drake, without her past ruining it.

  Chapter Nine

  “I cannot believe my brothers.” Trinity planted her hands on her hips and hung her head, her voice echoing off the brick walls of the large, empty commercial building. “I am so embarrassed. They act like they’re five sometimes.”

  Adria thought of how she and her sisters got into it when they were teens, fighting over makeup and bathroom time. “It’s okay. Drake is in protection mode 24-7.” Though Declan had only given her a friendly pat, she appreciated that after what Drake did to her, he thought maybe she didn’t want to be touched without her consent.

  “He’s stuck in smoldering rage mode.”

  Adria agreed and disagreed with that. “He pushes you guys away because he’s trying to protect you from himself. He can’t deal with his emotions. He’s aggressive. But do you really think he’d hurt one of you?”

  Trinity frowned. “Not intentionally. But he reacts to things he perceives as a threat, even when they’re not. Instinct. Some kind of protection thing, like you said. He’s never done anything on purpose.”

  That had been Adria’s experience with Drake in the cabin. “He can’t deal with you guys wanting him to flip a switch and be better. So he avoids you so he doesn’t disappoint you and protects you from his wild mood swings.”

  Trinity’s forehead crinkled as she thought about it. “The doctor did say it would take a lot of patience and understanding and that he’d initially push us away because we remind him of what life used to be like. But it’s been months and nothing has changed. In fact, he’s gotten worse. This morning was the first time I saw before-the-war Drake. He didn’t even flinch when you touched him. He didn’t yell at you when you stepped in to help Declan.”

  “I’m nobody to him. I don’t know before-the-war Drake. I don’t expect him to act or be like someone he doesn’t know anymore.” She wrapped her arm around Trinity’s shoulder and hugged her to her side. “He still loves you. He’s trying to learn to love himself again.”

  Trinity softened her voice. “Do you know that because of what happened to you?”

  “Yes. We both faced the possibility we wouldn’t survive, but what Drake went through is different than my experience. He looked death in the face. People he fought beside, was friends with, loved even, died by his side, Trinity. Right in front of him. He couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t protect them. He couldn’t keep them safe. So he tries to do that for you and your brothers.”

  “We’re all fine. We just want him to find some peace.”

  “How can he when he relives what happened over and over again in his mind? One thing I’ve learned from my experience—he has to accept that he can’t change it. Living and being happy doesn’t mean that he’s taking what those who didn’t make it should have had. In fact, it honors their sacrifice. Until Drake realizes that, he’s stuck.”

  Trinity tipped her head to Adria’s. “How do I unstick him?”

  “Love him. Listen to him. Try to understand that even his silence and outbursts are an expression of the enormous pain inside him.”

  “It probably doesn’t help that Melanie dumped him.”

  “Probably not.” She probably shouldn’t ask—none of her business—but she did anyway. “Why did she break up with him? She couldn’t deal with the PTSD?”

  “To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what happened. They spoke all the time. Texted. Sent pictures to each other. She hung on through both deployments. I thought they’d make it through anything. But he got shot a month into his second deployment. Through his thigh. Nothing major hit. He came home for a couple weeks to recover before he went back to base and shipped out again. I’d never heard them argue. They argued a lot the last few days he was home.”

  “She didn’t want him to go back.” Adria would have felt the same way about someone she loved after they’d already been hurt.

  “The reality of being with him hit her hard. It hit al
l of us, seeing him bandaged up and on crutches, knowing that if he went back it meant people would be shooting at him again.”

  That was the job.

  It took guts and courage for Drake to go back and face it again.

  “The few phone calls we got during the rest of the deployment were off. We could tell from what little he said that things over there were getting more dangerous. The enemy was more brazen. And he hinted that things with him and Melanie were strained. He asked all of us to check on her from time to time. Which we did. She asked us to talk Drake out of signing up for another tour. She knew we worried and wanted him home.”

  Adria guessed what happened next. “Then Drake got hurt and his tour was over and they’re sending him home permanently.”

  “Melanie seemed happy.” Trinity lost herself in thought. “Drake hated that he couldn’t go back. He had this need to return and do his job. We all found it outrageous, given what he’d been through.”

  “He needed to save his buddies who were still over there.” Her heart ached for him so much she wanted to find him and give him a hug—and hope that simple gesture eased some of the pain.

  Trinity pressed her hand to her chest. “Oh man, that makes sense. We just called him crazy and told him how lucky he was to be home.” Trinity sighed. “Which probably made him feel worse because his friends were still there putting their lives on the line or didn’t make it back at all.”

  Adria put her hand on Trinity’s shoulder. “Keep trying to put yourself in his place, understand where he’s coming from. You’ll get him to come around more and more.”

  “I hope so. I’m going to try harder. You really helped me see that we were trying to help but going about it the wrong way.” Trinity faced her. “The first few days Drake was home, we expected Melanie to stay with him. She had in the past. None of us thought it was a big deal. But she’d come by after work, stay a couple of hours, then leave. I didn’t want to say anything or ask Drake about it, but it felt odd. They didn’t seem connected anymore. Melanie could barely look at him. She’d pat his arm or knee and say that everything would be okay, but she didn’t hold him. He had to peel me off him when I first saw him. I wanted to hug him and never let him go.”

  “He was injured—maybe she was afraid of hurting him or expecting too much when he needed time to heal?”

  Trinity shook her head through all those words. “It was more like she’d already distanced herself from him. We tried to draw him out. She let him be quiet and alone. He wasn’t supposed to drive, but one night he said he needed to see her and took the truck. He came back less than two hours later in a rage. He trashed his room, punched holes in the walls, and just went crazy. Declan and Tate finally went in and stopped him. We were afraid he’d hurt himself more. He never said Melanie’s name again. We didn’t ask what happened. Two months, maybe more, went by without the two of them seeing each other or talking. Then all of a sudden she showed up the day you came to stay with us and gave him back his ring.”

  “That had to be a hard day.” And she got why he’d lost his shit that night in her room.

  “He didn’t try to change her mind. He just looked resigned to the fact it was over and he’d be alone forever.” The pain and sadness in Trinity’s eyes made Adria’s heart ache for her and Drake. “After all he’d been through she left him when he needed her most.”

  “Not everyone is equipped to deal with trauma.” She had two failed relationships to prove it.

  “But she said she loved him.”

  “People say things they think they mean all the time.” Her exes swore they understood that intimacy was difficult for her. They didn’t. Not when frustration set in and she couldn’t be what they wanted her to be. “Whatever happened between them, love wasn’t enough. Or simply wasn’t there. Maybe it wasn’t her, but Drake. Maybe he pushed her away one too many times and so she left him alone like he demanded.”

  “You can see he doesn’t mean that. Why couldn’t she?”

  “We could speculate for hours, but only they know what really happened. Maybe it was for the best. You never know . . . they could get back together.”

  “I hope not.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Because I want him to be happy with someone who isn’t just there for the good times. He needs someone who will protect him, even if it’s from himself. If she loved him, how could she leave him, or let him leave her when he needed her so badly?”

  Adria didn’t have an answer. She pulled Trinity into another hug and held her close. “He has you,” she reminded her friend.

  “Juliana has you to stand by her.”

  And yet Juliana had pushed her away time and time again.

  And just like Drake, her sister needed to fix her problems. And Adria had to accept she couldn’t change Juliana. Or Drake.

  “You never give up.” Trinity held her at arm’s length. “You won’t let her fall without being there to catch her.”

  “I can’t stand for her to be away from me, but I know she’s where she needs to be, getting the help she needs.” But Adria’s heart still ached.

  Trinity rubbed her hands up and down Adria’s arms. “And we are in this dismal and dreary building talking about our problems instead of celebrating. This is our place!” Trinity jumped up and down on her toes.

  Adria couldn’t hide her smile as she glanced around the wide, empty room. “It needs a lot of work, but it’s ours. Or at least it will be when the Realtor finalizes the transaction.”

  They’d looked at six commercial spaces but this one had everything they needed. It was downtown on a busy main street, had lots of parking in the back, and they could move in right away and start the repairs and renovation to make it their space.

  “We’re in business!” Trinity beamed with happiness.

  “Almost.” Adria wished Juliana was here to share this moment. They’d shared everything else in their lives. It kind of felt wrong to do this without her input and being here.

  But they were getting older and would inevitably have lives that took them away from each other. She just didn’t see it happening this way.

  She hoped Juliana was getting better, that soon they’d be together and Juliana would want to be a part of the new shop and Adria’s life again.

  Like Drake, Juliana was angry and dealing with some things she couldn’t accept and put in her rearview.

  Adria hadn’t given up. Not by a long shot. She never would. But Juliana saw the rehab as a punishment and a betrayal by Adria.

  She hoped with a clear head and open heart, Juliana would forgive, and they could go back to being sisters and loving each other.

  Maybe Drake hoped the same thing would happen between him and Melanie.

  The thought made her feel like she’d miss him if that happened.

  Chapter Ten

  Drake thought he might explode. He hadn’t seen Adria in three days.

  Correction. He’d stayed the hell away from her.

  For good reason.

  Somehow when Adria showed up, she looked through a crack in his fortress walls, and something changed.

  He didn’t like it.

  He didn’t know what to do with it.

  “This only works if you actually talk to me.” Dr. Porter had said that at least ten times during the last twenty minutes of their video chat. His concerned face stared at Drake from the laptop on the coffee table. The veteran and PTSD specialist’s office was too far away to do these appointments in person, but Dr. Porter had the military experience and education to handle and understand someone with Drake’s mental health issues.

  Drake crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the man who refused to give up helping him, despite how many times Drake told him he couldn’t be helped.

  “Come on, Drake. Something is going on with you.”

  That got his attention. “Why do you say that?”

  “You’re not calling me from the usual place. You’re emotional, not apathetic. Yo
u look like you’re facing a firing squad instead of your usual indifference to our calls.”

  Drake opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He couldn’t confess what he’d done to Adria. He’d scared her.

  What the hell was wrong with him?

  Someone like her—smart, strong, confident, so aware of others around her—yet she had no idea how on the edge he felt. Or maybe she did. “She pities me.” It had to be that, because he couldn’t let himself believe she actually liked him. He didn’t like himself. At all. Especially after what he’d put her through.

  “Is it Melanie who pities you?”

  Shit. He didn’t mean to speak out loud.

  But something compelled him to answer, because he didn’t want the doc thinking he was pining away for a woman who turned her back on him without even a fight. Nope, she’d wanted him to be something he wasn’t anymore and finally said, “I’m out.”

  “Screw Melanie. She wanted a nice, safe, normal life. I’m not nice. It’s not safe to be around me. And I’ll never be normal again.”

  “Why isn’t it safe to be around you?”

  Adria walked into the cabin—finally!—and slammed the door, then stopped short when she spotted him. “Uh, sorry. I’ll come back later if you want to be alone.”

  “Come here.” He didn’t mean to bark the order, but if he was going to do this, it needed to be done now. He may not be able to confess what he’d done, but Adria deserved to hold him accountable. This was the only way he could think of to allow her to do that. Dr. Porter would hear about what he’d done and his fate and punishment would be decided.

  She approached the back of the leather sofa and stared over his shoulder. “Hey, if you’re in the middle of a call or something, I’ll leave.”

  He grabbed her hand, cutting off whatever she was about to say, and pulled her around the couch and down to sit beside him. “Tell him about this.” He picked up the nightgown he’d torn and showed it to Dr. Porter.

  She turned to him. “Did you pull that out of the trash?”