Picture of Innocence

by T J Stimson

  Emily abruptly flipped towards her, and Maddie realised with a slight shock she hadn’t been crying at all. Her daughter’s face was red with anger. ‘I’m nine! I’ve been your daughter for nine whole years! Noah was just a baby! How can you love us both the same?’

  She was utterly taken aback. ‘Emily, it doesn’t work like that,’ she said in bemusement. ‘Love stretches and stretches. When a new baby comes along, that doesn’t take away any of the love for the children you already have. It just gets bigger. I love you more now you’re a big sister, not less.’

  ‘You weren’t supposed to be this sad!’ Emily burst out.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Her daughter fiddled with the ears of her favourite stuffed blue cat. ‘For ages and ages we didn’t have Noah and you weren’t sad.’ She hugged the cat against her chest and buried her face in its turquoise plush fur. ‘I thought if he wasn’t here, everything would just go back to the way it was before he came,’ she said, her voice indistinct. ‘I thought it would be better.’

  ‘Emily, you’re not making any sense,’ Maddie said uneasily.

  ‘You weren’t sad like this when Grendel died!’

  ‘Grendel was a hamster.’

  ‘But we had him for two years,’ her daughter cried. ‘We only had Noah for, like, two months! I played with Grendel every day, he was my friend. I taught him to climb up the ladders to get his carrots and everything. Noah couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t even roll over!’

  Maddie stared at Emily’s pretty face, contorted with spite and fury. She’d had no idea her daughter was jealous and resentful of her brothers. How could she have missed it? She and Lucas had talked about how to handle the issue of sibling rivalry before Jacob was born, they’d read all the books and done everything they could to reassure Emily she wasn’t being displaced. They’d repainted her room the way she wanted, played up the idea of her as the Big Sister, and both Jacob and Noah had arrived home from the hospital laden with ‘gifts’ for her. But clearly somewhere along the line, they’d dropped the ball.

  ‘I’ve loved you from the minute I knew you were in my tummy,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t matter how old you are. It’s not a competition, Emily. Are you listening to me? There’s enough love to go round.’

  ‘You weren’t supposed to be this sad,’ Emily repeated, her gaze on the blue cat in her lap.

  ‘Why do you keep saying that?’ Maddie demanded.

  ‘I didn’t want any more brothers or sisters,’ Emily said. ‘I told you and told you, but you didn’t listen!’

  A pit yawned at Maddie’s feet. ‘Emily,’ she whispered, her throat constricted with fear. ‘What did you do?’

  The blue eyes that met hers were guileless. Maddie’s stomach turned over. She’d seen that expression on a child’s face before. Angelic and utterly without remorse.

  Just like Lydia.

  Chapter 44

  Friday 6.30 p.m.

  Maddie pounded on her mother’s back door. She knew Sarah was there; Lucas had spoken to her half an hour earlier. By some perverse miracle, the press hadn’t found her, and she’d stayed quietly at home as the storm had broken over Maddie’s head. But then her mother was good at hiding. After all, she’d had more than thirty years of practice.

  A light in the kitchen went on. Sarah stood by the back door, her expression unreadable as she stared at her daughter. Maddie rapped on the glass again.

  Finally her mother opened the door, then wrapped her cardigan around herself and turned on her heel without a word. Maddie followed her into her small sitting room, hovering awkwardly in the doorway as her mother seated herself in her usual armchair and reached for a glass of what looked like whisky on the side table next to her. Maddie couldn’t ever remember seeing her mother drink before.

  ‘I need to talk to you about Emily,’ Maddie burst out.

  ‘Sit down, Maddie,’ Sarah said wearily.

  Something in her mother’s tone alerted her. Ever since Noah’s death, her mother had gone out of her way to spend time with Emily, offering to look after her, to give her some alone time away from Jacob. The two of them were so alike, so secretive and self-contained—

  The realisation hit her like a punch in the stomach. She knew. Of course her mother knew. She’d recognised herself in her granddaughter.

  ‘How long?’ she whispered faintly. ‘How long have you known?’

  Sarah put the glass back on the table but didn’t release it.

  ‘How long have you known?’ Maddie shouted.

  ‘Since the business with the Calpol,’ Sarah said finally. ‘I didn’t know, but I suspected then.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Maddie yelled. ‘She just tried to drown Jacob in the bath! I caught her, red-handed! Why didn’t you warn me?’

  Sarah closed her eyes briefly in dismay, but she didn’t look surprised. It was as if she’d been expecting something like this to happen. ‘Would you have listened to me?’ she asked.

  Maddie was brought up short. Of course she wouldn’t have listened. It sounded insane, even now. Less than an hour ago, she’d sat there as her sweet-natured, pretty nine-year-old daughter had explained how she’d deliberately shaken her baby brother until his brain had swelled inside his skull because she didn’t like his crying. Maddie still couldn’t believe it. If her mother had come to her with a horror story like this, she’d have slammed the door in her face.

  She sank despairingly onto the sofa and buried her face in her hands.

  ‘Lucas said you went to Manchester,’ Sarah said abruptly. ‘You found Frank.’

  Maddie looked up. For a second, she was confused. She’d almost forgotten about Frank and Manchester. What her mother had done forty years ago suddenly seemed unimportant. The only thing that mattered was what her daughter had done in the here and now.

  ‘You know what kind of childhood I had,’ her mother said bleakly. ‘My grandfather raped his own sister when she was twelve. She got pregnant with Mae. And then later, when she was old enough, he raped Mae too. Mae told me herself, she said if she could survive something like that, then I could too. I had it easy, she said. She never made me go with old men, or family. I should be grateful.’ Abruptly, she raised her glass of whisky and drained it. ‘I thought I could break the cycle with you, Maddie. You turned out well, you married a good man. You had three beautiful children. I was stupid enough to think I could put the past behind me. But I was wrong. I passed the bad seed on after all. Not to you, but to Emily.’

  Maddie recoiled. ‘Don’t say that.’

  ‘You said I didn’t deserve a baby, and you were right. I didn’t deserve to be happy.’ She looked at Maddie, her eyes haunted. ‘Your father threw me a lifeline after Davy died. Babies were never part of the deal. But when it happened, when I found out I was pregnant, how could I kill you, too?’ She shook her head. ‘How would taking another innocent life have made things right?’

  ‘You did your best,’ Maddie said, getting the words out with difficulty.

  ‘It wasn’t enough, though, was it? I thought if I was a good mother, if I did everything right, the wickedness would end with me. But there’s an evil in our blood. No matter what we do, it’s not enough.’

  Maddie shivered. ‘Stop it. That’s just superstition. Evil isn’t hereditary. You said it yourself.’

  ‘Isn’t it?’ Sarah said bitterly. ‘What other explanation is there? Emily’s got no reason to hurt her brothers. You’ve given her everything. A beautiful home, two parents who love her, everything she could possibly want. You’ve shown her nothing but love, you and Lucas. But it didn’t make any difference, did it? She ended up just like me.’

  Maddie had thought losing Noah had been the worst thing that could happen. But this? This was on another level entirely. How could you love someone and hate them this much at the same time? Emily had killed her baby. Her sweet, innocent Noah. But she was still Emily. Her need to protect and defend her daughter burned stronger than hate.

  ‘Wher
e’s Emily now?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘At home with Lucas. I couldn’t tell him.’ She suddenly started to sob. ‘I brought Jacob with me – he’s asleep in the car. I couldn’t risk Lucas leaving him alone with Emily.’ She covered her face with her hands. ‘Oh, God. What am I going to do? How can this even be happening?’

  ‘You have to protect Jacob.’ Sarah reached out and gripped Maddie’s hand so hard it hurt. ‘Emily did this just because she could. Mae and me, we had our reasons. We hurt others because we were hurt ourselves. But Emily did it without remorse or regret. That makes her so much more dangerous, don’t you see?’

  Maddie pulled away. ‘What am I supposed to do? I can’t tell the police! They’ll send her to prison!’

  ‘You have to keep Jacob safe!’

  ‘And then what?’ she demanded angrily. ‘What about when she’s grown up? What if she has a child, like you? A granddaughter like Emily? Then what do we do?’

  Sarah stared at her. Maddie felt a weary sense of resignation. There was no point looking to her mother for answers. She was the one who had to decide. She needed to protect Jacob, but she had to save Emily, too. If she went to the police, her daughter would be sent away, given therapy and treatment, and eventually released, as Sarah had been. Even if she never put a foot wrong again, she would spend a lifetime looking over her shoulder and doing penance, just like her grandmother. And what about her children? And their children? What was to prevent evil cascading down the generations, as it had for so many generations before?

  ‘You never should have had me,’ Maddie said, getting to her feet. Her body was stiff and ached in a way that had nothing to do with her broken ribs. ‘You knew what you came from. You shouldn’t have taken the risk. You should have got rid of me before I was born.’

  ‘That’s an easy thing to say, but I’m your mother, Maddie. I loved you from the first moment I knew you existed.’ She caught her daughter’s arm. ‘You know what it’s like to love a child. Could you have got rid of Emily, even knowing what she would do?’

  Maddie gently freed herself. ‘You forget,’ she said coolly. ‘I’m Noah and Jacob’s mother too.’

  Chapter 45

  The present

  Maddie slipped into Emily’s bedroom and closed the door gently behind her, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She could see her daughter’s strawberry-blonde hair spilling across her pillow and the gentle rise and fall of her chest beneath the duvet. Emily had always been a tidy sleeper, tucked neatly beneath the covers, no sprawling limbs or tangled bedsheets. Even in repose, she was controlled and composed. Maddie had always admired that about her, but now she found it chilling.

  She stared down at her daughter. She couldn’t ever remember Emily losing her temper, even when she was a toddler going through the ‘terrible twos’. She hadn’t killed Noah by accident. By her own admission, she’d known exactly what she was doing when she’d picked up her brother and shaken him. When Jacob was born, Maddie had warned her you had to be careful with babies, you could never shake them or drop them, you had to support their necks and never, ever hit them. She’d even heard Emily telling Jacob as much, when Noah arrived.

  Her daughter’s logic had been chilling, but perfectly reasoned. Noah had only been part of their lives for a few weeks. How could he possibly be missed? Once he was gone, things could go back to the way they’d been before.

  She hadn’t allowed for the grief her parents would feel, because she was nine years old. How could she have known? Despite everything, she was still a child. She had no real comprehension of bereavement. She’d been genuinely taken aback by the scale of their loss, by the police investigation and everything that had followed. You weren’t supposed to be this sad.

  But she’d known the consequences when she’d tried to drown Jacob. No excuses then. She’d been fully aware of the grief she’d cause, she’d seen it first-hand, and she hadn’t cared. It was her daughter’s utter indifference that Maddie found so terrifying.

  She had no doubt now who’d given Jacob the overdose of Calpol. The open gate that had let him wander into the road – that must have been Emily, too. Her daughter had been the one playing with Jacob when he’d ‘fallen’ climbing the bookcase last year and broken his arm; she’d been with him when he’d shut his hand in the door, too. Knowing what she knew now, Maddie doubted either incident was an accident. Emily was just biding her time, waiting for the right opportunity. Sooner or later, if Maddie dropped her guard for a second, she’d try again.

  She crouched beside the bed and gently stroked her daughter’s forehead, her vision blurring with tears. Emily was a psychopath in the truest sense of the word. She felt no guilt, no remorse for what she’d done. She was utterly lacking in either conscience or empathy. Lydia had lashed out in pain and rage, hurt and hurting, her violence stemming from the damage that had been done to her. She’d been rehabilitated, because once her pain had healed, so had she. But Emily had killed Noah simply because it suited her, and she’d do the same to Jacob if she got the chance.

  During her online trawl for information about Lydia, she’d read you couldn’t cure a psychopath. They didn’t learn from either mistakes or punishments. They had no fear and no remorse, so retribution was lost on them. There was no medication to treat them, because they weren’t sick. You couldn’t teach them empathy and emotion because their brains weren’t wired to feel them, any more than a typewriter was wired to cook pizza. Emily couldn’t change. It wasn’t her fault. It was just the way she was born. A genetic short straw, passed from Sarah to Emily through Maddie herself.

  How was Maddie supposed to keep Jacob safe, without condemning Emily to a miserable half-life? She couldn’t let them lock her daughter away. Emily wouldn’t even understand why she was being punished. They’d pump her full of drugs and turn her into a zombie. If they ever let her out, she’d live her life in fear of discovery, as Sarah had done. And supposing she had a child? There was no guarantee she’d be allowed to keep it, and if she did, that might be worse. If she could kill her own brother, what might she do to a baby who got in her way?

  Emily sighed in her sleep and turned over. Maddie’s tears fell hot and fast on her hands. Despite everything her daughter had done, she loved her more than life itself. Enough to do what was best for her, no matter the cost to herself.

  She picked up a pillow that had fallen to the floor and turned back to the bed.

  Six months later

  Chapter 46

  Saturday 11.00 a.m.

  Maddie spread the tartan blanket on the sand, shading her eyes and smiling as Jacob ran excitedly towards the sea. It was unseasonably warm for early October and she leaned back on her hands and tilted her face to the sun, relishing its warmth on her skin. Not quite bikini weather, but there was no need for the cardigan she’d brought either, and she was beginning to wish she’d opted for shorts instead of jeans.

  ‘This break was a good idea,’ Lucas said, as he sat down beside her. ‘Can’t beat this weather.’

  ‘After the wet summer we’ve had, we deserve a bit of sunshine.’ She rolled her jeans up to her knees, digging her toes pleasurably into the sand. ‘Devon is so beautiful this time of year. I love it when there are no bloody tourists.’

  He laughed. ‘Tourists like us, you mean?’

  She ducked playfully as he tried to kiss her. ‘I think your son wants some help with his sandcastle.’

  ‘He’s the son of an architect. He’ll figure it out for himself.’

  This time, she didn’t avoid his kiss. Her mouth opened beneath his and she tilted her hips towards him as he fit his body against hers on the tartan blanket. He only had to touch her for her to want him.

  Jacob ran back across the sand towards them. ‘Daddy! Help me bucket!’

  ‘Looks like you’re needed,’ Maddie grinned, giving him a little shove.

  Lucas scooped their son up and swung him around in a wide arc, giggles trailing from the little boy like bubbles. Now that it was jus
t the three of them, Jacob had come out of his shell and she was surprised daily by her funny, feisty little boy. Before, it’d been easy for him to get slightly lost in the shuffle, the middle child, a sniffly toddler overshadowed by his pretty older sister and the cute baby who’d replaced him. Now, with all his parents’ attention to himself, he had finally come into his own.

  Maddie watched Lucas as he crouched next to his son, helping him fill his yellow bucket with sand. Jacob patted it with his orange plastic spade, and together the two of them carefully upended it. The little boy clapped his hands delightedly, then abruptly smacked them down on top of the sandcastle, pealing with laughter. ‘Again! Again!’

  It was good to see her husband relax at last. He’d been working flat out for months. The dreadful floods along the Thames this summer had had an unexpectedly silver lining: Lucas had been commissioned to elevate several prime riverside properties above flood level and his innovative designs had sparked more work than his firm was able to handle. He’d been offered partnership without the usual buy-in, and this year’s profit share had already put a significant dent in the sanctuary’s debt. Maddie had protested over taking the money at first, but Lucas had been insistent, and she hadn’t been in a position to refuse twice.

  And Candace had done as she’d promised and repaid the second mortgage on their house in full. She’d joined AA and had just earned her green chip for six months’ sobriety. There was even a man hovering in the wings, though Candace refused to put her recovery at risk by dating before she’d reached the twelve-month mark. Maddie still found it hard to be around her sister-in-law, but she was working on it. After all, she was hardly in a position to cast stones.

  She’d agonised long and hard whether to tell Lucas about Emily. She’d known he might go to the police; at the very least, there was a strong likelihood he’d leave her. But they’d promised each other no more secrets. If their marriage was to have any future, she’d have to be honest.