Scuba Dancing

by Nicola Slade

  The doctor followed her meekly back into the dining hall, looking round with open curiosity.

  ‘This is so nice,’ she said with approving envy. ‘I’m looking for a house just like this, I suppose you aren’t thinking of selling?’

  Rosemary shook her head wordlessly then knocked and opened Margot’s door. She stood back to let the doctor go in and was surprised when the younger woman halted abruptly on the threshold with an exclamation of horror.

  ‘What is it?’ Rosemary peered round the doctor’s shoulder and shuddered.

  Margot, stark naked, was standing at her open window, waving to an astonished tractor driver in the field behind the house. There was an ominous smell coming from the huddle of bedclothes and a second, unconnected, smell emanating from the curtain.

  The doctor was momentarily glued to the spot, appalled, as Rosemary snuffed the air, ignoring the smell from the bed; nothing new about that, it was the other that set off alarm bells in her head.

  ‘Oh my God, Julia, come up here quickly, she’s set fire to the curtains!’

  Rosemary pushed her mother out of the way and tore down the smouldering curtain, stamping out the tiny flickering flames.

  The doctor snapped out of her trance and grabbed a dressing gown from the hook behind the door and wrapped it round the old woman while Rosemary stamped again on a tongue of flame snaking from the curtain towards her across the floor. She was vaguely aware that Julia and the doctor had managed to get Margot into a chair, where she flopped like a doll, all the fight gone out of her. The doctor was talking urgently into her mobile and Julia was briskly stripping the stinking bed and heading for the utility room.

  The doctor flipped off her mobile and turned to Rosemary.

  ‘I’ve called an ambulance,’ she said crisply. ‘And this time she’s getting into it. Your mother needs the kind of supervision you can’t possibly provide, so please don’t feel guilty. She can go to the geriatric ward of Ramalley Hospital for now while I look into long-term care.’

  Dazed, Rosemary obediently packed a bag for Margot, not forgetting the precious cosmetics. As they waited for the ambulance she sounded out the doctor about this ominous-sounding “long-term care”.

  ‘I can’t afford a decent private nursing home for her,’ she said abruptly. ‘I’m retired myself and Margot only has the basic pension. I can’t bear the thought of her in one of those homes you read about …’

  ‘Don’t think about it just now.’ The doctor was coolly kind. ‘Anyway, Ramalley is usually good about geriatric care, so don’t worry. Ah, here’s the ambulance, do you want to go in with her?’

  ‘I’ll take Rosemary in my car.’ Julia had set the washing machine going and rejoined them. ‘Here we are, Margot, all set for a ride with some nice young men, sweetheart?’

  Rosemary caught her breath in a half sob but Julia shook her head and picked up Rosemary’s handbag. Together they followed as the ambulance man wheeled Margot down the path and helped her into the back of the vehicle. Margot nodded gaily to the driver who was helping and as he went to shut the door, they heard his patient speaking chattily to his colleague in that carrying, impeccably cut-glass voice.

  ‘I think we’ve just got time for a quickie, haven’t we, my dear? Come along, trousers down and let’s take a look at your tackle.’

  Rigid with shock for a moment the driver caught Rosemary’s eye and burst out laughing as he got the door closed at last. She bit her lip and pinched Julia’s arm so that the inevitable gaggle of curious neighbours should be spared the sight of a sniggering daughter shipping her aged mother off to the workhouse.

  ‘You okay?’ Julia backed out on to the road and headed for the general hospital.

  Rosemary considered for a moment. ‘Surprisingly, yes I am,’ she answered. ‘I feel a bit of a zombie, but otherwise I’m fine.’

  Julia nodded sagely. ‘Relief, I guess, and sharing the load, it takes people that way. If nothing else comes of this at least you’ll be getting some proper help with her. I’m all in favour of family pride and stiff upper lips – in their place – but you do tend to take it to extremes.’

  At the hospital they found Margot looking subdued as she was tucked kindly and firmly into bed. She cocked an eye at her daughter but held her tongue, so Julia volunteered to sit with her while Rosemary allowed herself to be towed away for a spot of form-filling.

  ‘Let’s see, name, date of birth, et cetera, et cetera.’ The ward clerk worked rapidly down the form. ‘Anything we should know about Mrs Delaney? Likes, dislikes? Any little foibles?’

  Rosemary gave her a blank stare.

  ‘It all helps, dear,’ explained the woman kindly. ‘We do try to make the patients as comfortable as it’s humanly possible.’

  ‘I’m sure you do,’ Rosemary pulled herself together. ‘It’s just … let me think. Foibles? How much space is there on the form? Well, Margot likes to have her make-up handy; she’ll want to tart herself up when there’s a doctor around – a male doctor, that is. And I suppose I ought to warn you she likes to take all her clothes off.’

  She warmed to her theme.

  ‘She’s sex mad and she’s convinced she’s absolutely irresistible to any man, so you should warn any male nurses not to get too close or she’ll have a grope.’ She knitted her brow as she recalled a recent incident with a young assistant in Waitrose. ‘Oh yes, just lately, if I tell her to do something she doesn’t want to, or if I tell her off, she’ll just stand there and pee – and she can get quite vicious, too. I think that’s about all.’

  To her surprise the other woman gave her a warm smile of sympathy.

  ‘I can see you’ve been having quite a time of it,’ she commented kindly. ‘Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll warn any man who comes into her orbit to wear a cricket box and as for widdling out of spite, I think that must be universal at both ends of the spectrum, I know my two-year old grandson does it and so do half the old ladies in here. It’s almost a pity this isn’t a mixed ward, we get lots of sex mad old men over the other side of the building, it’d cheer them up no end to find a willing volunteer.’

  She handed Rosemary a box of tissues and patted the suddenly heaving shoulders.

  ‘That’s it,’ she soothed. ‘Let it all out and don’t worry about her. There’s nothing you can tell anybody on this ward about bloody-minded old biddies, we’ve seen it all before, and worse.’

  Back at Margot’s bedside Rosemary summoned up a ghost of a smile as she nodded to Julia. Margot seemed, at first glance, to be dead, her skin greyish under the garish mask of make-up, but as Julia rose to go and Rosemary bent towards her mother, a wary grey eye opened.

  ‘Rosemary?’

  The voice was a wisp of sound but all the marbles were firmly back in place.

  ‘What is it, Margot?’ Rosemary bent closer and Margot reached out a trembling finger to touch her wrist.

  ‘The field, you promised.’

  Rosemary’s face twisted. ‘I promise, Mother, I’ll make sure it’s just as you want.’

  As she drove out of the hospital gates Julia remembered this conversation.

  ‘What did she mean about the field?’

  To Julia’s surprise, Rosemary smiled faintly. ‘Didn’t I tell you about that?’ She waited as Julia negotiated the tricky corner in Bell Street then, as the car headed for the bridge out of town, she explained.

  ‘Margot made me promise that: a) I won’t let them resuscitate her if it comes to it; she put it in writing and got it witnessed at the day centre; and b) she doesn’t want to be buried in the cemetery or cremated. She wants me to get Phil Owens to bury her in his field, the one behind our house, at the top end under the big oak tree.’

  ‘Oh, bless her, the daft old soul!’ Julia joined in Rosemary’s slightly wild laughter. ‘What did you say? You’ll do as she wants?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Rosemary simply. ‘I asked Phil and he says it’s fine with him, that corner of the field is never put under the plough. He jus
t insisted that I get the paperwork sorted out properly.’

  ****

  Instead of going straight home Julia drove into the pub car park.

  ‘Come on, sweetheart, you need a stiff drink after that lot, I know I do.’ She led the faintly protesting Rosemary into the lounge bar, empty today even of Delia’s custom. ‘Here, drink this down and let’s toast your mum. Here’s to Margot and may she go out when, and how, she would like best.’

  They raised their glasses in the ceremonious toast and eventually Rosemary began to relax.

  ‘Well, it certainly put a stop to my romantic evening on Saturday,’ she said ruefully. ‘I sent Hugh home early on, it was plain Margot was going to take up all my attention and besides, he was shocked at her offer.’ She looked curiously at Julia. ‘So? You and Jamie, eh? Charlie and Finn, too?’ As Julia nodded Rosemary smiled and sighed. ‘Lucky old you,’ she said enviously.

  To deflect her brooding attention Julia described the success of the antiques fair and informed her that Delia would be gunning for her soon.

  ‘I think she’s got you down for enough green salad to feed forty,’ she explained. ‘And baguettes and butter to go with it. I wonder what she’ll dish up in the way of entertainment. I’ve no idea who I’m going to invite or what will be on offer.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Rosemary roused herself to take an interest. ‘Guy Muncaster was pretty famous in his field, wasn’t he? If she’s planning to set out his books and so forth, I suppose she could also have his series running, I think it’s out on DVD. That might be interesting to some people.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Julia was just downing the last of her gin and tonic when a familiar voice rang in her ear.

  ‘Julia, just the girl I wanted to see. I heard about Margot, Rosemary. You’ll feel better for a little breathing space.’

  ‘What Machiavellian scheme do you have in mind for me now, Delia?’ Julia asked with mild resignation. ‘Come and sit with us. Pull up a gin and unburden yourself.’

  ‘My little entertainment on Saturday,’ Delia said, finishing her first glass and turning to the second waiting on the little tray in front of her. ‘Oh, by the way, before I forget, I had a visitation from Mrs Parsons just now. She told me she knows what we’re up to.’ She let the outcry from the other two die down. ‘As far as I can make out she’s been eavesdropping on Bobbie and Ursula, by the simple means of sitting behind them on the bus. She said she’d go to the police if I didn’t give her what she wanted.’

  ‘What does she want?’ Julia was round-eyed and Delia laughed scornfully.

  ‘She wants to be invited to my little party. I said that was fine and she was quite welcome as long as she paid up ten pounds like all the rest. As for her threats, I told her the police would think she was gaga and put her in a home. She caved in surprisingly quickly – must be losing her touch. Now,’ she consulted her list. ‘I think you said part of Finn’s duties at the shop is to tell fortunes? Well, there you are.’ She ignored Julia’s exclamation. ‘Nonsense, of course she won’t mind. We can put her in the study and charge people ten pounds for ten minutes. No, better make that five minutes, then we can rake in even more money.’

  She listened impassively as Julia railed at her, protesting that her sister was not to be exploited so ruthlessly and that, in any case, Finn would never agree.

  ‘Nonsense,’ she said again. ‘I’ll speak to her today. And while we’re about it, don’t you think it’s time you got Finn and Charlie to confirm that they’ll be tagging along on our holiday? I’m sure they’ll enjoy it, but they ought to make up their minds.’

  Chapter 11

  Blissfully unaware that the iron fist of Delia Muncaster was about to descend on them Finn and Charlie ate a leisurely dinner and relaxed in front of the television that evening.

  ‘Where’s your father?’ Finn asked idly as she cuddled close to Charlie on the comfortable cream leather chesterfield in his sitting room. ‘Isn’t he moving to his new flat this week?’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ Charlie was lazily playing with her hair. ‘He’s over at Julia’s this evening. I think they were going to take Rosemary Clavering out to dinner to take advantage of her freedom, but she cried off, said she was too knackered, so Julia volunteered to cook at home.’ He bent to kiss her neck, lingering over the pulse at the base of her throat. ‘Very kind woman, your sister.’

  ‘Mmm,’ Finn nodded, shivering slightly at his touch. ‘Runs in the family. Mmm, don’t stop, that’s lovely.’

  Eventually Charlie recalled the rest of her question.

  ‘Pa’s due to complete on the flat this Friday, at twelve noon, so he wants to move in the minute he gets the keys from the estate agents. I’ve promised to knock off work when he picks them up and to give him a hand. There’s not a lot to move over there from this house; he’s had his furniture in store and that’s on schedule to arrive about half-past two on Friday. I hope nothing happens to delay the move. I might have to disappear off to Newcastle for a week or so. Might not happen,’ he said soothingly when she pouted in dismay. ‘But it’s on the cards. Big project, loadsamoney, can’t say no if they really do insist.’

  They sat in contented silence for a while then Finn roused herself as she recalled something funny.

  ‘Who’ve you asked to Delia’s housewarming, then?’

  ‘I haven’t,’ he groaned. ‘I suppose I could ask my current number one clients, the intelligent ones, at least, not the mad button pushers. Why, who are you asking?’

  ‘Hedgehog,’ she giggled. ‘I just haven’t got to know anybody else, apart from you and all Julia’s mates, so I asked him. He was thrilled to bits.’ She smiled as she pictured her eccentric employer’s excitement. ‘I said, could he bring somebody else with him so Delia doesn’t bully me, and he went a bit shy.

  ‘Well, naturally I assumed he’d got a girl he wanted to bring, probably a Charlie Dimmock sort, bucolic and buxom, so I just mumbled some encouraging words and it all came tumbling out.’

  ‘What?’ Charlie was curious enough to shift round so that he could see her face. ‘I don’t see old Hedgehog as the confessional type somehow.’

  ‘You’d be surprised,’ she teased, then relented and told him the whole story. ‘He’s not really, he just wasn’t sure if anyone would mind if he brought along his ex brother-in-law Bernard, known as Bunny for short, who’s a farmer over Andover way. I said fine, of course, but he’d better warn Bunny it was likely to be excruciatingly boring, mostly retired people, and nothing much happening. But plenty of drink, knowing Delia.’

  She giggled reminiscently and went on.

  ‘It turns out that not only is Bunny a friend of Hedge’s, especially as he loathes his sister who was Hedgehog’s wife, but he was a big fan of Guy Muncaster, loved his programmes and has all his books. Hedgehog was really chuffed at the thought of how pleased Bunny would be. “Lady Delia’s house,” he said. “He’ll be in heaven, a dream come true.” It was really rather sweet, apparently Bunny’s been a great support to Hedge over the last few years. But why he was a bit iffy about how we’d take it, is that Bunny is gay and Hedge didn’t want his feelings hurt.’

  ‘Well, blow me!’ Charlie was mildly surprised. ‘I’d never have had Hedgehog down as the sensitive sort. Hey, you don’t reckon he’s gay too? No? I wouldn’t either. If anyone asked me I’d have to say I reckon he’s too stoned most of the time to know which end is which. Just goes to show, doesn’t it? I hope you reassured him. Any other interesting news?’

  Finn was tempted to reveal Sue Merrill’s dilemma but decided against it. None of my business, she told herself. She was even more tempted to tell him about the mystery woman at the antiques fair, and even more certain she should hold her tongue.

  ****

  On Saturday night as Finn was getting ready for Delia’s party, she looked back to the previous Saturday. Only a week ago and she and Charlie were just friends; more than friends certainly – and reconciled friends at that – but not yet lovers, and l
ook at them now. Julia and Jamie too, were now firmly established in everyone’s eyes as an item and Julia had been much in evidence when Jamie took possession of his flat in the Old Parsonage.

  Rosemary Clavering was gradually unwinding as she became used to Margot’s absence, and the fraught look of strain had left her face. Finn, along with the members of the gang, had looked in on Margot at the hospital. She had taken Margot a copy of Vogue, a pair of lacy knickers and a Dior lipstick in a shocking shade of scarlet.

  Rosemary had thanked Finn with moist eyes.

  ‘You’re so thoughtful,’ she told her. ‘It’s been just terribly kind of the others to go and see her, but apart from Delia who smuggled in some Drambuie, and Julia, who took her some Chanel No.5, the others have tended to give her grapes and hankies and lavender bath salts, that sort of thing. You can imagine what she thinks of it, but luckily she hasn’t said anything untoward – I keep expecting an explosion of “Feck!” “Arse!” or “Drink!” But the knickers you gave her, she was absolutely thrilled and when I left she had them on and was hell-bent on showing them off to a nice young doctor who made the mistake of stopping and speaking to her.’

  Hugh Taylor seemed to be edging tentatively back into Rosemary’s good graces but Julia confided to Finn that she thought he’d been badly shaken by Margot’s generous offer and it would take time and patience to get him back in line. Julia was intensely irritated by Rosemary’s reception of Hugh’s stumbling renewed advances.

  ‘She’s a disgrace to the sisterhood,’ she proclaimed to Finn one evening. ‘She’s just so pathetically grateful for a kind word from him, it doesn’t seem to occur to her that she’s a person in her own right. I tell her people chained themselves to railings just so she could smile meekly at a man when he nods his head to her.’