The Very Thought of You

by Iris Morland

  “Isn’t carrot cake your favorite?” Ruth asked. “I thought you loved carrot cake.”

  Megan couldn’t stop the memory from welling inside her: for her eighth birthday, she’d asked Ruth to make her a carrot cake. She’d loved carrot cake. Ruth had agreed, and she’d promised that she make it for Megan’s birthday, along with having a party with friends.

  Ruth had dreamed up the greatest party—a piñata, pin the tail on the donkey, gifts galore—and Megan had barely been able to sleep, she’d been so excited for the following morning. Yet when she’d woken up, she hadn’t seen any kind of party preparations. Megan found Ruth sprawled on her bed, an empty bottle of vodka next to her, and Megan had known that there would be no party. No gifts, no friends, no piñata. No carrot cake.

  It was stupid, to feel hurt over something like that. Megan hated that Ruth could hurt her, even now. She was twenty-seven. How could she continue to cry over the fact that she didn’t have a birthday party over twenty years ago?

  “Actually, I hate carrot cake.” Megan pushed her cake aside and rose. “I’ve hated it ever since you promised to make me one on my eighth birthday but were too drunk the next morning to even get out of bed.”

  Ruth paled, her hand going to her throat. She swallowed. “Megan…” she murmured.

  Megan looked at Sara, who looked unbearably sad. “Thank you for dinner. I need to get going.”

  She kissed James goodbye before she headed out.

  As she drove home, she knew she shouldn’t have said that to Ruth. It had been a low shot, and unfair. Ruth had only been concerned about her wellbeing. Yet the little girl inside Megan rejoiced that she’d said it. Perhaps it was immature, but she refused to feel guilty about it. At least not yet. In the morning, when Sara would call her and ask why she’d said that, she’d say she was sorry.

  Megan winced. I really fucked up, didn’t I?

  She was always going to be the screw-up, wasn’t she? Arrested at seventeen, her bakery almost destroyed, and lashing out at her mother at a family dinner. The feelings of inadequacy pushed at her, almost choking her. After her arrest, she’d lost her scholarship to the University of Washington, and she’d hated Caleb for it for years. It hadn’t been fair to him, of course. But his arresting her had revealed a side of her she’d feared becoming for years: just like Ruth. Drunk, disorderly, and a failure. He’d made her confront that side of herself—and she’d blamed him for it.

  When would she ever feel like she wasn’t a failure?

  After getting home, she collapsed onto the couch. Her cat Gary jumped onto her lap, purring like a motor cage. Gary was orange and white striped with a smashed face and a propensity to drool when you scratched his cheeks. He was Megan’s best friend. Or at least the creature with whom she spent the most time lately.

  “Did I fuck up, Gare-bear?” she asked the cat. “Should I call and apologize?”

  Gary kneaded her legs. She scratched behind his ears just to hear him purr louder.

  She’d call in the morning. She’d apologize to everyone, and she’d try to make things right with Ruth. Sara had wanted Megan to work on her issues with their mother for years, but Megan had always resisted it. What did it matter? The past was the past.

  And yet, despite everything, the past always managed to bleed into the present no matter how much you tried to staunch the old wounds.

  For the strangest reason, Megan wanted to talk to Caleb. To feel his protective presence, to allow herself to lean on him. Physically, emotionally. Her emotions regarding Caleb Thornton were as tangled as a skein of knotted yarn, and sometimes she didn’t know if she resented him or wanted him more.

  Gary finally curled into a ball on her lap. Megan stroked his soft fur as the night pushed onward, not sure of anything anymore.

  4

  “Is he seriously going to stand out there all day?” Megan asked in irritation as she wiped down the counter.

  Jubilee glanced at her before smiling at the customer in front of her. Once she gave the older woman her cinnamon roll and coffee, she replied, “He’s doing his job, you know.”

  Megan made a face. If doing his job meant being a giant pain in the ass, then Caleb was doing a great job.

  She watched as he leaned against a light post, his hands in his pockets. He looked deceptively nonchalant, but she knew he was capable of moving at lightning speed if necessary. When she’d come to the bakery that morning, he’d already been outside, sitting in his car and watching over the bakery and the neighborhood overall. She didn’t really understand how this was going to help them uncover the perpetrator, but then again, if it kept her bakery safe from another robbery, she wouldn’t complain. At least not too much.

  “I heard about what happened,” the next customer said, a young woman with bouncy blonde curls who Megan didn’t recognize. “Was a ton of stuff stolen? Did you see who did it? Are you scared to be here now?”

  Megan opened her mouth to say that if she’d seen who’d done this Caleb wouldn’t have to stand watch, but Jubilee replied first. “We didn’t see who it was, no. It happened during the night.”

  The girl pouted. “That’s boring.” Her eyes widened as she looked out the window, which had since been repaired at no cost by one of Harrison’s many friends. “But how lucky you are to have Officer Thornton close by! He’s so yummy. I love a man in uniform.”

  Jubilee smiled while Megan returned to wiping down her counter. Aggressively.

  “Well, he’s my brother, so I don’t have an opinion about that,” Jubilee said brightly, “but we do appreciate how helpful the police have been. Haven’t we, Megan?”

  “Oh, yes, they’ve been great. Almost too great.”

  She saw Caleb out of the corner of her eye, and it only made her bristle. She was like a hedgehog around him, all prickles and thorns, and part of her found it rather exhausting. But then she remembered what had happened between them, and she couldn’t find it in her heart to give up her antipathy toward him. Maybe in another life things could’ve been different. Or maybe pigs really do fly, Megan thought wryly.

  The blonde girl bounced out of the bakery with her coffee. Customers steadily came in, allowing Megan to stop thinking about the police officer lurking outside. As the day wore on, she couldn’t help but wonder why he felt the need to stand outside when he could sit in his car, and if he were sweating like crazy under the hot sun. It was unnaturally warm today, especially for Fair Haven, which had fairly mild summers. The temperature edged toward ninety degrees by mid-afternoon, and Caleb didn’t move from his post.

  “Do you think he’s hot?” Megan ventured before she could rethink her question.

  Jubilee raised an eyebrow. She looked so much like Caleb in that gesture that Megan’s heart twisted. “Probably. It’s hot out today. Although Caleb likes to act like he’s some kind of superhero, though. He’d never admit he was uncomfortable.”

  Megan watched as Caleb wiped his forehead. The sun beat down, and, suddenly irritated with both herself and him, she grabbed a cup of cold lemonade and a sandwich from the case and went outside.

  “Here,” she said, handing him the lemonade and sandwich. “You look like you need it.”

  He stared at the proffered items. “Should I be worried?”

  “What, that I poisoned them? Don’t be a jerk.” She slapped the sandwich against his chest and was rather tempted to dump the lemonade on his boots, but he took the cup from her hand with a smile.

  “Thank you.” He sipped the lemonade, and she couldn’t stop herself from staring at how he swallowed. How his Adam’s apple bobbed, and how he had dark stubble on his jaw and throat.

  Her mouth went dry.

  “Well, I should get back inside.” She felt awkward now, like she didn’t know where to put her arms. At her sides? Crossed in front of her? She felt ungainly, like a newborn colt, and she hated feeling out of sorts. Caleb never failed to make her feel just like that—unsure and unbalanced.

  “Don’t go yet.” He sat down
on a bench in front of her bakery. “Jubilee’s in there, right? Have you taken a break yet today?”

  She realized she hadn’t, and her stomach rumbled in reminder that she hadn’t eaten. He smiled when he heard the sound. Her cheeks heated.

  “We were busy today. Which is good. I’m glad that the robbery hasn’t kept people away,” she babbled.

  He held out half of the sandwich, which she took after a moment’s hesitation. Biting into the roast beef and watercress sandwich, she almost moaned in relief. She’d been hungrier than she’d realized. He ate his half, and they sat in companionable silence, gazing out onto the quiet main street that held most of Fair Haven’s restaurants and shops. A tiny town north of Seattle on the Puget Sound, Fair Haven was famous for its lakes and its charm. Although Megan often found Fair Haven rather too quiet—and she’d wanted to leave its environs when she’d been younger—she found herself enjoying its peacefulness today.

  Even if that meant living in the same town as Caleb Thornton.

  “Have you guys discovered anything new?” she asked as she finished off the sandwich. “Any new leads?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing yet.” He looked at her and added wryly, “I know you don’t love me hanging around, but it’s for your protection, you know. We don’t know what this guy will do next, except that based on the robbery, there’s a decent likelihood he’ll come back.”

  Her heart clenched at his words. For your protection. She could count on one hand when she’d felt like she could rely on someone for safety growing up. Ruth had been too drunk, and although Sara had done her best, she’d only been a kid, too.

  They gazed at each other, the sun almost painfully bright, and Megan couldn’t stop the wish that if she could change the past, she would. If only to have Caleb never stop looking at her the way he was looking at her right now.

  “I know I haven’t always been the nicest,” she admitted, which caused Caleb to snort. She glared at him. “But you—and the entire force—have been great. Really. I appreciate it.” The words tripped from her tongue, like they didn’t want to be admitted, but she needed to say it. She didn’t want him to think she was some ungrateful brat, even if most of the time she wanted to kick him in the shins.

  “‘Not the nicest?’” He grinned. “How about completely terrifying?”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t push your luck.”

  “Any other guy would be trembling in his boots, you know. You could scare Captain America himself with that scowl. Yes, that one, exactly.”

  She moved to push him, but he laughed and moved out of the way, which caused her to pitch forward. He caught her, his strong fingers around her wrists, and she gazed up into his green eyes, unable to look away. His hands were warm and callused, and he smelled like sweat and male. She wanted to push the dark hair from his forehead.

  “Megan…”

  That voice—how he said her name. Memories came to her, and she couldn’t push them away no matter how much she wanted to. This wasn’t the first time that they’d been this close. Not even the second time. Oh, she and Caleb had a history, all right, and she hated that that history could never be erased.

  The night Caleb had arrested her, Megan had been drunk. Angry. And she’d had a crush the size of Texas on the handsome Caleb Thornton, who was twenty-three to her seventeen. After he’d booked her and they’d waited for somebody to come get her out of jail—unlikely, given that Ruth was too flakey and Sara lived in Seattle then—Megan had wanted to push him. Test him. Test herself. Maybe it had been the alcohol, or her arrest, or sheer stupidity. But when he’d entered her cell that night, she’d wrapped herself around him and kissed him. He’d been so warm and solid that she’d wanted to melt into him.

  He’d frozen in her arms, and then when she’d tried to deepen the kiss, he’d set her away from him. And then he’d said the words she’d never forget: Get ahold of yourself. You’re acting like a spoiled child. He’d looked disgusted before he’d stalked out of her cell, leaving her to feel the full ache of her humiliation and, yes, guilt.

  Years later, she’d known she’d been a complete idiot, and that his reaction had been her fault completely. Not only had she been drunk in public, but she’d thrown herself at an officer. Deep down inside, she’d still harbored a crush for Caleb Thornton, and it had only grown in size as she’d gotten older. Even after one boyfriend and a second had come and gone, he’d been there, forever in her heart.

  Now, though, he didn’t look at her with disgust. He looked at her like a man wanted a woman. The realization thrilled her.

  He’d looked at her like that a year ago. A year ago when they’d kissed outside the Fainting Goat. That kiss had been burned into her memory, and she’d dreamt of it so many times she’d lost count. The way his lips had brushed over hers, how he’d touched his tongue to hers. How she’d shivered, yet the night had been almost balmy. Yet that time, Megan had pushed him away, telling him she couldn’t do this. This isn’t good, she’d said lamely. She hadn’t even known what she’d meant. Caleb, his eyes dark, hadn’t protested. He’d stepped aside and let her go, even though deep inside, she’d wanted him to take her home.

  A car honked in the distance, jolting them apart in the present moment. The lemonade sloshed onto Caleb’s hand, and Megan scrambled off the bench. She couldn’t do this. What was she thinking? That things could be different?

  She almost laughed. When would she ever learn?

  Caleb wiped his hand on his uniform. Megan turned to go, but his voice stopped her.

  “Wait.” He touched her arm.

  She waited, not looking at him. “What?”

  “I just…I don’t know.” He sounded frustrated. “I know things haven’t been great between us for a long time, but maybe—”

  “Maybe we could forget everything that’s happened?” She shrugged, her heart cracking a little. “I doubt it.”

  “God, you drive me crazy.” His voice was a growl. “I can’t ever tell what you want. One moment you kiss me, the next you hate me.”

  She whirled. “And who’s fault is that? You’ve never acted like you wanted me. You’ve always acted like you couldn’t stand me.”

  “I don’t—I mean, no.” He raked his hands through his hair. “If you’d give a guy half a chance, Megan.”

  She shook her head. “I have to go back inside. Enjoy your lemonade.”

  She didn’t stop to hear what he had to say next. Rushing inside, she refused to look at Jubilee, who she was sure had seen—and heard—everything that had happened. She groaned inwardly. When would she stop making a cake out of herself over Caleb Thornton?

  She was grateful when the after-school rush kept them both busy. By the time they had a break, it was time to close up for the evening. And by then, Caleb had been replaced by another police officer who sat in his car instead of standing outside.

  “You know, as someone who’s related to Caleb,” Jubilee began in a nonchalant tone, “you should know that he isn’t the type of guy to show interest in a woman if he isn’t, you know, interested.”

  Megan narrowed her eyes. She tossed stale bagels into the trash with extra gusto. “Your brother is a menace.”

  “That’s true, although he’s not the worst of the four.” Jubilee tapped her chin. “I may not be an expert on human behavior, but I’d say there’s a reason why he won’t stop bothering you.”

  “He has a brain disease?”

  Jubilee laughed. “Sure, that’s one way to call it.” She batted her eyelashes at Megan. “If you call liking somebody a brain disease.”

  Megan groaned. “Not this again, Jubilee. He doesn’t like me. Or want me. Or want to date me.” A flush crawled up her face, and she was annoyed by it. He might want her for sex, but he’d never shown her that he wanted her for anything else. Besides, he’d rejected her once already. She’d rejected him, too, and God above, it was a total mess, wasn’t it?

  A small voice whispered that she refused to consider him because if she
were wrong—if he rejected her a second time—she didn’t know if she could survive the heartbreak. She wanted him so much that she’d rather never know that he’d never wanted her. It was stupid and twisted, and she wished she could unknot her feelings without leaving bruises behind.

  “It would never work anyway,” she said, more to herself than Jubilee. “We fight all the time. We’d be arguing every chance we got.” Jubilee opened her mouth to argue, but Megan held up a hand. “Seriously. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, okay? I know you and everybody else think that we’re destined to be together or something, but there are things you don’t know.”Jubilee’s eyes widened. “Like what? Secrets? You can’t tease me like that!”

  Megan couldn’t help from laughing. She shook her head, pointing at the kitchen. “Go clean up so we can get out of here before midnight.”

  “Fine, but don’t think I’m going to forget about this!”

  Megan wished she could forget about everything. Then again, would she really want to forget? Although she was ashamed of what had happened ten years ago, with her arrest and her throwing herself at Caleb, she also knew that that had been the night when she’d really grown up. Before then, she’d relied on Sara, who’d been the adult for most of Megan’s life. Megan had coasted through life, angry at Ruth and so sure that Sara would clean up her mess. But after her arrest and the loss of her scholarship, Megan had had to come to terms with the fact that her actions had consequences. She’d wanted to blame Caleb—and for a while, she had—but she’d eventually been forced to accept that she’d had no one but herself to blame. She’d gotten her life together and started her bakery, refusing to let herself be defeated by her own mistakes.

  As she closed up The Rise and Shine and said goodbye to Jubilee, Megan wondered if she’d be where she was today without Caleb Thornton. Despite her best efforts, her life would be forever intertwined with his, no matter how hard she twisted and turned to free herself of him.

  5