Enough About Me

by S. G. Wilson

  For a second, Resist looked like she might shoot Meticulous. Instead, she blew out the flaming ball and lowered the weapon. “You’re lucky my hand’s getting tired. I’m a quick draw, though, so no funny stuff.”

  Meticulous tried to look unconcerned, but you could see she’d gotten the message through.

  “It is a little odd, though, you’ve got to admit,” I told her. “You’ve spent so much time protesting the powers that be. And now, well, you’re the one with the power.”

  Resist stuffed her slingshot back into her pocket, then picked up four of the crystal balls and started juggling them. Her technique was as smooth as Rodeo Clown Me’s. “Tell me about it. When I first stumbled into this place, I planned to just burn it all to the ground. But then Mr. Fartz introduced himself. He was under orders from None of Me to hand control of Me Corp. over to the first Me who walked through the door.”

  “If you had control of the business and you hated it so much, why didn’t you close it down or something?” asked Hollywood.

  Meticulous barked a laugh. “You can’t just shut down a corporation! There are investors to answer to! A board of directors!”

  “And all those normal, working-class people who work for us,” said Resist, speeding up her juggling. “I couldn’t take away their jobs. Plus, I realized that through all the products Me Corp. provides, we reach a lot of people.”

  “Ha!” said Meticulous. “Here’s where she gets tempted by the power and money that’s been thrust into her lap.”

  Resist snatched up a fifth ball and added it to the mix with no problem. “Hardly. I decided to curse the products Me Corp. makes.”

  Hollywood backed up until he bumped into an ottoman cruising past him. “So you have gone evil!”

  Motor’s eyes went wide. “I didn’t think the rumors were true.”

  “Let’s hear her out, people,” I said. “Explain, please.”

  Resist did a loop-de-loop with the spheres, juggling them in the opposite direction. “Thanks, Average. I’ve had our research team develop curses for our products that only affect very specific users. That is, any person trying to do bad things with our technology. So, for instance, propagandists and meme-makers who spread phony news and other fake information get cursed to tell only the truth. Trolls who insult and attack other people online lose the use of their voice.”

  “As a celebrity who’s gotten raked over the coals by trolls and haters, I love this!” said Hollywood.

  Resist threw the balls higher without breaking her flow. “We’re even harsher on other companies.”

  “Now I see what game you’re playing!” said Meticulous. “You’re cursing the competition!”

  “Not at all,” said Resist. “We just curse the executive teams and boards of directors at companies doing sleazy things. Like the company bigwigs who make their apps addictive on purpose. They’re consigned to lose their ability to focus or concentrate on anything.”

  “Nice!” said Motor. “But how long do these curses last?”

  Resist put some spin on the spheres so they each arced in different patterns as she kept tossing them. “The curses last until the accursed learn their lessons. Hopefully this will help slow down the destructive tendencies of these corporations and capitalism in general—”

  “Okay, we get it,” said Hollywood. “No need for one of your speeches.”

  Meticulous raised his hand. “And let the record show that I definitely think capitalism is a good thing!”

  “We don’t want to hear your spiel, Meticulous,” I said. “So, Resist, why did you go it alone? Motor and Hollywood were here for weeks.”

  Resist caught the balls one by one and plopped them back on the desk. “The building’s magically sealed off from the world, remember? I’ve been trapped and making the best of it. But trust me, I was worried about you guys too.”

  “Awwww,” said Hollywood, leaning in for a hug.

  Resist pulled away him. “I’m not gonna get that sappy.”

  “On to more pressing matters,” said Meticulous. “That antenna rigged outside. It’s to charge the Stitch, right?”

  “That and other things,” said Resist. “Like the cloak. Plus some glowing piece of paper I’m too afraid to touch.”

  Meticulous made a gagging sound. “Portal paper! I had a prototype lying around my office. The wally must have nicked that from my Earth too! With it, I can finally bring the Stitch to Earth Zero!”

  “You want to go back there?!” said Hollywood. “Geez Louise! And I don’t care who hears me say it!”

  “That’s been our final destination all along,” said Meticulous. “That’s where the Rip originated. That’s where we have to launch the Stitch. Otherwise, it won’t work.”

  “I’m all for helping the Mes and stopping the Rip, but I’m not trusting Meticulous to do it,” said Resist. “Have we forgotten that he’s the one who made the Rip in the first place?”

  Meticulous turned to me with a hurt look that would have made me feel sorry for him, if he weren’t Meticulous. “Average, do you feel this way too?”

  On the one hand, I’d come this far with Meticulous and wanted to see our mission through. On the other, I still didn’t like him. More to the point, I still didn’t trust him.

  “We just need more information,” I said. “You haven’t even explained how the Stitch works. How are we supposed to know if it’s really going to fix the Rip?”

  “It does look an awful lot like a weapon,” said Motor.

  With a huff, Meticulous marched to the door. “We’ve wasted more than enough time here! You can keep having a go at me if you like, but I’m gone!”

  And with that, Meticulous left the room and slammed the door behind him.

  Resist shook her head. “How have you survived a whole day with him?”

  “It hasn’t been so bad,” I said. “Well, okay, it has.”

  “Do you really think this Stitch thing is for real?” said Hollywood.

  “I’ve been peddling magic for months now, and even I don’t see how you can just blast something into the Rip and, presto, it’s all fixed.” Resist snapped her fingers.

  “Then again, the origami drive seemed pretty unlikely too, until he invented it,” said Motor.

  “Yeah,” I said. “And he’s been pretty dedicated to getting this thing done. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think he’s changed. It defies all reason, but he actually made a friend.”

  Before I could tell them all about Cave, a green light flashed under the door.

  “What’s that?!” said Motor.

  I wasn’t sure if I guessed the truth so much as I felt it in my bones. “The portal paper! I didn’t think he’d use it without us!”

  We raced to the door and flung it open, crashing into each other on our way out.

  In the center of the room, the last light of a portal shrank away into nothing. You could still see the traces in the air showing how it had been big enough for a person to fit through. A person and his Stitch. The reality of it all set in: Meticulous had left with the Stitch. And with it, our only chance of ever escaping this Earth.

  When I’d agreed to help Meticulous, I’d truly hoped that he’d changed. At least, I’d hoped he’d been capable of change. Maybe on some level I’d even thought we could come out of this as friends, or hate each other a little less.

  But in the end, my evil-genius alternate-Earth double had stabbed me in the back again.

  Motor, Resist, and even Hollywood spared me their I-told-you-sos. They left me alone to wallow in my thoughts as they ransacked None of Me’s office to find anything that might help us get off this Earth. Resist swore she’d seen more portal paper in a drawer, but it turned out to be wrapping for a gift-giving holiday called Goblin Grab.

  Motor climbed out of a bigger-on-the-inside filing cabinet he’d sq
ueezed his entire body into. The sounds of monsters roaring and screeching echoed from its metal depths. “Yep, we’re stranded,” he said. “We may as well just forget it.”

  “Now, now, we’ll have none of that.” Resist unfolded some origami fantasy creatures she’d found in a drawer to see if any turned out to be portal paper. No such luck. “You’re not turning back into Mr. Surrender. You’re the most confident I’ve ever seen you, and I want you to stay that way. We will get out of here.”

  Rifling through an old desk, Hollywood yanked his fingers away from an enchanted stapler that snapped at him. “Yeah, we could make our own origami drive if we have to. How hard could it be?”

  Instead of falling deeper into the dumps along with me, Motor lit up. “That’s it! We’ve had a way to make portals all along!”

  “We have?” asked Hollywood.

  Motor turned to me. “Average can make them with his mind!”

  Resist growled. “I thought Hollywood was the one with the stupid ideas.”

  “Yeah!” said Hollywood, whacking at the stapler with a glowing letter opener he’d found. “Hey!”

  Motor shut the filing cabinet behind him, and the monster noises from inside stopped. “Hear me out. What is the origami drive, anyway? Basically it’s just a thing that collects transdimensional energy. Right?”

  Hollywood slammed a big spell book over the stapler, pinning it in place. “You lost me at transdimensional energy.”

  “That’s the stuff that can make portals, and it’s inside Average,” said Motor. “He’s like a walking, talking origami drive. No need for an elevator, no need for portal paper. There’s every reason to think that Average can do what the origami drive does on his own.”

  “But how?” I said.

  “You’ve already done it!” said Resist.

  Hollywood placed both hands on the spell book and leaned on it to hold the stapler in place. “Confused here!”

  “From what you told us about how you left your Earth, Average, it sounds like you didn’t even finish folding the portal paper,” said Motor.

  “Right!” said Resist. “And the portal paper on Earth Zero got torn before you even had a chance to finish it!”

  Hollywood leapt away from the desk just as the stapler broke free of the book and came at him again. “Oh, I get it now! Whether it was from lightning or torn portal paper, Average got covered in transdimensional goop when he was thinking about origami keys. So he wound up accidentally turning that goop into portals both times.”

  We all stared at Hollywood, stunned.

  “What?” he said, knocking the stapler into a garbage can with one swipe of the book. “I can figure out things too.”

  “But even if that’s what really happened, it’s not like I can repeat those accidents,” I said. “Plus, I’ve lost most of my fizz. Unless somebody has a Me recharging station lying around, I won’t have enough juice.”

  Resist nodded at the cloak across the room. “That should do the trick.”

  Hollywood shrank from the garment. “That’s the Dark Lord’s cloak! I mean, even if None of Me isn’t really the Dark Lord, it’s still supposed to be an evil, cursed thing. Like the Shadow Blade. And we all know you have to be really bad to be able to use the Shadow Blade.”

  This didn’t seem like the time to mention my own go-around with that particular enchanted item.

  “It’s just a superstition,” said Resist. “None of Me’s cloak is more like a wearable battery. From what I can figure, it charges through that cable every time a bolt from the Rip strikes the antenna outside. His notes even label it as his Fizzing Cloak.”

  “Seriously?” I asked. “He calls it fizzing too?”

  “Guess you guys have something in common!” said Hollywood.

  Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

  I wasn’t keen to try on a cursed evil wizard cloak. What if it electrocuted me or took over my mind or turned me into a chicken? But I had no other choice if I wanted to get us out of there. Shaking all over, I walked up to the cloak and touched it. A surge ran through my palm, so I yanked my hand away. It felt like the goop in the origami drive, and I wasn’t a fan of that stuff after being trapped in it.

  I started to tell my friends I couldn’t wear this dangerous thing, but when I saw the hope on their faces, I knew I had to try again. They’d spent months here, trapped far from their homes, worried about what their versions of Mom and Dad and Twig must have been thinking. Compared to what they’d been through, I had no room to complain. I had to get over myself and do what I could to help them. As Meticulous might have said if he’d been there: “Quit your whingeing!”

  Though it felt like poison in my hands, I picked up the cloak and put it on. As it settled over my head and shoulders, the fizz came roaring back to me like a shot of nitro in a Fast & Furious movie.

  I felt great, but I must have looked pretty intense. At the sight of me in my new getup, Hollywood tiptoed to his customary hiding place behind Resist. “Are you evil now?” he asked.

  “I don’t feel evil.” My voice came out deep and scary, as if it had been auto-tuned for singing in a Norwegian death metal band.

  “This is not a good deed,” said the MeMinder X.

  “I didn’t even do anything yet!” I told the watch.

  “He really has gone evil!” said Hollywood. “What sort of monster have we created?!”

  “Don’t be silly!” said Resist. “He’s still Average, right?”

  “Uh, right,” said Motor, looking a little less than convinced.

  “I’m fine,” I said in that stupid voice again. “The fizz is back too.”

  “Good!” said Hollywood. “Uh, so now what?”

  “Now you’ve got to repeat everything you did those other times you made portals but didn’t know it,” said Resist. “Easy, right?”

  I had a sarcastic reply ready to go but never got the chance to use it. The origami key for Earth Zero came to me in a flash: a chimera, the three-headed mythological monster. I’d folded the thing before without even realizing it during the desperate escape from Youth Development on my Earth. Now I had to fold it again—in my mind. With the fizz swirling around my head, I imagined the body, the legs, and all three heads into being.

  With the final fold, I felt a last trickle of the cloak’s energy pass into me like the dregs of a smoothie when you tip it back into your mouth. I knew the fizz would fade from me any second, so I used what was left to push the chimera from my head and into the real world.

  And somehow it worked. A glowing green chimera floated in front of my eyes before it unfurled into a familiar green hole in reality.

  “Okay, guys,” I told my friends, my voice back to normal. “Let’s go find that manky prat Meticulous.”

  After stepping through a portal from a dark wizard’s tower in the heart of a magical kingdom, the last place I expected to end up was my bedroom.

  Not that it was my bedroom per se. It belonged to either President Me or some different Me whose house had been dumped on Earth Zero. Whoever the Me was, he’d grown up here surrounded by the things I’d owned all my life too. The same secondhand desk where I avoided homework, the same drum set I was too lazy to play, the same T.U.F.F. Puppy bedsheets I could never bring myself to throw out. And more or less the same comic books, just with different names (Bat Person, The Incredible Bulk, The Not-Really-All-That-Fantastic Four).

  The only change that really stood out was the movie poster for Star Peace, featuring all the characters from Star Wars, good and bad, chumming it up like buddies in a comedy. But I was so homesick I didn’t mind, and neither did the other Mes. We gathered around the familiar dresser to look at pictures of us as kids and make fun of our old hairstyles. I laughed along with them, though deep down I couldn’t stop wondering when the last time was that I’d felt so innocent and happy. When had I t
aken the path that had led to me turning out so rotten? Was I even a Me anymore, now that I’d gone so close to the dark side? I noticed the way Resist, Hollywood, and even Motor had given me extra space since I’d put on the evil-wizard cloak. It was only a matter of time before they rejected me altogether.

  Hollywood pointed out a picture of the Me mugging with Twig at the annual county fair. “That was the day Twig stuck sugar clouds in my ears.”

  “You mean cotton candy?” I asked.

  “Oh, that’s what you call it?” said Resist. “On my Earth, it was known as edible fiberglass before it got banned altogether. My Earth’s not so fun, FYI.”

  “You know how it is where I come from,” said Motor. “They call it Five Grams of Sugar and You’re Still Hungry.”

  We all laughed. But not for long.

  “Ugh, what’s that smell?” said Resist.

  All our noses curled the same way.

  “That’s exactly how the gosh-darned house smelled that time I flooded it,” said Hollywood.

  “You flooded Mom and Dad’s house?!” said Resist.

  Mumbling something about an accident, Hollywood moved on to a less embarrassing topic. “Are we even sure this is Earth Zero?” He peeled back a curtain to reveal a boarded-up window.

  Doubt crept into my head. “Making portals just by thinking is a new thing for me. Maybe I sent us to the wrong place?”

  Motor opened a closet full of hazmat suits and gas masks. “Do people on Earth Zero dress like this?”

  “Could you imagine having to wear that?” said Hollywood. “A gas mask doesn’t go with anything!”

  “We’d better see what’s out there,” said Resist.

  Nervous, the four of us stepped into the hall and took the familiar stairs. Down on the first floor, it reeked even more than above. The carpet and furniture had rotted, and gray water stains lined the walls.

  Hollywood surveyed the damage like some no-nonsense tool pro in an orange shirt at Home Depot. “Looks like flooding, all right.”