I wonder if they’ll always gut me open.
“I never stopped loving you.” I don’t expect his words. They take me by total surprise.
The whoosh of air from my lungs is the only sound present in the entire room. As silence falls around me, I finally manage to look up and meet his eyes. “Out of everything that you witnessed and heard today, I need you to remember that, alright? I loved you then, Abby, and fuck.” He leans back in his chair and runs his hand through his hair. “I still fucking love you. Nothing in the world will ever change that. I need you to know that. No matter what you’re thinking right now, you were always the one that I wanted. Always. But we just weren’t meant to be.”
“When you were with me, were you also with her?” Out of everything, that’s what I want to know. I already know the ending here, and, Liam’s shown me how we started. It’s everything in between that is still a mystery. There are a million things that I could ask him, but honestly, that’s the one that’s eating at me the most. I want to know if he was ever, only mine. I can live with the rest of the unknown.
“Yes.” His voice is adamant. “When you were mine, Abby, my world revolved around you.” He shakes his head, staring wistfully out of the window. “When we were together, fuck.” He snorts. “That shit between us, was just crazy. I tried so hard to resist you, so hard to push you away.”
I blink at him. It sounds an awful lot like the way he’s treated me since I arrived back here again.
“But the more I pushed you away, the more I fucking wanted you. It was like I couldn’t take a deep breath unless you were with me. Letty never stood a chance next to you. She was never a threat. No one ever could be. You always have been, and you always will be, my greatest fucking weakness.”
As the air shifts between us, I rise to my feet. The words that I’ve been longing to hear hang in the air between us, finally spoken. They break my heart, and at the same time, fill me with peace. We didn’t work out, that much is obvious. But knowing that what I’m actually feeling for the man in front of me is real, is really the only answer that I need.
“I don’t think that I ever got over you, either.” I tell him honestly. “There’s just no way that I could have. The way that I feel when you touch me,” I turn my eyes towards the floor. “Let’s just say that it’s unforgettable. I may not remember our past, but my heart remembers you, Liam.”
“I just wish that I would have come back sooner. I don’t know why I didn’t, I don’t remember why I left in the first place. Maybe if I would have…” What? If I would have come back sooner, would I have even stood a chance at getting this back? If I would have showed up, before he conceived a baby, could we have made this work between us? I guess that’s just another thing that I’ll never have the answer to.
“You wouldn’t have come back.” Liam’s voice is determined. “The day that you left, Abby, you fucking hated me. You told me that you hoped that you would never see my face again. And someday, when you get your memory back, fuck.” His head falls. He shakes it once, and mutters something underneath his breath. When his eyes finally find mine again, and I witness firsthand all of the pain buried within them, my breath catches. “You’re going to remember just how much you hate me. You’re going to remember all of the hurt that I caused you. And you’ll never be able to forgive me.”
“Or maybe, I would.” Why even say the words? It doesn’t matter, either way. Six years have happened. Liam has clearly moved on. Liam is about to be a father-to another woman’s baby. It’s time to pull the plug on this, and let Liam get on with his life. All that I’m doing here is prolonging the obvious. It’s high time that I leave this man alone.
“I’m sorry.” I take a step back and turn around to face the door. When my eyes aren’t on him, this entire thing makes more sense. I feel the need to get away from him. I hear the alarm bells clanging inside of my head, telling me to walk away from this now, while I still have my dignity intact. But good God.
How can I possibly do that? Every bit of it feels so wrong. As if, the universe did all of this to get me back here, only for me to walk away from love one more time.
My eyes fix on the door. I will my feet to move towards it, but even as I scream at my body to listen, it doesn’t. My feet stay firmly planted on the ground. Finally, after way too long, I turn back around to Liam, although this time, I don’t look at him.
“So, what happens now?”
It bears asking. If he still believes that I’m in danger, and if I really and truly am, where do I go from here? I certainly can’t stay with him anymore. From the looks of his girlfriend, he’s about to be a father any day now. My presence is only going to complicate his life even more. I cannot allow that to happen.
I could call Max back and ask him to come and get me. Honestly, he’s probably still on his way. He wasn’t all that excited about me calling him back and telling him never mind. Only now, I have too many questions about my accident, and not enough answers.
Even still. Perhaps it’s just time for me to go home. Back to my loft, above my bakery, and figure all of this out for myself. That seems like the best solution, albeit, a lonely one.
Only because Liam is the only person in my entire world, who actually makes sense to me.
Before he can answer, my feet finally move. I can’t even believe it when they do, but dammit, they move fast. Before I can even figure out where in the hell I’m going, my feet are moving me far away from him. Tears that I didn’t even realize were forming in my eyes, are now streaming down my cheeks, blinding me, and making it hard to find my way out of the gym. I take a turn down a dimly lit hallway, and then turn again, getting myself completely lost inside of this big old building. Somehow though, I manage to find an exit.
My hand pauses on a door, and as I take a deep breath, trying to give myself the courage to actually run, I feel an arm on my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. I don’t need to turn around to figure out who it belongs to. The way that my body ignites from his touch is all that I need to know that it’s him.
“I thought that I could do this.” His voice is low, his breath hot against the back of my neck. “But I can’t watch you walk away twice. At least, not without doing this one last time.”
I’m spun around, all of my air leaving my lungs in a rush, as my body slams into his. Being this close to him, touching this much of his body is more than I can handle. It clouds my mind and causes all of my reasoning to go out the window. Before I can come to grips with what’s happening, or how damn wrong it is, his mouth presses against mine. The feeling of it- I can’t even find the right words to describe it. It’s earth shattering, awakening a deep need for him, that no amount of contact could ever fix.
He feels like home. Like fresh baked cookies on a cold, fall day. Like a cup of hot chocolate, underneath a blanket, while the snow falls outside. Everything about it, is just so right, that it seems impossible that it could still be so wrong. But as he pulls away from me, and presses his forehead against mine, my eyes open, and I see firsthand, the pure struggle written clearly across his features.
That’s the moment that I realize, I am the only one who can end this. I have to be the one to walk away.
As luck would have it, Luke suddenly appears. As he glances between Liam and I, he sighs loudly, and then hangs his head.
“Liam.” His voice is quiet, but it sounds so loud is this narrow hallway. “Letty has called about twenty times. She’s at the hospital. There’s something wrong, bro. You need to get there.”
19
Liam
There’s nothing like spending a night in the hospital, with your unborn baby’s life at risk to put things into perspective. Watching Letty lay in that bed, with tears streaming down her face as the doctors ran test after test was something that I was in no way prepared for. I can’t help but feel responsible for it, either.
If Letty wouldn’t have walked into my house and found Abby there, this whole event could have been avoided. At least, that’
s what I keep telling myself.
Now, she’s forced to stay in the hospital, on bed rest, so that the baby can be monitored around the clock. The words emergency induction still hang over my head. The idea that I could either be burying my child or becoming a father early are two scenarios that are imminent. Obviously, I’d choose the latter if I had to pick one, but I’m honestly not prepared for either.
Of course, I’m excited to become a father. It’s one thing that I’ve always wanted. I just can’t shake the feeling of just how damn wrong it seems, to be doing this with Letty, when I’m obviously still in love with Abby. Either way you spin this, really, no one seems to win.
“You should go home, Liam.” I hadn’t even noticed that Letty was now wide awake. She’s been sleeping for a few hours now, which has been a blessing.
The cramping in her stomach subsided sometime in the night, and the bleeding has since stopped. The baby’s heartrate has been stable, and Letty’s blood pressure is finally under control. Things are looking up, although, everything is still on the fence. The doctors were very clear that this is a tense situation.
“I’m not leaving my girls.” I lean forward, and rest my hand against her stomach, hoping that our unborn baby can feel just how much I love her. “I’m fine right here.”
“No, really.” Letty stares at me, her wide, chocolate brown eyes fixed securely on mine. “I actually need you to leave. I really need some space right now.”
“How can you ask me for space, when our baby is in danger?” I stare at her in shock. “If something happens, I want to be here. I need to be here. For the both of you.”
“No.” She shakes her head slowly. “No, you don’t. Liam, I can’t do this anymore. I just…”
“Listen,” I cup her hand in mine, and bow my head down, pressing my forehead against her skin. “I know that I don’t deserve a chance to make this right, but I am begging you. Please don’t do this, Letty. I screwed up. I know that, and if I could change it, I would.”
She stares at me. Really stares at me, reading into my eyes in a way that only she can. After so many years of being in each other’s lives, she has learned to read me like a book. Which sometimes, can be a blessing. In this case, however, it turns out to be a curse.
“No,” she sighs, squeezing my hand. “You wouldn’t. I know that you want to believe that you could have kept yourself away from her, but deep down, we both know that you couldn’t.”
“That’s not true.”
“Liam.” Her finger dips underneath my chin, tilting my face up towards hers. “Just stop.”
“I’m not walking away from you, and we aren’t done. I’ll do whatever I have to, to prove to you that I want to have a family with you.” I just have to convince myself of it first.
“Go home, Liam.” The weak smile on her lips twists my heart. My God, how I have screwed things up here. “You need to get some sleep, and so do I. We can talk about this again later, but right now, I just can’t.”
“Fine.” I know her well enough to know that she needs more time to figure things out for herself. She needs time away from me. I can fully understand that. I could use some fresh air myself, to try to wrap my head around everything that’s happened today.
“I’m sorry that my past got in the way of our future.” I tell her honestly. “But I’m done living in the past, Letty. You’re my future, you hear me? You and this child. This is what’s important to me.”
Her silence speaks volumes.
20
Abby
As nice as Luke was to let me stay here last night, even I know, that today is the day that I need to get away from here. I hardly slept at all, tossing and turning most of the night, feeling immense guilt in the pit of my stomach over the threat of Liam losing his child.
This is my fault, for sure.
If I would have just stayed away, and left well enough alone, perhaps his baby’s life wouldn’t be in danger right now. He’d be living his happily ever after, with his beautiful girlfriend, and no doubt, beautiful soon to be born daughter.
I heard Luke’s conversation with him on the phone last night. I know that Letty has to stay in the hospital because her situation could go either way, and rapidly. I felt the urgency in Luke’s voice when my name was mentioned. I can only imagine how frantically they are both trying to get rid of me.
So, before the sun has even risen, I’m up and out of my bed, trying to finalize my plan. The only plan that seems to work here, is if Liam thinks that I’m safe, and that I no longer need his protection.
The visions of my lifeless body after my accident still haunt me. The idea that someone placed their hands around my neck, in an effort to squeeze the last little bit of life out of me scares the shit out of me. It’s terrifying to think that I was running from harm. It’s even scarier to realize that I have absolutely no idea who would have done that to me.
I have a hard time imagining it to be Max. I know, I know, people can present themselves differently in the public eye than they do behind closed doors, but Max has been so sweet to me since my accident. So kind and so forgiving. He hasn’t pushed me to remember him. When he realized that I couldn’t he was even willing to let me go. A man who had abused me would have tried harder to hold on. Even I know that.
There’s always the chance that the bruises came from the accident. I mean, if the police weren’t suspicious, then why should I be? After all, it’s their job to investigate things like that. The only person, who thought differently, was Liam.
Maybe it’s because a part of him wanted to hold onto me. I know that the man loves me. He told me so himself, but even if he hadn’t, I would have known it anyways. I can tell by the way he touches me. I see it in his eyes when he stares at me. And dear fucking God, I felt it in his kiss. I felt it when he was inside of my body. Even if he had never uttered the words to me, I still would have known. It’s just too damn obvious. But now, it’s time to let all of this go.
When the door to the bedroom that I’ve been sleeping in opens, I swallow all of my emotions down, and stare at the man standing in front of me. The overwhelming urge to go to him takes a hold of me. It feels wrong to keep my distance. I can hardly stand to stay away from him.
But I don’t have a choice in the matter, and I know exactly what I have to do. There’s no question about that. Liam isn’t mine to have anymore. Perhaps, he never really was. Our love story was meant to be unrequited. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
“Abby.” His face twists in anguish. It causes my stomach to turn, watching this large, strong man crumple right in front of me. I force myself to remain strong.
“I cannot believe that I came back here.” My voice is flat. I try to sound angry, and I hope that it works. It must, because Liam just stares forward at me, blinking in confusion.
“What?”
“How fucking dare you try to take advantage of me again, Liam?” I screech, my voice cracking halfway through. “You should have told me immediately how much I hate you!”
My fist bangs against my leg. Liam’s entire face turns pale as he stares at me.
“It’s amazing the kind of memories that sex and a stupid kiss can bring back.” I glare at him. “The second you walked away, it all came crashing back to me. So, thank you. Thank you for bringing my memory back with a kiss. Even if it was the kiss of death.”
I grab my suitcase, and storm past him, towards the door. When he grabs ahold of me to stop me, I nearly collapse. The wave of emotions rushing through my body threaten me, and almost cause me to lose all of my resolve.
“Don’t touch me.” I jerk my arm away. “Don’t ever fucking touch me again. I cannot even stand the sight of you.”
“Where are you going?” His voice booms in the small room, causing me to jump. His chest heaves, and his eyes are wild. “You can’t just leave!”
“Why?” I snort, staring up at him with determined eyes. “Because you’re afraid for me? Don’t be. The marks on my neck were from rough s
ex, Liam.”
His entire face turns bright red. I swear, he looks angry enough to kill right now.
“And don’t go pointing the finger at Max, either. I was having an affair, alright? I was sleeping with a man who gave it to me rough. I was rushing home that night because Max was coming home unexpectedly. I was cheating, Liam. I was sleeping with another man and was trying to cover my tracks. That’s why I was out in the storm, and that’s how I ended up in that accident. Thank you for trying to help me, but you really should have just sent me away. But you just couldn’t, could you? You had to try to wreck me, one last time. Job well done, asshole. You’ve successfully ruined my life twice.”
I’m moving down the stairs, and towards the exit as fast as I can, all while lugging a huge suitcase of course. Liam is hot on my heels though, his anger radiating off of him and smacking me hard in the back.
“Bullshit.” He forces out through gritted teeth. “I’m calling your bullshit, Abby. That doesn’t sound like you at all.”
“You don’t know me anymore.” I glare at him. “And you’re not supposed to. My memory is a bit foggy, Liam, but I am starting to remember. And trust me, I remember exactly what happened, and even more important?” I lean forward, just enough to get my point across, but not close enough that I could actually touch him and lose all of my willpower. “I remember exactly why I left you. You don’t have to worry about me disrupting your life ever again. I won’t be back.”
Almost a full month later, I’m laying on my back, on a cold leather couch, and staring up at the ceiling. I’m waiting for the routine, “And how did that make you feel?”, question, but it hasn’t come yet. It’s my normal Monday morning therapy session. I also have them on Wednesdays and Fridays, and sometimes, when things are going particularly crappy, I throw in an early Saturday one as well.
Worth Repeating (Worth It All Book 1) Page 14